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We looked inside some of the posts by siemprepensandomalo and here's what we found interesting.
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940
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421
Reblog Per Post
519
Reply Per Post
0
Time Between Posts
7 months
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16
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September 12th 2024
This year is kicking my ass so bad. My house had a basement fire in March so I can no longer go back there. My abuela passed away in April, my ex died in August. And Justin and I broke up shortly after that. I’m a mess but I’m trying so hard to keep one foot forward. I need guidance Lord, help me!
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August 14th 2024
Today was Monteé’s funeral. After hearing about his passing I was anxiously waiting for this day, to see him one last time. I had butterflies on the way there but as soon as we arrived at the funeral my heart dropped. People were standing outside already crying but I was able to build the courage to still go inside. As soon as you walked in you could see him. I walked up towards Zacorra and Michelle to pay my respects and Zacorra told me she had something to get off her chest. She told me that I was the love of Monteé’s life. That he always loved me, cared about me, still thought about me. Ugh that broke my heart but it also brought me comfort. It affirmed for me that what we had was real and genuine. I loved him and he loved me. If only we could’ve talked one last time or he tell me that he still loved me. Maybe we’d still be together maybe not. Seeing his body though was painful. He looked dull, not his usual self. And without his smile it just didn’t look like him. The speeches were extremely sad and I wanted to speak but I didn’t have the courage to stand at the podium. I got to meet some of his friends in the Marines and it was super humbling. Afterwards we went to the repass and then the gathering at Gingers. I’m glad I went because I was able to get a lot of answers as to what happened and why he chose to end his life. I will not be able to carry on knowing that he could have been my husband or the father of my kids. But I hope to God he knows that I love him with all my heart. I will always think about him and be grateful for the time we shared. Ugh I love you Monteé so so much. I’ll see you again one day in heaven don’t forget about me!!
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August 12th 2024
Monteé as much as I tried to hide it, I did love you. We were young but I still felt something towards you. I was so giddy to know you were coming home from wherever you were stationed. I would make sure I had no plans so I could spend each and every moment with you. Unfortunately we didn’t work out and we grew apart but I still loved you from a distance. Your happiness was my happiness. I wanted that for you whether it was with me or someone else. I was so happy when you found Sam because you were going through a lot. And she seemed to have brightened up your life. Idk what happened that made you decide to take your life and I never will. And that will eat me up forever. You won’t be coming back “home”. And I’ll never get to hug you again or see you smile or hear your laugh. I can only think of it in my memories and hold on for dear life that I don’t forget them. You were so sweet, so caring, so ambitious. You were a go getter and never let anyone or anything get in your way. You carried yourself to be a tough cookie, but we all know you were a sweetheart inside. You cared so much, maybe too much. And that’s what made you so down. But if you’re still able to see us on Earth. I hope you see now how many people loved and supported you. You had so much family and so many friends. You could make a connection with anyone. Your presence was a gift. I remember you said that for Christmas lol. Yes it sure was. I will never never never forget you. Our laughs, your touch, your smell, your heart beat, everything. I’m so grateful to have known you and that our families collided. I love you forever and ever. I’ll never forget you.
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August 8th 2024
Monteé committed suicide today. It’s still hard to believe that he’s really gone. I know he was dealing with depression years ago but I didn’t know it carried on for this long. Even though we are no longer together it still hurts. I think about his family and how they must feel. He loved his grandma so very much and I’m sure he just wanted to get away and be with her. She was his rock, his comfort, his heart. I pray that they meet again and that she keeps him safe. Just thinking about our mini concerts we’d have in the car with the music on blast. He loved to sing lowkey lol. Rest in peace, I love you.
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January 27th 2021
I haven’t written in a while, but just know there were so many terrible things that have happened in my life. But also very affirming moments. I’m devasted to be venting about this but, Justin literally just told me he was going to kill himself. I’m shocked and confused. I know I’ve said plenty of mean things to him before but I guess this time it finally caught up to him. I was just so angry with him because our arguments are also so one side. And when he finally does express himself now the subject of the matter ends up being about him. He got angry that I was trying to talk to him about how he feels after telling me he felt empty and I was pushing him to end his life. And he admitted that I have been very verbally abusive towards him. I can’t sleep feeling scared that he might hurt himself. It feels awful that he’s making me the bad guy and having me feel guilty for expressing myself. I’m just nervous now because how can I ever address things again if he’s now suicidal and fragile? Please give me the strength to get through this struggle. And please Lord give me the clarity to decide if this is right for me. Help me to be forgiven for the words I’ve said, and forgive me for not being compassionate when others are in need of comfort.
