siriusly-smart-blog - Tumblr blog

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Hi folks. Guess who’s back.

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It’s me

can i just have a mostly-platonic sapphic girlfriend with a Scottish accent?

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tall people: if we are walking together please take into consideration my tiny legs. i cant keep up with you. please think of my tiny legs i dont want to be jogging to keep up with your leisurely stroll you TITANS

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those people who sit with you and help you rationalize all your negative thoughts and never yell or get tired and just stay with you until you feel less sad are the real angels of this world omg

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Act One Scene Five

In Harry’s office in the Ministry of Magic, even though Harry would literally never work for the Ministry apart from maybe immediately after the War to round up Death Eaters.

Zoe: Hermione, as the Minister of Magic--

Shannon: Which is completely ridiculous because, as she said, Hermione would actually like to do some good in the world.

Zoe: She would totally be an advocate for house elf and goblin rights.

Shannon: Right?

Zoe: Anyway, she’s in his office sorting out Harry’s paperwork because apparently he’s not a grown-ass man who can do this shit by himself. Harry enters, bleeding, because he still hasn’t learned to heal basic wounds.

Shannon: Harry has a Time Turner, which he apparently confiscated from Theodore Nott, which is bullshit, because they don’t exist anymore. Hermione asks if it’s an hour reversal turner instead, which isn’t a fucking thing.

Zoe: Hermione wants to keep it because it’s different to the one she had, but I don’t get why she wouldn’t destroy it because clearly, if they haven’t made any more, they shoudn’t.

Shannon: Harry apparently didn’t realise he was bleeding and Hermione a lame joke about how it’ll go with the scar. Harry asks why she’s in the office and it sounds like the start of a sex scene, even though that would NEVER HAPPEN so FUCK OFF JK and your I THINK I PAIRED RON AND HERMIONE WRONG. (never mind though because they’re still canon)

Zoe: Hermione is there to check on baby Harry’s paperwork, though this is kind of cute because it reminds us of when she did his homework at school. 

Shannon: Harry waves his wand to tidy the paperwork and apparently he ignores all this shit.

Zoe: Harry would have quit being an Auror to be a stay at home dad.

Shannon: Or possibly taken up Quidditch professionally, or teaching, because those were his skills.

Zoe: Apparently, the Potters are on a no-sugar diet now -- when did Ginny become a fad dieter? Harry tells Hermione that sugar is addictive - her parents were dentists! Ginny grew up on Molly’s food!

Shannon: Both Harry and Hermione complain that they are bad parents; Harry because Albus hates him, and Hermione because she’s so busy and sees more of her secretary than her kids. She tells Harry to go home with his family, and then come back and read his paperwork.

Zoe: Harry leaves, and he’s being super emo, but not as bad as his son.

Shannon: He apparently leaves via the telephone box, which is the visitor’s entrance, you morons, and also the code only applied on the way in.

That’s the end of scene five, and that’s us for the night. More tomorrow, probably.

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Act One, Scene Four

A transition scene - a scene about magic in a “netherworld of time” which flashed between Hogwarts, where everyone dances around Albus.

Shannon: Wait, what?

Zoe: This reads like something from a musical, which it is not. Turns out this is supposed to be representing the first three, three and half years at Hogwarts.

Shannon: Hey, you know what makes that super unclear? Trying to understand a dry play script with no scenes or props or lighting or anything that you need to make sense of a fucking play script.

Zoe: All the kids start talking about Albus in a way that literally looks like the lines that precede a song in a musical or a number in a Disney movie. “A Potter in our year!”

Shannon: ...James has literally been at the school for two years, and also what? Harry, who was famous on his own baby merits, only got that treatment for like half a day because eleven year olds don’t tend to give a shit. 

Zoe: A good point which I forgot because James is a non-entity here. Also, the Sorting Hat can walk now, and paces its way between the students. This would make sense in a musical number. Which this isn’t.

Shannon: Apparently, Rose is nervous awaiting her “fate”, because the hat executes people now. I wish it would execute her. She’s sorted into Gryffindor, even though she’s a stuck up brat whose thing seems to be believing what she’s told and focusing on her smarts, which to me suggests Ravenclaw. Hermione was a Gryffindor because of her other traits, of which Rose so far displays none.

Zoe: Rose says “thank Dumbledore”, which is apparently how they say “thank God”, which is only just fundamentally missing the point of the books, because Albus Dumbledore was not a god. He dated literal wizard Hitler! He was flawed! That was the point.

