sinnerssurvivehell

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I completly ruined my mental health just to stay with you a little longer. Don't ever question my loyalty.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I'm a very independent person. Everything I do I do with a lot of diligence. I try my best, no matter what, so that I will not need to ask aynone for help. It's easier then explain someone what's going on. Most of the times I don't even know myself. And to be honest, if I can't help myself why would someone else be able to?

That said, there are times where loneliness catches up to me. At these times I only wish for one phrase:

"I know you can handle it by youeself but let me take care of this for you"

[sinnerssurvivehell]

Was it "FOR a kiss" or was it "FROM a kiss"? Because honestly, I think a lot of shit happens after the kiss.

- Christian Yu/DPR IAN

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I have so many different thoughts right now. One moment I want to breakdown, screaming, crying and being held by someone who tells me he'll protect my soul forever. But 5 minutes after I want to tie him down, stomp my foot between his legs and make him be at my mercy.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I wanna break down so bad but I don't remember how to let it all out.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

Mood swings. A low. Bipolar?

[sinnerssurvivehell]

Am I really me right now. Cause it really feels as if my character changed immensely from one day go the other.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I have know forever that something is wrong with me. Growing up with an emotional unstable mom and an emotional unavailable dad can't leave a kid sane. But as I grew older the love for horror movies, the fascination of darkness and void...well they grew with me. I can sense my mind going into darker places, and I'm not talking about killing someone, although I always wondered if I was capable of seeing someone's life vanish from their eyes. But that's a whole nother story. The point is, I can feel the deep urge to give in to these thoughts.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I feel so jealous and abandoned everytime my partner/best friend hangs out with someone but me.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I try to enjoy every so little thing in my life, the laugh of my coworkers, the 20 second sun rays, the music on my ride home and the down pour at midnight. But the lonesomeness always catches up to me.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I did many things to get any kind of physical or emotional affection . In the end it only made me feel more lonely and pretty inferior, to the point that I'm disgusted by myself.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

I tell myself I don't need anybody, but the truth is, nobody needs me.

[sinnerssurvivehell]

For the third time this week I bought a bottle of wine to drink by myself. I took baths while drinking. I smoked while drinkig. I cried while drinking. My thoughts were focused on one thing: I need to vanish. The urge to start a new live, leave everyone behind...to ecape, is scratching on my heart leaving it to bleed. I have no sense of knowing when my heart will run out of energy.