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[shortcutsanddeadends20]

I need to talk about it. But I am scared... I am scared of coming off as disrespectful, I am scared of it turning into a giant argument... I am not here for that. I do not have the energy or the patience to deal with all of that.

Last week, someone I've known the large majority of my life passed away. Someone who, despite my flaws and how every one else was treating me, still loved and accepted me just as I was. I knew him because of the church I attended for a good chunk of my youth. He was the father of my choir director. Over the years, my views on church and religion have changed very much. I've found that I don't follow them so much, I more believe in everything, not any one particular thing. I speak to the universe, to any and all gods/goddesses, mother earth/nature... I send good vibes and healing vibes and I believe in just being a good, caring, kind, compassionate human being. I believe in accepting everyone and loving everyone despite their flaws. I believe that we all have our own views/beliefs and that shoving our views/beliefs down other peoples throats shouldn't happen. Over the years, I have found that the so called "christians" I've encountered in my life, aren't really "christians" at all. Like, growing up in church, it is taught to be "Christ like", but many of the people I have known in my life are THE FURTHEST from "Christ like" there could possibly be. The definition of Christ like to me is: love everyone, let he who is without sin, cast the first stone, accept everyone, lest ye be judged... I mean, how many of us are REALLY without sin?! We all make mistakes, we all do some things that probably aren't great... But really, who are we to be the ones to judge?! However, there are a very select few people who I view to be "Christ like", or the definition of it anyway. People who love and accept everyone, people who love them regardless of their "sins", people who live their lives helping others.. Ya know... GOOD, CARING, COMPASSIONATE human beings. Bob was one of those people, he WAS the epitome of love. He was the epitome of good. He loved, he accepted, he helped and all of these things were abundantly done by him without question on who you were, what you've done, any of it. He just... LOVED. I loved Bob, I love his son and daughters, they all had part in molding the woman I have become.

Bob was 73 years old, but you would have NEVER known that just by looking at him, he was healthy and fit and active and oh so full of life. Bob contracted Covid 19 in January, he fought for TWO months in the ICU and on Sunday March 21, he lost that fight. It's still very surreal to me that he passed away, even after seeing him in his casket and being at his funeral. And i am ANGRY. I am SO SICK of the people who say covid isn't real, that it is just a flu, that we need to take off the masks, open everything up, that we're living in fear... BLAH BLAH BLAH. This isn't a fucking joke! It is VERY real, it doesn't discriminate.. To me, your bullshit about masks is PURE selfishness. Bob should still be here and i don't give a flying fuck that "he was old" HIS LIFE MATTERED. All you, all lives matter people... Why not his?! Why is wearing a mask to protect someone else such a big deal?! You see, I have lots of people covid could kill if they got it... My 66 year old mother who lives with me, my 50 year old mother in law who is immuno comprimised and cannot take steroids if she were to get it, my husbands 78 year old grandmother.. The list goes on, these people matter, these people are very loved and would be very missed if they were to catch covid and die. Why is it so hard to just care?! We wear seatbelts to minimize the risk of flying out of a windshield if we get in a car accident, we wear helmets to protect our head, kneepads to protect our knees, etc.. Granted, sometimes those things don't always protect us fully, but it minimizes the chances of getting hurt/dying... As does a mask. It doesn't fully take it away, it minimizes it. I just.. I can't anymore, the anger is real. The selfishness and lack of compassion and care i see daily astounds me. At his funeral, someone who just died from this, there were TWENTY TWO people not wearing masks/wearing them under their noses, how disrespectful are you to not even just wear it for this when he just died from it?!

Stop making this about you, stop making it political, just STOP! Let's just care about others, lets take the precautions and get this done with. I may lose friends over this, but at this point, I don't care. I have already lost someone I loved, someone who should be here.

FUCK Covid and Fuck you if you think its fake or a joke. Im done.

[shortcutsanddeadends20]

God. If this isn't the story of my life.

I've contemplated on doing this for a while now.

Who am I?! I am Krystal. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am 34 years old. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I was also diagnosed as a child with ADHD. I am a stay at home mom and now also a caretaker for my mother. I am a consultant for an "MLM" and I love my business but for me, it is not substantial. I am the wife of an apprentice ironworker.