Shannon: Thank god we have wine.

Zoe: Scorpius is in Slytherin, but he clearly belongs in Hufflepuff, and anyone who says otherwise can literally fight me.

Shannon: Then it’s Albus, because alphabetical order cannot matter in this universe. He gets put into Slytherin, fundamentally destroying a plot point introduced in book one - which is the power of choice. If Albus really didn’t want to be a Slytherin, he really didn’t have to be. As his namesake said, it’s the choices that define - look at his freakin’ father.

Zoe: There’s a “perfect silence” because this is the worst thing in the universe. Everyone is super fuckin shocked because there’s a Potter in Slytherin, which is obviously the end of the fucking worrrrrrrrrrld. No Slytherin can be good ever.

Shannon: To be fair JK was always bad at practicing what she preached when it came to Slytherin. She had an easy target and she used them.

Zoe: Albus is thoroughly discombobulated, which is really weird phrasing, and goes to stand with Scorpius. Everyone starts saying “oh I guess he doesn’t look like his dad after all” because you know that makes sense.

Shannon: Rose tells Albus off, because this had nothing to do with him, and also she doesn’t belong in Gryffindor, which I already pointed out, because what the fuck.

Zoe: Suddenly we’re in a flying lesson, because meaningful character building is irrelevant.

Shannon: Rose is instantly proficient at summoning her broom into her hand because of course she is. The thing is, Harry was excellent because his father was. Neither Hermione nor Ron was particularly naturally gifted. Ron’s talent was hard earned, and Hermione didn’t have any - she could just fly like a bad driver can just drive. Meanwhile, Albus can’t get his broom up (hurr) which seems odd when both his parents were and are literal Quidditch stars, but I’m more willing to forgive that, because Ginny worked for her talent too, and Harry wasn’t good at anything else for a couple years, basically.

Zoe: They mock him some more for not being like his dad, and call him the Slytherin Squib, and nobody tells him off or reacts to it at all, not even the teacher, which, wow.

Shannon: We’re suddenly back on Platform 9 3/4 at the start of his second year. He asks his dad to stand away from him and Harry mocks him for not wanting to stand near him.

Zoe: To be fair, he is twelve.

Shannon: Daddy issues. Harry signs an autograph, and Albus whines about being the disappointing son.

Zoe: His life is so tragic. He adds that he’s SLYTHERIN as if this explains it all, because plot convenience. James appears for the first time in a year to mock Albus in an admittedly cute and relatively clever way, and then he’s gone again.

Shannon: Albus snaps that he shouldn’t be called Al, because he prefers Albus, which is lame. Harry tries to encourage him to make more friends, but Albus says he only needs Scorpius, which is gay.

Zoe: Harry says that’s fine as long as he’s happy, and I’m failing to see the conflict here. He says that Harry shouldn’t have brought him to the station, and for some reason, Harry doesn’t say “fuck you, you’re twelve”. Instead, he says he wanted to be there.

Shannon: Draco appears, wearing perfect robes and a ponytail and looking good. He asks Harry to help him out with the rumours about Scorpius’s parenthood, and explains that Astoria has Sick Mother Syndrome and he wants Harry to confirm publicly that all the time turners were destroyed in the battle at the Ministry.

Zoe: Harry refuses to help because it’ll totally blow over, which is fair but still seems a bit mean. He kind of has a point, though; he knows what rumours do.

Shannon: Rose apparently doesn’t talk to Albus at all at school because of his Slytherinness and his friendship with Scorpius, who for some some reason has a crush on her. I can absolutely see Ron’s daughter aka Arthur’s granddaughter being like this. I can see Molly not noticing this and letting it happen. These are things that I believe.

Zoe: In the Great Hall, a beaming (?) Professor McGonagall announces Rose is the next Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Scorpius applauds too, bless his little heart.

Shannon: Albus apparently hates Quidditch because he’s edgy and his dad likes it and they’re really pushing this whole paternal conflict thing, even though one of his parents is a internationally ranked Quidditch player, and it isn’t his dad, but Ginny who? 

Zoe: Scorpius says he thinks Rose is brilliant, because he’s adorable, but Albus says he knows Rose wouldn’t clap for him because he needs to get his head out of his tiny little Potter ass.

Shannon: Suddenly, Potions class. Everyone still hates Albus.

Zoe: He makes the potion explode because of course. This is a big deal and has clearly never happened to anyone before.

