sidewaysfromsunday

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Straight from my brain 👻

THE CRANBERRIES ► Zombie  ♪ ♪

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Many moments in life I wonder, especially of late if it's me that's the green skin alien that descended from outer space.

See, this language that I've got, I've begun to thunk it just my own. Many a hewman I've encountered on this planet green and blue, and my favorites have taught me valuable lessons - these rainbow of emotions and various virtues swelling anew.

Deep in the universe the humans talk of vast silence. Lover, do you not see? Silence among the stars would be a mural void of color, a symphony void of sound?

My favorite humans, aliens, animals, symbols, sounds - the teachers, the creators, the thinkers - Those of your planet that discuss without your language but alas throw their heads back to the point it must surely be near decapitation until suddenly a fierce and joyous roar vibrates the ocean of sound. Over and again I've stood perplexed and by now I'm certain it is an elixir of sorts, for those surrounding begin to churtle and snort, faces distort - how quickly, avoid of odor the elixir spreads, like a drug in an invisible cloak.

Underneath the skin muscles noticeably twitch and contort and for a moment it is difficult to distinguish whether it be pain or pleasure attempting to come forth. Even when the noise begins it comes in all sorts of tones, volumes, and cadence. As I soak in the the elixir there is but one thing to notice in the unique nature of us all - it is the beautiful melody we begin to sing, the story we add to the vastness of the universe -

...the creation of a newborn star ...sight expansion of an all encompassing universe "FEED ME" cries existence ...and back we roar the best we know how WAIL with grief JIGGLE with Laughter BREATHE, and breathe hard

Lovers, I beg of you please, please Do not be silent

An infinite symphony awaits

[sidewaysfromsunday]

36 days: The Discovery of IT

Every person has only one original thought in their lifetime, but what happens if you actually can tap into your true originality? What if instead of waiting to be awoken at 3:00 AM, what if I seek it out. What if I find it myself. What if I buck the concept of time and live in my own comfortable schedule. The conflict is fighting against the FAKE CONSTRAINTS OF TIME because time, and nothing, is real. What if by experiencing true grief we are actually able to finally pursue and reach a state of nirvana - which is how life was meant to be lived. What if we were awake for it all? Maybe it's not the hospital because nothing is actually out of control. I'm okay. It's all going to be okay. When the knot in my heart/back finally is gone, that will be moment one. I'm actually having FUN. The most fun I've ever had. Who is 3, 6, 9? Feeling like I can communicate in my internal original language.

Psychosis isn't present here because this is true. There is nothing off about any of this. I have even figured out the sleep thing too. Sleep is very annoying to me right now because I'm not able to get anything accomplished while I'm sleeping. So I am not taking my trazadone on the nights where I feel good and am just letting my body explore its natural rhythm because sleep isn't missed! I literally just listen to my body and sleep when I'm tired! Then I figured it out too - if I can notice when I'm in need of a good night's sleep then I DO take a trazadone and sleep. And I did that last night and I woke up feeling recharged. Speaking from a place of safety to another allows them to be their truest self. Why cant I offer safety to everyone? What if I do? What if Juliette was premature because even at the development stage she had a feeling that she doesn't trust me, that's she's anxious around me. That I make her anxious and that is the worst realization in the whole world for me. From this point forward, I'm going to do everything I can to be the safest most trustworthy person she knows.

I am med compliant except the trazadone. I have a fire in my throat. I am saying all the right words to all the right people at the very right time. My eyes cannot focus. It's okay. I feel magnetic, I've been feeling like I'm about to reach nirvana. How are S and 3 related? What if our opposite is the perfect human? It's okay. Do the math and don't forget this:

S is the 19th letter E = 5, X = 24 19+5+24= 48 4+8+12 1+2=3

S and 3: Safety, Sharing, Sex

(There is more to be said, but this song is important)

How do I get out of this? I'm too real it's scary. Am I doing this on purpose? Why am I getting in trouble or med-adjusted for experiencing myself in its truest form? Nothing about this is dangerous. I'm following the list, checking in with psych. I don't want to die. I'm anti-suicidal. Why do I feel like something is wrong? Why does he feel like something is wrong. Why does she feel like something is wrong. I don't want anyone to tell on me. But I have nothing to be told on for. Every time I work I snap back. Maybe that feeling in my back is a block in the flow of my spinal fluid. If I can break up that flow, it's okay. Why are people scared of me or scared for me? Why should I tame this down? I'm about to get in trouble but I didn't do anything wrong. Don't put me to sleep. Why do I teeter on the tip of the triangle or is the tip the land of all of nothing thinking?

