singloveandsage

[singloveandsage]

When I was in grade ten I made a speech in front of my entire English class about how I passionately believed Cosima De Vito deserved to proceed further in the Australian Idol competition over the likes of Shannon Noll and Paulini. No one else cared in the same hyper way I did at the time and I have no idea why I was allowed to spontaneously take to the front of the class and start babbling away in an absolute fever state, spreading my intense perspective on such a meaningless topic, none the less, it actually happened. This week, the same heightened state of needing to voice my raging river of thoughts has reared its head in regards to something in a similar vein - a television program I watched. Except this time it’s more so an inner conflict I’m having with myself and my understanding of grander themes in story telling and art in general and at it’s core, my care for two characters whom I believe could have made it, if the writer had wanted them to. So to start things off with, here are my overall conclusions on the matter. One, we can’t control everything, least of all someone else’s story they wrote (write your own), two, not everything is about you Tess and finally, it’s just a tv show. So now we’ve got that out of the way, read on as I take to the front of the class again for no good reason but to voice my own concern, because if I don’t, I’ll implode.

Yesterday on the Scorpio full moon I binge watched the television series ‘Normal People’ and this morning I am attempting to sweep up the remaining pieces of myself from the floor. I am well and truly effected by this story.

Scorpio energy is all sex, death, sensuality and mystery and I was confronted with all of it yesterday. I have come out of the series metaphorically post coital, shattered, confused and reeling.

It’s a romance, a tale of two students who have a secret affair during their last year of high school. Eventually they go their seperate ways but their paths continue in the same direction as they attend the same university and the story evolves as does their relationship with its many ups and downs, ins and outs and on and off agains.

The characters are written impeccably, the chemistry is outrageous, the rhythm and intention in their dialogue is spell casting and the dynamic of these two unlikely individuals evolving in various settings together and witnessing the moments they create by being in relationship is utterly beautiful and dismantling. Hear me when I say, I loved the series and am beyond impressed by the layered genius of this love story.

However.

I am equally crushed and brought to my knees as I sit with the notion of portrayed romance and what it is exactly and why romance is exactly. I am struggling with desiring its spell and intoxication but no longer willing to pay for insatiability and destruction.

Normal People is archetypically in the same realm as Romeo and Juliet and every time this narrative of young romance is told I experience this human hunger being affirmed, signalling to me what is engrained in our psyche as the thing we should all be seeking. It almost evokes hysteria for heat that can never nourish but we crave at any cost, what ever age we find ourselves. Too far to say it’s like emotional or psychic porn?

I feel we are endlessly sold this narrative in all story telling art forms and I’m seeing it now clearer than ever as being cut from the same cloth as the god sized hole within.

We are conditioned by fairytales, we are familiar with this, the fables where girls learn their path is to be pretty, youthful, pleasing, Daddy’s little girl, needing to be saved, fulfilment is in a wedding and the buzz of loves first kiss etc. And boys learn their path is to remain a more often then not, spoiled, entitled prince, independent, made to conquer, and defeat and claim a maiden, contain her through marriage etc. Then the vision we are left with is the symbol of romance being two youths experiencing intimacy for the first time and committed to this ideal within the symbol of a wedding.

But of course we never see what happens after the beginning, what follows the season of spring in our love life. It’s not reflected in art or told in stories with anywhere near the thirst of spring. There is no rite of passage signalling us towards romance that doesn’t destroy us in the end. There are no famous characters or archetypes for the summer, autumn or winter in relationships and the alchemy of love that takes place over time or show cases the importance that it in fact can and does evolve.

Even in Normal People, which is no fairy tail but in the first few episodes it sets us up with the euphoria of their new romance as well as our high hopes that they will go the distance because they clearly have a divine connection that most of us are seeking and time and time again both leading characters say, “it’s not like this with other people”, meaning this is special, it’s worth saving, it’s once in a life time, it’s not a regular thing to find this type of love.

But, as time goes on, we see other seasons and sides of their connection and as stories go, to keep our interest and engagement, they cannot make it work. I found the abandonment of their connection overwhelm me with grief, because, why can’t it work? And why can’t we show it working? I understand we need conflict, drama, tension, entertainment, a force pushing the narrative forward, but, what is this perpetual wheel of love stories doing for the psyche of each generation? Is it even possible for us to have characters and examples that have the heat and depth but can last through the chaos of life?

Side note, a few things: I personally believe it’s a persons rite of passage to walk into the fire of romance time and time again as we forge ourselves into our full potential and highest truth but I don’t believe in staying in toxic relationships or remaining in maiden/prince repressing our maturing. Yes, I say explore, experiment and expand, this is life, we get it once as these characters, love as much and as often as possible, but, seek out your wisdom and medicine in love over continuously drinking poison. Also, there is no one way or right way to love. Love is not a ladder we climb, nor is life and basically do what ever the hell you like. But -

I just feel called to express the alarm system currently going off through out my entire being that is alerting me to the programming and conditioning that occurs every time we digest love stories that either showcase a cookie cutter fairy tale fantasy pedestaling one season of our love life OR a soul connection that inevitably ends up on the floor in shards or sees two people shrinking away in defeat, it’s depressing!

Then we could also get into the fact we sweep the love stories and relationship wisdom of people at middle age and in their elder years under the rug, we make it near impossible for their stories to be shared in wide spread art forms so we lose potent medicine that could be honoured and shared and reveal an enlightening and entirely different perspective on love that might help guide us to a healthier but equally engaging romantic life.

But I won’t, for now I will just say I am coming to terms with my own relationship to romance as an energy and the way I see it being portrayed and that it bothers me and all I see is the shadow aspect of romantic love being reflected back to me. That, or cheesy, patriarchal cliches. 

I’m mindful of what fire I am fuelling when I allow myself to be engaged in the spring element of romance portrayed in entertainment and whether it’s benefiting me or quite possibly imprisoning me to a narrative that I then crave like a drug or become a slave to because it’s the only story I’ve come to trust because I continuously, willingly witness it.

Is it even possible to write and show case alternative love stories that are passionate as well as thrilling and enticing but they nourish and evolve both parties? Or is romance inextricably unfulfilling and we either have to cut it short or watch it dissolve?  

I feel there is a seed deep within me, it’s been there all this time and has been whispering to me my entire life for a new narrative to be shared and celebrated across all art forms and yesterday it seemed to call out louder than ever before.

“I am not here to be a two dimensional illustration of something that shouldn’t be defined and I am not here to be a shadow casted over your life or something that you need to chase and cage. I am infinite potential that you can dance with, co-create with, accept my invitation or colour your existence with. I am here for you, I can heal you if you allow me and I am not just something that happens to you or not. I’m everywhere.”

I guess I’m just upset that it appears we are forced to either perish by the hands of romance and passion or we are stunted by it or we lose sight of our truth from staring at it too long like the sun. Romance and passionate connection is raw, radiant, blue flamed and electric. Indeed it is power and perhaps it’s the power of it that has always sent human beings into a frenzy, so we try and tame it like we do a wild horse or watch on at the demise of beloved characters.

I just need to believe there’s more characters and archetypes for our love stories that don’t need us to burn alive or simply go stale or end before the journey even beings and instead we see that we are the instrument for romance to flow through freely and there can be fulfilling tales of heat and sexuality that find harmony and completion. Because in real life we are made for it to happen and it can and does happen for us but it’s rarely reflected back to us on the screen or the page. 

So in closing, I believe the lovers in Normal People could have made it work, no, I say they should have made it work and yet the writer denied us of this, why? 

Because one, we can’t control everything least of all someone else’s story they wrote (write your own), two, not everything is about you Tess and finally, it’s just a tv show.

[singloveandsage]

I’m an empath

Something I don’t talk about to everyone is the fact I’m an empath.

An empath is: a person with the ability to feel the emotional or physical state of another individual.