Shannon: Scorpius keeps his head and tries to fix it, while Albus continues to whine about how everything is ruined forever. Fast forward again, and Albus is very attractive, but tries to not be, because, like all Sues, beauty is a curse.

Zoe: At Platform 9 3/4 again, and Harry is still apparently a bad dad but I really don’t see it. He’s trying his best and just wants his son to have, like, more than one friend, and doesn’t want him to be a tiny Snape.

Shannon: Harry gives Albus his permission slip for Hogsmeade, but Albus says he hates Hogsmeade. When Harry asks how he can even know this, Albus says he hates it because it’s filled with Hogwarts students and he literally sets the parchment on fire, even though they’re on the platform in King’s Cross, which means he’s not on school grounds, which means he’s a rule breaker, and oh my fucking god, he’s banging his head against the wall and repeating angst angst angst angst because he’s feeling cranky and pubescent today and he doesn’t know why.

Zoe: He should go to Pigfarts. On the moooooooooooooooooooon. Then he complains that he didn’t expect the spell to work because he’s terrible at it, and I hate him.

Shannon: Harry sighs, and says Professor McGonagall is worried that Albus is secluding himself and surly and basically he’s worried that Albus is depressed, but Albus says Harry should cast a spell to make him a better son and I’m kind of behind him here because he’s awful.

Zoe: The shit Albus thinks Harry is complaining about isn’t even stuff Harry would care about - his magical ability, his popularity, or even his house; Harry just wants his son to be happy, because he wants to be a good dad, but Albus seems diametrically opposed to anything except pubescent wizard angst which is fundamentally unfounded.

Shannon: He goes to find Scorpius, and it turns out that Astoria is dead and Scorpius didn’t tell Albus because he didn’t know what to say. Scorpius says Albus can’t do anything except stay by his side and come to the funeral, because Scorpius’s crush on Rose is really a classic case of transference mixed in with compulsory heterosexuality when this kid is gayer than the Dumbledore in Starkid Harry Potter.

Zoe: Lily is made a Gryffindor, because she exists apparently, but only to further Albus’s middle child angst.

Shannon: Scorpius says Albus shouldn’t be surprised because Potters don’t belong in Slytherin and I’m???? Why would he say that????????

Zoe: The scene ends with him saying he didn’t choose to be Harry’s son and I call bullshit because he couldn’t have a better dad except for maybe Ron Weasley.

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Act One, Scene Three

The Hogwarts Express. Albus and Rose are trying to find a seat.

Zoe: Rose continues to be a brat by refusing to let Albus get chocolate because they need to concentrate.

Shannon: Apparently, what they need to concentrate on is who to be friends with, because she’s an elitist little shit. No, seriously. She says they get their pick of friends because everyone should love them because of their heritage, and I’m sure her grandfather Arthur would be so proud of her. Blood pride is a big Weasley trait, after all.

Zoe: Albus can’t say a sentence without stammering, and Rose tells him they have to rate all the compartments before choosing the best one.

Shannon: Oh God.

Zoe: Albus Potter cannot speak in complete sentences, and stammers once again as he meets Scorpius Malfoy and asks if they can sit with him.  I think he’s supposed to be shy, but he just comes across a bit slow. I’m reminded of Crabbe and Goyle.

Shannon: I know all y’all love Albus and Scorpius, so I assume this is where they become tiny gays. Albus trips over himself trying to introduce himself and then Scorpius can’t remember his own name and my god.

Zoe: Aggressively heterosexual Scorpius Malfoy is a cinnamon roll child and offers bitchy Rose some candy, which she scorns. Scorpius sings that his mum gave him sweets to help him make friends , then gets embarrassed. I love him.

Shannon: He’s a precious baby child! And, like, an eleven-year-old! Which is what was so good about Harry in the Philosopher’s Stone; he was believable. 

Zoe: Apparently, Ginny won’t let Al have sweets, which is bullshit.

Shannon: Also, Harry depriving his kids of anything is nonsense, what with the whole ten years of straight up abuse and the following six summers thereof. Remember the grapefruit? And the birthday cakes hidden under the floorboards?

Zoe: Exactly! And Granddad Weasley would give them ALL the Muggle sweets.

Shannon: Grandma Weasley would absolutely tell them they’re too thin and need more fudge every three seconds.

Shannon: Rose hits Albus for showing interest in the candy, because she’s a little bitch, but Albus calls her out on it. Good job. She has a bigger stick up her ass than eleven-year-old Hermione did.

