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sightful-tangents · 6 years ago

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january 1, 2020

Hi friends. It’s been a while, hasn’t it. I usually try and write something once a month or so but obviously I dropped the ball last year.

Can you believe it’s 2020? I think each year I start taking my resolutions more and more seriously. It’s one of those long-term commitments that I’ve found deeply rewarding just because of the passage of time. Simply with setting goals and the year passing by (for like, 5 years now) makes me excited with each coming year to think about what I want to accomplish, and how I want to shape my life.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. My 2020 themes note has been living in my phone for months now, but we’re here for the 2019 retrospective (original post here). It’s been quite a year. Here we go, on how I did.

THE BIG ONE

1. Put down roots. This resolution was three-pronged: a sturdy mental foundation, a sense of belonging in a place, and a feeling of belonging with people. I think I mostly accomplished that - my mental health (minus a very very stressful 1.5 months at work) has been mostly good, bolstered by well-timed vacations that cleared my head SO well (ugh, I *need* these breaks , that’s what I learned). I’ve been living in my basement for a bit over a year now and my space is coming together. I’m starting to really like being at home and in my space and feeling comfortable and content there. And lastly, a feeling of belonging with people… I do think I depend my relationships this year. I let a few go (or more like, I no longer hold those as dearly) but I formed a few new ones and overall, especially with the holidays being a time when I always reflect and feel extremely grateful, thinking of those that I cared about and wanted to give gifts/cards to… I’m just very grateful for those people around me and how they make me feel. I read a Bill Gates/Warren Buffet interview once, where Warren Buffet said his measure of success was whether the people you care about you love you back. This year, I felt this. So I’m going to count this one as done.

WORK

2. Don’t get fired.

I didn’t!!

3. No major fuck-ups (that may lead to being fired and/or my supervisor seriously regretting his decision to hire me).

I think I’ve made mistakes but this year, no major fuck-ups I don’t think.

4. Get a professional certification.

I did! I got a professional cert in the field of privacy.

5. Learn to be a better supervisor.

I think I did this. I think I’m better, specifically, I’ve been very intentional with being open with the person I work with/supervise, not micro-managing, and trying to support her to do projects she’s interested in. I’m sure there’s still a ways to go, but I think I improved.

6. Be okay with being uncomfortable at work.

I’m never going to feel completely comfortable, I don’t think. But I’ve been better and taking on projects that I’m not sure how to handle, and trying my best. Also, I’ve never been more fucking uncomfortable organizing a work event in my life (this was the 1.5 months of hell) but it’s done and nobody died.

TANGIBLE-(ish) 7. Be smart with money.

I did a budget this year, breaking down my categories of spending. Pros: I kept within my vacation budget, kept mostly to my savings goal, didn’t spend too much on groceries, spent a reasonable amount on restaurants/bars and entertainment. Cons: I think I spent a bit too much on clothes. I saved a decent amount as well (an inheritance and a tax refund helped as well, but thankfully I didn’t spend those frivolously).

8. Read 35 books.

Nope, I only read 14. I’m gonna only aim for 30 next year. Sigh. It makes me sad that I don’t read as much anymore, but I also have a physical bookcase now (YAY!) which gives me more excuses to buy physical books (YAY?)

9. Cook at least 2 times a week.

By “cook”… what did I mean? I didn’t eat out for dinner often, but often my dinner would be a quickly assembled meal (I eat oatmeal for dinner more often than I would care to admit). I’ll say this is half done. I definitely TRIED to cook more (as in with the pay and all that) but definitely not consistently at twice a week.

10. Get an IUD.

I did this! I don’t know if my body likes it (ugh the side effects are a-nnoying!). But it’s done.

11. Volunteer.

I volunteered for 2 events in 2018, and last year (2019) I did 3. I enjoyed them all a lot!

12. Continue playing piano for fun.

Again, I’m so glad I bought that piano (keyboard). It’s been truly joyful to re-introduce music into my life.

13. Learn and keep a new hobby.

YES I DID THIS. My friends know that I constantly talk about wanting to pick up a new hobby (I actually also took 8 weeks of pottery classes earlier this year… which was totally not my jam). But I asked for a guitar from my mum for Christmas and she gave it to me early in November and learning to play it has been infinitely rewarding. I suck really bad but I suck a tiny bit less each time.

SPACE

14. Travel.

My travel goals were: Taiwan, the Rockies (Banff and Jasper), and either South America, Turkey, or Eastern Europe. Also, maybe Toronto over the holidays. And I was very very very tentatively thinking about going to New Zealand in 2020, so let’s cross our fingers.

In reality, I made it to: Taiwan, Rockies, Japan, and Toronto. Japan was a surprise trip of sorts since it wasn’t on my radar, but I went with my Japanese housemate and had an AMAZING time. I felt so so happy and calm there, it was incredible.

