sithlord2064

[sithlord2064]

Humans are weird: Assassins

( Don’t forget to come see my on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord )

 The soft light of the morning dawn slowly filtered into the room through cracks between the lavish curtains. Streaks of light bounded off the polished gold detailing of the rooms furniture and made the room appear as if the very stars themselves had come to adorn themselves upon the walls. So bright were the reflections that it managed to find their way underneath several layers of bed sheets and directly into the face of ambassador Glifin.

Roused from his seemingly peaceful sleep Glifin slowly pushed off the sheets one by one and rolled to his feet. The loud thuds of his hooves touching the floor sent a shudder through the room as he stood and stretched out, his general grogginess slowly shaking off. With a loud yawn finally leaving his throat he rose and shambled over to his desk to begin his day’s work.

Tonight he was hosting a party honoring visiting royalty from his home world on Argon. The prince had decided he wanted to visit this miserable planet he had been stationed on, though why anyone would want to visit this world was beyond him.

Glifin’s posting on the human homeworld had been sold to him as a great honor but in reality it had been a means to keep him from continuing his political rise. On Argon he had been a senator whose mere whisper was enough to make generals and minor nobles quiver in fear. His star struck ascension didn’t go unnoticed however and just before he was to be elected into the office of Artock Supreme and reside over the entire senate the royal family had stepped in and given him the position of ambassador to humanity.

Within the spam of a solar month he was shipped off the throne world and sent to this backwater dump of a world; were he had to smile and feign sincerity to these miserable sacks of flesh all the while his political powerbase slowly began to crumble in the senate.

Now fully consumed by feelings of dread over his situation Glifin did not hear the sudden knock at the door. Only after several more knocks did Glifin look up from his paper work.

“Come in.”

The door slowly opened and Glifin’s aide Jafal walked in and bowed.

“My apologies for disturbing you at this early hour, but Mr. Robinson has arrived with your evening wear for tonight’s event.”

Glifin nodded and shuffled his papers back into his desk and locked it just as a new figure entered the room.

“Say what you want about Argonian fashion, but they do have such a wonderful sense of aesthetics when it comes to room decoration.”

A slim human emerged from the doorway pushing a small cart with a metal rod built in holding up two clothing bags.

“You have a problem with Argonian styles?” Glifin said as he rose to his feet and walked over to Robinson as he pulled out a tiny box device and casually threw it down on the floor. The moment of contact it sprung open and in an instance a large set of mirrors emerged from it giving an impressive view from all sides.

“Oh far be it for me to question ones culture, “ Robinson continued as he opened the first bag and stepped aside for Glifin to see the contents, “but some would consider the amount of dead mammals your people adorn on themselves to be a tad morbid.”

From the corner of his eye Glifin saw Jafal’s face redden from anger but with a motion from his ambassador kept his tongue still.

“I would find it surprising for a human to find anything morbid with the amount of toxins you willingly consume.”

Robinson flashed a brief smile and shrugged. “You do have me there; personally caffeine will most likely be the end of me one day, but we’re not here to talk about my eventual demise.”

“An end that will come much sooner if you continue to waste my time with idle chatter.”

Humanities incessant need for small talk and idle conversation was something Glifin had never come to terms with; and this human fashion designer was by far the worst example he had ever put up with. Part of him viewed it as a challenge to see how long he could endure before snapping the tiny man’s neck, and though such a moment would no doubt bring him great pleasure the other part of him realized that Robinsons work was well regarded among prominent members of society. Not just with other humans, but with other alien dignitaries who had embassies on the human homeworld. It had been surprisingly an ambassador from the Hive that had recommended the human’s services when it was suggested that Glifin update his style to match his new role.

Walking up to the first black bag that Robinson had opened Glifin inspected the wardrobe.

Inside was a finely trimmed suit of Rygonian Leaper fur of a dark blue with a sash of Haponi tongue and a dashing pair of pants metal grey Roller Worm hide.

It was custom in Argonian culture to wear the skin of that which you have killed, thus the outfit before him was a prime example Glifin’s traditions.

“A fine work indeed,” Glifin said as he ran his fingers across the material, feeling the roughness against his skin. “For a human” he finished as he turned and smirked at Robinson.

“With the effort it took to obtain the materials you requested I would say it is nothing less than an example a miracle performed before your very eyes.”

Glifin stopped his examination of the attire and looked at the human. “For a miracle you sound so…displeased with your work.”

Robinson crossed his arms for a moment and pouted as if considering his next words.

“My work is perfection, I can assure you, but a man in my trade is not just meant to listen to the specifications of their client but their intention as well.”

