sipswithtea

[sipswithtea]

get to know me :)

fav color: blue, but specifically lighter icy blue

last song: Ave Maria - Mac Miller

last movie: Saturday Night- as a New Yorker yeah I loved it

last tv show: bar rescue- it is therapeutic to watch someone yell at people being incompetent

sweet/spicy/savory: big on spicy but also savory

last thing i googled: Saturday night cast comparisons- dash of adhd during the movie idk

current obsession: got back into building crazy elaborate stuff on sims again. also rly wanna get into making miniature stuff

looking forward to: we're moving soon, I'm excited for that. I can't drive rn due to epilepsy so I am looking forward to a change of scenery

tagged by @emiel-surreal

idk anyone to tag bc I follow no one :(

Get To Know Me

Favorite Color: big fan of the 70s color palette and Halloween colors (black/red/green/purple/orange/white)

Last Song: Watermelon by John + Jane Q. Public

Last Movie: I think it was Friday the 13th.

Last TV Show: Vox Machina

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: Savory > Spicy > sweet.

Last Thing I googled: Kingston club cocktail recipe

Current Obsession: The Ukrainian production of Caberet, the sour Shaq gummies, prana clothes, sleep token

Looking Forward To: sex, money, becoming successful. If those aren't possible, a casual ego stroke from strangers.

I was tagged by @circescircle. I tag @appalachiancowboy99.

[sipswithtea]

I’m still trying to come to terms with it

Coming to terms with my bipolar diagnosis wasn't easy, but it wasn't hard either. Because this was something I already knew about myself. Duh, I have always felt like my moods change drastically throughout the day.

I remember writing in my journal about it at 7-8 years old. That journal entry was actually one of the first (of many) entries my mom read from my (very personal & private) journal. I remember she flipped out on me & said “I can show you what a real mood swing looks like” (threatening to beat my ass essentially). After that I tried to keep those thoughts to myself, but it was always in the back of my mind.

However, I was simultaneously diagnosed with BPD. That is something I almost never tell anyone. I never really had a reason for keeping it hidden. Or maybe, I never realized if i did. I honestly don’t even really know what it truly means. I just know that personality disorders are considered the worst mental disorders from what I hear. So it’s something I still have not fully come to terms with. 

But now that I think back to my last psychiatrist & how she was not convinced I’m bipolar & she even went as far to tell me I have a lot of trauma that I need therapy for, it has me looking at things differently. I stopped seeing her pretty recently, I think back in September of this year, and switched to a different psychiatry office. I was always somehow able to accept that I have bipolar disorder. It made sense. It runs in my family. But a personality disorder, in my mind, feels like a personal attack. Like it’s all my fault. Like my brain did this to itself. 

And that’s it. This is just my life. I can’t JUST worry about the typical things that most people worry about. I also have 100 different thoughts that aren’t even MINE half the time. And the other half are another 100 thoughts, they’re just my own. 

There are moments where this is an easy pill to swallow. Where I can be rational and say “yep, this is reality. But this is what I do to make that reality bearable and worth living”. And then there are moments where it’s all just too much. Like there are so many different thoughts going through my head and it’s hard to find the good ones because my brain is being flooded. 

I’m just afraid I’m never going to fix myself. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t wanna keep apologizing and promising things I clearly cant keep. I just want to figure myself out.

[sipswithtea]

My therapist told me to start blogging

I semi recently got a new therapist. I’ve always had issues keeping therapists because I never feel comfortable enough to be honest with them. I always end up pretending I have nothing to talk about or can’t think of anything going on. It’s so much easier than having to get into all the bullshit.

So why did I go back? Well I’d have to go back to last year, when I had the fun task of having to find a new psychiatrist because I aged out of my parent’s insurance. I started the appointment the way I do with any new psychiatrist: I got straight to the point. I let her know I have bipolar and BPD, diagnosed since 2016. She tells me she’s not convinced. Mind you, this ends up being one of the longest psychiatrist appointments I’ve ever had. Those things are like 30 minutes MAX, this one was well over an hour. Being diagnosed by multiple other doctors was not convincing her. She told me she’s thinks I’m just depressed and suffered a lot of trauma, and that I need therapy.

She told me that in August 2023. I took the bait. Since I was diagnosed in 2016 I’ve had a love/hate relationship with therapy. I think I try to Pavlov myself into believing it works. But nonetheless, I decided maybe she was right. I had just gotten insurance through my job and I was finally gonna be able to see my *favorite* therapist that I had years ago before I had an insurance change. I ended up booking a session with her as soon as my insurance came through.

When I say favorite, looking back now it was definitely a Pavlov moment. She was one of my first therapists, from when I was 18-19. She probably was a really great therapist for my teenage self, because I was so detached from reality. I wasn’t nearly as self aware as I am at 26. So once again, it didn’t last very long.

I tend to talk about very superficial topics during therapy to avoid any further discussions. It’s much easier to talk about how annoyed I was at a situation than the fact that I had a meltdown down and bashed my head into a wall over it. I also hate the obvious “your childhood is the reason you’re the way you are” undertones of therapy. Like no shit. But there’s nothing to be done about it but move on. No I’m not gonna write my parents a letter. No I’m not gonna relive traumatic events in order to somehow finally move on. It all sounds like actual nonsense.

So I stopped seeing my *fave* after 3 months. I figured I’ll just stay on my meds and try to keep doing what I always do. I stayed with the psychiatrist for a few more months too. She ended up putting me on meds that I was on back in 2017. I told her that back when I was on this specific medication I experienced a lot of seizure activity. She told me since it was such a long time ago I’m probably remembering wrong. (Literally don’t know why I kept seeing her as long as I did I’m sorry) Long story short I ended up having seizure activity once again while on this medication.

That ended up being my last straw. This wasn’t just a small bump in the road. I was out of work for 8 weeks straight because I was having so many seizures. I couldn’t even stop taking the medication cold turkey because that would cause more seizures.

After I was fully weaned off of the medication I decided to find a new psychiatrist. I really tried to do my research this time so I wouldn’t end up in a similar situation. The only issue was I would have to wait almost 2 months to get an appointment.

Having both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, navigating through life unmedicated is just about impossible. I know I tried. But life doesn’t pause itself no matter what’s going on. And that’s exactly what happened. Life continued. I was out of work. I suffered a loss in the family. It was all so much.

So I caved. I went back online to look for a new therapist. This was during one of my manic episodes, so I had the energy and motivation. I read through every therapist’s bio, looked through their qualifications. I tried to look for anyone who looked like they would truly hear me. Someone who would understand that my brain is very complex but I am still a person who loves and has feelings.

After a long search I found a therapist that I feel comfortable enough to express my thoughts. I am able to recall events without feeling pitied or judged. I’m not gonna sit here and act like I’m 7 months into recovery. It’s literally been 6 weeks. But I feel like I’m heading the right direction. I have a lot of shit going on in my head but I just want more than anything to be able to function like everyone else. So I’m blogging. Something I’ve literally never done!