I was born this way and up until my mid twenties I didn’t have a word for the sensations or experiences that kept happening to me.

  Empaths are sensitive, energetically open and highly attuned. Strangers will often tell them their deepest darkest secrets upon meeting them for the first time. A lot of counselors, healers and artists are empaths.

When I was sixteen and learning to drive, my male, fifty year old driving instructor told me during my first lesson about his marriage breakdown, and the pain he still felt about his divorce and how much he still loved his ex-wife. He went on to say he’d never told anyone about the things he was sharing with me. Of course he was also telling me when to turn, reminding me to use the hand break and to check my blind spots, so I nodded along and hoped not to crash.

A woman on the bus to school once told me everything about her ongoing physical pain. She shared news of her recent operation, chronic symptoms and struggles. It was major personal content and I had no idea what she expected from me as a naive teenager, probably off to P.E class in first period. I offered her my attention and hoped for her full recovery.

I’ve had female customers at work tell me about their menstrual cycles, male customers talk to me about their sex lives, I’ve been at parties where everyone has avoided me, almost as if they know that if they stop and engage the truth will come pouring out of them! I’ve had to leave events early  because the pressure on my head feels like I’m going to explode from all the emotional and physical pain in the room and I’ve experienced symptoms of morning sickness around pregnant women and can guess the sex of babies in the womb.

Whatever someone is feeling, it may take a moment, up to a day, but it will pass through me and I will experience it as if it’s my own emotional or physical state. The trouble I’ve faced without the vocabulary, awareness, guidance or wisdom of being an empath is - fear and shame.

The world is scary when you can feel what other people are feeling, especially when you’re a kid. It’s overwhelming and lonely. It’s also shameful when everyone else is walking around unaffected and you are always struggling with simple things like a total weirdo.

I discovered the term “empath” through my interest in healing. I heard a healer use the word in an interview and then I googled it and some articles came up written by other empaths. There is very little written on the matter and it’s still talked about as a “burden that needs to be managed”.

So once I discovered the term, I went on managing the “burden” the best I could.

It’s been a burden to get a sore throat when someone else next to me is fuming with anger, it’s been a burden to get neck and shoulder pain when someone close by is rigid in their beliefs and it’s been a burden to feel crippling grief over someone else’s loss. How ridiculous when something suddenly becomes about you and not the person it’s actually happening to.

It’s been a burden to not be able to go into a crowd, especially living in Melbourne. Going to Adele nearly killed me. I called Andrew to come save me from a planter box in the middle of the city, surrounded by thousands of Adele fans in varied emotional states.

It’s been an ongoing burden to be social in general. So many people are high functioning depressives or suffering anxiety and doing a great job of hiding it. The ones that don’t start pouring out their woes to me are the ones I can actually feel the most. But, it’s confusing because everyone is talking on the surface about the weather, what they did on the weekend and the holidays they’re planning. The masks, role playing and facades are taking up so much energy to keep things appearing “fine” and “happy” that all I end up processing is other people’s exhaustion. So I go home and never want to leave the house because it’s so tiring to simply exist, let alone, truly live.

I’ve tried everything to manage the burden of being an empath so I can still go out and be a person. I’ve attempted multiple ways of protecting my sensitive nature. After going to psychologists and coaches I’ve tried clearing my chakras, wearing crystals, meditating morning, noon and night, salt baths, energetic shields, being a recluse, no coffee, no alcohol, yoga, reiki, bush walks, essential oils - you name it! It’s all fun and games until nothing actually works.

It’s all wacky and quirky until you lose all hope.  

The major thing I’ve kept forgetting is that more often than not - it’s not actually MY pain. It’s the collective’s pain.

The thing that has made things WORSE is making my empathic nature into a burden in the first place!

IT’S NOT A BURDEN IT’S A GIFT.

Here’s how my default empath process has gone in the past:

1. Ow! I feel pain!

2. It must be something I did wrong?

3. I need to think about this for a very long time and solve it like a puzzle!

4. Shit, I don’t have time to do a puzzle because I have to go to work!

5. I’ll put the pain in a box for now and I’ll solve it later.

6. Now the pain is worse! There must be something really wrong with me!

7. I’m so ashamed that I can’t just be happy and live a normal life.

8. Let’s think about all the reasons it’s shit to be me!

9. Now I feel really bad and I’m never going outside again.

10. Wait, it’s really boring being scared all the time and staying inside, I’m going out to try and be a person.

11. Ow! I feel pain!

And repeat.

How a slightly more aware empath process should go:

1. Ow I feel pain!

2. Don’t worry, pain is just passing through you, it’s not permanent, you don’t have to do anything because it’s already done.

3. Let’s love what ever is arising whether it’s your pain or not

4. I love you

5. I love you

6. I love you

7. Is it your pain?

8. If yes, then continue to love it for as long as it is present

9. If no, bless all humans with more love. They need it! And know you are experiencing their pain as a sign that the world still needs your gift

10. I feel like me again

Being an empath does not mean you are living with a burden that needs you to put all of your energy into managing it. It means you have a gift that needs you to take responsibility for it. Your responsibility is to be devoted to love and not succumb to victimhood.

(Please note! This does not mean engaging with narcissists and indulging in toxic relationships. That's for another post.)

The world does not need more successful people, it needs more love and it’s hard to not be terrified of being a failure in the eyes of others by being the one who’s true power is to love in the face of pain.

All my life I have believed my gift is shameful, and in turn that’s made me fearful of who I am, how I was born and what I will always be. Now, the only way forward from here is by owning my truth. I am not weak. Who would of thought! Not me for the past twenty years.

Believing it’s “my pain” every time has been what’s kept the pain from passing through. The pain hasn’t actually had the opportunity to pass through the way it naturally wants to. Pain is a messenger and teacher, not a permanent resident. It is so often lodged deep in the energetic field with thought processes gripping the pain like industrial prongs, not letting the pain go because of the fear of it and shame in it.

Pain represents the innocent parts of us that we make wrong, evil, unworthy and useless, and they will stay dark, scary and confronting in hope of getting our loving attention some day. It’s time to stop seeing pain as a dark ghoul to run from and suppress because of fear, it’s time to look pain in the eye with our gentle hearts leading the way.

The only way out is through and the only way through is love. And I mean love like a warrior who wakes up with the sunrise and has a sense of duty and purpose until death. You can either lie down and let life steam roll you or you can stand on your own two feet with an inner flame so bright that all darkness is illuminated into blinding light.

I speak as someone who has continually shut down in all her pain, fear and exhaustion having felt the collective devastation all her life with no sign post, “how to” or guide book in sight.

I write this for all empaths out there who may not identify as an empath right now but may be confused, restless and defeated by their ongoing heavy and dense emotional state.

Don’t shield, hide, falsely protect and blame. Life will only get heavier. Acknowledge your sensitivity and empathy as absolute power and majority of your suffering will end in an instant.

Then focus your attention on love. That’s your job, to focus! Without focusing on love you’ll be a tiny ship in an unending ocean of everybody else’s pain. It’s your duty and calling to focus on love as your power and not pain as a burden. And I’m not talking about the fluffy, pale pink, bunny tale wagging love, I mean the roar of a fierce creature of the deep, wing span of a dragon, volcanic, gospel, mount everest climbing will power love! One step at a time, daily devotion to the sole answer to all of the mayhem - love.

Remember pain is no place to reside, it's a messenger of what needs your deepest love.

Let us love this earth back to light one person in pain at a time.

What a gift to be given.

🌿

[singloveandsage]

The Black Dog

So... the black dog's been round to visit - again.  

I hadn't heard about the origin of "the black dog" until recently, when one literally arrived at the front door. I was in Tassie at my oldest friend’s house and there was a deep, gentle "woof" from outside. I knew she hadn't owned a dog in years. "Do you have a dog here?" I asked. 

