silvimarie-blog

[silvimarie-blog]

Can I get a little privacy, please?!

I’m 33 years old and I have no idea what or how Tumblr is used but I needed a safe space. Anonymity. Ironic, I know, since I’ve resorted to a social media platform. Before this, I only used Instagram for pictures of inspirational quotes and pictures which inspired my own well-being and calm. 

How many people out there still use handwritten journals? I have ALWAYS had one. When adult responsibilities made it nearly impossible to keep one, I stopped. For anyone who does keep a journal, is it safe to assume you have an obsession with notebooks? I DO! Major changes have begun in my life this year. I have labeled 2019 as the year of changes. I thought it would be best to keep a journal of how I handle changes. A little secret between me and whoever has the ability and patience to read this, I don’t handle change too well. I mean, cmon, WHO DOES? Right? I mean... for me... when major changes occur... it's embarrassing how well I did not handle them. Anxiety is normal. Binge eating and hiding away in the house for weeks at a time, NOT NORMAL AND NOT OKAY. I want to fight these bad habit/defense mechanisms with more healthier alternatives. Will they be the correct or best way? Probably not! 

Okay, I sat down, started the process of writing. I wrote the first paragraph of this journal/fiction journal (oh, in my journals I don’t like to write the actual truth, I like to imagine what things could have been; had events taken a slightly different route. Just ONE fact could change an entire story). So paragraph in, my significant other walks in and sees I am writing and proceeds to ask me an absolutely DUMB question, “Oh you're writing?” “NOOOO! Actually, I am stirring a pot of witches potions so I can change the course of time and revert back to my former, young and youthful self!” *Sigh*  DUH, I’m fucking writing, what does it look like? Any normal person would think I was being a little passive-aggressive. Well, just get to know me a little more and you’ll understand, over time. I feel I need to explain my actions to the world, yet. 

Hours later, that evening, I go for a run. I LOVE TO RUN. I am not good at it. I am not fast. I can’t get far but I love how it challenges my entire body and mind. I can correct any thought with a good sprint. The key is to push myself until I can no longer breathe! It's goooood. Corrective therapy, it's underrated. (I need to beat myself for all these digressions.) I go for a glorious run, yet pathetic run and upon my return, my significant other has SEARCHED THE BEDROOM, LOCATED MY JOURNAL, READ IT, SNAPPED A PICTURE OF IT, AND THEN COMES TO QUESTION ME ABOUT IT! No no, not question INTERROGATE! 

That is a MAJOR invasion of privacy. You can go through my purse. My phone. My Closet. My ANYTHING.... but the ONE THING YOU DO NOT... ABSOLUTELY DO NOT violate is my journal.  Some people will say, “If you don’t have anything to hide....” BLAH BLAH BLAH... STFU. It’s not about having something to hide, its about having a safe place. It’s about respect and security. I write to release. I mean, If I had a magic wand, which I don't because I never got my letter to Hogwarts... that's a complaint for another time... I would draw out memories like Dumbledore. ALAS! I can not do that. So, my pen is my wand. 

I have to draw the line somewhere. I am in such a place that feels like chaos. It's like when saltwater meets freshwater, it doesn't immediately converge. It sort of sits there and slowly does its thing. That's where I am. I am at a pivotal moment in my life where major changes are happening. Happens to everyone. Happens multiple times in a lifetime but this change.. maybe you’ve already experienced it, maybe you haven’t.... These are the moments when most of us dwell in the self-pity, life seems unfair and the changes occurring are cruel and unusual punishment for NO REASON AT ALL! “Life is so unfair, THIS IS THE END, I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN.”  Yea, I am dramatic AF. You think I like admitting that to myself? PEOPLE KNOW ME. PEOPLE KNOW I AM BUT I WAS SO CLUELESS, I DID NOT KNOW MY OWN FLAWS! 

That causes a lot of anxiety. You know there's a lot wrong with you but you don't know that it is. Guess what, OTHER PEOPLE DO.... 

Right now and for the longest time, I gave a shit what other people thought. I still do, but that's the beauty of this life-altering epiphany. I give a fuck MORE about what other people think of me and I don't give enough fucks about myself or opening my mind to my truths and changing my story. 

So, here I am. I am determined to come out of this a BETTER person. Will I succeed? Well, is anyone perfect? NOPE. But I know who I want to be. I know how I want to be viewed. I don’t want to be fake. So I will own up to my shortcomings. It won't be pretty but guess what? I am the only person who needs to live with myself. 

ALL THOSE CLICHE MEMES ABOUT SELF LOVE.... ugh... that's disgusting, aren’t they? BUT THEY ARE CLICHES FOR A REASON. When we brush them off as gobbly gook... that means we are hiding from our own self-truths. Okay let me change that.... I brushed off all that shit because I was hiding from my TRUTH. 

My goal is to emerge from these changing times a STRONGER version of myself. Well, a stronger version of the fucked up person I am. Let's be honest, I’m not a good person and I hate it! I hate who I am but I am love with the prospect of having the tools and the desire to make the changes I need. 

The first step, finding some mother fucking privacy. (From the people who know me.) I have no idea how this will work out, I have no idea if I will stick to this platform, I have NO CLUE... NONE... and I’m excited for that! I CAN AND WILL DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT AS LONG AS IT HELPS ME AND I DONT HARM OTHERS. Right? RIGHT! 

Here I go... This may be one hell of a ride! *Hits weed pen* I have no doubt it will be worth it! 

**SALUTE!** 

Reminder to myself: freewriting isn’t about correct spelling and grammar! DO NOT GO BACK AND PROOFREAD! You will only want to make changes. DONT DO IT!