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Fuck loving you, I wanna trust you, it’s easy to love somebody, but it’s hard asf to trust mfs these days.

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I ain't forcing shit. You think you can find better, go get it.

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It hurts to have to talk about something you never wanted to bring up. From the day I met you, I’ve always felt you carried a weight on your shoulders. I now know who caused it.

I know about it all too well, even though I would like to forget. So excuse me for wanting it to end. This pain that you’ve brought upon me only thickens as time passes. The thought of someone else on your mind is… well… painful. There is no word great enough.

I found the poloroids in the “lock box” you talked about. The ones you were hoping to hide from me forever. There is nothing you can hide.

You can try, but sooner or later the truth will be exposed, whether forcibly or willingly.

I have so many questions. So much I want to say. You really do miss them, don’t you, Nicholas? The taste of them on your lips. The sound of their voice. Their body in your hands, so perfect and small.

So why don’t you just leave?

Why don’t you go be with them instead?

Why do you keep me here? Is it because you know I won’t go away? Because no matter how much you hurt me, how many times you lie, I will still be here at the end of the day? At least I was able to stay, unlike someone. At least I never pushed you away, right?

At least I’m fucking here.

But so are they. In secrecy. You aren’t so good at that, no matter how hard you try.

I must admit, you’ve gotten better. But this is my life. Every single person I have met, I have lied to and deceived them all. Except for you. Why is that? Why can’t I bring myself to hurt you the way you did me? Why can’t I sneak behind your back with a sword and drive it in so deep you have to gasp for air you can’t seem to catch?

Why does this hurt so fucking much??

It’s turning into a physical pain. The cramps im getting in the middle of my chest get worse day by day.

But at the same time, with every lie you give me… I’m starting to let go. It’s getting easier to block it out. I like not talking about it, only to your face. Oh, how i wish I could scream at you. I wish I could just walk away.

But I can’t. Especially not now.

What’s more important to you? Their body, or the baby I have waiting for you?

Is it worth it? Risking your entire future just so you can tell them you miss them? Just so you can write about how much you miss fucking them?

I am never letting you touch me again.

I hate you for what you’re doing to me.

It feels so cold.

You make me feel like nothing.

Why do you still stay? What do I have for you that you need?

Like I said before, you can’t have both.

So it’s time to choose.

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Shayni