sinretrograde

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It can be a bit difficult at times to explain how our weird little soupy subsystem exists and functions within our overall system, so to provide a bit of a visual aid, we made a quick... comic? Infographic? Whatever this is!

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Everybody talks like fictives just show up fully formed as the guy when that's not my experience at all. For us alters already exist, not like fully yet, but they are a sort of a loose bundle of trauma and experiences and alter stuff that is defiantly still an alter but has little to no sense of identity yet and therefore has an extremely difficult time speaking or letting their existence be known. Characters are like hermit crab shells these alters try on and when they find one that fits them well enough they inhabit it and introject the character and become a fictive.

And I know several others who experience it this way too, but often feel invalid because the community tends to only talk about it as if you walk in from another world. Even those who have psychological origins seem to talk about it this way? Which might be because the prominance of spiritual beliefs in the space sort of pioneering that language.

Anyways, just wanted to mention that there are different ways of doing it!

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I've become obsessed with this one reoccurring dream character* who I don't think is nessicarily a new system member, but is consistent and persistent in my dreams.

It's scary, actually...

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plurality sure is great. "i thought you loved (thing)" no actually thats another guy sorry. you have to wait 14 hours for him to show back up sorry

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question 40: do you and your sysmates have different understandings of plural experiences or plurality in general? if yes, how does it differ?

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here's a silly one:

which letter of the alphabet do you have the most names that start with it?

if the phrasing of that is confusing ill give an example: we have 5 people with J names, and 5 with M names

question 43:

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every winter solstice I am consumed with thoughts of Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost...

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VS

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When bucks fight over a deer and their antlers get tied together and they die together over it that’s. The level of morbid homoeroticism I’m trying to experience

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im no expert but this is how it works to me i think

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I did draw our system, and in fact I ONLY drew the members who felt like they had a claim.

I let them choose if they had a claim, or speak up if they so wanted. Under the new ability to let themselves label as a kintype rather than only as "alter" or "dead" allowed several of them to say, with glee even, they were parts of other members indeed.

Some kind of crisis averted, for the time being I guess!

I'd love to share the picture but it feels very private to me, even though I'm proud of what I did and our collective effort to make it concise and accurate to how we feel. I do wish I could have the boldness I see in system communities where people readily are able to share expereinces and information about themselves and freely get to be without shame or hesitation themselves.

I still hold a great deal of shame, for being plural, for having kintypes and fictives and factives, for the mere fact of existence is embarrassing enough as it is, let alone existence multiple times over.

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At this point it seems clear to me that both v-model "alters" that were present were fragments that got absorbed into other members of the system.

For lack of a better way to say it, they're more like kintypes of other members now, where they can feel more strongly during kin shifts but still have the underlying vibe of the other underneath it. If that makes sense.

Due to that, I may retire this blog, I may archive it and leave it so we can add the information and posts here to our chronological timeline of system events we keep. The journey and the points of discovery and understanding what happen with us further help us to understand things as they happen again, patterns which repeat. (Not all fictives are fragments who get absorbed as kintypes, but it seems like most are/were.)

So idk...

Last night I wrote up a big long thing and did some charting and lots and lots of introspection and meditation on the topic, allowing time for others to pip in their 2 cents. This is also a longer lasting introspective thread that's been building up even before the v-models ever arrived, however their more active involvement in possessing the body and insisting on individuality pushed us further into that line, and faster. I beleive nobody stays the same forever, and the shifting peices of our being can be difficult to pin down, if they're even supposed to be pinned down in the first place.

We've been on this journey of self discovery for over 10 years now, probably closer to 15 at this point, and each major turn has taken us so long to come to terms with due to the constant spectre of doubt we carry with us. Since around 2022, we decided it wouldn't kill us to just accept everything at face value. Any time we got even the slightest "feelings" we would just label them and let them run wild. Usually as either new alters or as existing aspects of alters. This radical acceptance rather than intense grilling of their legitimately helped us a lot, I think. The willingness to let ourselves be mistaken in favor of greasing the machine so to speak, less friction and less general hostility and antagonism right out the gate. Of course it was helpful and we've felt the best we have since.

In hindsight, of course the grilling and constant doubting hostility towards (potential) new members would cause problems and hinder actual helpful discoveries and general system cohesion. No shit. But it was something we were convinced we HAD to do. If you weren't aggressively questioning everything, then how did you know it was REAL?

This is the kind of toxic mindset we were trapped in for years and years. For all of those 10 to 15 years we had been dipping our toes into questioning our plurality, it was primarily colored with antagonistic glasses. It wasnt really until about 5 years ago that we even really attempted to be less aggressive with the questioning of our experiences in general, and woth great success. It was, of course, our punishment that we got back what we'd given all those years, and first real contact between eachother had a mix of relief and joy, but also anger and sadness at being brushed aside for so long.

I think that's why it took us a longer time to realize we had more kintypes rather than alters. Since our new method was accepting everything, newly awakened kintypes with especially strong shifts often felt like new alters. But a little to the left, something was just slightly off. Still working on recognizing that quicker.

Regardless, I now wonder if we shouldn't reorganize for a third time (or fourth idk?) It's embarrassing, we restructured our blogs to fit this new need, and it turns out the bloat from letting every little feeling give itself a name and a sideblog and all that left us feeling more overwhelmed and irritated in general. I guess I'll try and find out what I wanna do soon. Gotta come to a consensus.

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leopard moth

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Oh thats comfort .. of my gore characters /SILLY what if they all held hands and just were happy together !!

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affirmations

i am a complex organism brutally engineered by uncaring forces of nature

i am a product of billions of years and trillions of deaths

i am building a machine greater than myself

i am able to make phone calls and appointments

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Come in, babe Across these purple fields The sun has sunk behind you Across these purple fields Winter Solstice Sunrise - Android Jones, 2015