She went to her front door and opened it and standing there was a huge, long haired retriever, black as the night sky. My friend welcomed the dog inside the house and it wandered up the hall and to the kitchen, slowly, but with a sense of familiarity. It stopped by the sink looking up at her, it's eyes filled with anticipation. My friend went to the cupboard and took out some dog treats, offering one to the black dog and then another. She smiled down at the creature and asked to shake its paw, the dog obliged. 

"She's from across the road. Her owners let her wander around the court and are rarely home. She watches to see when I drive into the driveway and then walks over for a visit" my friend told me. 

The black dog sauntered over to me having finished her snack and asked for a pat on the head with one look. After a moment of affection from me she made a home by sitting on my foot and sat steadily by my side for half an hour. Eventually she'd had enough and left the way she came with a third treat in her mouth and my friend and I continued our evening with cups of tea and conversation. 

I returned to my family home a few hours later and my partner Andrew and my Dad had just finished watching a film on Winston Churchill and the first thing Dad said upon my return was "Winston Churchill suffered bouts of depression, he called it "his black dog". I thought it was quite the coincidence that he'd mention such a thing after the visitor at my friends’s earlier that evening. 

Curious. Life went on. 

The rest of the weekend unfolded with walks by the water, good food, cosy nights in and good company. Nothing to complain about. Just the simple splendours of comfort. I soon returned to Melbourne with determination to get back into the swing of things. Except, things seemingly stopped swinging.  

Out of the blue my energy levels became stagnant, not high or low, but frozen. My emotions weren't up or neutral, they plummeted down and turned numb. My perception of life before my eyes was not good or bad, just dim and weak. Familiar territory.  Could it be after four years of being on top of things, I actually hadn't "kicked the blues" at all, I had just showed the "black dog" the door and sent it on its way, all the while it had been waiting to be let back inside? Did I leave a window open? A door ajar? How did it find its way back in? My face seemingly changed overnight, so did my voice, posture and laugh. It felt like my life force was being sucked dry. But I continued with life, choosing a scarf each morning, applying mascara, reading on the train, greeting customers at work, drinking cups of coffee, ordering in take out at night and going to bed early. Normal. But inside was the sensation of shrinking like Alice in Wonderland with no potion to reverse the sensation.  

A few days into the melancholy, Andrew reached his threshold in regards to the girl he was now living with. He lost his temper at the black dog. He couldn't see Tess anymore, just a cold heartless shadow, withholding the one he loves, so he yelled at it over something small and insignificant. It stung and I felt ashamed and responsible. Receiving his attack made me feel like I was doing all of this on purpose. I "kicked the blues" in 2014 by upping the vegetables, jogging and meditating. I thought I'd "fixed" myself.  My intention was to get strong both mentally and physically. Subconsciously, I was actually doing a deal on the side, strength was a cover up job for my real business, which was to not feel pain - period. Sure I got healthy. I had cleansed my body with green juice, my negativity with endorphins and my emptiness with mindfulness. Problem solved! 

However somewhere in there I had secretly made the decision to never find myself at the bottom of the hole ever again and while I physically started running around the local park I also started to emotionally flee from pain and I began to submerge myself in self-development. I read every book in the self-help section, studied life coaching, got a fist full of crystals, met with psychics, spread out the guidance cards, lit candles and learnt about numerology. The more I drank from the cup of the wise and mystical, the thirstier I became and it worked. I found a place to go when pain arose and found numerous shields from all the unsightly and unbearable. Then Saturn returned, Mercury went into retrograde and the solar eclipse - eclipsed, however ever you want to define it and this year started to unravel and there's been so much pain, personally and collectively. Change has thickened the air. The familiar bottomless pit began to gain on me, which I've been successfully avoiding for four years. No onyx or Oprah video could protect or distract. 

Yes I've been strong, that was my intention, but strength looked a certain way in my head. It looked like a girl who keeps smiling, achieving and makes sure things are contained and under control. I thought I could predict my future and neutralise my past to remain safe, but pain still found me. 

The truth of the matter is that to be human is to be the open door itself and accept that pain is part of this ride. You can let it in, offering it a moment to sit down by your side and allow it to teach you, so then it eventually passes through. Or you can resist and run. Resistance doesn't mean it's not "woofing" at the front door. 

I've done many things to avoid pain. Don't we all? The vino, sugar, social media scrolling, overworking, shopping, smoking, binge watching, medication, sex, coffee etc.  But nothing is weirder than discovering the things that helped you get out of a funk has actually become another band aid. Resistance in dream catcher patterned packaging. Side note, dream catchers are awesome and Oprah is the best, I will be purchasing an amethyst cave and spirit guides exist, however, I'll never be able to outrun or out-sage my pain and this delusion was going to catch up with me eventually.  Pain comes and goes from the entrance of the heart and needs to be acknowledged or it curls up like a black dog to stay. 

So there I was, locking eyes with the love of my life, in shock by his reaction to my mental state. I was filled with confusion as to how we got here when I was "fine" last week. His gaze pierced me loveless and afraid. He didn't recognise me and the sensation was that of being looked through like a pane of glass.  I'd been here before but this time I stopped myself from identifying as glass and recognised Andrew was in fact a mirror. He was reflecting my own fear of pain because he was seeing it in its totality, layer upon layer having resisted for too long. The suppression of it now erupting from every one of my pores and this terrified him. His terror had manifested into anger as it does for many of us. He thought by yelling at the black dog that it would disappear but inside I could sense it nestling further into my lap. 

I had minimal options at this point. I could pretend I was "fine", I could yell back, I could get up and leave… or I could accept myself in the midst of this pain. I'd never done that before. I've always despised my "negative" emotions, desperate for time to move faster so I can be the happy version of me in the future, or I've looked back at my past with deluded nostalgia, reminiscing about how I was happy a week ago, a year ago, a decade ago, frantically trying to figure out, how do I get back there?  Has this been my fear all along? If I stop trying to "be more" will he still love me? Will anyone love me if this is all there is? Without the promise of something better tomorrow or the memory of me and my past success, am I really enough? Right now, in this moment? If I can't sit with the discomfort and shake hands with this imperfect, unsmiling, non achieving, unable to remain contained or under control girl in this moment, then who will? Can I do this for myself without zoning out on Netflix? 

Worth a try. Otherwise I'll be trapped on a hamster wheel for the rest of my life, desperately pedalling to remain loved.  

I inhaled and exhaled, long and deep, while maintaining eye contact with Andrew and felt a metaphorical hand being placed on the black dog's head. Acceptance. I focused on the air coming in through my mouth, moving down my throat, filling up my stomach and a tingling in my arms. I slowed down my thoughts until they came to a stop and suddenly there was complete silence and it was only Andrew and I on a week night, in our little apartment, facing each other, lovers and strangers in the same breath. I looked at his familiar face and out of nowhere it was like a light came on and my body filled with warmth and I felt space around the melancholy. The black dog was still in my lap but it's head was up and alert now, it knew something was shifting. The space around the darkness within offered me a window to see and understand that - this darkness is not me, it's not my identity. I am the awareness beyond. The only reason I was able to access this truth is by breathing into the present moment and not fighting with it. Once I accepted the present moment, space was able to come in and move around the pain, light was able to enter my body and warm my insides… love. In that moment I knew I was still inside and I was ok and all was unfolding as it should. Externally I felt my face soften and moments later, so did Andrew's, mirroring my acceptance of the present. 

Now this isn't a fairy-tale where things miraculously returned to heavenly bliss in a matter of seconds. I'm no monk. I went to bed that night with no resolution and nothing "fixed", only acceptance. I awoke the next morning, showered, chose a scarf, applied mascara and took the train to work, all the while a shadowy presence still by my side. However, I consciously chose not to project into the future and anticipate the day I'd finally be happy and I didn't look over my shoulder at the past and reminisce about "better times". I stayed grounded in the moment, every second that unfolded I breathed deeply into the entirety of my body and befriended whatever small, kind, shit, annoying, beautiful, magical moment that came my way and let it pass through, like an open door. I continued to do this the next day and the day after that and the day after that. Slowly, moment by moment, the light and warmth returned to my eyes, my voice re-energised and my laugh returned and the black dog couldn't handle it, it got bored and when I wasn't looking she left the way she came. 

