showponyyy

[showponyyy]

it’s gotta happen, happen sometime, maybe this time…

i’m on the B43 to box street, the bus is marked 777. thank you universe for the sign sometimes i need a sign so big that it hits me like a train (or in this case a bus)

“volunteering is the new hinge” maude told me at cash’s half birthday party on wednesday night. i ask where they’re volunteering and they said “gays for good” i love it here be so serious

today is green saturn release day. i worked -

oh i’m on the wrong bus isn’t that funny? i’m taking as many hours at the yoga studio as i can to keep busy and because i need money so that i can make my zine. two lips, more on that later. i kissed a friend who kissed a friend and it gave me a hangover

social disease summer and the irony is im sound of mind and body

think ill stay in i say again and again until it forms like a scab

its just growing pains hadley says and she twirls one of my pig tails

maybe one day ill stop searching faces maybe one day ill be happy with what i have

maybe one day ill wake up and it’ll all be different and that wont mean everything’s gone to shit

maybe one day things will stick and it won’t be my fault and i’ll have ticked some boxes and learned some lessons and i’ll be better for it

i’m so hot it’s exhausting im so hot i have to write about it i love when something demands your attention like that

my eyes are melting and my mind is melting and my skin is sticky and the window being open is worse and i’m picking at my scabs now

[showponyyy]

summer affaire

june 23, 2025

I attended, I’ll start there, a music video screening in lower Manhattan hosted by someone I abhor. but i couldn’t pass up the event, couldn’t pass up the carrot dangling in front of my nose. A drink after at The River, I got one called 'the horse girl,' partly because of the carrot juice and jalapeño tequila intrigue and partly because, you know. The L’s been down and I knew it was but I wanted to take the walk. I got out where it ended and only made it about 10 blocks. a taxi in Brooklyn,,, like a beacon! I hardly see them so I wave. I get in and say “it’s pathetic, I know but I’m only just up the way.” He nods and smirks he understands that this is just what I need. He turns on some jazz and turns up the volume and flys down the street. I roll down the window to let my chin rest and absorb the summer breeze. We stop and a man leaning back sweetly coos “you’ll get where you need.” Feeling like I’m in Manhattan 2023 feeling like I failed my feet I walk up the stairs, I strip to my skin, and I surrender to the heat. Summer swarms and melts my eyes I'm slowing down I'm feeling steady I'm glowing I'm sticky I'm getting ready and I paid my fare, I’ll end there.

[showponyyy]

baby's first baby's

june 8, 2025

[showponyyy]

stuff at night, though of course it depends

may 5, 2025

i had a nightmare last night and i woke up to 2 people fighting outside my window. a domestic spat which makes it worse because that means they loved each other once. it’s 4 am and at 12 am i decided to break a spell. didn’t want it to bleed the 5th. but it did and that’s fine but at least i said it. & i’m letting go of the $70 i didn’t have to give. my friends are having sex and now it’s with each other and chloe’s leaving melatonin and a guest check with instructions on my pillow cause she knows i can’t sleep. tonight i really tried. even after the first nightmare i didn’t give up i tried again and that’s when i heard the shouting below of the man and woman once in love and now fighting at the bus stop on graham ave. she was screaming at him not to put his hands on her and he was wailing back that he would never but she’s making him angry and i swear if god has a remote then he was pausing and rewinding this moment over and over again because they only said the same thing for almost an hour. i have to sleep with my windows open and even with that it’s still almost too hot to sleep. i finally get up and look out as the yelling escalates to skin and see them clearly on the street beneath. i bang on my window to deescalate and as a sort of form of warning they don’t notice or care and i call 311 & explain to them the situation because now im worried for her safety and my sleep. when i tell them whats happening they transfer me to 911 and as im on hold i hear the woman scream im not going back to jail and start to run down the street. i hang up the phone before the officer can say whats the prob— they walk down opposite ends of graham ave and i hope that was the last time they meet no one should make you scream at 4 am like that no one should make you think they will put their hands on you she doesn’t deserve to go back to jail and i have no other closing remarks because its 4:34 and im so tired i