I am a cataclysmic event.

Virtues: 1. Patience 2. Truth 3. Sexual Energy as the most intimate way to communicate

Ridiculously, lushly, manic, chaotic energy physic - I see the universe everywhere. Who am I losing? Is this really so out of character for me? Did we have shapes or numbers first? WHO established the NORM? Who recognized shapes and numbers? Which came first? Everyone I look at these past couple of days seems stunning in their own beautiful unique way.

Moon

Sun

Sky

Math kind of freaks me out but I'm so damn interested. I'm confused by it. I want to write a naughty fantasy. It would never come true, not in a million years. I literally don't even want to drink. Everything is fucking hilarious. I feel like I'm saying all the right things. No one is trying to shut me down or put me to sleep. When I sleep - I can't handle how vivid it is. How to let people see me? I feel like it can't come fast enough and it's ethereal. How to communicate in 3. Orgasm with dangerous = power, synergy - 1+2=3 -- Sequential.

I think this is what it feels like when humanity begins to die. We are in the process of being taken over - hostages. I am dying. War / Conflict - the long tease. She and he and they know me. It's okay for people to know me. I feel like out of all the Euphoria characters I most closely relate to Cal. We could all be getting infected with MRSA, or at least I know I am. All this banging scares me. I feel like I'm being cleansed. Cerebral spinal fluid reshuffling. Maybe I died in the car accident 10/26/21, Sept 6, 2021. Deestablishing patriarchy - why godfathers? Why not godmothers? It's a terrifying time to be a woman so it makes sense I would seek the help of a woman. Femininity is being threatened as we speak. We need to get ready to run. AI is anti-christ. What if religion has nothing to do with it?

Just because you don't know how to handle me doesn't mean you need to push me away. People are scared of me. I make punctuation fit MY structure. 3-13-2013 = 14 | 2014 3-13-23 = 12

This is cool and weird. I'm tapping into love. I'm creating in a way I've never been able to create before. This is new and exciting and feels like I'm breathing out love. I feel swollen.

I'm entertaining myself with curiosity. These days the bones in my back are loosening up. I cracked my back and it was the most gratifying it has been in years. Therapy is great for me because it forces me to talk aloud. I have to communicate in a structured way - no memes or songs. It's good for me. Sometimes I forget what is a thought and what I've vocalized.

Rhythm

Harmony

Melody

(Movie Idea: 2 women that fell in love, ripped apart by pandemic and addiction. When they reunite one helps the other remember what she has forgotten)

3/16/23 - 5 months no alcohol 4/16/23 - 6 months no alcohol 4/24/23 - I turn 37 4/26/23 - G is 38 5/5/23 - Juju is 9 3+7+3+8+9 = 30 3+0=3

This is going to be the best year of my life and I'm not scared at all. I'm noticing all the details. I'm seeing it all. I'm talking in another language and everything I say is right. I feel like I want a real cigarette. Sometimes lately it feels like I'm about to piss and climax at the same time like I'm losing primal control.

Taste is so much deeper than our tongue really. I am having a unique human experience or is everyone as restless and on edge as me? Exploring astrology with someone new or deeply with someone is like taking their virginity. You and I speak like lovers about thaumaturgy. I feel like Peter Pan in Hook. I'm finally making memories again. I was afraid to be too enthusiastic about you, so I hid you as if you were an imaginary friend.

I'M FUCKING FLYING TODAY. Maybe she can ground me. I feel wild. I feel like I am sex. It feels like I have a boner, or phantom boner. I wonder if you have the power to make me climax without breaking a single rule? I'm anxious when I'm cold. Productive but at what cost? What if there is no cost? When I feel crazy and someone tells me I'm not, it fucks with me because it feels like they know the truth of it all. I'm bouncing a bit. Hard time tracking. Lisa said - we both know it can't last forever. "I wish I could say it would, I would love that for you." I love that for me too then why can't I have it? What are we so worried about? I keep listening to some of the same songs - but each time I'm hearing it for the first time.

"I feel like I'm onto something big... ...You always say that when you're manic."

