silentsobserver-blog

[silentsobserver-blog]

Societal Norm

I feel like everything I say is just me saying the pre-designated societal norm so I (a) don’t waste people’s time or (b) worry them... I end up hardly ever saying what I mean because I get so friggin stuck telling people what they want to hear. This cycle hurts.

[silentsobserver-blog]

I feel like a glass castle with a furnace in the basement.

They know me but a darkness and fire burns beneath... it scorches the surrounding surface searching for more air to consume, and like a match to fuel, it ignites with a fury when it is released.

[silentsobserver-blog]

—

Every day I feel an increasing weight...

Flashes of desires to hurt myself burn in the back of my mind...

I��m scared.

Scared of the thoughts that plague my mind.

I would never...

Because my personal fears and rules hold me back.

But the thoughts scare me.

And the thought...

no, the fear...

That one day it will not just be thoughts...

scare the hell out of me more.

[silentsobserver-blog]

I am a fully functional working adult but when you look at my personal mental health it’s far from my public reality....

[silentsobserver-blog]

Stardew Mayhem

This was such an ordeal 😂

Me Playing Stardew: goes to give Sam a JoJa cola gift as he leaves his house, Kent walks out as I try give the cola to Sam and hates it (loses friendship), tries to talk to Sam but accidentally digs through trash, Sam and Kent are now disgusted (loses friendship), got another JoJa from trash (feeling lucky, like I can at least salvage my relationship with Sam), goes to give Sam new cola, game “You’ve already given Sam 2 gifts this week” 🤦🏻‍♀️😭

[silentsobserver-blog]

Back to 0

Reading my Tumblr back hurts, makes me feel naivë, brave and sad.

2019: I am...

DemiRomantic and Pansexual

Single AF. I have never dated, had sex, or fallen in love.

Agnostic

ISFJ-T

A cat mom to Gabby

More liberal because the Orange fucker sucks ass but parties shouldn’t exist anyways

A climate change believer and advocate

[silentsobserver-blog]

I am an iceberg,

You’ll only see 10% of me.

I’ve never let anyone see below my surface,

Darker, black ice never excites anyone.

I am an iceberg,

Sinking in a melting pool of my own existence.

As global warming changes the climate around me,

I too am liquefying into the state I feel.

Alone.

I am an iceberg but if no one helps me soon,

I’ll be nothing.

@insomniac-with-a-juice-pouch

(Presley Jett Novak)

[silentsobserver-blog]

To all the friends I had before,

I am sorry for the person I have become.

Honestly, most of the time I don’t even recognize myself and that scares the fucking shit out of me. I look in the mirror and question if the person that is looking back is me or not. I find messages and notes from others to me and remember that they once stood true but now... am I even a shadow of that person.

Most of the time I feel like my emotions are numb with small glimmers of them occasionally reflected to the outside world. It’s hard to tell what is a mask and what is me. I feel blunted and uncaring. I do not wish to be this way.

Other times tears silently roll down my face and I cry tears that I do not know the origin of. These tears shake me... I cry in misery, fear, confusion. The tears are far from soothing since they are origin-less. When my brain racks itself for a reason I find myself trapped in a bottomless pit filling itself with self-loathing and self-hate. Drowning. Drowning in tears and myself.

These words are hard to vocalize. But I wish someone would notice and ask. So I crumble in relief and not under the weight of my head and heart. Honestly this “Tumblr diary” relieves the pain temporarily but sometimes I know that I hope someone finds it and tells me if I’m normal or crazy.

[silentsobserver-blog]

Self inflicted pain

Hella depressed, perpetually anxious and it’s hard to tell anyone cares.

Day in and day out same routine of hurtful, anxiety-inducing, depressed self-inflicted pain.

People see me and I know they know the signs but can they just not see it in me... do they turn a blind eye? Or am I to good at hiding my feelings from those that care most for me.

Or do they know that I also know the symptoms and will get help on my own?

But I guess that means they haven’t realized how weak I am... because when I look at the me I am right now I want to scream for someone to notice me drowning in my self-hate that unceasingly nags at me.

[silentsobserver-blog]

The un-nameable act

Anyone else feel like they have to do something (like act or motion in a certain way) or feel like you aren’t like everyone else...

Like I’ll be alone in my car listening to music and I’ll see a pedestrian and feel like I have to throw an arm out to “dance” and sing even though I’m not sure that’s what I wanted to do...

[silentsobserver-blog]

I forget that being skeptical of (basically) everything all the time isn’t everyone’s lived experience.

[silentsobserver-blog]

Search Bar

On numerous occasions I have searched for why I feel so emotionally numb and on numerous occasions I have closed the numerous browsers I have found in my search to just resign myself that I am a heteronormative (“normal”) person... but if I do this time and time again, asking the goddamn internet why I don’t FEEL like everyone else why can’t I convince myself to seek mental help.

I have on many occasions seen help but time and time again the issue has persisted making me wonder “Am I somehow doing this wrong?” Which I don’t think is how therapy is supposed to go, and I should know since I got my degree in psychology. I’ve also wondered if my knowledge in psychology has helped me learn to cope and temporarily alleviate the symptoms but IF that is the case am I better off now or need a new kind of treatment?

If someone finds my blog with all these ramblings (and reads them) thank you for reading bits and pieces of my story.

[silentsobserver-blog]

Who was I when I was a kid?

(Side note letters and words are weird when you look at them and ignore the word and only see the lettered 👀)

[silentsobserver-blog]

Just a psychology major...

Emotionally numb but unimpaired... I have the symptoms but not the side effects. Do I consider this way of life living and bear with it or see if someone can help again...

[silentsobserver-blog]

Everlasting...

Why don’t we plant a tree for everyone who passes away? Solar panel?

By planting a tree for every person we could help ensure a good future for all rather then ensure the good for those of us living now. They would be great memeorials, come in different types to better represent the person, and are sustainable.

Just a thought.

[silentsobserver-blog]

I hate that I say LOL out loud when I talk but I’m not exactly the laughing type so I’m glad it helps me get the point across at least.

[silentsobserver-blog]

Honestly, when ever something random pops into my head I usually assume someone else is really into something else.

E.g. It’s like I’m sitting in the driver seat and someone is in the back seat scream/singing My Girl making me hum it in class when I thought of nothing related to it at all.