[showponyyy]

whole foods is a soup kitchen

says my 22 year old friend alyssa as she pulls out a sapphic assortment of soft cheeses and spicy jam and water crackers and mixed fruit. all stolen

i pour her a glass of wine, a chilled red. i am drinking tequila with a splash of expired grapefruit juice. we cheers to being gay? or women or something like that

alyssa is a friend i know through ben she makes music under the name ella luna. she tells me she's married to her girlfriend but not like literally married like she's just married and she wants to go out to find someone to kiss. but they're not open or poly or anything like that. but erin knows and erin does the same and i guess this is modern marriage.

we go to the woods for woods wednesday because if you're a lesbian looking to cheat not cheat on your wife not wife then this is where you would go

i become a wallflower in the woods. i dont really feel like i belong there? i dodge hey mamas in black tank tops passing me by with their hand on my lower back and im back in college at the sigma chi party. hundreds of lesbians scream breakaway by kelly clarkson at the top of their vape filled lungs. it must have been the hit i took of isabelle's weed pen and also my disdain for kelly clarkson (more on that another time). but i needed to leave

i walk home cause its not that late and its a beautiful night and i am full of joie de vivre and isabelle's weed and expired grapefruit juice and tequila. i pass a stoop where some girls are sitting and they bark at me and laugh and as i get a little further down the street i hear one of them say "she was so hot" i roll my eyes and feel annoyed because women feel a sort of permission to objectify other women on the basis of sex & esprit de corps or sumn shit but i feel like shit all the same and there’s no Latin phrase for this feeling

alyssa texts me that she had the best night ever and i feel really happy that she did and that we are friends despite being connected through someone im friends with no longer and i look up kelly clarkson's net worth and i sigh and stare in the mirror for so long that i start to fall asleep but then the synapses in my brain fires to tell me i'm hungry and i remember that i'm high so of course i'm hungry and then i remember i have stolen whole foods charcuterie in my fridge. nice!

[showponyyy]

subway observations

april 16, 2025

on the commuter morning rush L

Bland and boring fashions and small travel mugs that look like stemless wineglasses 

I’ve just come from a barre class, my preferred workout because you don’t get too sweaty and you feel like a ballerina. Something I’ve never been thin or graceful enough to be. 

I walk to the train, it’s brisk for April 

I see a flower market and think when was the last time I bought myself flowers. I opt for some peony tulips. I stop into the Italian market now that I’m spending money and I get a pistachio latte and a can of tinned fish. It’s smoke salmon in a Szechuan chili sauce. Two of the trendiest things you can buy I furrow. 

At 10:31 am on the L train from Bedford ave to Montrose ave I see a woman in a gray zip up selling various candies and gums and chocolates she wears it around her neck and monotonically drones on in Spanish advertising her loot 

A girl in pink crocs adorned with whats that word again? gibbits? I never cared for those 

A person (presumably a man) gets on in a pepto bismal pink jacket and the biggest book on the shelf. They’re only a few pages in. 2 people are reading and the rest are on their phones. I wonder if they’re all just scrolling or if they’re learning anything or perhaps writing subway observations. This train car contains more diversity than most places I ever was in waco Texas. For that I am grateful 

At grand street a man sleeps on the bench 

People are generally keeping to themselves. Looking in their laps sitting as far apart as they can. I think about my manifesto 

If you want to experience your life, look up

And I’ve arrived   

[showponyyy]

save me sunday

april 13, 2025

save me spring cleaning

save me sex and the city

save me seven dollar latte

save me stranger at the bar

save me slice of pizza

save me soapy water

save me shot of tequila

save me shoes i never wear

save me skinny cig

save me sunday

[showponyyy]

?❓❔?