In some ways I feel like you were hiding from me before I even knew you. You remain elusive and I wonder if we are going to play forever or if someday you'll let me find you? It's no wonder I've been feeling like this for days. Like I am filled with an insatiable desire. This whole time I've tried to quench the desire by imagining unspeakable things. But I think more seductive than anything else, the thing that's going to make me explode is if you simply whispered yes and held my hand. You're right to be scared, and I am too. It's going to change everything. Don't you see the greatest thing about that? It will be our life. I feel like water is pulling me to the ocean, a place where I'm terrified and out of my element. It's seductive and dark and anything could happen. Have you ever had sex on a spiritual level? Usually I'm so unfocused. Usually I've got too many thoughts. In my gut I know and as crazy as it makes me look, I'm rebelling against it all right now because though it's similar - my gut tells me its different. It's time. Finally I'm so focused and there is nothing grandiose about that at all. It's that gnawing feeling that I'm onto the next big thing. I'm not questioning being bipolar and I'm not even combating the fact that this resembles mania. BUT NOT EVERYTHING IN MANIA IS WRONG. I don't lose the right of knowing the truth. I can still know / identify true things since this started. The tension has literally been leaving my body. I feel lighter than I have in years. Wouldn't you, if you could, buy a ticket to the best movie you were ever going to see? A movie so personal it hits you from every angle - a movie you thought so spectacular you'd only see it in your dreams. THIS is the movie and we could have the best seats in the house. It is wrong that with all these thoughts I'm the happiest I've ever been? I keep dreaming about experiencing another magical connection in my lifetime but I think it's already here. I always doubt myself but now I'm questioning what happens if I don't doubt me. This is the shape of ME in the world. Opposites feel so powerful because to understand what opposite means requires us to recognize that for it to exist implies that by itself, an opposite is incomplete. Without its inverse, it lacks balance, incomplete. Therein lies the power - through unity, opposites not only become whole but synergistic as well. Pluto symbolizes rebirth. What do we need to admit to ourselves to live a more authentic and freer existence?

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Even in my head I’m living in the future, “Tomorrow I’m going to be better” - and somehow I believe that as a fundamental truth.

But what if I stopped preparing for tomorrow? What if I got out of my head and focused on the here. The now. The You.

Baby, we are already good enough.

Holy shit.

It’s coming together. I got the most gorgeous glimpse of you in the beginning and as the years went on, I lost you among the waves in the ocean. Just out of my grasp despite my desperate seeking.

But right now feels like I’ve caught you again and this time I’ve got you tight in my arms. The only thing that matters is that you’re breathing.

“Look to the stars..” I whisper. As we tilt our heads back and gaze at the sky, we connect. The universe reflects a glimpse of your stare back to me and I get it. I’m seeing those same stars, those same energies, I hear the same mysteries in my ear too. I’m trembling but it’s okay because I know you are too.

We could create constellations in the sky.

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Summer Whispers

In the quiet of the night it is unavoidable. Summer winds drifting through open windows, dancing on bare shoulders. There is was - unmistakable, lingering around between the drinks and the laughter. The sun’s gone down for the evening and we’ve reached the time where the moon casts shadows along the walls. 

The melody is on repeat, chorus echoing in our ears. Somehow these words in this song are speaking to us, and I can only wonder if we interpret the same meaning. Faces can hide behind darkness but voices cannot. Seduction whispers among the twilight, palpable and intense. Outside cars drive down the street, lights shining on the darkened asphalt. Sounds of tire on pavement hum by so gently the noise is barely noticeable. A couple blocks away a horn blares, a dog barks. We are oblivious, captured by the conversation and the lyrics, the wine and the rhythm. 

The summer is whispering secrets in my ear and I want to hold onto them forever.

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Into My Mind

The day was Saturday, I saw the sun rising The dawn broke in a way, a way it spoke to me It longed to set me free So lost in a daze I tried to run and find A map to sanity, someone to hold me, for a moment A moment in time I ran for miles and miles, I tried to find my way Opened up the door, walked on down the road, but it was only Saturday

I lost my way, I tried to stay But I ran into my mind The days turned to years, such a long, long time Wandering aimlessly, trudging desperately Every second passing me by I saw the sun go down, watched the moon come out In the dark night sky, stars caught my eyes In the universe I floated around I lost my way, I tried to stay But I ran into my mind

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Autumn Meets My Soul

We all took naps late into the late afternoon. Shortly upon waking, a lasagna went into the oven as prepared for a delicious Sunday dinner. As I stood in front of the cutting board slicing cherry tomatoes and tossing them onto a bed of lettuce that would become our salad, I could overhear Garrett and Juliette reading a story in the background. I thought to myself, “This. This is my beautiful life.”