15. Settle into my living space.

I’m now stressed out that I own too much shit. I mean, I have two dressers, 2 bedside tables, a kitchen table, 2+ chairs, a couch, a TV, a piano, a guitar, a bookcase + books, a few organization things, and all this kitchen shit. The next move is gonna SUUUUCK. But… my living space feels like mine. I have a second room with my instruments and TV and wall decorations I love and honestly it makes me happy to just chill there around all of “my shit” and think to myself “this is me”. It’s taken like a year to slowly get my stuff (like, I bought a Dyson vacuum on Boxing Day…) but things do feel like they’ve come together in to a safe space.

16. Settle into my city.

This summer was sooo good, weather wise. I stayed in the city, went on lots of dates, and just hung out in the sunshine. It made me love living where I am, although the rainy months are gross. I’ve also grown to know the restaurants, bars, and grocery stores near me and downtown, all of which make me feel a bit more rooted. Yay for yearly themes, eh.

RELATIONSHIPS

17. Make 2 new friends.

I don’t know if they’re new friends since I met them before 2019, but I have formed stronger friendships with an old coworker, as well as re-building a friendship that I had kinda cut off early in the year. Both I’m going to count.

18. Date people!

I did this! I made a little mental note to myself that I’d accept any date someone asked if in person, in addition to a challenge with my friend to go on 3 online dates (w/ different people). This means I’ve went on “dates” (could be as casual as coffee) with someone who asked me out on the street, on a bus, through Instagram DMs, and through tinder. It’s been mostly good, I think.

19. See my mom at least once or twice a month.

I did this! Having a closer relationship with my mom is another one of those things that have built over the course of years, and that I look back and am thankful that past-me (when I was in Toronto) decided to call her once a week when I was pretty MIA in university. Now we’re a lot closer and she has helped me so much (like, she’s pretty much helped me completely furnish my place).

20. Be a better friend (support & generosity).

I think so. I cut my friend circle a little bit (especially high school friends that I realized I didn’t need to hold so closely. It’s funny because when I went away for university, I loved my HS friends so much and would eagerly see them every time I visited. Now that I’m back, I just feel like my HS friends know the old me, and that the current me has changed so much. Or just to say that I think while I’ll always be friendly and love them, I just don’t feel a pressure to be as active in those friendships as I did before. I dedicate myself to other ties.) I’ve deepened my friendships (that I care about) and I know I’m still learning how to be a better friend (always) but I’ve really put in the effort this year.

SELF

21. INTENTIONALITY.

This is a bit of a hit or miss. I mean, I regularly watch 40 minute Bon Appetit youtube videos (I would die for Claire) and read fewer books than I have in like 8 years. But I think I was kinda intentional with my time (making time to see friends, spending my vacation time traveling). I’ll give myself a half point for this.

22. Keep my mental health in check (and prioritize it).

I had 1.5 months of mental health hell, for real. I felt like I didn’t have any time to live my life, including buying groceries or eating dinner. It probably wasn’t that bad but my brain made it feel that way. However, that means I had 10.5 months of pretty decent mental health. If a work issue was the worst thing that happened to me this year, it must not have been that bad.

23. Figure out my finances.

Not really. I saved well, budgeted, but didn’t to the type of actual learning I was aiming for.

24. Fucking exercise.

No :(

25. Maintain my weight.

Yeah, I think so.

26. Be better than I currently am.

I…think so.

27. Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not. I had a really big(ish) decision this year and I was initially going to make a decision out of fear of risks. But part of my final thought process was that I think I’d be disappointed in myself that if when it all came down to the line, I decided not to make a potentially risky decision that was sitting in front of me. So even though the future is murky and unknown, I did take it. I also learned there are A LOT OF REASONS WHY NOT. I don’t like to describe anything I do as brave but a little part of me thought that by not doing the safe thing, I did the brave thing.

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And.. that’s it. Final score (including the half points): 21.5 out of 27… I’m very pleased :) Who knew this year would turn out like this?

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sightful-tangents · 6 years ago

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august 7, 2019

I dated someone for about a month and one of the things he asked me was if I made decisions with my heart or my head. I liked that question. It made me consider the big moves in my life (moving away for school, moving back for work) and while on the surface I think they were head decisions, I think in actuality they were gut-heart decisions. It would have been easy to stay put and figure things out, but uprooting my life was really what my heart wanted. That’s not to say I don’t make decisions with my head. In fact, I’d say the majority of my decisions are made that way, it makes me a little bit more cautious but it also keeps me in check.

There are times (often in dating) where I can feel the conflict. My heart wants one thing, my head wants the other. I’ve had more than enough dates not work out because my head likes them (yay they’re smart and nice and great on paper) but my heart just wasn’t in it (sigh. Lack of chemistry is so real). It’s not very often that my heart said yes but my head said no, and in a weird way, that was the most recent one. It definitely sucks more.

But with this way of framing it, I’m allowing myself to be a bit more choosey… I’m allowing myself the liberty to date around and wait for someone that both my head and heart can agree on. Wish me luck.

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sightful-tangents · 6 years ago

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june 25, 2019

Do you think life is a game? I do. In this moment, I kind of do.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a fair game. Far from it. But there are a few tricks that will likely move you forward (be kind, work hard), and some that will hold you back (be an asshole). There’s the privilege that will start you off on third base, and the invisible forces that will hold you back no matter how hard you try.