The last year has been hard. Just over a year ago, I got laid off. We also found out we would no longer have the option for the childcare we had at the time. So, at the time, I filed for unemployment with intentions to return to work after a while and once we could figure out something for childcare. Then covid hit. When covid hit, not only was I unable to return to work but at the time, my husband was also laid off( ironwork slows down in the winter)... Well... He didn't go back to work until August due to covid slowing down job sites further.

In July, my mother suffered a cardiac arrest, I won't go into details on this post but now, I have had my mother living with me since then. She suffers short term memory loss and I am responsible for dealing with any and all doctors appointments, giving her all of the medications she is on, making sure she eats, doing her laundry etc etc. I have absolutely no issue doing this however, it is now made it impossible for me to return to working outside of the home. I am in the process to try to become a paid caregiver( don't @ me, if finances provided, I wouldn't want to be paid, unfortunately, our household needs two incomes and this is one way to ease that burden from my husband solely) as well as mass applying for jobs that I would have the option to work remotely.

We have struggled, more than we ever have this year. To be totally transparent, we've fallen behind on bills and just recently had our car repossessed. We are trying desperately to catch up and cut back on things where we can.

Right now, 6 days before Christmas, we have only two presents for our kids right now.(thanks to some help, this has changed since I started writing this) I know it's not the meaning of Christmas but making it special, especially for my kids and loved ones means a lot to me.

Needless to say, this year has been a crapshoot. I've watched people all around me have loved ones die, just recently lost the only grandpa I ever had, people lose jobs, lose homes, struggle to pay bills, people spew hate about covid, the mask mandates, the shutdowns, the government, the protests, people say that racism isn't real then say something racist in the same breathe. Spew hate about the lgbtq+ community and abortions and the list goes on and on.

Wanna know my true thoughts?! I FUCKING HATE the lack of compassion and empathy this world has. I am someone who loves everyone, even if I disagree with you. I tend to keep my mouth shut because as one of my best friends once told me "you're a people pleaser"... Yep, hit the nail on the head with that one. Well here it is and I don't know how who will end up reading this and what they'll think but I don't really care and anyone who truly knows me, knows I am a damn good person, with a good heart.

I voted for Biden, because I believe we have a better shot at life getting better with him in office then we otherwise would. Yes, I educated myself and made my choice based on my own views.

I believe that Covid is real and can be dangerous to those with underlying conditions or those who are older, which I have many loved ones who fall in those categories and I would rather take the precautions if it means keeping them safe. I believe in wearing a mask, properly, because me wearing one and you wearing one REDUCES the risk of catching it. It absolutely blows my mind how it is so difficult to do one small thing to minimize risk for other people, ya know that compassion thing?! Or those who say "it only kills old people or people with underlying conditions" UM why is ANY life dispensable?! Why do they not deserve to live just as much as you or I do?! Or how about those who, while yes, they may survive, will have long term, possibly lifetime damage from it?!

The protests?! Systemic racism is VERY much real, the mistreatment/brutality/murders of ANY person of color happens WAY TOO OFTEN and it needs to end.

Same goes for the LGBTQ+ community. They are tormented, mocked, treated differently, judged and worse.

Abortions. Sometimes, 100% necessary, do I, personally, believe in someone using abortion as a means of birth control, no, absolutely not HOWEVER what someone else does in their own life, with their own body... IS NONE OF MY FUCKING business. I am also well aware of the many, many reasons why someone may have an abortion and that sometimes, it is the only option and still... It is none of my business. Yep, I said what I said.

These are just a few things I wanted to touch on here, my depression is the worst it's ever been, and I felt maybe writing some would help alleviate some of the unbearable weight I have been carrying. It is definitely helping, and I will continue writing although I don't know who will see it, who will care enough to read it all the way through and what's more, who will judge me, look at me differently or whatever. But honestly, I don't really care.. These are MY truths and those who truly care for me will be by my side no matter what, they won't leave me or judge me, even if my truths are different than theirs.