“And your point?” Glifin queried.

After a moment he outstretched his hand and casually gestured to the Argonian clothing. “Is this really the message you want to be sending?”

Glifin looked at the suit again then back at Robinson. “I don’t understand.”

“If you go to the event dressed like this it will send the message that you still value your traditions, but I worry that it shows a disconnect with your current situation; almost as if you are attempting to relive the past.”

“You would appear as an old war hero trapped in past glories that the other guests would acknowledge, but not make to engage in conversation.”

Glifin opened to rebuke the human but stopped himself as he pondered the man’s words. Robinson stepped forward to the other black case. “Now this,” Robinson said as he slowly pulled down the zipper revealing the contents, “this would make you not only the talk of the party, but would make you the talk of the after party all the way back to your homeworld were many people would no doubt be very much interested in your on goings.”

“Each piece has been designed by some of the most dangerous animals on this planet, and in some cases far more ravenous then anything back on your respectable homeworld.”

Robinson went about and pointed out the specific materials used one by one.

“The body is made from a powerful species that inhabits the various swamps and wetlands around the globe with jaws so powerful they could cut you in two with a single bite.”

“Each of the buttons along the coat are the fangs of the most poisonous reptilian creatures on the planet; each one capable of killing a human let alone an Argonia ten times over with a single drop of their venom.”

“Now the pants I am particularly proud of as they are the skin of the deadliest hunter of all the planets seas. They can smell fresh blood from miles away and commonly take on prey twice their size.”

Gliffin heard Robinson go through the list of creatures but his expression remained emotionless.

“Why would these creatures be any more interesting than my own worlds?”

Robinson smiled. “Because everyone from your world already knows about them and have hunted the same creatures for generations. Yet I would be so bold as to wager my humble shop that none of them have ever faced down the black eyed stare of a great white shark, nor wrestled the deadly crocodile demons of the swamps, and most certainly have been quick enough to pluck out the teeth of rattle snakes just as they lunge to strike.”

“Neither have I,” Gliffin said with a hint of disgust in his tone, “and you would make a liar out of me for saying so.”

“My dear ambassador, who but you could say what you do or don’t in your free time?”

Robinson leaned forward and whispered into Gliffin’s ear “I am no doubt sure many of your females would find the idea of a striking Argonian such as yourself sneaking off to go hunting the unknown for sport a rather attractive quality.”

Glifin looked at the new set of clothing and then back at the original set of traditional clothes. He went back and forth for several moments before finally settling his gaze on the traditional garments.

“Take these away.”

_______________________________________

The lights outside Robinson’s humble shop slowly went off one by one as he walked between the displays straightening out garments and folding tossed aside pieces customers had casually put aside when the door rang.

“I’m sorry but we are closed for the night.” Robinson said as he returned behind the counter with a stack of clothes.

The figure slowly approached the counter and took off their hat. Robinson looked up from the register to see the figure was a Rohanan; a species known for its gel like appearance yet could collect random bits and bobs to create a sudo skeleton and present themselves as humanoid.

“That’s alright,” the Rohanan said, “I am here to pay for a set I ordered for a….friend.”

“Then they are most fortunate to have a friend such as you then.”

Robinson’s smiling nature unnerved the Rohanan but nonetheless they placed a small envelope on the table and slid it across. Robinson placed a hand on it and tapped his fingers several times against the contents inside before opening it and spilling the credit chips on to the table.

“Is it satisfactory?” the Rohanan said, their nervousness building as the human finished counting the chips.

“Oh yes indeed; I believe you have paid in full for your order.” With a swipe of his hand the human pushed the chips back into the envelope and sealed it. “Always a pleasure to deal with such an honest and upstanding man such as yourself during such troubling times.”

Robinson leaned in towards the Rohanan, his expression shifting from smiling to one of mild concern. “I heard there was a most unfortunate incident up at the Argonian embassy several nights ago.”

“Several guests including the visiting prince and ambassador himself all died from poisoning.” The Rohanan confirmed.

“How gruesome!” Robinson said as he recoiled in shock and finished putting away the remaining clothes while he talked over his shoulder.

The Rohanan regarded the human for a moment before continuing. “The strangest thing was that the poison was not native to this world, but is most common in the Hagar system under Dovorian rule.”

“A most embarrassing situation I am sure considering the Dovorian and Argonian people despise each other.”

“Indeed; one might wonder how such a toxin came into contact with them.”

Robinson shrugged and turned as he finished placing the final shirt back into the display. “With all of those fangs, bones, and animal skins I would not be surprised if someone grabbed a tooth or two that hadn’t been fully drained of its contents.”