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June 28, 2019
Justin found out I was talking to Monteé again. I feel like trash. How could I do that to him? After all he’s done for me? Why is it so hard for me to settle down with him? I think it’s because of Monteé. So many small things remind me of him. Every time I drive to or from Kutztown I’m always thinking of him. Monteé and I were always up and down 422 having our little sleepovers. While he was away I met Justin, and it was so unexpected. We ended up falling for each other but in the back of my mind I was still thinking of Monteé. And clearly still think of him now. I was shocked when he told me he missed me and when I seen him at Geoff’s I couldn’t help but talk to him. But I still didn’t get the closure I wanted. So while driving to Kutztown today I thought of him once more and decided to tell him what’s been bothering me. I expressed to him how much he hurt me and how he ruined my relationship with Justin. How he strung me along with no regards to how I’d feel. I was always in his corner and to find out it was for nothing, is not easy to get over. So I can imagine how Justin is feeling right now. He actually cried, I was shocked. But also heartbroken. I never meant to hurt him so badly. Just when things were getting better I always find a way to destroy it. Maybe I’m just afraid of happiness after all.
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June 9, 2019
I can’t believe I had an abortion just last week. I was almost 2 months pregnant. The baby was conceived April 19th, but I officially found out I was pregnant May 14th. I took the abortion pill and it was definitely not what I expected. It was more painful emotionally than physically. I feel so guilty and ashamed about what I went through. I still think about how it would be if I kept the baby. It’s so much to handle right now, especially when it’s supposed to be a secret.
To my unborn baby, I love you. I wish I could’ve brought you into this world for you to hear it from me your mother. But unfortunately life isn’t as easy as it seems. May God bless you my angel.
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February 27, 2018
Wow, I’m finally back at Kutztown! After all these years I did it! I was so happy once I got here but that quickly faded. It’s becoming extremely hard to adjust. I don’t have friends anymore so I’m constantly alone. It’s really depressing being lonely on a daily basis. I always feel low so it’s hard for me to stay positive everyday. Because I’m not very motivated or upbeat it’s taking a toll on my academics. I can’t focus and I don’t feel confident in myself. Hopefully things turn around for me soon bc I can’t continue this much longer.
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September 25, 2016
Today I was at welas and Tio Jr was there. I tried asking him about how it was for him being in the Air Force. I then asked if he ever lost a friend in there. He told me no but it was common for them to die. So I started to talk about the situation with Monteé and started to burst into tears. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I just feel bad bc I want Monteé to be happy and I feel guilty and disappointed in myself bc I feel like I should've been more supportive or more attentive. He told me how I handled it was fine but I really wanna talk to Monteé. He's been ignoring my texts and I don't understand why. I just want him to know I miss him more than ever. I finally realized that I do love Monteé and this breakup is so hard to get over..
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September 12, 2016
Monteé and I broke up. I don't know why I agreed to it but I just want him to feel supported. He's going through so much and I'm sure he doesn't wanna string me along. But I never wanted it to end either. Idk what to do
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September 11, 2016
I think Monteé has PTSD. He's still really upset about his friend passing away July 17th who was in the Marine Corps with him. The other day he was on Twitter saying how he feels immense guilt and that he could've prevented his friend's death. I really want to figure out how he died so I can try to help him relieve some guilt and stress. He has surrounded himself with a wall and I feel it there. I wanna make him happy but he's really making it hard. Idk if I should leave him be or try to help him open up.
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September 4,2016
How dare you disrespect me like that? Swear I'm your girl and you're out here fuckin with weird bitches? I'm sexy as hell don't fuckin play me like that. I'm out here waiting around como una pedeja!!!! For 8 fuckin months! How dare you Monteé?
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January 2, 2016
I was diagnosed with chlamydia a few months ago. I noticed this months prior from the diagnosis but thought it was just a bacterial infection. I believe I contracted it while at Kutztown. I'm scared that I spread it before I got it treated and I never told my partners. It's likely that I contracted it again bc I've been sleeping with the same people. I'm embarrassed to go to the doctor. But the longer I wait I could become infertile. If I can't have babies idk what I'll do.
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June 22, 2015
Today Justin found out about how Chris raped me. And so did everyone else.
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February 13, 2015
Monteé came home. God, I missed him.
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