But it is, essentially, a game, don’t you think? And I think when I figured this out, and I got to see more and more of it, I kind of decided…that I wanted to play it. I wanted to try to figure this thing out. How can I succeed given the system? This sounds a little bad, but I don’t focus on overhauling the system, I kind of think about how I can work it to my advantage. And I know, this is a bit of an egregious thing to admit, but it’s true.

Like, I’m relentlessly nice at work. Nice, maybe not kind. I know that a good attitude and getting along with your colleagues will make not only the work environment easier, but also getting your own work done. I get it. So I will make small talk and ask about your kids and your vacation (I actually do care though!). I get the people who put their head down and do their shit and go home at the end of the day, but I talk to my coworkers and catch up and smile and I’m trying to make the best out of any situation. This isn’t exactly playing “the” game, but it is playing “a” game, despite what I think are truly honest intentions.

And I also get that I’m a woman and I’m young (at least, I’m young at my workplace) and sometimes that comes with assumptions. Sometimes this means people won’t yell at me when I do something wrong. Sometimes this means that people won’t take me seriously when I’m telling them their actions are not compliant with legislation. All in a day’s work. But it’s all a bit of a game and I do have my eye on the next level and I’m thinking about what I can take from this current level to get myself onto that next one. And the next one. And the next one.

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sightful-tangents · 6 years ago

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may 26, 2019

I’ve started trying to write down what’s going through my head a few times already, but I’m finding it exceedingly difficult to put into words. I actually don’t think it is the translation part, but rather the actual identification part. I don’t understand myself these days, and I don’t feel like I have a firm grasp on what’s going on in my head and it makes me feel ungrounded.

I hesitate to say something is ‘wrong’, but it’s just that I have this voice in my head berating myself telling me that I’m doing something wrong, and that I need to get my shit together. Getting my shit together is nothing new, and it’s not a foreign mantra, but I just feel like I shift into these moods of uneasiness and discomfort where my brain starts spinning and I feel like I’m spiralling (ahem, like right now) so I try desperately to pull myself out of it. I’ve always found taking the first steps of writing down how I’m feeling to be a bit helpful, so here I am.

I think I’m struggling with boundaries. People boundaries. I think that I’m approaching the relationships in my life in a manner that’s a bit reckless and unchecked. I’m sick of surface level conversations so I feel myself always diving deeper when chatting and then inevitably revealing something that makes me feel vulnerable or is a bit inappropriate for the moment. I crave connection and conversation, but I feel myself slip up a bit sometimes and say things that I wish I could take back. Sometimes I worry I get too personal because I frankly feel more of an open book these days and don’t care that people know my shit, but if I were to be a bit more self aware (fuck, am I not self aware??) I’d know that this may not be the ideal conversation topic. I think I don’t think before I speak and I defend myself with the notion that I want to be completely honest, but not every situation calls for ~deep talks~.

I’ve identified one of my flaws as that I overcorrect when I notice something bad about myself. I try very hard to fix my issues, and that means I’ll overshoot. And maybe this is the same about trying to build upon my themes and goals for this year, where I want to improve my relationships with people. I want to make closer friends and feel safer and have stronger relationships, but in that process, I think I might be… trying too hard? Or not approaching it in a way that’s good for my mental health? It’s important that I catch up with friends and spend quality time with them, but a few times I’ll feel just completely drained and want to sit on my couch and see nobody but then that leaves me alone with these thoughts…

On an unrelated note, I was listening to a self-help-ish podcast and the host said something very interesting about goals. She said that some people, often perfectionists, suck at setting clear goals. They’ll set a ton of goals and use that as a reason not to follow through. It is a fear of failure that holds them back, because failure means they weren’t ‘good enough’. However, the answer is that we need to be able to accept ourselves - right now - as Good Enough. We are good enough, and whether we complete or fail a goal does not make us less than good enough, it just helps us grow. Food for thought.

Another unrelated note, I find that I am completely contradictory in self-confidence and self-esteem. I’m both confident and insecure about my abilities, and I both value and not value my own self worth. I can see that the way I think of myself doesn’t really make sense, and that I could probably work on it, but oh that would be one heck of a big project.

Okay, signing off.

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sightful-tangents · 6 years ago

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march 20, 2019

My brain hates me because on the bad days, my brain is like “yeah just quit your job and go backpack across South America” and on the good days, my brain is like “yeah things are definitely too good right now, it’s about to get worse”. And like, having good things being ‘taken away’ (not to frame myself too much like a victim) has been pretty common in my life. I still remember a few years ago, I was flying high in the summer, and a month later my work had imploded and I’d taken a job across the country the next month. I remember dating a guy I ended up really liking but then he had to move across the country as well. The end of 2017 was lovely but then in early 2018 my aunt and grandma died.

Basically, this might also tie into my fear of commitment, because I feel like I’ve either been a self-fulfilling prophecy or perhaps it’s become ingrained in me that good things don’t last and we can’t trust the good times.

