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sincerelysashaa · 4 years

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6/14/20

LAWD. I somehow managed to already not stay on track with blogging every night. So consider this my entire weekend’s story bunched up in one. Another weekend in the books of single parenting. Another weekend of countless questions from my kids about why daddy isn’t spending weekends with them and why he goes out of town every weekend. I guess tonight’s post will elaborate more that..

Back in February (I think), Chris had another woman in my house. Let me preface this conversation with this- Chris assumed that I was cheating on him. Not sure if it was a guilty conscious or him seeing me finally losing weight and being happy, but he felt the need to pull my call records. Instead of reasonably asking for names and reasons why I was speaking to someone at 1am for literally less than 5 minutes, he came to his own conclusion that if a man answered when he called that number, that I was 100% sleeping with this person. The truth of the short calls were to get shirt sizes ASAP for an order I had to finish that night for a fight coming up at our boxing gym. It just so happened that this guy worked overnight and slept during the days so he called when he was free at work to finish his order, talk about the event and that was all. Anyway, Chris called him and asked if he was involved with me. The guy (being the meatheaded asshole that he is) must of thought it would be funny to tell Chris “I know she’s married and if anyone was pressing up on anyone, it was her coming onto me”. To this day I still don't know if Chris made this up because when I confronted the guy and asked why he would say that to my husband, he said he would never say something like that. Weird..right? So fast-forward to a few weeks after that. I go out of town with my 2 daughters and my son stays home. Kind of a boy’s weekend/girl’s weekend. When I came home, my bedroom was SPOTLESS. I mean SO clean while the rest of my house was messy. Automatically knew someone was in my house but Chris denied it, called me psycho and crazy and said I’m saying that because I’m ‘guilty’ of messing with someone at my gym. Long story short, I found out a girl was here, she text me all of the screenshots showing where Chris said he was divorced, and ready to have something serious and be ‘completely honest’ with someone. DAMN SHAME. We had a lot of talks after that. Silly me, once again forgave him. Now let’s have a moment of honesty.. Chris has broken me emotionally, many times. I cannot lie and say I was the perfect wife after this. I started texting another man. I am not proud of it. He gave me attention, checked up on me daily, sent inspirational quotes, bible verses and all kinds of things to help me get through the hard days of my life. I have no excuses for entertaining these conversations, but I did it. Maybe I craved that attention or that feeling that someone gave a shit about me, so I continued the texting and a few phone calls here and there. Did I love the guy? 100% as a human being, I did. Was he someone I’d pursue a relationship with or get involved physically with? Absolutely not. But Chris set up a recorder in my house and listened to an entire evening of my conversations with everyone from my sister, to brother, to best friend, to this guy. He heard me say I love him. Accused me of having a ‘sexy voice’ on. Guys.. I cannot express how angry I was when he told me he put a recorder in my house! When he played it back for me, I was LIVID. I told him I know exactly what I said on those calls. That I do not care what he has to say about any of it. I handled that situation poorly. Not just because I was mad, but because I was embarrassed. Well Chris took that incident and ran with it. This exact incident is what he uses against me and as his excuse for every poor choice he has made since February. Including seeing his “girlfriend” that he now he has.

This brings us to current day and the reason I've been single parenting and fielding questions from my children about daddy not being here to spend time with our family. Chris has a girlfriend in Miami. For all I know, he’s had her for a long time but claims I’m the one “in love with someone else” and that is why he is with her. Makes total sense right? (insert eye roll). He claims I broke his heart. Yeah, okay. Apparently my heart is made of steel because nothing he’s done over these last 10 years would've broken mine, huh? I’ve looked this girl up. Good ol’ Amanda Jarrett. That name will forever be in my brain as scum, trash, shit, any other synonym for DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING. I’ve looked her up of course. Her ex-husband, in prison. 3 kids, multiple fathers. Evictions every year since 2017. Committed a 3rd degree felony. Cannot get a real job (obviously) so she “cooks” meal prep foods in her house and sells it. It’s quite pathetic actually. Chris spends every single weekend with her. 5 hour drive down on a Friday morning, doesn’t come back until Sunday night. In that time he makes sure to treat her like a queen. Something he NEVER did with me and let me tell you how fucking ANGRY and hurt that makes me. Sacrificing my entire life, carrying his 3 children, taking care of my home and children while working full-time, being the main bread winner for YEARS. NONE OF THAT WAS ENOUGH. I have to watch him spoil this sorry excuse of a woman and I could not even get a 99cent card for Mother’s Day this year. What hurts me the most though is seeing how much this hurts my kids. They are such emotional little humans who really FEEL their feelings. Brianna seems to just want to keep to herself and not be bothered. She’s always sad and quiet. Jordan has been acting out, talking back, not being his old, sweet self. He also cries a lot and asks why daddy can’t spend time with him any more. Ava has been attached to my hip 24/7. She refuses to leave my side. She’s actually sitting on my lap in my bed as I’m typing this. I just hate that Chris can’t grow up and see how badly his choices will affect them. I cannot say anything to him though because he automatically gets defensive and it ALWAYS turns into an argument. Queue the tears- because they’re flowing as I type this. My heart is tired.

