siddick

[siddick]

sometimes i just want someone to ruin my life respectfully

[siddick]

Someone told me recently that you are this person who comes off as a bit self content to the point where you don't need reassurance or even just assurance because you'd understand (?)

But in reality, you are this person in life who needs the most of it and you just live by continuing to suppress that feeling because asking for it would risk losing people....

Weirdly thinking about it...

[siddick]

Am I going crazy or is this like really fucking beautiful and hot(?)!!!

[siddick]

I need to start writing again

[siddick]

Stop ignoring me.

Baba, I'm not ignoring you

I don't like making people feel ignored.

Dw...

[siddick]

You okay?

I don't think okay is a term I use anymore

I'm just wherever I have been for the past few months and I'm trying to get out of there but apparently there's no force enough to pull me out of it...

Let's hope life does take a turn and something happens cos my efforts are apparently not enough, someone else's luck is needed here...

[siddick]

Why are you ignoring me?

Why would I ignore you baba?

What will I get out of it!

[siddick]

[siddick]

AMEEEERRR HONA HAI BC!!!!

[siddick]

[siddick]

[siddick]

Kya koi cheatcode hai success ka jo mujhe nai milra hai??

Bhai ho to dedo yaar please ab nahi raha jaara

[siddick]

how do I get rid of this sadness now that I've made a home out of it? how do I tear this house down when me and my weird, uninvited grief live here together?

[siddick]

Weirdly,

Today I feel like crying as if there's so much in me that I haven't let out

There's so much to talk about,

There's so much to grieve,

Today I feel this sense of loss

The way loss feels to clouds

I'm scared I'd rebel.

I'm scared I won't.

[siddick]

Devnagri brings out something unspoken from within me

MAI RAKHLU BYOLI BANYU... GHUMALU KHAIT SE PAUDI BATYU... MAI SATH MANDAAN LAGALU... MAI RAKHLU TWE TE BUARI BANYU... DHARA MA PAANI PILAULU MAI... MATHU MATHU CHAL MYARA TU GAU... LEJALU DOLI MA TWE TE... MERI SUA MITE TERI HAI SAU...

Transl: "I’ll keep you as my beloved… I’ll roam from the fields to the village steps… I’ll celebrate the festivals with you… I’ll make you my wife… I’ll bring you water from the stream… You walk gently, my village girl… I’ll carry you in a wedding palanquin… My hundred sorrows will be sweetened by your love."

[siddick]

[siddick]

I give up on the search for even intimacy....

I think I'll be okay without it.