Zoe: Which is saying something. Scorpius gets upset and says it’s his fault Rose is hitting Albus. Rose tells Scorpius that his parents were Death Eaters.

Shannon: Bullshit. Astoria wasn’t a Death Eater, and Malfoy barely counted. Scorpius does point this out.

Zoe: Then Rose looks away and Scorpius insists that the rumour is untrue.

Shannon: Oh boy, here we go.

Zoe: The rumour is that Draco and his father were so desperate for an heir that they used a time turner, even though they don’t exist anymore, to go back in time to get Voldemort to impregnate Astoria.

Shannon: That’s the most bizarre...

Zoe: Just you wait. We’re going to pause to add that, if you REALLY THINK HERMIONE GRANGER’S CHILD would believe SUCH BULLSHIT--

Shannon: Not to mention that for Rose to believe it, one or both of her parents must have been whispering in her ear, which just wouldn’t happen. Ron can be a little bigoted about the school rivalry shit, but he’s not going to poison his daughter in a serious way, especially since Malfoy was not a proper Death Eater - he was trapped, and Harry and Ron were fully aware of this.

Zoe: And Narcissa Malfoy saved Harry’s fucking life.

Shannon: And that. And of course, again, the WHOLE POINT for SEVEN BOOKS was “hey, aren’t these blood feuds stupid???” THIS IS THE SAME THING.

Zoe: She tries to fix the awkward by pretending she doesn’t believe it because he has a nose, which slightly breaks the tension and Scorpius is “pathetically grateful”.

Shannon: [long drawn out sigh]. Again, this line was probably way better on stage, and might have actually been funny had there been some tone to it, and with an actress who managed to portray Rose as something less than a gross bigot. You know, like when Ron got pissed off. That’s just not what I’m reading here, because a script gives you NO DIRECTION.

Zoe: Especially when the dialogue fuckin’ sucks and that’s all you have to go on.

Shannon: Scorpius says he has father-son issues but would rather be a Malfoy than the son of the Dark Lord, which is actually super adorable and Scorpius.

Zoe: Scorpius and Albus look at each other and “something passes between them” aka little underage gay sparks fly. You know, in an age-appropriate way. Because they’re eleven. And super gay.

Shannon: Rose says they should sit elsewhere, and I say “ugh”. Albus totally fobs her off, and my respect for him rises.

Zoe: Sorry, this is the high point for him.

Shannon: Don’t crush my dreams. Seriously though, as if Rose would be allowed to grow up so full of herself. Albus continues to be adorable and brushes off Scorpius’s thanks by saying he stayed for his sweets--

Zoe: By which he means his sweet ass--

Shannon: Eleven.

Zoe: I’m going to hell.

Shannon: First class, baby. So Scorpius, because the gay does not exist unless your ex boyfriend is literally wizard Hitler and turned you asexual, says he’s kind of into Rose being a bitch, though the word he uses is fierce.

Zoe: Scorpius Malfoy confirmed power bottom.

Shannon: Yes, dear. Albus says he prefers Albus to Al, because fuck his dad, right?

Zoe: Albus literally means white, but I’m going to cut this comment off. Then Scorpius screams (because he can’t hear) thanks to Albus for staying, and Albus deadpans “wow”, because if the Potter kids are anything, it’s loquacious.

Shannon: Sounds about right. The scene ends there.

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Act One, Scene Two

Platform 9 3/4, which is described as usual, with the witches and the wizards and their progeny.

Zoe: Interesting word choice. This is where the dialogue completely derails.

Shannon: Lily says “wow” and screams for her uncle Ron like she’s three instead of nine. There are three exclamation points. It’s a good time. Apparently, she’s his favourite Potter and he brings her a magic trick because she’s five and not nine.

Zoe: More like three; he’s literally playing magical got your nose. Even Rose thinks it’s lame. Hermione says “You say lame, he says glorious, I say - somewhere in between” which is the most boring and unnecessary sentences ever.

Shannon: Lily tells her uncle that he smells of porridge because that’s funny.

Zoe: A show of stellar writing.

Shannon: Apparently everyone enjoys the trick’s lameness. I am not enjoying the book’s lameness so far, but I heard this act gets better.

Zoe: Albus is complaining about other people staring, because he’s super whiny.

Shannon: He’s like fanfiction Harry.

