shotosrighteye

[shotosrighteye]

I honestly hate my birthday. Not bc I’m getting older but where it falls every year. This year I’m turning 24 and I’m tired, so tired of living in the shadow of Jesus Christ and New Years and the Macys Day parade. So tired of my family members saying Christmas morning “oh that’s for your birthday too!”. So tired of asking if my friends will be in town when I know the answer is no. I don’t blame them and I’m not mad, I know they’ll be visiting their families and wearing ugly sweaters and swapping gifts. I really truly hope they enjoy their time and their holiday…but at the same time it does hurt. It hurts that I’ll be 24 years old and never had a birthday party. The memories of failed attempts ever present in my mind. 12 years old and when the day rolled around, no one came. I had to cancel and try again in February bc my dad said “well January is your sister’s birthday month so we have to respect that” and I do respect that. But what’s my birthday month? December? No that’s finals week, and Christmas, and New Years, and winter break, and no one will be around when I blow out the candles so why should I even have cake? Just once I want to have a day to celebrate me. A day where my friends look at me and say they’re glad I’m here. I’m so jealous of literally any other zodiac sign. It seems like everyone else gets their day and time to shine and I want that. I want that so badly my chest hurts. I want to be excited bringing up my birthday. I hate talking about this because instead I’m faced with guilt. Like me bringing up the very conversation is some sort of guilt trap I’ve set for my friends who know they won’t be there, or for my family who know they can’t afford separate gifts. It’s not even the gifts or party I’m really concerned about I’m just tired about feeling like some sort of burden. Like I’m so incredibly inconvenient. I just really hate my birthday and this feeling creeps up on me earlier and earlier each year. The dread digging a little deeper each day until December 30th rolls around and the silence boils over into my ears and I start to sob. I almost always cry on my birthday, it’s like a given. I just can’t shake these deep seeded emotions from my childhood. The distance, the silence, the disappointment, the guilt. I honestly just really hate my birthday.