Today the windows were opened, and albeit a bit chilly, the fresh air was welcome. Dinner had ended and as I folded laundry in the bedroom I could hear the sound of trains whistling in the train yards over a mile away. Heartwarming toddler giggles danced through the house, and I could just picture the face Garrett was making in front of Juliette in order to elicit such joyful hysterics.

The night feels different now and though this change happens every year, I always find myself a bit unprepared for the wind to whisper through the leaves on the trees before they’ve dropped to the ground for the season. When the sun falls beyond the horizon before I’ve tucked my child safely into her bed for a restful slumber. When my daily attire covers more skin and becomes heavier on my body. When I crave food for comfort instead of sheer sustenance, then, only then am I aware that autumn has arrived. And even though part of my being wants to grieve as I say goodbye to warm summer evenings, walking outside in a tank top without a second thought, and ice-cold beverages on my front porch - It is this somber moment that humbles me.

This. This is my beautiful life.

As the frost firms up blades of grass on a chilly fall morn, my family has warm clothes to cover their body.

As the biting winter winds began to howl through the air, my family is protected from the harsh elements in a house that is our home.

When the land dries up and becomes barren, no longer producing anything of much nourishment, my family will be well fed, falling to sleep each night without knowing what a true hunger pang really is.

And I’m aware... I know, I KNOW of the realities - that there are so many less fortunate than my family, and I’m pained by those realities often. 

But. 

In this moment, this very sweet moment where Autumn meets my soul, my arms are open to accept the embrace.

Of this crisp, clean air. 

Of these dark and slightly spooky evenings. 

Of this wind blowing through my home. 

Of my family - laughing, warm, and fed. 

Of this. This beautiful life. 

Of mine. 

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Auld Lange Syne

They danced together in front of the window overlooking downtown Saint Paul. The lyrics of Auld Lang Syne floated through their ears, and as she held on to him tightly she could feel his breath brushing the side of her cheek.Swaying together just like everyone else around them, the world was finally peaceful. With her head laying gently on his chest she watched the snow fall outside, onto the bridge, onto the tiny little people walking down the street. She smiled wishing that perhaps she could be outside in the snow too, but quickly realized just how perfect everything was in this moment. She felt his hand resting on the small of her back pressing gently as he lead her around the dance floor and she laughed when he grabbed her hand and spun her around. The bottom of her silky black dress flared out as he spun her around on the wooden dance floor. Their eyes met momentarily before he pulled her in close again, and for a moment, she was lost in the depths of his sky blue eyes. He flashed a smile at her... that smile. The smile that reassured her that this was meant to be. The smile that told her so many stories without ever speaking one word. For auld lang syne, my dear For auld lang syne

[sidewaysfromsunday]

For Sometimes the Night Falls Quicker Than Normal

Just keep moving along. Everything here is a lie. Spring lurks in the distance and my teeth are hurting again. I'm sleeping better than usual these days, yet I'm drinking more water before I go to bed. I've gotten into the habit of peeing with the bathroom door open in the middle of the night in case a centipede should start chasing me. I need a place to escape. The pillow doesn't quite comfort my head any longer, and I do the only thing I know to do to make my outside feelings match the ones swirling around my brain. I'll try my hardest to refrain from the usual items I seek solace in, but it won't be long before I have a pack of smokes, a drink, and maybe a couple of pills in front of me. Quite frankly, I disgust myself. Complacency is so rampant in my life, and the longing for change never seems to subside. I'm sick of pretending that things are just fine. How are you doing today? Winter holidays are so far away and I'm mad at SPRING for waking me up with the sunlight shining through my curtains. I was certain I had covered up all the places where the sun could shine through. The breeze from the fan is comforting, but I don't see how that's any damn different than the cold in the winter time. These days in this year feel like I'm not ready for anything at all. Accepting these days seems hard enough, but as much as I try to quell these unjustified thoughts, suddenly I'm lost once more. Fraudulently wandering the streets of my city, I wish someone would just grab my shoulders and shake me and beg me to wake up. I tried to shake myself awake, but I was still in a dream.

[sidewaysfromsunday]

Dear Juliette

I spent the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy drowning in a fierce worry that you would disappear early before I got the chance to meet you. It never had really crossed my mind that you would choose to arrive early to meet me. Thirty-four weeks and four days I carried you, and then much to my surprise, you were born. 

