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9-5-18

I want you to look at me with admiration. 

I want you to lock eyes with me.

I want you to desire my lips.

I want you to hold my hand

grab my waist, hold me tight, feel my hear beat, inhale my smell, love the freckles on my face, think of me as the last woman you want.

All you want is a fun time. 

My heart aches but I’ll smile and call you a friend. 

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I’m Hurting You, I’m Sorry.

We were screaming for what seemed like a century. We would be out and suppose to be having the time of our lives but instead I was crying and swearing at you and wondering when I should leave you. You cried and swore at me and begged me to stop. I’ve been trying. I’m tired. I’ve talked to you so many times. I have no empathy, that’s my fault. I’m hurting you, I’m sorry. I can’t leave you because I'm too selfish to be alone. 

Instead I started talking to him. I threw my baggage to him, came to him when you would be yelling at me. I made you sound like a demon. He touched me and said I deserved better. He complimented my smile and my thighs and made me feel worth so much. He offered to drive me in his car that you didn't have. He grabbed my thigh and said I turned him on, something I haven’t heard in what felt like years. 

He said he couldn't be with me and you said you couldn't stand me. I was so alone and felt like I was melting everyday. He said he was too old for me and you didn't seem old enough. I begged him for a little more. He told me you were special. I didn’t want to believe him.

So now, here I am, I’m hurting you, I’m sorry. You’re at work and I’m at his house. You’re working for our future and I’m being fucked by someone who's nothing but a friend. He never kisses me and all you want are soft kisses. You and I haven't spoken in about a week so I’m begging him to pick me up. 

I love you so much. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you. But I’m hurting you, I’m sorry but I probably won't ever tell you. You won’t ever know. 

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When it Comes Back.

I wrote a whole paragraph, deleted it, then just decided you can probably tell by the title. 

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dumb poems I wrote late at night- Drowning- 4-20-18

He called me the devil and I kissed him as it were life or death. 

He said goodbye to me and I hugged him hello as if I had not seen my dear friend in years.

He cried, “this is the end,” and I kissed his neck and lingered him back in.

He said “we can’t do this anymore,” and I grabbed his hand and showed him what he would miss.

I called him the devil and he kissed me as if sexual awakening.

I said goodbye and he looked at me with those eyes, those eyes that showed his hidden kind side.

I cried “this is the end,” and his hands held my waist.

I said, “we can't do this anymore,” and I let him tug my hair once more.

Now we both cry and scream and kiss it away.

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4-20-18 1:45am

I wish I didn't feel unloved. I wish I had the attention I crave from the people I crave. Friends, lovers, family. I wish he would see how much I’m worth, I wish she would care as much as I do, I wish he would text me in the morning and bot late at night when he gets lonely, I wish she would ask me what’s wrong. The list goes on from people who feel that they are doing enough. Maybe they are. Maybe I overcomplicate. Maybe I overthink. Do I have anxiety? Will I ever tell my doctor. For what. 

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dumb poems I wrote late at night. - The Stub- Silentbubble- 4-4-18

The little stub cried every night for more sun. She cried and cried hoping someone would hear her ache for some sun in these really rainy days. She felt hopeless and selfish for her need of the sun but she was drowning. Did people forget about her? Was she that unimportant in the garden? She just wanted some damn sun. And they let her drown in silence. 

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4-4-18

I was off for awhile simply because things were good and I no longer consistently felt like I had nobody to talk to. But I’m back and I might write to you as if you were truly here and interested and had no opinion.

I think this depression comes from my birth control so I'm switching it asap. 

Hispanic parents don’t see anything nor really understand.

My hispanic dad told me when I was in middle school and listening to music with swear words “for the first time” that in high school he got depressed because of the music he listened to. I am assuming it was Pink Floyd but I'm not 100% sure. Anyways, now I’m the same age as he was and he doesn’t seem to care. He either lets me cry and drink in my room or yell at me for sleeping and being lazy. 

I told my mom I was depressed nonchalantly and she didn’t react other than saying “why?’ and I responded “I don't know...”. Conversation done.

My boyfriend tells me to get help. That’s it. I wish I felt more compassion. I feel more compassion from people who don’t even really know me.

My boyfriends my best friend in the entire world since 2010. Lately though, I have felt a shift. I love him so much but I also want to kiss someone else. But I want to be in his arms every night. But also hold hands with someone else. 

My friends live completely different lives than I do and don’t see how I'm hurting. They probably would just judge me. 

It’s back and I’m scared because last time was so bad- the worst it’s ever been...

I’m graduating so soon and have a lot going on this summer and then in August I’m suppose to move out. By my choice but I’m terrified. 

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2-19-18

Finally out of that deppresion. I did have a ton of tears held back from the 14th though that finally came out in gym class when a boy accidentally bumped me. When will gun control happen?

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2-6-18

This weekend was rough but I think I am feeling better again. Also, got my tattoo yesterday with my two best friends by my side. 

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2-2-18

I again felt upset because of my boyfriend, went for a consultation about my future tattoo, went shopping with friends for hours, got home, was very optimistic about keeping the good vibes going, felt very depressed 5 minutes after getting home. I really thought it was going away. Probably the longest “bad days” I’ve every had.

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2-1-18

Finally feel better today. Ran four miles at the YMCA. I worked hard on being more confident when I spoke to people. Finally feel better today.

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Drake needs me. 2-1-18

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1-31-18

Today was much worst. 

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1-30-18

Some days I just tell people I’m sick when I’m depressed at school. It feels awful to lie to my friends but they don’t understand.