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Tim: I... have feelings for you. Stephanie: I have feelings for you too. Narrator: The feeling was friendship, but neither had ever experienced it.

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3 apples tall 🍎

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conversations overheard on the batkid com lines pt 10

Bruce: Robin, Red Robin. ETA on the meeting spot, Red Hood and i are waiting.

Damian: on our way, father.

Tim: yeah we’re like just round the corner- *scuffling noises* *a grunt*-can you fucking cut it out-!

Damian: you are in my way!

Bruce: *sigh* boys…

Tim: no! no, B, you have to tell him to stop shoving into me, you can’t just- Damian knock it off-

Bruce: NO NAMES IN THE MASK!

Jason, slightly muffled: oh for fucks sake-

Bruce: both of you, get here now. clearly we need to have another discussion about the importance of keeping names private.

Damian: i didn’t even do anything, it was Drake that-

-silence-

Damian, solomly: we shall be there soon, father.

-a few minutes later-

Bruce: -not to mention how irresponsible it is to not be paying attention! i know i taught you both better than that.

Jason: *scoffs*

Damian: you didn’t even teach me, Nightwing did.

Tim: *low ‘ooing’ noise* B you gotta spank him, you gonna let him talk back like that?

Damian: shut up, Red Robin.

Bruce: and do you understand how disappointed Nightwing would be with you tonight, Robin? because he sure as hell wouldn’t exactly be proud.

-silence-

Tim, softly: well shit

Jason, incredulous: ok no hold on, usually i let you parent however you want because frankly it’s not my fucking problem, but i actually grew up with Dick and you and i both know he doesn’t give a shit about the no-name rule,

Bruce, instantly: Red Hood go away.

Jason: -one time i accidentally called Batgirl ‘Barb’ during a mission and B made us stay behind so he could give me a chewing out about it, and like half way through the lecture an uber eats driver pulled up and said ‘order for Dick Grayson?’ and Nightwing fucking- sauntered over and took the food without blinking.

Bruce: that’s irrelevant to-

Jason: there was a night i refused to listen to him as Robin when we were patrolling together so he told me that for every act of disobedience he would give one letter of my name up to the police. i fucked up three times and he told an officer my name started with ‘J-A-Y’ and then when i started laughing at him for not knowing how to spell my name he got embarrassed and yelled in front of the officer ‘WELL I GREW UP IN A CIRCUS, SPELLING WASN’T A HIGH PRIORITY!’

Tim: he didn’t know how to spell Jason?

Jason: another time he-

*ping*

Dick: hey sorry to interrupt patrol- Jason unmute your phone, you aren’t answering your texts.

Bruce, weakly: we are in mask, Nightwing. no names.

Dick, unbothered: shut up B- Jason, seriously, i sent you a video of these pigeons i found fighting mid-air you gotta look at it.

Tim: *snickering*

Dick: why is he laughing. Tim why are you laughing.

Damian: Grayson, would you be disappointed if I accidentally forgot about the no-names-in-masks rule?

Dick: *confused* what? no?

Tim: do you know how to spell our names, Nightwing?

Dick: what are you-

*very muffled bird squawks, flapping of wings*

Jason: oh holy shit this video is kinda cool actually

Dick: RIGHT?!

Tim: woah wait let me see-

Damian: tilt the screen forward Todd, theres a glare.

Dick: you guys gotta come to Bludhaven, the pigeon action is off the charts.

Bruce: *forlorn* my mission used to be a solitary one. i used to work alone.

Damian: at least if you worked alone then nobody would ever have a reason to use your name?

Tim: *cackle*

Jason: i bet you guys i could catch a pigeon. like with my bare hands

Dick: we could do pokemon fights-

Bruce: ok patrol over. everyone go home. this is pointless.

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"It's a dog!"

"Yeah, he's not even a very good one. But he's out there alone, and probably scared."

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"Give me your Batman brain."

Bruce, who has been tracking criminals at the batcomputer for hours, stares at Dick. "What?"

Dick, only about twelve years old, is looking up at Bruce with ominous sincerity. He makes grabby hands. "Give me. Your Batman brain. Give it."

Bruce raises a brow, but figures this must be a strange thing children do. Perhaps Dick has brain damage from training, who knows. He hesitantly mimes grabbing his brain from the top of his head and putting it in Dick's hand. Dick sets the pretend-brain off to the side, placing a pretend-glass case over it for later.

Dick seems satisfied. "Okay. I threw a block of legos at my classmate Tarence. He was giving our teacher a panic attack and had to be dealt with."

Bruce raises a brow and opens his mouth to speak, but Dick cuts him off. "Wait wait wait, your Batman brain is over there. Now you only have Dad brain. Gimme Dad."

Bruce, unfortunately, cannot argue with that logic, so he pats Dick's head and asks for a step-by-step reenactment of the event so he knows how to best defend his son at the meeting with the principal.

