sighh-tama - Tumblr blog

[sighh-tama]

If I had my own surprise toy collection it would be LIL GUYS 🥺®

Lol and I take no creative credit for thing s that LOOK similar to other things lol.

[sighh-tama]

My best friend came out to me and I think that makes it a really special thing. I’m happy that he felt close enough to me to let himself be vulnerable like that. I’m sad that he felt he had to keep it from me though. I hope he finds what or who makes him happy.

I know I need to make my own way too but I don’t even know where to start. I love myself but sometimes I feel like people won’t take the time to see how special I really am and won’t love or notice the things about myelself that I love.

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I hate trying to reach out to people >:(

It’s hard and I’m not good at it!!

But I’ll be DAMNED if I don’t try. It’s put up or shut up Z0Z0. You either do stuff or you don’t. I think it’d be chill to have a bucket list but I’m too embarrassed to write down the things I actually want to do lmao 😂

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I’m a liar and I’ll never be happy because I’d rather die lying than show my true emotions and what’ I’m really like. I’m sad that I keep burying myself deeper and deeper beneath this fake life I’m feeding to people when really I’m just sad and scared cause I feel like I ruined my life I ill never get to where I wanna be. I don’t even know where that is. I aspire for so much but do nothing to work for it. I’m scared to try because I’m scared of failing.

I don’t want to die without someone knowing who I really am!

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I think the biggest misconception created by the movie universe and all things far from reality that make it all up is that every thing is so close together and only a second away. The time of travel and the space between your points of interests and the places in your life are never accounted for. In movies you just cut from scene to scene without any time wasted on the trip there.

And I think that makes reality sadder in a way. In movies you see all the settings consisting of places to see people that you like, do the things that you want. It all seems so close and easy to reach. When in reality the things you love take time and sometimes money to reach. The spaces between you and other things is really apparent when you feel lonely.

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Sometimes I feel like I go through periodic phases where it feels like the world was made for me to feeling like everything and everyone rejects my existence.

It’s sounds dramatic when I say it like that but it’s more like little things that make that overall feeling.

That one girl who looked away from me after I smiled at her.

Or the Dutch worker that had a nice conversation with the person in front of me but just put me thought with just a short hello.

I have a bad tendency of projecting pessimistic thoughts into what I’m perceiving when the littlest things don’t work out for me.

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I got a new car!! A pretty Chevy volt. Also I’m doing hella good at work. Building good connections and showing how useful I can be. I’m making good money and I might even travel out of town soon for work!

Life’s lit right now. I gotta remember to be grateful for everything I’m accomplishing and receiving. Also about how pretty and healthy I’ve become. My positive intent and efforts to be a better person are shining through and making me a lovely girl.

I just want a nice but now lol. Which I gotta exercise to get sighhh

I also want to put some thought into what I want to make out of my life. Amazon is a cool job and I’m good at it but I want to live off of what I create with my own two hands. Plus all that social interaction is kind of draining long term. People who don’t bring out the best in me or help me develop end up latching on to me. But I have made good friends.

I’ve decided I’m just gonna spend maybe another year then I’m out.

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My cars fixed and mostly running lol. I need to scrub those seats though.

I’m still working as an assistant manager. People are chill and my new shift has some interesting characters.

I think I low key messed up though cause I blew their fancy dinner off haha omg. I feel so bad but I just didn’t feel like going out ugh.

There was indeed progress with that guy lmao. Basically over the weekend it was his 21st birthday and he went to the clubs on mill. Me Fernando and the crew met up with him and we all got littt. The most embarrassing part is that we were all over each other ughhh I couldn’t even control it. I was just so buzzed and giddy and the music was good. He kept on asking me to dance and I was teasing him and asked if he missed me since I don’t work the same shift with him anymore. And he was so honest he was just like “yeah!” And he hugged me. And he kept saying that he loved me and I would just hug him and tell him same. And then when we were leaving I kissed him on the cheek and he turned and ended up kissing me on the mouth. He was really drunk though lol so I’m not looking that deep into it. But I can’t help squealing about it to myself hahaha. It was such a fun night over all. I treated Fernando and wade to dinner and we all danced together and I saw frannie at the club haha haha. I’ve been spreading me wings socially a bit.

