sincerelyolivea-blog

[sincerelyolivea-blog]

Fuck Boys Make it So Easy

When he approached me and asked me to take his photo my first thought was "Oh, he's attractive".

I was a little flustered, fumbling with my keys and phone then with his phone. Somehow before walking away, I asked his name. He didn't ask mine in return. "He's not interested," I told myself. He specifically said he wasn't trying to hit on me so just forget him I thought.

But I couldn't. I was only in town for the game. I had a date in another city at 7 pm but there was a party that night after the game. I was struggling. Do I cancel my date? Should I just not go to the party? It was a 90′s party though, I could NOT miss this! I decided to keep my date and just haul ass getting from the ball game to the date, back home for 10 minutes then back up to the party. I was a crazy hot mess, sweating and struggling, anxious from being on the road so much and on such a tight schedule. 

I made it to the party with time to spare. I was giddy and ready for the festivities. I wondered will he be there? Will he even recognize me or remember me to get me that drink he owed me?

We got to the party as people were just arriving. The music was bumpin’, I was running into people I haven't seen in forever, everyone looked amazing in their 90′s gear. I was having a great time dancing when my thirst became too much and I needed to step away to get some water. I was grabbed at my waist by a man... I was about to cut into him when I heard "you want to take my picture?" my eyes lit up "heyyy" I said, "you owe me a drink!" - where the hell did this courage come from? He said "you're right I do, follow me" and he took me on stage with him. What. The. Fuck?

There I was sitting on stage waiting for my drink, awkwardly leaning on a couch that I didn't want to get too comfortable on. He kept going MIA. I ran into a girl I used to work with on stage, she apparently knew him quite well. An old friend from church. Kept saying how crazy he was.

"Are you here with someone?" he asked. "Yeah, I'm here with my girls" - "No... do you got a dude?" "No." "Oh ok. I was just asking in case someone might be interested in you". I stood there awkwardly. Is he talking about himself? Why is he fucking with me? He goes MIA again. 

Still, no drink. Truthfully, I don't even drink so it was really just the principal. Finally, he comes back with a cup of watered down something. “What the hell is this?” I took a drink and gave it to the girl. I didn't want it. He looks at me "I think I might have a crush on you. I am still trying to figure it out though" I looked at him weirdly. What the hell does that mean? The party was almost over, my friend was leaving. I started to make my way to the exit and he grabs my arm "where are you going?" "I am about to leave, my girl is waiting for me" I said. "What if I don't want you to leave?" he asked. We got into this weird conversation about me being stuck up. I was offended. "I am not stuck up." 

Meanwhile, an old friend starts talking to me from the floor below so I engage in that conversation instead. When that's over I decide mystery boy really must not be interested in me and I make my way out the exit, down the stairs and outside. Someone grabs my arm "where you going?" It was him. Again, my eyes lit up "to my girls house." He puts his number in my phone then asks if I want to just leave with him right then. I was completely stuck on stupid. Never in my life have I ever even considered hanging with a man I just met from the club... and alone?! However, I started to text my friend "so what if I want to go kick it with my new friend?"... "would that be OK?" "Is that so stupid?" I needed reassurance, which I was given. 

I walked back to his car with him and on the way there, this man knows absolutely everyone... and their mama... and their step cousins. He was talking to everyone. I felt like I was already doing the walk of shame. They all know I am leaving with him. He runs into some girls he knows and has a lengthy conversation as we walk. They make a shady comment "you're not going to introduce us to your girlfriend? That's rude of you." He playfully introduces me as his girlfriend and mentions it as we walk away. "I just told them you were my girlfriend". I kinda roll my eyes, still unsure of what the hell is happening. 

We get to the car and he sits there talking to me, saying he's trying to get to know me. Honesty hour he called it. He seemed convinced that I "knew" he was trying to holler at me when he asked me to take his picture. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what he wanted from me, I didn't know what I was doing. We end up back where he was staying while he was in town. I sat there on the edge of the bed, nervous af! What am I doing!? Eventually, he turns off the lights, undresses and gets into bed. I am still fully clothed and shaking. Slowly, the clothes come off. There was this voice in my head yelling at me to stop the entire time. "What the hell are you doing? Who are you? You don't know this man! Have you lost your mind?"... I couldn't do it. FUCK! We fell asleep... well he did, I laid there awake, scared and feeling guilty. 