I thought oh but I need you so much  Someone to make feedback Someone to hold up the mirror  You say ugly  and Ill say when  But im making sounds myself now  

I ask you to be proud and you answer with a question 

im gonna write for me anyway  For me I would I read and think fuckkkkk. I think for me I would and And im drawing a blank 

The girl behind the counter at win son finally knows my name  Mom comes for easter 

Heat heat heat I think sunday night 

The logician I interviewed in the white plains bowling alley parking lot told me to ask more questions  Why? I ask him and we both laugh I fucking hate philosophers 

I wish to be unserious And elusive And provocative And prolific 

And eclectic 

But mostly I just want to laugh and lay down and stroll annnnndddd sing tunes and love and love and love 

I dont want to always ask questions I like to answer sometimes when its simple and when im sure that feels good thanks 

[showponyyy]

lucky strike!

march 31, 2025

i’ve been on a lucky strike

luck comes in many forms you know, lucky pennies & lucky cigs &

actually those are the only 2 i can think of

but im being watched by angels in groups of 3s & 4s & my bias is confirmed by sidewalks & signs & i strike a match & light a cig & let the luck into my lungs watch it run out to reach my lips

j train to jack’s on friday for birthday bowling.

oh great

blast!

think ill go for a strike

it’s lightening tonight & cash can feel it in his back & i feel the sparks at the table when i look at all the faces of my friends & i think ive struck gold

i scavenge for a lucky penny on my walk home

after being ogled & cat called don’t i deserve compensation? a measly cent? i keep my eyes peeled to the street afraid if i look up that luck will pass me by but maybe lightning will strike me.

chin tucked & lucky

eyelids proud & lucky

head down & lucky

lucky lucky lucky

[showponyyy]

what's in my bag?

march 30, 2025

𖦹 lip liner shade 'mesquite'

𖦹 byline valentines zine

𖦹 chrome nailpolish

𖦹 noah's red guitar strap

𖦹 photobooth strip from gold sounds :*

𖦹 dimes hot sauce

𖦹 james' stapler (who's james!)

𖦹 lychee nectar lip oil

𖦹 airpods

𖦹 brown mascara

[showponyyy]

march 29, 2025

on the L train at 12:37 all i see is light brown liquid. it’s 75 degrees. wait wait wait im not ready. what about false spring? tomorrow back to 57. thankful for the inverse. a little longer to get clean a little longer to cover up a little little longer the skinny cig lasts. i say “can you believe this beautiful day we’re having” he says “looks like rain” ok.

[showponyyy]

bowl in a china shop

march 27, 2025

over a skinny cig chloe tells me about the girl whose life she wishes she can ruin. we laugh cause it won’t come true. we laugh cause we aren’t mean spirited except over a skinny cig on the corner of graham and johnson. we talk about fame. like getting famous. i say that i spent so long preparing for people i don’t know to send me hate messages that i forgot to prepare for people i did know sending me messages at all. like kennedy stephenson. a former friend. someone i associate with my “bad past” reaching out to me on instagram telling me it’s so cool to see where i am now. i don’t want this. i don’t accept the message request. it feels defiant and empowering and scary and

i throw a dinner party. it’s the turn of the season after all. we talk about how spring is the real new years. (acknowledged and confirmed by the mia lorelei substack!)

farrah and i plan a trip for australia. giddy at the idea of getting away. going far. we talk about the feeling of belonging. like a bowl in a china shop.

[showponyyy]

What’s in Farrah’s Bag*?

*baggu

march 26, 2025

⟢ strawberry flavored herbal cigarettes & a red lighter

⟢ periwinkle velcro wallet

⟢ “the best pen in the world”

⟢ lanyard from the university of virginia (go cavaliers?)

⟢ kindle obviously

⟢ big green headphones

⟢ a loose daffodil from a dinner party

⟢ used & unused napkins

⟢ a journal

[showponyyy]

greenpoint,needlepoint, what’s the point?

march 19, 2025

the worst feeling in the world is having to pee on your walk home from greenpoint. i only know my way around from one L station to the next. i was never good at directions but great at remembering landmarks. like the artist & craftsman store means im near the grand street L and the williamsburg pizza means im now a 10 min walk from home. as i start to think about who i would be if i lived in greenpoint i remember the last thing i did there. how it didnt line up with who i think i would be if i did live in greenpoint (if i were a greenpointer, greenpointian?). well that is of course because i live in east williamsburg and not in greenpoint.