So while my brain has bad days when life feels miserable, the good days and the sunny days are always slightly plagued with suspicion. I was talking to my friend today about this, and about how I feel like the real me is young and dumb and has it too easy. Honestly, I feel like I don’t have any “real problems”. I’m healthy, I earn enough money, I live in a comfortable place, I have friends, family who love me.. my problems are around getting rid of drain flies in my house and figuring out which container of leftovers to eat. You know, dumb shit.

And like, I know that “all feelings are valid” but I can be objective here and just tell you that yeah, my problems are not problems. And the thing is, I don’t believe that life should be this… easy? There’s a part of me that feels like life should be a struggle, or you’re doing something wrong. You hold on to the good parts as you battle through the bad parts, and at the end of the day, you have moved a bit more against the current and it becomes a bit brighter and you get up to fight another day. It feels like I’m not fighting, which makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Am I just avoiding hard things? Does this mean I’m stagnating and not growing? I know I should savour the “good times” but the lack of responsibility and the amount of freedom in my life is great at 25, but there’s no way I’d want to feel the same way at 35. It feels like since I don’t have big problems, I’ve reverted back to feeling young and not grown up and naive. Like a kid again.

I think about the difference between how I present myself at work and who the more authentic me is. At work, I try and dress up a bit, I’m agreeable, polite, and really try at small talk. My work emails are littered with stupid corporate speak, and I try to come across as knowledgeable and professional, competent, and not an idiot (I try very hard at this and sometimes I fail). I think the real me is just… much more… young? Silly? I like to talk about my dumb problems, I’m very self-deprecating, talkative, and I think I just seem young and foolish. When I think about this dichotomy, I wonder how much my frustration about work is sometimes about not being able to feel like myself, of being exhausted of that 24/7 “game face”. In that effort to be a capable employee, I’ve given up the parts of me that wants to be silly and laugh and make mistakes. I dunno. I’m sure my brain will do a 180 soon and I’ll have more serious things to mope about.

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sightful-tangents · 7 years ago

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march 4, 2019

A bit of brain vomit for you.

I think I lost my work keys and a credit card, and that makes me feel super shitty. I mean, how irresponsible is that?? I’ve never been someone who “loses their keys” but my house and my office are both empty and bare enough that if those keys aren’t staring at my face, they’re probably lost. Fuck. I feel like an idiot and guilty to cause additional work for other people.

I went on vacation to Taiwan in February, but since coming back, my brain has been in A State. I know at the tail end of winter (at least for Vancouver), I’ve suffered through many sun-less months (actually, this winter wasn’t even that bad) but like the brain funk just creeps in slowly over time until maybe, like, May or June when things look up again. But, I have finished 2.5 Netflix shows in the past week and that’s not something I’ve done in YEARS. Nothing against it, but I no longer want to be someone who binges shows. I took the day off on Friday because my brain was just going “lol fuck you” and I sat on my couch and on my bed and watched hours while feeling like I should do something but yet doing nothing.

Speaking of which, work kind of sucks? I don’t know if it sucks? Or I just feel shitty about it? In addition to massively feeling like an imposter (since I started), the person I supervise is leaving this week and I know she’s paid to work with me but it feels like I’m losing my only friend in the office? Even though everyone is nice and friendly and have never done anything bad to me, it just doesn’t feel like we’re on the same level. And I’m worried that I’ll just feel more lonely and isolated as time goes on. I don’t know, it just feels like I have a lot of hang-ups about work, even though it’s done nothing but try and support me, and then I feel guilty about not “feeling” supported? Like maybe it is my fault for not accepting how “great” everything is? And like, yeah yeah, my feelings are valid but actions are what’s also important— why do we get so many mixed messages!!! It’s just this gut feeling that I can’t get rid of, and I want to. And then I can’t tell if I’m gas lighting myself or honestly I just need to shut the fuck up and stop moping. I need to put on that work gameface, goddammit. I just tell myself that I need to make it a year, then I can do a serious re-evaluation and jump ship if I want to. I just need to make it a year without internally imploding.

Oh, when I was in Taiwan I found out my dad had an affair when I was a baby and that influenced our move to Canada. I like to casually slip that tidbit into conversations. Jk my friends have been so lovely with helping me process that and in related news: men are trash and LOVE IS A LIE. Honestly it’s okay though. I still love my dad but damn, that’s some serious news.

I ended a friendship with one of my best friends this year as well? Intentionally? Like I was like “you are being a shitty friend I wish you would be a better one” and then he got very offended and we haven’t spoken since. I don’t think I regret it but it does make me think less of our friendship since he hasn’t made any effort since.

I’m having fun thinking of baby names with my friend and OH YEAH YOU HEARD RIGHT, BABY NAMES. I love her but omg am I finally in this stage of my life?

I don’t ever want to move from my sofa these days.

Ok bye hopefully my brain will be in a better place next time.

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sightful-tangents · 7 years ago

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new year’s resolutions 2019

Okay, we’re here. 2019 New Year Resolutions, baby, let’s do this. *puts on This Year by the Mountain Goats and contemplates goals for like the thirtieth time this year*

2019 Themes - I’ve done yearly themes for at least 3 years now, and these kind of just shape and frame my decision making throughout the year. Last year, the themes were “Travel” and “Investment”. For a while, I really thought that this year’s themes would be “travel” and “building relationships”. For a couple weeks, I thought “well, this is it. I’ve done personal growth centred themes for a while now, this is the year I really want to build better relationships!” But a few weeks in, I can already say that while it was an admirable thought, I don’t know if it’s the right one at the right time (at least, if it stands on its own).