In the morning he took me back to my friend's house. I asked if he was mad. "No. Why would I be mad?" I said "I guess maybe you had expectations of one thing and got another" he assured me he wasn't mad and I got out of the car. As soon as I got in the door I had a huge smile "I like him" I said... "I mean I like him in a way I haven't liked anyone in over 10 years, I don't just like the way he makes me feel.. there is something about him" I gushed the details to my best friend... "fuck. What am I going to do?" "Text him," she said. 

Later that day I text him a brief cutesy message about having a crush. I went on about my day and took a nap. I woke up to still no response. I panicked a bit and called him... no answer and mailbox full. Shit! I wrote a book of a text message explaining myself and as soon as I hit send my phone rang. It was him. "Did you just get my text?" I asked. "No, I haven't gotten a text"

I explained my feelings to him, it was a very weird conversation and very uncomfortable for me. He calls me later and we go back and forth trying to figure out a way to see each other. I was dead tired and fell asleep. He called while I was sleeping asking me to meet him but it was too far and didn't make sense. I hung up. 

I woke up in the morning like "shit" I wish I would have gotten to see him. So I text him to see if he was still around or had gone back home... hours go by, no response until finally "whats up woman?" He told me he was still around and to come meet him... in another state. Ummm that's crazy. Well, somehow it wasn't too crazy because not only did I entertain the idea but I made arrangements for my kids and packed a bag and drove 3 hours in the middle of the night to go see this man. No makeup, no heels. Just me in my natural, comfortable state. If he likes me, I want him to like me for me - not my looks or some bullshit. 

We got a room and I crawled into bed. I knew what was going to happen but was still nervous af. We proceeded to have the craziest sex of my life. I was infatuated with everything about the experience. The way he breathed into my ear, the words he whispered to me, the way he caressed my body. I wanted to give back... I was paralyzed by his touch. Overwhelmed with desire, passion, and euphoria. He was too big for me. I wanted to cry. It hurt and felt good at the same time. I had never experienced anything like it. In the morning, we had sex again. This time, much more bearable but still just as incredible. We cuddled. I got out of bed and he asked me to come back because he missed me. I loved hearing him say that. I had been missing him since I met him. 

When check out time came we decided to find something to do to spend more time together. We went to the mall and popped into a couple of stores. When he took me into his favorite store in the mall, the pet store. I didn't tell him how that's my favorite store and that I go into one every time I see one... how that's how I ended up with my puppy. 

We went and grabbed some food and on the way, he told me about all of his weird little food quirks. I was kind of relieved that there was someone out there worse than me when it comes to being weird about food. 

When I went to drop him off, he asked if I had to leave or if I wanted to find something else to do so we drove around looking for something to do. We ended up going to an arcade where I thoroughly kicked his ass in basketball and connect four. It was hilarious watching him try to figure out what the hell was going on. Again, time to go. We made our way back to his spot, he asked again "you gotta head back or you want to find something else to do?" I had to go. 

He got out of the car and gave me a hug, a long, unforgettable hug. We said a few words and somehow ended up entangled in another incredible hug. I held on, caressed his back and buried my face into his chest trying to take in the scent and the feeling. Everything in me screamed I don't want to let go. It was a long ride back, I had things to do. I tried to assimilate back into the reality that was my life; grocery shopping, picking up football gear for my son and then stopping by his practice. 

The next day I was completely in a daze. Trying to understand what the hell I just did and what the hell I was feeling. I text him something random, he texts back... small talk... but I wanted more. Finally, I text him "I want to see you again" - "when???" I didn't have an answer, I just said whenever and made a comment about busy schedules. He laughed it off. That was it.

"What up" - seeing his name on my phone immediately brings a smile to my face. I respond and we joke back and forth, I ask if he's coming to see me. It was just bullshitting back and forth with a few quick calls and then nothing.

The next morning, I message him about not calling me back and again extend an invitation to see me - nothing. I text again that night and he responds with one word here and there, nothing significant. I start to over analyze the situation a little. Finally, I respond with how I feel "We're just going to pretend like I didn't text you earlier?" 

Nothing. No response. No nothing. 

I cried that night. I felt like I misread the situation. I questioned every decision I had made. I wondered if I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. Chasing dick, Olivea... really? Doing things you've never done for a man you don't even know... what the hell. I have all of this useless information that I unconsciously retained about his damn food quirks. Are you desperate? No. Absolutely not desperate. All the potential guys I had met up until this point, all the interest and I never liked anyone. This man is like a unicorn to me. For the first time in forever, I am looking at a man and liking everything, flaws and all. I am not staring at him, searching for reasons to not like him.