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I got promoted to assistant manager which is chill. I worked hard and made myself someone to depend on. But I won’t lie and say that some favoritism didn’t play a part in it.

It’s kinda fucked up but now all I can do is work my hardest and make sure I don’t get too close to my bosses cause as much as I don’t dislike them, the only way this will work out is if I keep some professional distance from it all and don’t get caught up in any drama.

Other than that. I also got a new phone finally!! And my car is fucking busted omg. So there are progressive steps forward and back on my life right now lol.

My brothers going through a shitty situation with his wife currently so I hope he figures out what’s best for him and his kids. I know I’m always gonna be there for them and I’m gonna teach them how to me as kind an intelligent as possible.

Lastly I think I’m currently having the biggest crush of my life and I think he likes me back. I just have to make sure I don’t spend too much time thinking about it instead of actually doing something about it fuck.

These are just little life updates that I hope I can come back to with some actual development in them some time in the future. I haven’t been venting as much lately and I want to get back to at least sharing my thoughts somewhere.

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So my dad was a drug addict when I was younger and he'd cheat on my mom and put us in a really shitty financial situation. Both my parents did a horrible job in keeping me and my older brother uninvolved in their relationship issues.

He's better now. We got a clean start and because of that my little sisters got to live a good childhood and I'm glad for that. But I've never really addressed my childhood trauma with either of my parents.

[sighh-tama]

new daily regimen 2018/19

-day to day shit(cleaning, work, friends)

-watching something new even if it looks dumb

-drawing whatever the fuck comes to mind[free draw] + structured drawing objectives for practice(anatomy, textures, shapes, objects, animals, landscapes etc,)

-butt workouts

[sighh-tama]

I haven’t really been indulging my thoughts as hard as I use to lately. I think a big part of it is that I’ve been focused on the day to day. It’s tiresome and dumb sometimes but I feel less anxiety and dread about the big picture shit cause of it and that’s not a bad thing.

I want to get back into drawing again cause I know if i practice I can get really good and make something of myself through it. It’s just hard finding inspiration and creativity, I’ve never been that creative of a person honestly. But to cure that the best option is to saturate myself in different types of media and hope that all of it together will give me my own idea of what to make as my main style. Also the best route imo is to start with making accounts solely for my art and drawing fan art for various fandoms to generate exposure and a following. I did it with the tokyo ghoul fandom and that was with my shitty beginner art. So if I refine my skills and start relating content that people like I could definitely get a following and maybe start releasing my own original content. 

It’s a pretty cohesive plan but executing it is taking a long time cause I’m an unmotivated fuck that’s not trying like i should. I just keep coming up with stupid reasons to put it off which is ridiculous cause I’ll sit here in my room for hours not doing shit. I can’t lose sight of what I want to do. 

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Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride

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The key to life is thriving in every way you see possible.

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I think the best way to deal with all types of people is through trying to understand them. I've been trying to put that into practice more and more.

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I'm sad because my manager is leaving tomorrow and I'll never see him again and he was the coolest chilliest guy ever and ofc I had the biggest crush on him and he honestly only made it worse with his casual flirting and I fucking hate how mixed up he made me and how much I've thought of him.

And it's all even more dumb cause I never even tried to get at him I was way too busy imagining our dumb lives together instead of actually talking to the person that was in front of my these past fucking 6 months.

Plus I'm not even trying to get into it tonight but just all of this in general is making me feel things about my life and where I'm at and what I've done, that I don't want to feel right now.

Also I'm supposed to go to a pool party tomorrow but I have to swimsuit and I'm fat and I have backne.

It makes me sad that no one will w we truly understand me completely and that's the only kind of being together that'll ever matter to me and I'll never find that.