The black dog needs you to identify with her for her to be able to nestle in and the more you feed her treats by fearing the future and resenting the past, the longer she'll stay and the stronger and more unmanageable she'll seem. Green juices, jogging round the park, crystals and Oprah are all fabulous but the real key to freedom from yourself is being in the present moment through acceptance and facing your pain as it arises. Otherwise pain builds up like a volcano and erupts from your blind spot, triggered by the insignificant. 

However, if you open the door to the black dog and see her as only passing through and not who you are, her stay will gradually become shorter and shorter. 

Then, perhaps one day, when the present moment is where we all solely reside… the black dog will never be seen again.

Written by Tess Luckman Hansen

Xox

"I understand now that I'm not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, "For the same reason I laugh so often - because I'm paying attention." - Glennon Doyle Melton

[singloveandsage]

We Did Not Learn

We are never taught to love ourselves so what do we do when we are grown but alone against the world?

We reach for what ever will fill the empty space within

We seek out the extreme so it's confirmed, our hearts continue to beat

We run, we numb

We sleep but never dream

We affirm we are unworthy of love and we affirm and we affirm because we did not learn...

We did not learn that we are lovely

From the strange tips of our toes to each precious hair in it's perfect place

We are here to experience the world in our divine vessels but the world tells us we don't fit in!

Fit in to what? What am I working so hard to fit into?

I was born, I never asked to be and suddenly I'm not allowed? I'm not apart of the crowd? I'm not enough? I'm not worthy of love?

We did not learn that we are powerful

From our capacity to love, infinitely, through time and space, unconditionally with fierceness and grace

We are here to feel the depths of our emotional ocean, our feelings and our bodies are a guide and a map, take me home, take me home, where is home? Within. And what is within? Peace...

We did not learn that we are enough

Just by breathing, just by listening, just by holding out a hand and connecting with our fellow man

Just by being here on the other side of birth, we are enough to mother earth

Beyond our home, parents, cars, innate gifts, the way we speak, spouses, wallets, gender, resume, dietary needs, manicures, skin colour, nationality, vices, names, age, schools, work, sexuality, injuries, foolish times and moments to shine... that space beyond it all, is still you! And it's enough – and deserves love.

Love is a practice that we are never taught

Love is free and can't be eaten, penetrated or bought

Love isn't out there, it's not some day, one day, come Monday

You don't get love, you peel away that layers that keep love at bay

It's right now and it's right here

And it's the choice, do I want love or do I want fear?

So today...

Do one thing, for you

Spend one hour with yourself and tell yourself your inner most truth

Because with each tiny loving encouragement comes priceless and potent self nourishment

And once we are warmed, watered and fed on the level of the soul

We won't feel alone against the world, we'll feel connected and in love with the whole...

x

[singloveandsage]

Bloody Relationships

A piece on love and commitment.

Romantic relationships are not investments, they are assignments.

If you invest your money in some shares and the market goes down and you lose everything, it's not a good feeling. It's like you left everything up to chance and now you're being punished and you have no idea why you participated in the first place. Now you have to go and some how make that money back and invest else where.

This is how most people approach romantic relationships.

Who are you going to invest your love in? Are they worth it? Are they worth the possibility of loss and disappointment?

Before you invest in shares, you have a look at the numbers on paper, the same often goes for people. What do they do for work? How old are they? Are they attractive? Do you have similar interests? Do you have the same values? Who are their parents? Do they want children? If we believe someone is a match we are happy to put our love, time, body and life on the table.

“Here you go, I'm all in” we say, but we don't offer ourselves without the high expectations of seeing something bloody spectacular in return. It's a business deal after all, tit for mother fucking tat. If I'm showing mine, you show me yours. If I'm investing myself in this relationship then I better see some results - from you. You owe me.

Scary. No wonder break ups suck, it's literally months or years of investing life and coming out completely bankrupt. Who has the self-esteem to continue going back in again and again, throwing whatever loose change you can muster at a potential business partner. Oops I mean LOVER.

Now. Try thinking of your romantic relationships as assignments, works of art, created by two souls.

Things can get messy and there are days when the music doesn't flow. It's a continuous participation in putting what ever you've got that day on the page. It's movement, expressing yourself, patience, highlights and shadows. It's gradual, cyclical, engaging and transformative. Some creative collaborations last a life time, others are not meant to go the distance. All collaborations teach us more about ourselves and assist us in evolving to our next creative level. We are meant to grow, shed our hard shells and evolve continuously, offering what we have learnt and who we have become to whoever matches our vibrational frequency. It's ok if you out grow your buddying artist. It's ok if the chapter closes. Think of each assignment as a venture leading you to your full potential. Some will have the same stamina and vision as you till the very end, others are destined to go their own way. It wasn't all for nothing. You are closer to your truth.

No one should think of collaborating as a risk or a gamble, the only exchange is trust. Trust in your creative partner but more importantly trust in your own craftsmanship. What level of artistry do you bring to the table? Why should another artist collaborate with you? We should be far more concerned with our own virtuosity than another’s dot points on their resume.

So instead of entering into a relationship or staying on a transactional level, think of loving and existing with somebody on a collaborative level. Will you make this day with me? Will you make this moment the best it can be by my side? Will you look at all the beauty and wonder of this world as my fellow humming manifestation of light and potential, while we can, while we're here, together.

Say yes. And if you must sign something, do it with all the colours of the rainbow.

x

[singloveandsage]

I Love And Accept Myself and Bla Bla Bla…

A piece on self love.

I have read phrases such as "self love", "self acceptance" and "love yourself" so many times through out my twenties that each phrase has completely lost it's essence and meaning and people could be saying “go buy noodles” or “pat a lama” and it would have the same effect on me.

It all comes down to I don't know HOW to fucking love myself!!! I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm stupid and there's hair everywhere!

I have been desiring something more practical than a motivating meme and when nothing miraculously fell into my lap I decided to write briefly on the topic.

Step 1: Accept yourself exactly as you are right now, wobbly thighs, blemishes, strange nipples and all. Or if you like it a bit more bluntly: You need to get over yourself. Like. Actually.

You have to get over the fact that you are in the body you are in, with the face you've got right now. It's all you can do. Accept yourself. We have to stop with the self pity and self sabotage. It's wasting precious energy that could be used for good. Quite simply you can't help yourself if you hate yourself. It's mathematically impossible. Once you end your own self loathing and you surrender, you can take back the wheel of your own vehicle. Also, acceptance equals space. Once you have space, there is room to look at your choices and make decisions. When you accept yourself by exhaling and letting go, you are once again reclaiming your sense of worthiness on a spiritual level. Then if you choose to, you can take action and do something. You can do anything. But before you can act, you have to stop whining. Accept your body and life exactly as it is right now. You can't do anything else until you have accepted.

Step 2: Once you have accepted your body exactly as it is the next step is to start a serious relationship with him/her. I mean shack up for life, till death do you part. Devote yourself to the relationship. Firstly, meet your body in private. Gaze at your naked self in the mirror, look at your body in the bath, run your hands over yourself in bed. Greet your body. “Hello you magnificent creature.”

Introduce yourself, know your body intimately and tell it you respect it and you want to be friends. Then you can slowly test the boundaries. Let your body move, oh it is so longing to move! It's aching to go out into the world and have experiences. How strong is it? How far can he/she go? Get to know what you're working with and through co-operating and exploring your body, it will become approachable, familiar and responsive. If you meet your body every day as your equal you will gradually become allies instead of enemies.