i listen to fiona apple and think it could induce me labor. i’ve been waking up either horny or hungry and i no longer can tell the difference in those two feelings. i admire my friends what’s new. admire their beauty, their writing, their music taste, their shoes. i walk home from my yoga class in greenpoint and think about how i’ve never felt pretty in workout clothes. yesterday i walked from the lower east side through soho and the west village hanging posters that read “got that dog in you?” with farrah and ally. we saw benny blanco pass bon bon and we stopped for candy impulsively sitting on a bench outside trying various sweet treats. gummy sharks and frogs and jaw soring marshmallows. we also stopped at sunday sunday for a matcha and to observe the cute barista farrah has been debating leaving her number for. heart full and teeth sore and tummy aching

i reach williamsburg from greenpoint and go to variety because i can’t make it home before i burst. when i get into the bathroom i think “sweet relief” i want to laugh at myself for being such a goof! sometimes i think in needlepoint pillow sayings. like my mom

last night on the phone i tell farrah sometimes it feels like my value is tied to my art. like i am only as cool or important as my choice to create. and i worry i would be nothing without it. i think the only way i can cope with reality right now is through surrealism. i started reading a book on eve babitz i cant tell if i wanna be like her or have people obsessed with me like they are her. i dont really get obsessed with celebrities. and i never did. i had my one moment when i joined a nick jonas fan club as a kid but other than that i didnt have beiber fever or claim directioner status. other people’s lives interest me sure they fascinate me they do. but it doesn’t breed obsession. not like lili anolik’s obsession with eve babitz. i want people to think me strange and opaque and i think i would be okay if they called me cold even. i can be cold sometimes. but more often im warm.

i tell the same story to two friends. to farrah and chloe i recount how during my week in austin while sick i had a bit of a crash out resulting in me taking too much adderall found in my cousin’s kitchen cabinet, getting gems on both my front teeth like braces, and breaking down in my car in front of a dentist while my insurance was on a hold because in america not only is health insurance not free but after you do finally start paying for it yourself theres a 15 day “holding period” where it’s not active yet. so when you get bronchitis and need antibiotics or you have a crash out and get gems on your two front teeth and want to go to the dentist to get them removed you can’t. well you can you just have to pay for your sins and your sinuses. i cant tell who knows me better from their reaction to this story. farrah for being concerned or chloe for laughing,,,,i conclude both are appropriate.

i make it home. i pass my landmarks: win son where i get my morning coffee and the gourmet deli where i get my midnight turkey sandwiches. grateful for my real life in east williamsburg and ideas of my life in greenpoint.

[showponyyy]

and be glad in it

march 19, 2025

in the south we said “this is is the day the lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” and be glad in it. be glad in it

we also said things like “give up the gun” when we meant calm down and “yall come back and see us now” and we also said the texas pledge every day right after we said the pledge of allegiance

my father is from ohio and went from working in a steel mill to harvard to becoming a philosopher to becoming a father. he told me that everything is a choice. even some pain

like it’s scalable. how bad from 1-10 does it hurt

it can’t hurt you if you don’t let it

bite the bullet

there’s a 12 gauge bullet called a birdshot. not meant to kill but rather to just draw blood? well it was made to kill birds but people inevitably misuse it. my dad told me a story of a man he worked with who went out drinking every weekend only to come home to his wife who met him at the door with a birdshot to his stomach. a warning fire a few stitches probably a point made. the man laughed my dad laughed i tense my tummy and feel a phantom pain

as i live my now metropolitan life in new york my life in the south gets increasingly out of focus. everything looks a little nicer when it’s blurry. i walk around brimming with inspiration from my surroundings from my friends from art from my stomach and i think about how many things have hurt me but didn’t kill me. i think about how i could choose to harbor resentments or let past traumas consume me how i could ruin my day every day if i thought about it and if i wanted to but instead i choose to be glad in it