I resolved that I had misinterpreted the situation and decided that just because I did a few things I don't normally do and I got a little out of my element, it doesn't make me a bad person or change my values. I followed my heart. That's something I believe in and am glad that I had the experience. I didn't expect to hear from him again. I spent the next day out of town with family and friends. Then my phone rang. Heart stops - eyes light up. Every. Freaking. Time! "Hello" "Hey, my bad, I thought I responded to your message yesterday and I just saw I didn't" ... I told him I didn't expect to hear from him again, he asked why. I didn't really know what to say. He wanted to see me but I was too far away and already had plans. Maybe we could figure out something the next day. He told me to call him.

The next day when I noticed a missed call from him, I was surprised but happy. I called back and we made plans to see each other later that day.  Once again, I am driving damn near three hours to see this unicorn. This time, no regrets. 

Son of a bitch. I get down there and this man has me waiting like 2 hours. I am never this patient. For some reason, I have the patience of a saint when it comes to him. I find somewhere with wifi and dive into some work while I wait. Finally, he's ready. I pick him up and we head to his friend's house. We were deciding whether to go out or just chill. All I wanted at that moment was him. The choice between having him in my arms or being in a room full of strangers was pretty easy. Still, I played coy. "It doesn't matter... we can do whatever." We stayed and cuddled. I held him and followed my natural instinct to rub my hands along his back and neck. 

I wanted to keep him in my arms forever. He started to caress me and suck on my breasts. He gets me so fucking wet. He says he wants to taste me. I want to taste him so bad. What am I thinking?! When have I ever wanted to taste a man? Fuck it, I go for it and I start to go down on him. I take it easy because I am still so incredibly nervous. I want so badly to completely let go and give him all of me... but we're not there yet. I straddle him and tease his dick with the lips of my pussy. I want to feel him in me. "Get a condom" "I don't have one" "Fuck! What do you mean?! Can you get one?" "I'll pull out" Fuuuuuck. No. Olivea, do not do this!!! Once again, fuck it. I seemed to have lost all common sense, all sense of reasoning, all of my damn morals. He tells me to meet him in the bathroom. He puts me up on the sink and starts to penetrate and just as I am about to lose it, he does... on my leg. 

We make our way back to the couch and fall asleep in each other's arms. The next day we spend the day together essentially running errands for him and his friend. I was along for the ride. I didn't mind. I was cool just to have this time to hopefully get to know him some more. 

The beautiful thing about just being around someone on a random ass day with nothing to do but run some errands is that you see them in a natural state. How do they interact with friends, strangers, what is their phone habits, riding habits, etc. 

This man is ALWAYS on his damn phone. As much as I didn't want to leave, I had to. I was beyond tired and had a long drive ahead of me. He gave me a hug and I told him "I'm sad, I don't want to not see you" he said he was sad too. I looked at him as if "don't make fun of me" he said "no, I'm serious. I am going to miss being around you and your bubbly personality" he proceeded to say "we'll figure something out. Face time or something".

On the way home I fell asleep three times on the road. I called him just to keep me company as I drove. He answered but said he had to call me back in 2 seconds. He never did. 

I text him later when I made it home safely and told him I thought it was messed up he never called back. In the early morning hours, he responded saying he had fallen asleep. "Baaaaaabbbbbeeee" he said. I loved that he called me babe. Hated that he "fell asleep". 

From there, our dialogue kind of fizzled out. I text him about a project he was working on and we had a brief exchange about that... then nothing. So much for facetiming, huh? 

The whole time I was pulled in by the vibe... the energy he brought. I made decisions based off of feeling and not-so-much logic. I felt a connection, I felt an energy and I liked it. 

I wanted so badly to just get to know him better and investigate this energy, this feeling a little more that I went all out. I did things I had never done because I was feeling things I had never felt. But we never really had a serious conversation. We never really had a deep conversation. We never had one of those conversations you kind of need to have to bond. 

So when the excitement started to fade and the silence set in, I took note of who was calling me, asking to see me, wanting to get to know me better, being cautiously persistent in their pursuit of me and you know what I realized? It wasn't him. Ain't that how it always seems to go? You want those who don't want you. Meanwhile, I was curving those who had a legitimate interest for a man that although I had already given so much to him, I barely knew. 

Damn... what have I done? No regrets... remember? 

Life is to be lived. Lessons are to be learned. People come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. 

I hate to think that I have to stop following my heart. I hate to think that my lesson is to trust less. I want to love fully, I want to take risks, I want to give without expectations. I want to follow my heart and do the right thing. 

But how do you avoid falling for the fuck boys when they make it so easy?