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sincerely-ie · 9 months

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All the words I couldn't say

I remember the day we parted ways. I was sad but accepting. I tried not to think about you. It was easy. I thought I fell out of love with you. I couldn't feel the love, the spark anymore. I provided you with a choice, to take a break or to leave. You chose the latter. We agreed before that should we ever part ways, we were not to be strangers. We believed that we were mature enough to accept it. I agreed because I knew what type of person you were.

Looking back, I regret not fighting for us. I regret not trying harder. When I hear 'Back to December', I think about us. I think about all the times we could have worked things out.

I remember after we parted for some time, we had some chats. One of which you told me you tried to avoid me whenever you could. When I questioned why, you told me you felt jealous, envious that I was supposedly happier than you. That I was already seeing someone else. I confessed to you that I was not in fact seeing someone new, and that they, my friends, were a way to keep you out of my mind. You were upset that I was doing better than you but all those times I felt the urge to talk to you again, to maybe hope to reconcile and try again, I didn't act on it. Instead I gazed at you with envious but loving eyes, wishing you nothing but the best. I had full faith you'll find someone better, because I knew you. I knew you were a good guy and anyone would be lucky to have you.

I reached out too late. I realised too late. By the time I reached out in hopes of reconciling, you moved on. You were happier. I tried to create situations, scenarios where you had to talk to me. But we were hurt and you picked yourself up. You forgot the promise we made before parting. I was upset. I was filled with regret. Why hadn't I try sooner? Why was I so afraid? I could have had a fighting chance.

Then I saw you. How different you seemed. That was not the person I fell in love with. That was not the person I chose to love. You felt like a stranger to me and despite that, I was still utterly in love with you. Maybe I was reminiscing about old memories. I can't help it. You felt so right for me. Then again, I never saw anything bad. All my friends tell me that you pushed too much. At first, I found it hard to believe but the more I look at you, the more I see it. I could never picture my future with you. Even back then. Those fleeting moments I had with you were amazing. The secretive looks, the hidden matching items, it felt so special to me. I wonder sometimes if it was because we were just too quick.

After a while, I finally could let go of you. I could move on and not second guess my feelings.

I found someone new. Someone who I can talk to, who understands me. Although sometimes it gets a little lonely, I still want to try and love them. I want to build something with them. I care for them a lot and I don't want to lose them. I can't bear losing them. I can't tell if I'm falling in love but if this is what love feels like, I'm glad it's gentle and refreshing.

I am so glad to have met you and experienced all I could with you. You taught me so much and I will always be thankful.

Every now and then, when I see you from afar, there is a pang in my heart. The 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens'. I know now it's the memories I wish to relive.

Maybe back then, I would have jumped at an opportunity to reconcile with you but when I saw you today, all I could think about was my partner. How much I missed them, how I missed their company, how I missed their voice. I'll have you to thank. I wish you all the best, maybe when you have settled down, we can chat like old friends, catching up on life, going back to before everything happened.

I realised my feelings better and I'm glad and relieved that you are not the person I pictured in my future. So thank you, for being there at an important part of my life. I've learned a lot from you and I'll never regret the way things turn out.

~ i.E

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