As with many things Dick randomly invented as a child, the metaphorical exchange of brains stays in the family forever. Bruce will often catch Damian being grumpy and go, "Hey, give me your Robin brain. You've been using it for too long, it's getting overcooked." And Damian, relunctantly, will suction cup his head with his fingers and deposit his Robin brain in Bruce's hands, who will hold it very carefully while Damian, using only his 10-year-old Damian brain, grabs his largest stuffed-animal and squeezes it to self-soothe.

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i think the batmobile is a five seater car, which on PAPER is completely fine. Bruce + Dick + Jason + Damian + Tim = a car that is filled to its expectancy. the issue comes with taking it off paper and into reality, where having them all squashed into the car + bulky gear and capes and helmets and SOME members of the family that are entirely too muscled for normal life (cough cough mr ‘i am justice’ and his estranged son sir ‘steroid me with green juice motherfuckers’), it starts to become ridiculous.

it gets to the point where driving anywhere as a full bat-brigade is a nightmare for all involved. first theres the consistently horrific and violent argument about who gets the front passenger seat, usually won by Dick because ‘i’m the eldest’ or Jason because ‘i have a gun, try and take it from me’. then theres the actual drive, filled with irritated back and forth from the three squashed together in the back, (‘stop shoving into me’ ‘there is literally no space, shut the fuck up’/ ‘stop- BRUCE HE’S LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW AGAIN’ ‘ITS A FUCKING WINDOW’/ ‘can you turn down your music you’re literally right next to me i can hear it through the headphones’ ‘the engine is too loud i cant hear when i turn it down-!’) Damian constantly being told as the littlest that he has to sit in the middle and making it EVERYBODY ELSES problem, whoever is in the front taking advantage of the radio to put on music that pisses everybody else off, Bruce getting a migraine before they even get to wherever they’re trying to go, and that one time Dick got the front seat and was so insufferably smug about it that Jason leant forward and pushed the ‘eject seat’ button while they were halfway across a bridge over Gotham harbour.

so on occasions where they have to travel for vigilante jobs and need all hands on deck, they’ve learnt to just take two cars. the problem with THAT then becomes the division between the cars.

when deciding to take two cars, the first to volunteer himself away from the family is, predictably, Jason. it usually takes them like twenty minutes to convince him to officially join their little batsquad anyway, so it makes sense that he fucks off first. immediately after this, Bruce tells the other three to get into the batmobile with him only for Damian to suddenly pipe up.

“If we are to split into two convoys then it would be more beneficial for the amount of passengers to be of similar sizes. I shall travel with Red Hood.”

which. in of itself is unexpected. first that Damian didn’t demand that he be allowed to drive, and second that he willingly leave to spend alone time with Jason of all people. baffled but not willing to look a gift horse in the mouth, Bruce accepts this quickly and they leave. Tim and Dick don’t realise why Damian was so quick to jump cars until they arrived at their destination and see Jason’s car pull up.

windows down, Damian has his feet stretched out to lay on the dash in front. batburger in one hand and a smoothie in the other, they have a greek mythology podcast blasting from the speakers as they discuss different translations and ethical dilemmas within the stories. Jason has one hand on the steering wheel and the other leant on the window, a box of fries in the drink compartment he’s languidly eating out of as he drove. Dick and Tim, who while having enough space for once had to spend the drive in stony silence while Batman barked strategies and warnings at them, suddenly realised something.

Jason was not Bruce. Jason did not care about car etiquette, or seriousness, or being in any way a responsible brother. Jason’s car was, as a result, practically a case of lawlessness within international waters. Damian grinned smugly at them around a mouthful of burger, visually mocking them for taking so long to realise what he had clocked the second Jason asked for the keys to the second car.

and thus began the fight to be allowed to go in Jason’s car rather than Bruce’s. somehow, it brought more anarchy than all five of them being in the same car did. Jason would sit, whistling to himself patiently as the other three would spit and hiss at each other to be in his car, occasionally sending a smug smirk to Bruce, who waited impassively and (slightly) offended. there was always a switch up with one person securing a spot in Jason’s car, upon which the argument then became a case of ‘maybe three people should go with Jay and two with B?’ which had wildly mixed reviews, because although another slot in Jason’s car was desirable, agreeing to it was providing the risk that you would be the one sibling left behind to travel with Bruce. Alone.

nobody wanted that.

all other vigilante/hero figures working with the bats came to expect the entertainment of when the bat cars showed up to their meeting spots. the JLA watch with poorly concealed amusement as one time Bruce showed up alone with Damian who looked three seconds away from impaling himself on his own katana, only for Jason’s car to show up two minutes later where the other three of them were loudly screaming nicki minaj songs at the top of their lungs through the open convertible roof, of which Nightwing was standing to half hang out of so he could dance.

another time both cars were running late so they switched between the com systems in both cars to check up on them and the difference between vibes was unfounded.

Green Lantern: just checking in on the batmobile, how long is your guys ETA?

Batman: five minutes.