Over a year ago I had finally muscled my way out of depression and was maintaining a positive outlook. However, I physically felt like shit. I was fatigued, unfit and I didn't feel connected to my body at all, she was a thing I was trapped in. Suddenly I was repeatedly hit with severe low immunity. Not just a drizzly nose and a scratchy throat, I would be in so much pain from my body aching that I'd be having scolding hot baths every few hours and drugging myself to sleep (as well as the snot, phlegm and tonsils the size of egg plants). I would eat my weight in oranges and soup, slam back some vitamins, get myself back to work for a few weeks and then I'd be hit again. And again. And again.

That was it. I was furious. I felt like my body was letting me down. I was sure my immune system was ganging up on me and wanting me to fail. Then I woke up and realised it was me ganging up on myself, and I was setting myself up to fail. I was so over lying around in self pity, feeling passive and weak. I suddenly realised there was more work to be done on a physiological level. I couldn't feed my self-esteem on affirmations alone, I needed to actually eat some fucking nutrients and alter what I put into this precious machine that gets me from a to b and beyond with some honour and dignity.  

We unconsciously think negatively and we unconsciously put shit food in our mouths and expect to have super powers. Awareness of our thoughts and beliefs are key, awareness of the food we fuel our bodies with is vital.

The only way to raise your self-esteem in regards to your physical appearance is to have a physical  relationship with your body through movement, food and touch. It's the most important relationship of your life. Again you can't switch from hating yourself to suddenly loving yourself and no meme affirming self love can change that. Only YOU through getting up off the couch, nourishing your body with the right food for YOU and experiencing physical pleasure and contact can build up your self love.

Here is a list of things you can do to woo your body and maintain a loving, healthy relationship with yourself :

Run Slowly And Perhaps One Day Run Fast

Dance Badly, Murder On The Dance Floor

Stretch, Strengthen

Swim, Breath

Spa, Alone, With Friends

Hug People For Five Seconds Or Longer

Sun Light On Your Bare Skin, Vitamin D

Go For A Walk, Down The Road, In The Forest, Beside The Sea

On Your Day Off Wear A Sarong Around The House With Nothing Underneath/Be Naked (More)

Change Your Bed Sheets, Buy Some Thousand Thread Count

Walk Bare Foot On The Grass

Cuddle Animals, Babies And People Who Look Like They Need A Cuddle

Aroma Therapy, Inhale, Transcend

DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE

Run A Bath And Use Epsom Bath Salts.

Get A Manicure. Get A Pedicure.

Make Something With Your Hands

Make Love. Slow Down. Get Loud. Let Go.

Self Pleasure. Touch Yourself. Know Yourself.

Get You Hair Done

Apply A Delicious Body Butter To Your Skin (One that smells so good you get freakishly close to eating it.)

Use A Body Wash Or Soap In The Shower Good Enough For Cleopatra

Buy The Softest, Warmest, Cosiest Nana Blanket To Use On The Couch

Skinny Dip

Laugh As Much As You Can

Let The Tears Flow

Kick Some Pillows

Make Noise, Make Music

Make Eye Contact With Yourself In The Mirror And Give Yourself A Wink

Loving yourself, particularly loving the body you are in is not a state of mind that can be changed with the click of your fingers, it's like any other intimate relationship. It takes getting to know someone, their boundaries, vulnerabilities, wounds, strengths, talents, moods, highs, lows, beauty and imperfections and loving them anyway because they're trying their best. Your body has never hated you or hurt you, despite the names you've called it and the different ways you've taken it for granted. It's been patiently waiting for you to reconcile so together you can experience the world as one.

Now go buy noodles or pat a lama.

x

[singloveandsage]

Super Moon 2016

I've always had a connection to the moon. I've always been drawn to light outside of myself. When I was a little girl and believed in the tooth fairy, my best friend Claire and I would pack a bag, a toy or two and wait in her back yard for the moon to swing by and carry us off to fairy land. We wanted to go so badly to that mystical place in our minds, full of magic and glitter. The moon never got close enough to take us into its arms and escort us to a far away land but it has remained my faithful companion well into adult hood and has taught me endless wisdom.

It's a super moon this coming Monday night. The moon will be the closest it has been to earth this century and won't appear this large again until 2034.  

But instead of wanting her to take me far away from here, I have shifted to committing myself to planting my roots right here on our earth and breathing in the elements. I now bow down to mother earth and honour this source of life. I wish to rebuild my relationship with this sacred place in order to heal and come home instead of running away and hiding, desperately seeking light else where.

The rocks beneath our feet and the sky above our heads, together, have great lessons to teach and combined can bring us back to the light we have within. 

Her majesty in the sky has slowly taught me how to do the cyclical dance as a woman, human and spiritual being and enjoy each ebb and flow. The feminine power of our moon shows us the beauty and balance of our light and shadow.

More recently earth, fire, water and air have taught me my biggest lesson yet. Why I came here in the first place. Why I incarnated this life time, at this moment in time.

Many days I have questioned my presence, my purpose, my place here and it's all seemed so pointless and trivial, until I partook in an ancient ceremony. The ritual allowed me to feel the presence of the ancestors, connect to our creator and understand what has been missing from my life.

BELONGING.

If you don't have a sense of belonging here on the planet, life seems to slip through your finger tips and it's so easy to be bored, restless, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, angry and all the rest of it, particularly here in the west.

I can be ecstatic one second and then left with the feeling of being separate, lonely and hopeless the next.

What am I doing here? Why do I feel this way? Who am I? All constant questions with temporary answers, solutions and times of relief. However the disconnect returns time and time again because I may feel "I belong" in my lovers arms, in the house I grew up in, singing that final note of a song on stage etc. But all of these things are temporary. Without realising it there has been a detrimental loss of true connection with the actual earth and all it's fire, water and air. The wound beneath all our wounds is grief from our detachment to mother earth.

And ironically, with all our wounded-ness it is mother earth who is the greatest healer and our most potent medicine.

Our planet is our true foundation and the real reason we all wanted to be here again in this life time. Our purpose is to collaborate with her and fiercely protect her. The desire that whispers beyond your smart phone, post work drinks and celebrity culture is to be apart of the earths power and magnificence and to honour this home, which we belong to. Everything else is secondary. With earth mother as our core, that which extends from it such as love, creativity, family and purpose begins to flow and unfold harmoniously.

My sense of belonging has returned and I thank the earths medicine for calling me back home. I thank the messages in the music of the ceremony, the movement of the flames, the darkness of the womb before breathing in the new day. Reborn. Awakened. Connected.

Each full moon is a time of ritual and this super moon following all that has unfolded this month is going to be powerful.

The night of a full moon is when all that must fall away can be cleansed, all doors that must close can be shut with grace so new windows can be opened and all that no longer serves you can be released so that truth and full blessed potential can prevail.

This full moon I will be releasing a lot, particularly the final particles of negative ties that have kept me small, stagnant and afraid. There is no time left to be afraid with all the world faces now. I will fully let go of judgement, criticism, jealously, anger, self pity and the role of my younger self - a follower.

So I can make room for integrity, compassion, empathy, humour, joy, grace and my destiny, which is a leader - of love and light.

This full moon I will not be asking for her majesty to take me far away from here especially as things are contracting, sharpening, hardening and blackening.

I will be asking for this super moon to remove all obstacles that stand in my way of allowing me to be a vessel of unconditional love in these challenging times.

I release all that keeps me from planting myself right here on mother earth. I am here to protect her and her children. All plants, animals, minerals and human beings alike, in spirit and the creator.

We are one.

We are light.

Don't give up.