Zoe: Hermione has apparently become the long-suffering wife, while Ron is just an idiot, which offends me. And then Rose is a brat and, unlike in the book, it is she who announces her father Confunded his driving instructor.

Shannon: Albus pulls on Harry’s robes because he clearly has incredible attachment issues and is similar in age reduction to Lily.

Zoe: I don’t believe these authors have ever met a child.

Shannon: So Harry does the whole “being in Slytherin is fine” speech which, spoilers, it’s not later, and tells him he’s named after super brave dudes, which we’re not even gonna touch because you all know already.

Zoe: He tells Albus there’s nothing to be scared of in Hogwarts, which is hilarious.

Shannon: Hurr hurr Ron wants to go back to Hogwarts for food because that is Ron’s major trait, as portrayed by every single Ron-bashing fic ever.

Zoe: Also, Ron, uh, hates school????

Shannon: Rose is apparently allowed to play Quidditch in first year, because fuck that rule, right? I’m sure this is the only canon rule this play will ever break.

Zoe: Yeah, except they seem to think she can take her O.W.Ls before her fifth year if she’s just super smart enough.

Shannon: I kind of hate Rose already. She’s just...too perfect. At least Hermione was flawed but good.

Zoe: Ron’s just portrayed as a slacker, which is really irritating, as he says he doesn’t know where Rose gets her ambition.

Shannon: Bullshit! Ron is full of ambition, his whole shtick is wanting to outshine his brothers for like seven books, remember? And then Harry? That whole inferiority complex thing?

Zoe: Ginny asks how Harry would feel if “[Albus] is...if he was?” because being in Slytherin is the WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME and she can’t even say it.

Shannon: Nice to know Ginny doesn’t have an opinion, much like she didn’t get to name any of her children.

Zoe: Ron tells Ginny that Fred and George ran a book over whether or not she’d be sorted into Slytherin, which, while pulled out of the authors’ collective asses, is probably the most believable line in the play.

Shannon: Props where props are due.

Zoe: Hermione, the Minister for Magic, wants to leave so people will stop staring at them.

Shannon: As we all know, Hermione is notoriously shy.

Zoe: Ginny says “people always look at you”, which sounds really despondent, and asks Harry if Albus will be okay, which is bizarre, because he’s the one who was worried?

Shannon: Yeah. I think this is the problem with releasing play scripts to be read. Plays are not meant to be a print medium; tone cannot be conveyed simply through dry dialogue and you end up with drippy Ginny Weasley sniffling because nobody wants to look at her.

Zoe: Instead of telling her whining son to harden the fuck up because she’s Ginny Weasley, goddammit.

Shannon: Right. I’m sure the play is fun, but what? Rowling is a novelist. If she wanted the story in print, she would have adapted it for print. Stageplays need actors and props and sets, and costumes and scenes, and an audience, and the actors respond to all these things to set the tone.

Zoe: Whereas here, we’re left with nothing to go on, which is sad because that was kind of how JK got people to love Harry so much in the first place - by getting into his head.

Shannon: I’m sure we’ll go back to this point many times, but the scene ends with Harry reassuring Ginny that it’ll all be okay for poor baby Albus. They seem unconcerned about James though.

Zoe: Yeah, they don’t really talk about James much, but more on that later,

End scene 2.

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Act 1 Scene 1

Zoe: Before we start, let me grab my copy of Deathly Hallows, because this scene picks up on the epilogue and I KNOW there are inaccuracies - if we’re gonna do this, we’ll do it right.

The scene starts at King’s Cross where the epilogue begins, on the day of Albus’s first day of term at Hogwarts. James is teasing him about possibly becoming a Slytherin.

Zoe: The very first line of the book is wrong! In the epilogue, Albus is arguing with James, but in the play, Albus is whining to Harry. And then Harry tells Albus to stop instead of Ginny??

Shannon: Interesting how Harry gets Ginny’s line. I wonder if that’s going to be a thing.

Shannon: Yep, he gets her next line too. Ginny’s definitely the person who needs her man to talk for her.

Zoe: So they tell Albus to run at the wall, which is supposed to be a throwback to the first book, which is cute but saves nothing.

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Harry Potter and the Cursed chil

Apparently sucks.

Let’s find out with @phoneticfrenetic

#shannon reads cursed child

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Tactical Denial

image / twitter / facebook / patreon

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People of the SU fandome watch this this is VERY important

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me watching the Olympics: oh wow, that was impressive!

announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

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