Our weekends are now super busy. Purposely. I cannot keep my mind calm while sitting around and this has been a huge struggle for me. So while I’m planning our weekends so the kids can have fun, I’m planning them for my own sanity as well. Last weekend we took a trip to the Saint Augustine Aquarium and fed sharks and sting rays. This weekend, we went to lunch with my best friend Becca and had a coloring/painting night at our house. We also watched 2 movies and read books. Today, Sunday, the kids and I had a nice dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It’s the small things.

This post wasn’t supposed to be so reflective on the past but I guess the back story was needed to see where I’m at today. It was a rough weekend. They usually always are. I do not get a break and it’s become so overwhelming. I found myself just wishing the day would hurry and be over so I could come lay in bed and close out the world. I never have luck with falling asleep though so I've been reading some fiction to keep my mind occupied. I’m actually in middle of a hilarious book called Big Gray. I’m rushing through this post just so I can get back to reading it (lol). So I guess this is all for now..

Reminding myself - one day at a time.

Sincerely, Sasha

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sincerelysashaa · 4 years

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June 10, 2020

It's 10pm at night. To my left is Ava (my 4 year old) coloring in my notebook very vocally. To my right is my phone on speaker. I've been on hold with the internet company for almost 30 minutes now. Today was one of those days. I didn't get any sleep last night which always kicks my emotions into overdrive. My PCOS has been flaring up. Probably a good time to remind my future self about this PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) struggle. It's been about a year now since I was officially diagnosed but I had been feeling something was wrong for probably 3 years now. Anyway, the ovary pain, cramping, and mood changes have all been terrible lately. I made the kids breakfast and then laid in bed this morning in a zoned out state until 12pm in the afternoon. I let my job know I'd be working late today. I ran to my car later in the afternoon as a panic attack creeped up on me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't control the heaving and the sobs coming out from me. I had to hide in my car. Chris (my ex) has been 'living' on the couch here so I literally ran from own home to hide a panic attack. This is my life now. Of course, I was also hiding from the kids. It's exhausting having to plaster the fake smile and "I'm fine" attitude for their sake. They don't deserve a mom with depression.

It's days like this, deep in depression, where I question my life choices leading up to today. What could have been different if I made better decisions? Would I have someone by my side to take care of me now? Would I have left the marriage for good after we separated 6 years ago? Would I have someone new now? Would our marriage survived with some extra love and a little bit of counseling? Would I even be depressed? Would I feel like PCOS is taking over the sliver of control of my life that I feel is left? I guess we'll never know the what if's of life but I definitely let my mind wander often about all of the other paths my life could've taken. I hate that I've become this shell of a woman that I used to be. I was strong and independent. I never asked to be taken care of. Part of me feels like that weakened my marriage. I've never been good at asking for help or showing weakness. After any surgery, childbirth (c-sections), any major event that should have made me sit my ass down and rest for a while, I never stopped going. My favorite line has always been "I'm fine, it's fine". My husband never had to worry about me when I was sick or hurting. I sucked it up and pushed forward as if nothing phased me. I guess 10 years of seeing your wife being nearly invincible allows you to forget that she is a woman and a human being, not a robot. I get so down on myself looking back and thinking how badly I wanted to be loved and cared for but felt like I could never speak up about it. Another area I failed in my marriage - communication. If I would have just discussed my feelings, maybe things would be different. Or maybe I never did because I honestly felt like I was never truly heard. Either way, I regret every word I didn't say. I've made a bad habit recently of expressing all of these pent up emotions out loud, while arguing, while angry; sometimes randomly, for no reason at all. It never ends well. Nothing feels like it ever ends well.

So today, I'm filled with regret and sadness. I'm on a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows and today has been one of the lowest lows I've felt in a very long time. Today is one of those days where I wish I did not wake up until tomorrow.. but I did wake up, and I got through it. So we'll take that as the positive for the day.

Sincerely, Sasha

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sincerelysashaa · 4 years

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The beginning of the end..

I’ve been wanting to blog through my emotions for a few months now and FINALLY have the time and heart to sit here and start. I hope one day I can look back, reflect, and remember that I was able to get through some of my darkest times, even when I saw no coming back. So, here it goes..

Well.. it’s been years in the making. November 8th, 2020 would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. 3 kids, a dog, and a whole lot of bumps in the road later, we have come to the end. To say I was happy all of these years would be a lie, but saying I was miserable would also be a lie. I have always been the ‘glass half full’, ‘light at the end of the tunnel’, ‘fight for what you love’ kind of woman. Somewhere in the midst of sunshine and rainbows though, I lost myself. I accepted a life I didn't deserve because of love. Maybe because of comfort too, but mostly because I had that fairy tale dream that love conquered all. I’ve mastered the art of bottling up depression, anxiety, pain, fear, and basically every other human emotion and I did it with a smile.

It’s June of 2020 and I've filed for divorce. I cannot come to terms with my ‘new normal’. Life feels like it’s spiraling out of control most days. Most days I’m on auto-pilot, surviving and remembering to just breathe for the sake of my kids. I’m the woman that used to love life here just praying for the day to hurry on and finish so I can find peace in my sleep.

One day at a time...

That’s the new mantra around here. Hoping that blogging my days brings on better ones.

One day at a time.

Sincerely, Sasha

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