Nightwing: we totally had time to stop at that drivethrough-

Batman: five. minutes.

the JL:

Robin: i hate this family.

the JL: *switch to batcar 2*

Green Lantern: h-

*loud mexican music and laughter*

Red Robin: OK- OK OK OK- fuck marry kill, Batman-,

Red Hood: kill Batman.

Red Robin: you didn’t even hear the other options

Red Hood: *laughing* what are the other options?

Red Robin: ok, fuck marry kill, Batman, the Joker, and Superman.

Red Hood:

Red Hood: ok so kill Batman-

Red Robin: *wheeze*

Red Hood: *defensive* I DONT WANT TO LOOK AT HIS FACE!

Red Robin: ok and the others?

Red Hood: marry the Joker, because then i have ample opportunity to kill him later AND inherit everything he owns. and fuck Superman because i don’t want to commit to him but i do want to show dominance over him.

Red Robin: *uncontrollable crying-laughter*

the JL:

Superman, tired: Hood. what is your ETA.

Red Robin: *laughing even harder*

Red Hood, unashamed: i’ll be home in three sweetie, don’t you worry ;)

Superman: stop.

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Things Jason has called Tim since he stopped saying Replacement (after Titan’s Tower)

Squirt (2nd smallest of the family only cause Damian hasn’t gotten his spurt yet)

Sprinkle (after he came out as bisexual, like rainbow sprinkle)

Snowie (cause boy be pale as fuck) (I like the HC that Jason has a little tint to him and isn’t pearl like Bruce and Tim)

Pippi (Cause it was quicker to say than PipSqueak)

Panda (Cause, he's pale and has circles damn near the colour or a blackhole under his eyes)

~~~~ Of course additions are welcome <3

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🤔

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Would the tassel things be like kinda inconvenient? Yeah, but it’s stylish

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He is almost three apples tall

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was that too much

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A follow up to this story.

After Jason "brought back" Damian, and decided not to be Robin anymore, Jay decides to find Bruce a new little Robin. He convinces him by doing emotional blackmail, of course.

Jason : Hey.

Bruce : *Ignores him*

Jason : Hey.

Bruce : *Suddenly very concentrated on the case on the screen, concerning Condiment King.*

Jason : You dare ignore me when I fucking died ?

Bruce : *Now unable to ignore Jason* What ?

Jason : So you're gonna need a new Robin, and I'm not letting you take Damian as one...

Bruce : He's too young.

Jason : So I guess the fucking limit is 9 ? Anywaaaaay... I wanna choose him. Me and Dick maybe.

Bruce : I'm not taking another Robin.

Jason : We know how you are without Robin, that's out of the question. I'm gonna choose you one. You'll accept or he'll be MY Robin.

Bruce : Jason...

Jason : I'll never bring up the fact that you LET ME DIE if you let me.

Bruce : ... Fine. He better be good.

Jason : Oh don't worry I have a few ideas. And he'll be over 12, which is a pretty low standard anyway.

Jason then leaves to go get Dick. They have a few candidates, but Tim is a pretty obvious choice. They don't choose him right away, because of the stalking habit, though it's harmless and they haven't seen him publish anywhere about Batman's identity.

After a little bit of debate, they settle for Tim. He's even an orphan. So what do they do ? They stalk him back. And it's not like they try to hide themselves from him. They're even clowning him a little by wearing those glasses with a fake nose and moustache. They leave random stuff in his house, since he's their next door neighbor after all.

Timmy finally catches on. So he engages in a fun little stalk war with the two of them, leaving some random stuff on their cars or motorcycles.

After a while, Jason finds him at the front of Dick's apartment, and grabs him by the collar. He pulls him to the apartment and discusses the idea of recruiting him.

Tim : Well I'm overwhelmed.

Dick and Jason in unisson : Stay whelmed.

Tim: What ?

Dick :

Jason :

Jason : Fuck you Dick, it's your fault.

Tim : Huh ??

Dick : ANYWAYYYY. Wanna be the new Robin ? We gonna train you.

Tim : I... Would mister wayne accept ??

Jason : He's got too, or else he's never gonna hear the end of THE FACT I DIED.

Tim : You... Ok I don't wanna know. Let's do this I guess ?

Jason : Are you feeling the aster bro ?

Dick : Hell yes I am.

Tim : ???????

They then get Tim to the manor, where he meets up with Bruce and Damian for the first time or so. To test his abilities, Bruce put him on a case that has him stuck. Tim proceeds to resolve it in 24 hours of no sleep.

He starts as Robin months later. Jason and Dick are extremely protective of him. Damian absolutely loves him. Ra's attacks the city a few times before giving up.

They're one big happy family. Like we dream of.

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he was so tiny i wanna squish him and keep it in a jar

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lex is sooo down bad 😔

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Red Hood in Position

Based on this post

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They're on a little lunch break from crime fighting. Damian's sulking about having to wait but I think he secretly wants a home packed lunch too (he'll complain a ton about Jon's lunch breaks till Alfred figures he's jealous and packs him his own)

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bats forget how flexible the average person can be

+ bonus under the cut!

one of these days im gonna learn to be normal about them… but not today!