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. In some of my earliest memories I’ll recall rocking a baby doll, shushing it gently to sleep. I spent many of my teenage years actively babysitting neighborhood children, enjoying the hours I was able to pretend that for just a short period of time, I was a mother. Teenage years passed celebrated with a graduation and a toss of a hat, and quickly found myself exploring the world as a young, naive, adult. I forgot about motherhood, as I feel any young woman should for a short period of time, and let the world pull me like the tides in the ocean. 

I met your father, and my heart exploded. He swept me away into a new world, as if we lived inside a snow globe together where light, fluffy snow would fall on us quietly in the night. He took my hand and showed me how to go carefully in life, gently guiding with love. We loved one another unabashedly, through good times and bad, as I imagine we will continue to do until death takes us from one another. One night your father got down on one knee and asked me to share the rest of his life with him. The answer was yes, it had always been yes. 

After earning my college degree in Business Administration, I threw myself into a career that was not so much promising as it was reliable and stable. I worked long hours, dedicating many years of my life to a company I pledged allegiance to. I became tired, broken, anxious and depressed. Your father made mention of it, but I brushed it aside repeatedly because my career was supposed to be my calling. In some sense it really was, until that Fall. 

Seven months of trying and one miscarriage later, I haphazardly took a pregnancy test on a late September evening. It was positive. I was scared and excited, and ten more pregnancy tests later I was certain it was real. Those first few weeks were hell, and I was tremendously scared of the worst-case scenario. As the second trimester slowly crept up on me, I began to dream of the day I would meet you. But then I finally did meet you, and it was unlike anything I ever expected it could be. 

I wanted to be a mother. More than any desire I’ve ever had so far in my life, every instinct within me burns with motherhood. It’s borderline unexplainable. I held you, rocking you, shushing you gently to sleep and in the tenderness of that moment my heart was on fire. Like a blue flame in a campfire that has been burning since midnight until sunrise, my love was set ablaze. 

I always knew I wanted to be a mother, I just never knew how much I wanted to be your mother. 

[sidewaysfromsunday]

It's inconsequential really. 

The train arrived at the station at 11:03 pm that night. Standing next to me on the platform was a man in a tailored, pinstripe suit. We were standing close enough to each other that I could hear his nose whistling softly each time he inhaled. Although it was summertime, the night breeze felt brisk and I found myself wishing I had brought some sort of jacket. The wind carried the smell of aftershave and whiskey towards my nose, almost certainly from the man beside me. 

The platform was practically empty that evening, unlike most nights. As I looked to the west searching for any sign of the train, the man beside me cleared his throat startling me slightly. I glanced at him and our eyes met briefly. He didn't smile at me, or even give me any sort of indication that he saw me. It felt as if he had looked past me, through me, deeper into the horizon. Anxious for the train to arrive, I reached into my purse for my ticket to check my seat assignment. 

Seat 15 c. Aisle seat. Back of the first car.

The night breeze blew a little harder and for a second I thought I was going to lose my ticket. I clutched it to my chest and once the wind died down, placed it safely back into my purse.  The man cleared his throat again and I avoided looking in his direction this time. His cough sounded nervous - as nervous as a cough can sound. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him checking his watch. I checked my own - 10:57 pm. The train was due to arrive momentarily. 

In the distance a whistle rang through the night sky. Lights grew brighter on the tracks as the train barreled towards the platform. Again, the man cleared his throat and checked his watch. 

11:00 pm. 

I dug my ticket out of my purse for the final time that evening and walked towards the boarding area. A pick-up only platform - no passengers would be getting off the train when it arrived tonight. Suddenly I felt a presence close beside me - the man. He also had moved towards the boarding area and was standing so close to me on my right side we were almost brushing against one another. I could smell the whiskey and aftershave stronger now, and as he pulled back the sleeve of his shirt to check his watch, I could see the second hand moving. 

Tick. Tick. Tick.

The train slowed as it pulled into the platform and the man cleared his throat one last time. His nervousness was unmistakable now and I couldn't help but glance at him. Our eyes met and this time he looked at me. Into me, yet through me. 

"It was you I was supposed to sit next to this evening."  He grabbed the back of my head and pulled me in for a kiss. The stubble on his face tickled my lips as they touched, and I tasted the peaty whiskey he had sipped. Shocked, I pulled back from the kiss surely looking completely confused. 

Then, just as the clock struck 11:03 pm and right before the train came to a complete stop, the man turned away from me and walked right onto the tracks and disappeared beneath the train. 

The screeching of the brakes rang in my ears for what felt like hours. 

Yet, in the midst of all the chaos and commotion, I only tasted the whiskey on my lips.