simplecynical-blog - Tumblr blog

[simplecynical-blog]

Thoughts 12-18-17

Lately, I have been feeling pretty down and depression has got the best of me along with the winter colds, causing my sickness and adding to the tiredness of this never ending feeling. It's like being dropped into a tub of ice cold water and then tied down by marionette strings. You begin to feel numb and cold, lonely, and soon crestfallen, knowing that the next time you have a temporary happy will be followed by a metaphorical noose around your neck and tongue tied words muffled into nothing. Reality begins to seem altered, not just fake, because no, it doesn't feel fake. It's just nothing. Sometimes nothing and everything and all you want to do is lie down and cry your unseen tears into a pillow you think is the only thing that comforts you. You want to scream you unheard feelings or no feelings into the dark absence, where you think someone will pick up on your calls but they linger inside your head, just stopping before the mouth of pain. It's tiresome and exhausting, its just doesn't feel right. Your ill and you know it. It's making you dysfunctional and confused daily. These marionette strings grow tighter as you go on and the noose is raised higher everyday and this anvil of despair stays strapped to your chest. At night its just a time where we can let go, throw our bodies around in agony because of this feeling you can't just quite explain without sounding like a child. At night its when we can finally decide.

I haven't made that decision for the sol purpose that i want to live out my dream. I want to give up and let go everyday, each morning is a struggle and night is a fight to wake up the next day, let alone fall asleep before making a dumb deed. I wirte this in my first period class with plenty of other teenage girls with their problems. I wonder if they feel as empty as I. I'm too curious and i currently wonder when they faced the numb cold of decision and death. They go hand in hand as partners, and i can hold the hand of the grim but i must not follow fully into the abyss behind them, because that's how a fight ends. Last night, I thought of letting the grim take me. I hesitated once and then woke up just to start another day of masking my face, sewing my limps back, and following the ways of marionette strings.