Give it all to the moon.

x

[singloveandsage]

What I’ve Come To Know About Kicking The Blues

Get out of your head and into your body: I have personally never been the athletic type, except in grade seven when I won high jump at the school athletics carnival. Sure my body has always been capable of athleticism but my mind has never been too interested. It would prefer to be horizontal, continually worrying about everything, stressing over nothing and then leave me under my doona for, you know, EVER. However, getting out of my head and into my body is currently saving my life. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. The beautiful thing about being human is that we can explore the world through this magically complex body of ours. Our bodies desperately want us to have experiences! Our bodies expect us to move, they expect us to use our physical manifestations to experience life, fully, in ways that connects us to our soul and to this planet. How do we connect with our soul? How do we connect to the earth within our own skin? By understanding what we truly desire and following our impulses. Believe it or not, deep down, we all desire motion, action and breath. It's a desire from within. The mind may never want us to get up and start moving, but our inner spirit is desperate for us to flourish. How do you want to feel? Not how do you want to look? Or who do you want to look like? And by the way 'skinny' is not a feeling. I personally want to feel STRONG (mentally, emotionally and physically) I want to feel GROUNDED (in my decision making, relationships and body) and I want to feel FREE (from negativity, obligations and expectations). I have experimented with different types of exercise and I've set myself goals but it's been over the past six months that I have established a routine that allows me to feel strong, grounded and free while I'm doing the physical exercise and long after I have completed my work out. I now alternate between yoga, jogging, sprints and strength exercises. I still set goals for myself that feel good when I accomplish them, but I feel great just by doing the exercise my body desires. Goals become secondary and how I want to feel fuels me to get moving in the first place. Weight loss, a toned arse and lean legs are an added bonus. Perhaps you want to feel sexy and energised and you might get that from salsa classes two times a week. Maybe you want to feel fierce and fresh and you get that from swimming laps before work or surfing. Maybe it's balanced and daring and you get that from bushwalking on weekends or you want to feel invigorated and awesome and you get that from cycling or competitive team sports. You might feel great from walking the dog, doing weights with a hot personal trainer, gymnastics, adult ballet lessons, indoor rock climbing, rowing etc. Think about your deepest desires, ask yourself how you want to feel every single day and it will lead you to begin physically moving in that direction. Once you start moving you will be flooded with cortisol and endorphins and it will give you the boost you need to start appreciating your own existence. You are a miracle. What you eat affects EVERYTHING: I'm not what you would call a big cook. I never have been. It doesn't naturally excite or inspire me. Don't get me wrong I love food and I adore eating! I'll be the first to RSVP to a dinner party. But cooking is not my forte, it's not how I express myself. I grew up with all my cousins cooking a dish and baking a dessert for our family Sunday lunch and I would be there slamming down the appetisers. I know my mother was like "What is it with Tess? Why doesn't my daughter want to help the family out with a bit of cooking? I should have forced her to cook us dinner once a week from a young age!" I wouldn't have participated. Everyone would have starved or I would have contributed maggie noodles for the Sunday family feast or a cheese on toast banquet. It's just not who I am. Growing up I was blessed with no allergies and a fast metabolism so I have always eaten what ever I damn well feel like, and what do I like? I like pasta, pasta and on special occasions PASTA. I also like any and all mexican food, bread, burgers, fries, pizza and anything from a bakery. Basically anything savoury with carbs, cheese and a tomato based sauce. I've always had the appetite of a four year old. Anyway, jump to now and my metabolism laughs at me daily. You're not in kindergarten! You're almost 30! You have hips, thighs, boobs and now a permanent pot belly. Plus, a diet made up of predominantly dough and dairy has left me feeling super fatigued, sluggish, foggy and disconnected. So to balance those feelings out I have always tried to raise my energy with lots of coffee in the morning and champagne if I would go out at night. It's taken me all of my twenties to FINALLY realise ooooohhhhh this diet of caffeine, alcohol and tacos are possibly contributing largely to my anxiety, bad skin, clenched jaw, hair loss, weight gain and inability to get out of bed. Riiiggghhht. YOU CAN'T EAT THAT SHIT ALL THE TIME!!! When I first started jogging I was going for jogs consistently and gradually running longer distances but I couldn't go as fast as I wanted to and it wasn't getting easier. It felt like I was running up hill while on a flat surface. I was still eating a lot of shit, even though I was trying to eat smaller portions. I continued to unconsciously go through the motions of eating and going for taste satisfaction over an all encompassing effect of nourishing my body and mind. I would feel good for about four days, working out, eating less, but it wouldn't last. I'd slip straight back into self hatred and old habits. Only recently… I have started drinking freshly squeezed juice!!! I'm going to sound like a horrendous informercial but I cannot emphasise enough how amazing I feel after I drink a freshly squeezed green juice filled with vegetables, fruits and nutrients! Green juices have changed my life. All it takes is one juice a day to start feeling healthier both physically and mentally. After every juice I feel energised and alive! Since I've begun drinking juices I'm gradually making healthier choices for what I have for breakfast, lunch and dinner because I don't want to lose the wonderful sensations taking over my body. After a week of juices I began to slowly alter my diet and lifestyle over the following month. I've actually become interested in preparing meals and creating dishes that will make me feel the way I desire. I'm still not a chef and it's not my ultimate past time but I am far more passionate about food than I have ever been and would now happily contribute to Sunday lunch! After a fortnight of mainly plant based meals, no red meat, no cow's milk, no white bread etc. I ran faster than I have in over a decade! I felt like I could take off like an aeroplane, I felt like I could save the world if I had to. I felt truly alive and connected to who I am and all I want to be. A liberated woman, experiencing her capacity while she is here on earth. I'm not an advocate for dieting (in fact I'm anti dieting) and I'm a complete rookie to the vegetarian and vegan lifestyle. I definitely don't identify as a vegetarian or vegan (yet). But, by adding more vegetables and fruit to my diet I have naturally moved towards wanting MORE vegetables and fruit and way LESS sugar, meat, dairy, carbs, caffeine and booze. I never want anyone, including myself to feel guilty or shameful for eating food. Eating an impeccable chocolate mousse, or my personal favourite lemon meringue pie, or a life changing cheese platter with a fabulous Pinot Noir are food experiences that should be cherished, relished and savoured. They are not however, supposed to be your main food group, your therapist, your personal body guard or a crutch. Food has nothing to do with: "You only live once so I'm just going to spoil myself and eat the whole packet of biscuits." "I've had a hard day so I'm just going to eat my weight in carbonara." "I deserve to have nachos because I hate my job." "Wine is my friend." Food is everything to do with: "Does eating this actually make my entire body feel good, not just my tongue?" "Could what I'm eating be contributing to my hormones, therefore my state of mind, therefore my emotions, therefore my depression?" (Disclaimer: I'm not saying become a herbivore, I'm just suggesting you eat food that makes you feel good physically and MENTALLY. How you want to feel might be boosted and nurtured, perhaps you get that from a Parma at your local pub or perhaps it's from a sea food platter with your family. It doesn't matter, as long as it leads to your mind thinking positive, loving thoughts. For me it takes a shit load of crunchy greens). How do you want to feel? Does the food you eat allow you to feel those desired feelings? As much as I love the taste of certain things, the reality is most of those things, once they are inside me, pumping around my body, leave me feeling like hell and have definitely contributed to me being depressed. It's up to me and me alone to decide every meal, every mouth full, how do I want to feel? I want to feel alive. Our thoughts create our reality but we are not our thoughts and thoughts can be changed: Meditation allows you to recognise first hand that who you actually are is the awareness behind your thoughts. You can be aware while the voices in your head are chattering away that there is a space within you that remains calm, quiet and whole. This is your higher consciousness. This is the consciousness we all share and when we have moments of prolonged eye contact, silent affection and wordless connection, we understand that it's our thoughts, beliefs, outer experiences and physical appearance that separate us. Inside we are all from the same source, we are all spirit, we are all one, we share the same essence, which means we are all the same. When we feel this, experience this, live from this space, we are peaceful and embracing. We exude love for everyone and everything on this planet, because there is no "I am better", "I am more", "You are less", "I am separate". I reach this state of consciousness through meditation, yoga, post high intensity exercise and of course getting down with my sexy earthly companion. It takes dedication and time to take this practise from the mat, the bedroom and the comforts of my own home into the world and outwards among my fellow man. Stillness is simple but it's not easy. But it's worth it. I am not my thoughts, there fore thoughts can be changed but they can only be changed when I shift from believing the words in my head to the stillness behind my noisy mind. If I can change my thoughts, what thoughts would I choose? Hateful or Kind? Defeated or encouraging? Fearful or Loving? I was born a sensitive, introverted, emotional and stubborn young lady which isn't encouraged in society. This has lead me to live out my days automatically looking around at my outer world having thoughts that are destructive, damaging and fearful (because I don't fit in), which have lead me to believe I am weak, a failure, a freak, which has lead me to believe I am alone, separate, unworthy, and in the long term: depressed. But again, these are just thoughts I've focused on, based on my perspectives of my experiences. They can be changed. Yes I am sensitive, introverted, emotional and stubborn but I am also empathetic, loving, expressive and humorous. These are traits I am extremely proud of and wouldn't exchange for the world. I might not fit in but that doesn't mean it's all over. It's just beginning. Our purpose isn't to fit in and be the same as everybody else! Our purpose is to be true. By getting out of my head and into my body, eating food that makes me feel really good inside and meditating so I can connect with my true essence that doesn't judge, hate or belittle me, I have come out the other side shaking my head with disbelief and amazement. There is another side and another way to be here on earth and I give myself permission to break the mould. Yes I am a daughter, girlfriend, tax payer, university graduate, twenty eight year old female with dark hair and brown eyes but I'm not just these things. If we limit ourselves to the things we've done, the places we've been and the body we're in, it can feel like a prison rather than a sanctuary (depending on the thoughts you choose). We have a choice and I choose a sanctuary baby. Because… I really do want it, I really do want aliveness in the most bold and blessed kind of way. When I let go of who I "should" be and listen to who I truly am beyond the thoughts in my head… I'm free. Some other stuff and things that have helped me with depression: - A psychologist that I respect and adore - Books - Praying - Affirmations - Being in nature - Cuddling animals - Orgasms - Documentaries - Cups of tea - Epsom salt baths - Manicures - Letter writing - Cafe dates with a pen and my journal - YouTube - Candles - Peter Alexander pyjama pants Yes, we're all different and at different stages of life and come from different paths, experiences etc. But I love hearing other peoples stories and by sharing my little story and a touch of hope, perhaps you'll realise how alike we all really are (despite our variations). In life and depression we're just souls, in a body, trying to find our way home.

