shouts-into-the-voids - Tumblr blog

[shouts-into-the-voids]

I was swiping and saw a guy who looks like a guy I had a crush on back in the day, and started thinking about how that guy would probably never recognize me anymore. That me seems like a lifetime ago. Don't get me wrong, I hate the current me, but I'd be glad to keep bits and pieces; and I probably would hate past me more. Bitch, if I had some of my current People when I was the insecure wallflower who thought she belonged; I'd be an entirely other (probably happier) person now. Whatever though, I found them and I'll keep them if they'll keep me.

[shouts-into-the-voids]

A smol boy.

There's a small 5th grader who will literally jump on me after a running start. It feels like being hit by a brick wall.

Last week when he did it, I barely saw him coming so I could brace for impact. He still knocked me to the ground, and I stayed there while I finished the conversation I was having with another kid.

Today the brick wall hit even harder. It still hurts. It feels swollen, but isn't. It hurts every once in awhile, but I usually sleep on my stomach so this will be fun.

Tiny humans can hurt y'all.

Speaking of "y'all," my adopted 5th grade class is learning about dialects and work "bubbler" into every conversation they can and it's glorious. They really, really like how "fancy" they think it makes them sound, and how pleased with themselves they are when anyone uses it.

[shouts-into-the-voids]

I don't know that I've ever felt the need to put so many trigger warnings on a post, but I feel like I should put them in the beginning too.

TW in both the post and video: depression, medication, self loathing, self image, eating disorders

I fully respect and love the man, but Philip Defranco made me cry twice during a (not even) six minute vlog, and then once more after. I also had to compose myself in ten minutes because a kid I tutor needed me because Distance Learning x Geometry is THE WORLD'S WORST COLLABORATION OF ALL TIMES...along with Idaho x 2020/pandemic times.

1. You're allowed to cry. 2. Telling The 'Blr that I cried is so much easier than crying when anyone else might know I've cried. 3. Depression...how about it. 4. Take your meds if that is something that you do - I got my daily reminder while writing this post oddly enough. 5. I have to figure this shit out.

nyway, here's Wonderwall.

And the text to his community line I sent him because I feel like it also gives a slight amount of hope to this:

[shouts-into-the-voids]

My dog hates being picked up, but it's the only way I can get him up the dining room stairs and down the main stairs to my room... he's old, scared, fat, whatever adjective you want to go with...It's a whole thing. Now when I come outside if I'm not wearing shoes he'll run outside so I don't pick him up. Basically it feels like my dog hates me.

This is all to say, he's outside yelling at the other two, but if I go out to "take care of it," he'll keep going again as soon as I leave.

This is said peaceful doggo who LOVES sleeping in my room; he just despises the process. (He's a scared boy because there's no traction on the linoleum, so he rarely even leaves my room, but if he does he runs back within seconds.)

[shouts-into-the-voids]

April 10, 2020

The Bad

- I've had two migraines today, and if I check I think I'm due for the one that kicks my ass and makes me sick this weekend.

- I was boring and no fun all day.

- I feel like I've been a dick to Pam lately.

The Better

- Day 5 of riding the bus to deliver lunch and breakfast to our kids continued to go well.

- The first migraine went away for like 12 hours.

- Since getting home from work, I pretty much only listened to YouTube, played Animal Crossing, and watched House.

- Called Spenser on the way to school because he was listening to my old voicemails. Reminded me of all the useless drivel I feel the need to share with him.

- I decided to rewire my entertainment system so I can start using my desk again (downside: I need a new surge protector with a longer cord. The two footer won't cut it).

[shouts-into-the-voids]

Sometimes you come running back...

I loved using Tumblr in college. Shit has changed, I want it to be helpful again. I told my shrink I'd try and keep a list for perspective, and thought The 'Blr would be a fun way to do it. Who knows what kind of shitpost thing this will become though.