And of course, the reason is my job. I find my job hard. Like, it may not be hard for others, and I feel silly if I state “my job is challenging” when really, I mean “to me, my job is challenging.” And the stress, fear, and insecurity that comes with it has really kind of fucked with my mental health as of late. And I know that because of this shift, I do need to be a bit more aware that I need to take care of myself and my brain (woo! Self-care!) before I can really turn outwards. Rushing myself to create and foster and grow relationships will be just so unbalanced if I can’t bring 80% of my self to the table. So. Yeah.

Themes, eh? 2019 will be “travel” and “put down roots”. Let me explain. Travel is obvious, but Put Down Roots is a combination of my earlier thought (building relationships), but it’s also kind of my personal way of making sure that my foundations are solid. My mental health is in check, and that I’ve got some sturdy roots psychologically, as well as letting them grow and intertwine with the city I live in physically, and the people I am around emotionally. And I need to work on that, and while it is kind of broad, I’m still going to prioritize these different aspects (i.e., I have no shame about putting my self first).

So, onto the resolutions. This year they’re categorized into: work, tangible, space, relationships, self.

THE BIG ONE

1. Put down roots. For so long, I felt like I was going to be going back to Toronto ASAP. I don’t really feel like this will be the case anymore (for a myriad of reasons, albeit I love the city so much and my best friends are still there). So that means that while I’ve always kind of had a mental barrier against putting down roots in Vancouver, this will be the year where I will try. As I mentioned above in the themes, this resolution is not specific. It’s three-pronged: a sturdy mental foundation, a sense of belonging in a place, and a feeling of belonging with people.

WORK

2. Don’t get fired. Honestly, I have a fear of being fired. Imposter syndrome is real, ya’ll, and this role really brings out the beast. I know intellectually that being fired is probably unlikely but my brain also always responds with, “IS IT THOUGH??”.

3. No major fuck-ups (that may lead to being fired and/or my supervisor seriously regretting his decision to hire me). Before I had a fear of fucking up in ANY way. Subtext in this goal is the fact that I DON’T want to be scared of fucking up. I want to be able to move forward, maybe mess up, and feel like my supervisor has my back and will let me fuck up and still let me work and grow and hopefully contribute good things. So, let’s not fuck over my organization, but let’s also recognize that in order to grow, I need to make mistakes, and I want to feel safe enough in my position to make that mistake and know it’s not going to lead to me getting fired (man, this is a lot to ask).

4. Get a professional certification. I will! I promise!

5. Learn to be a better supervisor. I only ‘supervise’ one person, and boy, it’s a bit of a learning experience. I mean, I want to be her friend (maybe that’s the problem here lol), but I also recognize I have to monitor her work (some of which I am not exactly 100% satisfied with), and also teach her a lot, and all this other stuff. I don’t think I’m that good at it, but I really do want to try and be better. Let her learn and grown and be available to answer questions and support her etc. Sigh.

6. Be okay with being uncomfortable at work. Ha. Lean into discomfort, right? I recognize it’ll take a while to feel settled (or, will I EVER feel settled?), but I don’t want to let it get to me. I am making a rule for myself: I can wallow over mistakes or bad events for one day. Then I need to move the fuck on because I have other shit to think about. Do not prolong that suffering! Also, I guess this resolution ties into being uncomfortable around the responsibilities I have, and while I will never feel 100% like I am “doing the right thing”, I can try and lessen my anxiety around it.

TANGIBLE-(ish) 7. Be smart with money. I know, I know, one of my fears is being fired so I want to save as much money as I can before I get fired and inevitably get a job where I earn less. But again, this isn’t about saving a specific dollar amount. I think it is generally about not letting lifestyle inflation become too severe, don’t buy shit I don’t need, and prioritize spending in a way that is aligned with my values. In this case, travel and experiences (of which, I am allowing food/eating out to count).

8. Read 35 books. A yearly target, that seems harder and harder to reach as each year my attention span seems to wane a little bit more.

9. Cook at least 2 times a week. An adulting goal that I want to accomplish. Sigh. Why is cooking so hard?

10. Get an IUD. Honestly, I’m not in a relationship or dating right now, but why not right. I don’t want a baby in the next 5 years, and my friends have gotten them and I’m like, sure, that sounds like a good thing to put on a to-do list lol.

11. Volunteer. I volunteered for two events last year, and this year I want to do at least one (or maybe two?) more, on top of those. Those were fun and rewarding experiences (maybe just because volunteers get free vouchers to see movies and shows and this girl loves free shit) but yeah, definitely one of those things I’m super glad I did.

12. Continue playing piano for fun. Again, one of my best decisions last year. I really really love it, it’s great for my brain to calm down and be distracted, and I might even get a full sized keyboard with 88 keys instead of 72 sometime in the future. I love that there’s no pressure and it feels like something I do just for myself.