x

[singloveandsage]

Wild Love

This time a year ago I was sitting opposite a perfect stranger, maintaining eye contact for what might as well have been fifteen years. I was being guided through a forgiveness meditation during a women's weekend retreat. This entailed locking eyes with a partner for what felt like the amount of time it takes to watch every Lord of The Rings film. My brief participation ultimately cracked me apart and changed my whole understanding of love. 

There was moi: before I made cosmic love with fellow female meditation participant and then there was moi: post infinite meditative love making. 

Having some what of a shared out of a body experience with no lead up or preparation is terrifying. The first few minutes of constant eye contact with my partner were torture. There was no where to look but directly into her unflinching dark eyes. All I could do was stare back, occasionally go cross eyed because I wasn't sure where to focus and try to relax my face. If I had been forewarned that this was going to be my fate that day I would never have got in the car and driven the two hour drive to assist my photographer boyfriend. That's why I was there, to assist my photographer boyfriend with a photo shoot. The woman running the retreat needed promotional footage and I started the day carrying a tripod. It wasn't the plan to change the course of my life by volunteering to even out numbers at a random retreat. The next thing I know I am putting the lenses, leads and caps down and leaping into the unknown with no where to run. So there I sat and there I stared. Gradually after what felt like a millennia, the sheer terror in my head finally began to quiet down. My face softened and my breathing became steady. Underneath my noisy, harsh thoughts, my walls, politeness, frustration, doubt, confusion and anxiety was… love. The warmest, silkiest, most affectionate love I've ever experienced. A tap came on like a water feature and it flooded my entire body and brought tears to my eyes. 

Love. It was all around me and inside me. Love for myself, the woman opposite me, this life, this planet. It seemed to appear out of no where or had it been there all along? Hidden. All I could do was let what ever expression wanted to come across my face, come, and continue to gaze at old mate opposite me. Soon tissues were being passed around to most of the group that were gathered for unstoppable tears. I felt butt naked, spread eagled in front of the universe, flaws, mistakes and odd shaped bits on show and no props to hide behind or make a joke with. At the same time it felt like a sea of hands were waving to me and blowing kisses, "Hello you! You made it! And you're perfect." 

Then, on top of me feeling filled with love, my meditation partner began to look more and more eye-catching. Luminous! She was totally hot when we began the exercise but half way through she began to glow. My perspective on the outside word was matching what was occurring within. 

Soon we had to visualise ourselves and our family in our partners eyes and everything became a blur. Probably because the tears in my eyes wouldn't stop erupting out of my head and the tightness in my chest was almost unbearable. I wanted to throw a fit and I was still fighting the never ending tug at my sleeve to snap out of what ever the hell this was. I ignored the tug, breathed deeply and let go. Somewhere between the different faces, mascara impairing my vision, feeling like I lost my virginity to the stranger across from me and wondering if my boyfriend was catching all of this on film, I heard a voice. It was a thundering voice that felt like it spread around the entire room, but it was definitely in my head. It sounded like me but a wiser version of me, a Shakespearian globe theatre version of me, projecting out with clarity and volume.

"I FORGIVE YOU FOR MAKING ME AFRAID ALL THE TIME." 

Was that the daughter in me confronting my Mum and Dad? Was that the real me calling out from beyond the facade? Was that the inner child in me calling out to the adult I am today? Was that the thing people reference as a "soul" yelling out at the world? 

I don't know. 

But I heard the words loud and clear and soon after, the meditation came to an end. It had been half an hour.

Once I had collected myself and the group broke for cups of herbal tea, I approached the woman running the joint. It was odd because she hadn't "made" me do anything but she had done something powerful. She held the space for all of us and invited me and every other woman there to go deeper into a moment than ever before. We were individually behind the wheel, we could go where ever we wanted to go. I chose without much consideration to Thelma and Louise off a cliff, pedal to the metal into the deep. I wanted to see for myself if the word was flat. It's not.

The woman running the retreat had empowered me without doing any of the work for me. I asked her "what are you?" She replied "I'm a life coach."

Literally a matter of weeks later I was enrolled in a course to become qualified as a Life Coach. 

I instantly wanted to deepen my knowledge and understanding of this loving space and eventually share it with the entire world. I wanted everyone to know that things are not as they appear. Love surounds us every moment of every day and is always within, waiting to be expressed. We have the capacity to love more broadly, deeply and unconditionally than first meets the eye.

So beyond what the eye can see and what the hand can touch is an experience that can only be felt. It's like coming home. To reach the experience, you have to accept the invitation, you have to give yourself the time and you have to go into the unknown. When you get there, after the severe discomfort and wrestle with your own ego, you ultimately reach the most familiar and natural state. It's the state from which we are all  created - love. 

That's why people meditate. 

I knew in an instant that day that I was always meant to be someone who holds the space for others so they can awaken to the love inside of them and surrounding them. I then realised that this enables us to love another far more profoundly, there for improve our love life immeasurably,  

As for the wise booming voice I heard mid meditation, I'll never forget it. I believe it was a message to begin my spiritual path and I haven't heard anything as crystal clear in my own head since. By forgiving in that moment the chapter of living from fear came to a close and the next phase of my life, living from a place of love began.

So here I am today, devoted to leading a romantic and creative life and to share with those who feel called to love wildly.

x

[singloveandsage]

What is this emptiness?