[showponyyy]

love will make you fit it all in the car

march 15, 2025

i was not immune to the cameron winter winter craze. i wasn’t necessarily a geese truther before although i did recently revisit 3D country with pleasant surprise. but the cameron winter album heavy metal hit me in a way an album has not in a while. each song compelling me to actively listen and engage. catching little production moments on every pass that i didn’t notice before and having lyrics that will timely reveal themselves like a mood ring. while listening on the airplane to austin texas i was especially locked in as this was one of the 3 albums i had downloaded and as i was rereading a favorite book of mine: twenty love poems and a song of despair by pablo neruda. now i know how annoying this combination makes me sound but please stay with me.

while listening to love takes miles the line that really stuck out to me was:

“You left me, promising your shoes I need, I need your feet more than you do”

it made me think of one of my favorite poems from the pablo book called your feet

it goes,,,

When I cannot look at your face I look at your feet. Your feet of arched bone, your hard little feet. I know that they support you, and that your sweet weight rises upon them. Your waist and your breasts, the doubled purple of your nipples, the sockets of your eyes that have just flown away, your wide fruit mouth, your red tresses, my little tower. But I love your feet only because they walked upon the earth and upon the wind and upon the waters, until they found me.

so the bar has become someone who worships your feet for walking you through life up until you met them. hooowow! makes you think of all the steps you take. first steps, confident steps, cautious steps, steps on hot earth, steps on steady ground, tiptoes downstairs, pounding quick steps, and weightless ones. steps that lead you new places and to new people. theres so much simplicity in love when you feel it from your feet. wiggling your toes and saying thank you!

[showponyyy]

Is it better to speak or to die?

march 12, 2025

What’s there to say about losing your voice? 

My throat decided to sabotage me on an important week of parties and events and shows. I am in Austin for south by southwest. Or as Madeline has been calling it: “south bisexual southwest”

I played my first show on march 7 at 1301 gallery on a lineup with Chloe and Montclair <3 

unfortunately this wasn’t the best show for any of us because the sound at this “venue” was ass. Like so ass. The sponsor of this show was also a weed infused alcohol, which I didn’t realize until I had already been drinking a cup remarking “damn this sure tastes earthy” after my first sip. Following this show I lost my voice. And subsequently my ability to do any of the activities I came down to austin to do. At home during my bed rest I have had more than plenty of time to sit and think. Sit and think and spiral and journal and spiral some more. I have been thinking about what kind of friend I am. In the wake of having a semi falling out with a close New York friend of mine I have been apt to look inward. despite a song lyric I wrote I am never one to look for who I can blame when things go wrong. I always think “what did I do this time.” This time around my first thought was that I let my busy schedule get in the way of being a good friend. And thats surely my fault it certainly couldn’t be anybody else’s. But then I started thinking back on some of my other failed friendships and why they are no longer. I thought about what they had in common what kind of people they were, how the friendship made me feel, why did we become friends, what kept us together, and ultimately what pulled us apart. In this reflection I started to gain some conscious around the fact that entering a friendship with someone is a risk much like the risk of a romantic relationship. It may not always work out. Ok duh yeah fork found in kitchen. But really. I have always been someone who is afraid to let people down and who never wants to hurt anyone. causing me to stay much longer in friendships and relationships and situations that are proving bad for me than I should. now I’m making all of these observations freshly so forgive me for not having much more insight to offer. I wish I could say “and heres how I stopped feeling anxious about friendships ending” and serve it up under a silver tin. But sadly I am writing this in the rawness of feeling it and thus have no platter. 

Anna and I talk about managing expectations, a conversation I’ve become too familiar with having. I say how I hate when people have them of me and she says she hates when she has them of others because then she’s always disappointed. Lose lose. How do you make a friendship work? how do you know when to stop trying? Is there a good or right way to end a friendship? does it get easier?

Ultimately I think it’s a feeling. You know how someone makes you feel when you leave a room. how your feet feel when you talk to someone. How your jokes land, how you deal with conflict, etc etc. 

Friendship is a risk its scary and real and what makes life worth living which is why it keeps you up at night spiraling when its going south

And if my voice weren’t gone I think I would say something right now