13. Learn and keep a new hobby. What is this, 2017? I’m taking pottery classes with an old colleague, and I am also thinking of learning to knit? Hm.

SPACE

14. Travel. My travel goals this year are: Taiwan, the Rockies (Banff and Jasper), and either South America, Turkey, or Eastern Europe. Also, maybe Toronto over the holidays. And I am very very very tentatively thinking about going to New Zealand in 2020, so let’s cross our fingers. I have 2 weeks of vacation left that I haven’t decided what to do with. This is also the year where I’m traveling more with friends, and in the past I completely balked at the idea (yay solo travel!) but I might be ready for a change.

15. Settle into my living space. For the first time in my life, I don’t have roommates! I have a couch and dressers and a dining table, and hoo boy, let me tell you, furniture and decor is NOT my thing. It stresses me out and I straight-up withdraw and try not to deal with it. Bless my mother and her infinite patience (and perhaps pity) with me and helping me sort out my living situation. She helped me move twice last year, and helped me basically pick out all my furniture (second hand!). I’m so grateful, but I also recognize that I just need to suck it up and buy some fucking dining chairs ffs. Also, I’m trying to make this place feel more and more like home. I’m not exactly sure how, but maybe just letting myself laze around on a Sunday afternoon is enough.

16. Settle into my city. I spent this weekend walking up and down the main “streets” in my neighbourhood, making a mental note of all the restaurants and bars and grocery stores I’d like to stop by. I want to familiarize myself with this area a lot more. Be able to give other people recommendations when they visit.

RELATIONSHIPS

17. Make 2 new friends. YAS FRANSSS.

18. Date people! When life got really busy last year, I put this on hold and said “it’s a 2019 problem”. Guess what, it’s 2019, maybe I should go see how my standards have changed… Also, I really want to go out with people I don’t meet on dating apps? I think the reason I like dating apps is that everyone is on the same page regarding “this is a date”, whereas people I sometimes go out with IRL is like “are we doing a friend hang-out or is this a date” (of which, I think the former as to not humiliate myself by assuming the latter).

19. See my mom at least once or twice a month. We live pretty close and I try and say that I’ll spend long weekends with her and my stepdad, but I do need to prioritize this more, I think. It’s so nice to hang out with them, but sometimes I am busy trying to fill up my social calendar that my weekends just become unavailable.

20. Be a better friend (support & generosity). In part of my “turning outwards” theme, I want to be a better friend. Reaching out more, being emotionally available, being generous with my time, asking them thoughtful questions, trying to understand them better and also trying to make sure they feel understood. I recognize they’ll be my support system and I don’t want to let them down.

SELF

21. INTENTIONALITY. This is a big one. It was almost a theme. It was almost my goal #1. I want to be intentional with my actions AND my thoughts. Intentional with the way I act towards my friends, being generous, spending time, setting up hang-outs. I want to also be intentional with the way I consume media (sigh, useless youtube in the background), the fact that I haven’t really listened to podcasts in a while, I’m trying to catch up more on news but sometimes it hurts my heart to read so much negative stuff about the world. I want to READ MORE BOOKS even thought it seems so hard sometimes? Lastly, I want to be intentional with my thoughts. This is obviously hard, but I want to train myself to not ruminate, to let go of anxiety and stress when I can, to care about the opinions only from people that matter, and to be more generous and kind and believe in the best in people.

22. Keep my mental health in check (and prioritize it). With this new job, I feel a lot more anxious and stressed, and I don’t like it. I loved that my previous job meant my brain stopped caring about work at 4pm, but I don’t really have that luxury (yet?) and the anxiety get to me and I think feeds bouts of depression. I want to make sure that I am aware of these effects, I forgive myself for feeling like shit about myself, and that I take actions to either deal or distract me - this usually means seeing friends and being social and not wallowing.

23. Figure out my finances. This resolution should really be further up the list. I don’t know what I am doing with my money, and I need to dedicate time and effort to LEARN IT. Financial literacy is SO IMPORTANT do not let other people tell you otherwise!! Don’t let the system get you, is what I’m saying.

24. Fucking exercise. My friends and I are taking a trip to the Rockies this year (so excited!!) but we have planned a lot of hikes and I’d really prefer not to be the one huffing and puffing the entire time. Also, I really am curious as to the effect exercise might have on my mental health.

25. Maintain my weight. This is a bit health related. Last year, I gained like 10 pounds when I started the office job, and then I lost it towards the end of the year. I just feel much more comfortable with my body at this weight. That said, I recognize that it’s a simple diet + exercise combination, and with my lack of exercise, this just means I watch what I eat. Calories in, calories out. It’s not hard and I should not eat that much cake, okay.

26. Be better than I currently am. WIP, mates.

27. Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not. Always.

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And… that’s it. As we try and find our way through this year, let me remind myself when I step into work: game face on. Or, as Susie would say to Midge Maisel: tits up.

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sightful-tangents · 7 years ago

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January 2, 2019

I don’t have a long preamble this time around, but here is a look back on my 2018 resolutions. If I counted correctly, I achieve approximately 19 of 28. Not too bad.