Last night my best friend and neighbour left a block of dark chocolate with lime zest on my door step. I had just hopped out of a bath full of epsom salts, accompanied by some tantric music and a ginger scented candle. My cheeks were flushed and my cotton pyjamas were fresh off the clothes horse and a cup of valerian root tea was brewing on the kitchen bench. I didn't believe my night could be more heavenly. I was set up on the couch with a note book and pen when the surprise chocolate appeared and when I took my first bite of the delightful treat, the burst of sweetness, tang and smooth texture sent a wave of endorphins through my limbs and uneasy mind.

I felt relief and I became flooded with a familiar feeling. 

Pleasure.

Since the start of this year, I have been focusing on what I like to call my: to-motherfucking-do list. I say mother fucking because it's aggressive and you know the type of aggressive days/weeks when you have things that need to be completed and if you don't do everything and accomplish things immediately, the whole entire planet will cave in on itself and you'll have created a black hole? You know the weeks. The weeks when you put so much pressure on yourself that without even beginning you're already a fat walrus worth of failure because you're choosing to bully yourself instead of being nice to yourself and taking one step at a time. And the voices say, do you feel ready? Well do ya, punk? You better be ready because shit needs to get done. It's all up to you because it's make or break and it all comes down to you and your mother fucking face. 

Well… me and my fucking face. You get the point. 

That's been me! Feeling the pressure, pressuring myself aggressively, aggressively striving, striving to do things and doing things to get shit done. 

When the shit gets done you feel orgasmic right?

Then, how come it can feel so meaningless? How come one second I can feel strong and fierce and the next I could crumble, pass out and get you to wake me in 2017 and we'll start again then? Fresh.

Six months ago I might have said "clearly that's self sabotage" or "that's just fear talking and we all have the nasty voices of doubt in our heads". But this has felt different. I've been feeling like there's a crack somewhere that's created a leak and I'm running out of fuel and I don't know where the nearest petrol station is. 

The new year is full of resolutions, whether you pronounce your goals and aspirations or not. We automatically get pulled into the vortex of universal consciousness and naturally see these early months as a time to kick off from the side of the pool and get as far ahead as possible as fast as we possibly can, towards whatever it is we want. More money, less sugar, more running, less wine, more sex, less Facebook, more meditation, less shopping. Everything is very active and about seeing results as quickly as possible so we know our sacrifices are worth it. We need results and we keep going, doing, striving, working and pressuring ourselves until we see something tangible. 

And when we see something tangible we should feel orgasmic right? Seriously, when do we orgasm? When do we feel overcome with pleasure and feel really good about ourselves?

Some people thrive in this mind set. This mind set and energy system is masculine. We need this mind set to logically figure out what we want and where we want to go and then we become empowered by breaking down the steps to get us there. Once we know the steps, we take action and complete each step until we are finally at our goal. This formula leads us to succeeding. I should know, I did Life Coaching!

But what exactly is happening when you burn out? Despite working towards something you supposedly want? What is happening when you're suddenly sobbing over simply running out of toilet paper? Or you begin to contemplate marrying a wealthy elderly man for his money, so you don't have to do anything of substance or importance with your own life ever again? #howverygreer

What is that feeling of emptiness?

It's an IMBALANCE!!! 

Instead of checking out, check in. I did, and I realised something along the lines of "oooh something doesn't feel right, I'm not feeling joy, I'm feeling empty."

It's an imbalance.

It's not failure, it's not being hopeless, it's not being unworthy, it's not relapsing into depression, it's not being incapable, it's not being a loser, it's not deserving to die etc. 

It's an imbalance between the masculine energy system (Doing, Getting, Seeking, Giving) and the feminine energy system (Being, Accepting, Receiving, Sharing). We all have masculine and feminine energy, men and women, it's not about a battle of the sexes. What has occurred is suppression of one energy system over the other in order to advance.

We are taught, encouraged and praised for being in our masculine because the masculine has dominated for eons. It's how wars get won, cities rise and people get rich. The masculine energy system is portrayed as strong and the feminine has been portrayed as weak. But the feminine is the place in which we refuel, restore, reflect and renew so we can continue on our mission (to eat more kale, watch less netflix). Without it, we are lacking, when we disregard the power it holds we shut down our greater capacity as a human being. We are built to incorporate both.   

Having said it's not a battle of the sexes, it is however particularly crucial for women to understand this and reclaim the feminine as power in order to fully know themselves as women and step into their full potential. 

Feminism enables women to be like men but in doing so they give away what should actual liberate them, the divine feminine. Feminine power is not weak, it's intuitive. It's the compass that can guide you out of a storm. It's creative, healing and nurturing. It's the place from which we experience pleasure, which is what all of this doing, getting, seeking, striving, aggression is targeting. We are trying with all our might to get something that will make us feel GOOD. But if we don't surrender to the divine feminine, we can't feel pleasure, we can't share the love we have within and we can't express our greatest gift to the world, our authentic self. 

Life can't be all about advancing. Yes, be productive, get active and don't sit around talking about all of your plans and ideas over coffee dates while never actually doing anything. But for those of you who are forging your way through life, through the weeks, through each day building your identity on your successes and failures, consider how you are feeling. Do you feel good? Yes? Awesome! No? When was the last time you slowed down, got still and indulged in your senses? When was the last time you experienced a pleasurable experience without expecting to gain something from it?

If you need to "get" something out of feeling pleasurable then think of it this way. Pleasure is fuel. If you fill yourself up with feeling good, doing an activity that heightens your senses and expresses your desires, you are flooded endorphins! The fuel is you feeling fabulous!

To tap into the divine and your sense of pleasure, give your self permission to be creative and allow yourself to feel. I feel pleasure when I dance alone in the lounge, sing loudly when no ones home, write in my notebook that no one will ever read, swim in rivers and the ocean (different to laps at the pool), create a bath equipped for a Goddess, drink almond chai lattes (I'm currently not drinking coffee because I'm anxious as hell, but it was an adjustment to drink a warm beverage that doesn't give you some kind of kick, instead it delights the senses.) For some people they feel pleasure wandering around an art gallery, sitting in the sun in the garden, cooking a dish they've never made before, using a film camera (there's no instant gratification with film), learning a language, telling people they're sweet enough when they don't take sugar in their tea etc. 

None of these things have a reward at the end of it, other than they feel really good while doing it. They are creative things that produce an atmosphere of love that doesn't rely on someone else giving it to you. Such as a boyfriend/girlfriend, your date, "likes" on instagram, someone replying to your texts, someone offering you a better job or giving you more money. We can create our own sense of worth by living a pleasurable life and by living a pleasurable life we refuel our sense of wellness. We can mend the cracks, fill up with joy and have more to share with the world.

Pleasure is about adding honey to the pot, not denying ourselves of bliss. Pleasure is in the moments when we exhale fully, laugh from head to toe, inhale the beauty around us or as Warren Zevon said on David Letterman before he died of lung cancer "enjoy every sandwich". 

But it's also NOT about eating the whole cake, lying in your thousand thread count sheets aaalll weekend, dropping your entire pay on retail therapy or bandaid-ing deep seeded issues with a hundred tequila shots.

Pleasure is engaging with your soul in the most simple yet profound way and in doing so, it affirms that you honour your own existence. Because when you know you are perfect in all your imperfections, and you surrender into accepting yourself and then loving who you truly are. Nothing can take that away from you. That's power. And that's the divine feminine.

So after the the dark chocolate and bath fit for a deity, I slowly sipped on my tea while scribbling away in my notebook and I finally found some space between me and my own thoughts. I came to a grand epiphany.   

No more "to do" lists filled with aggression and pressurising. I will only abide by a: to divinemotherfucking do list. Sure there will always be shit things that I gotta go and do but ultimately I want to feel good and do everything with a touch of lime zest. That way I will not only be filled with pleasure but I will feel like myself and when I'm doing things that align with my authentic self, I'm at my most powerful.

And that's orgasmic.

Divine power to you all.

x