1. Achieving a balance (not an equal split, mind you) of Work, Leisure, and Life. While this was #1, I’m wondering if I did this. If I'm being 100% honest with myself, I don’t think so. The balance was... okay. I’m working on it. The good news is that I’m not feeling *too* overwhelmed these day so I must be doing okay for balance!

WORK:

2. No Fuck-Ups. My probation lasts a year so it ends in mid-October. I’d obviously like to not fuck up in that time.

I finished my probation without any major fuck-ups, but then I switched jobs so the cycle is resetting…

3. Do the work. Yeah, I guess. I think these work-related goals feel less… substantive since I no longer work at the same place I did at the beginning of the year. But I did the work (most of the time, hey).

4. Learn and collaborate I definitely learned, although it was very self-directed. I was okay with collaboration, but definitely space to improve I think?

5. Take more responsibility on a project (“Leadership”) Not really, I wasn’t really given the chance and I never really sought it. Hilarious, considering my current title now though.

6. Do well at my job. Yeah, I guess. When I left my manager was sad and said I did well. Does that count?

LEISURE

7. Make travel a priority. Yes! This is one that I definitely think I fulfilled (see #8)

8. Travel goals Toronto, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Dublin, Copenhagen (my friend is getting married!), Istanbul(!!!), Rocky Mountains. In 2018, I went to: San Francisco, Tofino, Ireland, Copenhagen, Istanbul, Lisbon, and Toronto (twice!).

9. Read 35 books. Nope, I only read 17.

10. Consume media with deliberation. Yes and No. Yes, because I think I volunteered at a few festivals and had the chance to watch shows and movies that I usually wouldn’t. No, because I spent too much time on Youtube still.

LIFE/SELF (tangible)

11. Make 5K from side-hustles. No. (And I don’t think a raise counts)

12. Be on track to hit my savings goal. Surprisingly, I reached my savings goal ahead of time due to coming into a bit of money through inheritance. I’ll need a new one.

13. Cook at least 2 times a week. I didn’t do it twice a week, but I tried!! Ugh, I really suck at adulating.

14. Complete a professional certification. Unfortunately not, but it’s only must-do for 2019.

15. 4 times a month, don’t spend any money. I’m going to tentatively say… yes? I don’t have hard proof but I think I did manage it.

16. Only buy clothes I love. I bought a bunch of clothes last year that I only liked :)

17. Go to the doctor, dentist, and eye doctor. Dentist and eye doctor, check. Nah for doctor.

18. Be a better conversationalist. I think I did this, and I’m trying to (again) improve this year. In a weird way, I quit a friendship last year because I realized that in conversation, I was the one who kept everything going (asking follow up questions, etc) and then I realized that my friend knew nothing about me (since I always asked the questions) and I was really annoyed and thus quit. Now it’s 2019, it’s time to fix that friendship…

19. Make 2 new friends. Yay I did this! Going to reiterate though: making friends as adults is so hard!

20. Fucking Exercise. Sigh. I didn’t.

21. Take more photos. I don’t think so… I did get a new phone though! So my picture quality is excellent.

22. Date people who you actually want to date for more than a few weeks/months. No. I went on dates with three people and they were all kind of boring. Then life got busy and stressful and dating was no longer on my mind…

23. Don’t think like that girl in Cat Person I dunno. I find men much less attractive these days, they need to get their shit together! My standards are going up!

LIFE/SELF (intangible)

24. Foster curiosity and keep learning. I started playing piano again last year and it was the best decision I made all year. I’m so so so glad I did it.

25. Support and Generosity. I think I did this, but I also think I can be better. I think I’m better at talking with friends (conversations, etc) but I don’t know about literal gestures of support and generosity.

26. Be excited about life. It’s a bit of a wild ride, isn’t it? I was a bit depressed the beginning of 2018 because of all the deaths in the family. The middle bit was exciting since I did a bunch of travel. The end was full of stress and anxiety as I began a new job. But overall.. yeah, life is looking good.

And, because these will be on my list every year: 27. Be better that I currently am. I think so.

28. Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not. I did. Because why not.

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sightful-tangents · 7 years ago

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november 28, 2018

I’m a week and a half into my new job, and I just feel like I haven’t been able to give myself time to breathe for maybe the past month and a half. I know, not just subconsciously but consciously, that I should be happy and proud of myself. But I’ve probably given myself half a second to feel elated, before screeching to a full stop, putting the gears in reverse, and speeding down the lane of anxiety.

I’m so goddamn worried. I don’t want to specifically call it anxiety, because I don’t feel like I have the physiological symptoms I usually associate with my own anxiety, but I just feel like my brain can’t stop. I’m constantly thinking about work and how I need to act and what I need to do and say. How others are perceiving me and the image I am presenting. How I need to relate to people, how I need to demonstrate that I deserve to be there. I’m definitely polishing that chip on my shoulder, folks. More than a few people have asked if I’m the new receptionist, so that’s been fun.

Anyways, I’ve already acknowledged that it’s a sprint until December 21. That’s when we get like, 10 days off for the holidays, and I know that I just need to work as hard (but what if my best isn’t good enough??!) as I freaking can until then, and then I can take a break. Take that breather. What even is a breather? The last month at my previous job was also a bit of a sprint, trying to wrap everything up. And I have no idea how I’m doing at this new gig, and I’m worried all the time and yeah. I can’t seem to take the time to step back and be happy for myself.

Which isn’t to say I’m not grateful. I’m endlessly grateful and appreciative of the opportunities that have been presented, and I’m enormously thankful for the lucky position I find myself in. But like, new jobs are hard and new responsibilities are fucking daunting and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I don’t think anyone else does either. YEARGHH.

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sightful-tangents · 7 years ago

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october 25, 2018

About a week ago, I celebrated my 1 year anniversary at my work, and also being off probation. I celebrated by feeling guilty about handing over references for a new job.

It’s been a weird few weeks, but the ending is here, and a chapter is closing. I signed the offer letter for a job that I am intimidated by, feeling underqualified for, am excited about, and am also just downright clueless as to what it will be like. The job title includes exactly 0 words related to my current experience, and to be quite honest, I don’t really know what the job entails because they offered it to me after turning me down for the role I had originally interviewed for.

Like I said, it’s been weird.

But I took the leap. It wasn’t a deep breath followed by a small smile and my signature on a line. It was a lot of panicked phone calls to friends, advice seeking from mentors, internal and external freak-outs. I’ve now cried twice at work (don’t worry, just little tears). Once when I saw the offer letter. The other when I spoke to my old boss and told him of all the things I was worried about and he reassured and counselled me in a way that made me realize just how well he knew me.

But I signed on that line and I drew up the courage and told my boss (oh my god, I am still wracked with guilt about leaving her with a bunch of work). And now I have about 3 weeks till the new gig and h o l y s h i t I really really really did not see this coming.

In fact, what I did see coming at the end of August was a bit of depression and then followed by a Christmas vacation back to Taiwan. I’m starting to know myself well enough that I know if I don’t really have that much going on and work is boring and my life is boring I spiral a bit and get kind of depressed. I was expecting that and was somewhat in the throes of PMS-driven depression when this whirlwind took off. My plans of being boring and sad for the rest of 2018 (I did have a few plans for 2019) were completely upended.

So, honestly, I’m going to be stressed out for the next year, I promise you. This is going to be such a challenge for me. I am going to have more responsibility that I had ever had before. I am going to have to MOVE again, omg, have I talked about how much I hate moving?

And it feels especially unfair because it is becoming a serious trend in my life that as soon as I either a) start getting comfortable with something or b) start really liking something, something big changes so that it gets taken away. I was actually really starting to love the area I was living in!! Sigh.

Anyways, I digress. Life is so freaking unpredictable, and I have been thinking for a while about how much I resist leaning into discomfort, and oh boy, I feel like I am up to my neck here. What the F did I do??!!

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sightful-tangents · 7 years ago

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september 4, 2018

I’m PMS-ing right now because I just shed tears over a tv show trailer (my brilliant friend on HBO) but I’ve been seeing the tweet floating around along the lines of ‘list the 5 movies/books/tv shows that define who you are as a person’.

Oh boy, I did not even know where to begin on that one. But it did get me thinking as to what type of stories I’m drawn to. This is the same because as I was watching Ozark, I think beyond Julia Garner’s excellent acting as Ruth Langmore, I was just extremely drawn to her story. This also ties back to something I wrote ages ago, about the types of novels I read that resonate at what age. I am a full believer that books and movies and TV shows find you at a certain age at a certain point in time, and if the timing is just so, they have the power to change your life. Some of the best books in the world would have a missed effect on me if I found them at the wrong time of my life.

So, here is a non-definitive list of the stories, both real and made up, that I love these days.

1. Tough, broken, secretly hopeful girls with daddy issues (a la Ruth in Ozark). 2. Young girls crossing the threshold from naivety to the patriarchal, unjust world dominated by men living in the past (a la My Brilliant Friend). 3. Women who have left home to pursue daring futures returning to make a stand in their homeland (a la #hometovote in Ireland) 4. Men who are desperate to be emotional but more desperate not to be. 5. A good ol’ fashioned heist. Because always. 6. The decades-old effects of not having a common history. Of not having family.

Looking at this list, I can suss out a few running themes. When I was younger, I was drawn to books about self-discovery, about older protagonists, about what I thought were “real life” issues (think dark contemporary YA books from 2015). The angsty pain of a teen a few years older than myself, where my own inner conflicts could be realized more tangibly on a page.

But now, the themes I find interesting are on more of a macro scale. The pressures and pitfalls of society and its influence on girls and women of all ages. While I am perhaps projecting subconscious pressures, I am also very consciously aware that there are many things in this world that are scary and cruel and unfair. The world is made of intersections of systemic sexism and racism and while it sounds very ‘shouty’ to describe it so, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to think and be critical about things I take for granted around me. There’s the helplessness that rings true that you want to look away from. And I do. I do look away, because it hurts, but I also need to remind myself that these problems are real for some and if I am not helping, at least I can not plead ignorance.

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