The Rohanan laughed and placed their hat back on their head just as they stopped at the door.

“You were worth every penny, assassin.”

“An assassin you say?” Robinson’s smile returned and he casually waved to the departing customer “You must have me mistaken for someone else, as I am but a simple tailor.”

[sithlord2064]

Te’von’s Reckoning

Trevor (looking at phone): HA, hey Te’von you have to see this meme.

Te’von: what is a meme?

Trevor: their funny images that people share on the internet.

Te’von: ah I see.

Trevor: wait I thought you studied human cultures, how do you not know about memes.

Te’von: it was an optional study that found unimportant and didn’t research the topic.

Trevor: so aside from what I just told you you have no idea about memes?

Te’von: yes exactly.

Trevor: so you have no idea about the joe who got up dog in his ligma after touching deez?

Te’von: ok several questions. Who’s joe, what is up dog, what’s a ligma And what are deez?

Trevor: (inhales)



[sithlord2064]

Fic idea I was struck with the other day and keep thinking about: a Vulcan adopts a cat.

[sithlord2064]

Robert E. Lee himself refused to wear his confederate uniform after the confederacy’s defeat in the American civil war. At his funeral he was not buried in it and no one in attendance was permitted to wear theirs either. He also declared that his confederate battle flag (what we now call “the confederate flag”) never be raised again and that it was a flag of treason.

So there’s your “southern heritage.”

[sithlord2064]

A very subtle rogue

*party had to break into a bank to steal a safety deposit box*

Rogue: Hello, I would like to open up an account

Teller: okay, can i get your name and whether this will be a business account or a private account?

Rogue: Sure, my name is Robert Indie Banks

DM OOC after a beat of silence: Are you fucking using Rob Indie Banks as an alias for a character whose going to be robbing the bank?

[sithlord2064]

Kink-Shamed to Death

Context: The party is in the underdark and we are currently fighting an illithid. I play a 2.5 ft tall gnomic bard who is generally quite soft-spoken despite being a bard. At this point the DM has already noted that the illithid is looking pretty rough.

Me (OOC): I cast Vicious Mockery.

DM: Okay, what do you say?

Me (OOC): I stand up as tall as I can, put my hands on my hips, and shout.

Me: “No one actually likes tentacle porn, they only look at it because its fucking weird!”

DM: (Holding back chuckles) Okay, roll damage.

I roll 10 damage (3d4)

DM: (Laughing his ass off) So, your tiny gnome self steps up to the illithid, looking sassy, and shouts louder than any of your party members have ever heard. He looks a bit distraught for a second, and falls to his knees. Congrats. You just kink-shamed the mind-flayer to death.

[sithlord2064]

There are several mount skins I really, really love. And I would willingly shell out some of my hard earned money if I had the opportunity to purchase very specific skins. Because they are awesome, and I NEED a Shiba Inu in GW2. But, with that said, I will not spend that self same hard earned money on RNG. In the past, I've been able to select content I specifically want in the gem shop, without having to worry about RNG. Such as the Viper's Medium Armor Skin. Had I been forced to buy an RNG Loot box, I wouldn't have purchased that skin at all.

It's not that I don't want to spend the money. I just don't think RNG should play a role in that decision. Unless they had been added to the BL Chest, and I'd have been okay with that.

Mount Adoption License Feedback

I wanted to let you all know that we’re listening to and compiling your feedback about the Mount Adoption License.

A few points:

I’m reading threads, but if you’d like to make individual posts outlining your feedback and tag @guildwars2, that’s an easy way for me to find them.

Specific, detailed feedback about what you like and dislike is always valuable.

There’s a thread specifically for feedback on the official forums if you’d prefer to post there.

You can send me a DM, ask, or submission if you feel uncomfortable posting publicly; I may not be able to respond, but I promise you they’ll be read and collected! (.___.)/

I can answer questions about how the license works, but I won’t be able to answer broader design questions (this is pretty much always the case).

I know that some people are upset, but please know that all of us want to communicate with you and listen to your feedback in good faith. I’m not ever going to engage with abusive language or insults toward my coworkers.

[sithlord2064]

When he said he was a god, I'd laughed at him initially. I mean, okay, the sex was divine. And he always seemed to know what was going to happen before it did, but I had an aunt like that once, and I just chalked it up to coincidence, luck, or just some crazy precognition. Of course, there was also the thing where we never went to his place, but always to mine. He seemed to have a new excuse every time I asked to see his place. The heater was broken, or the landlord was putting in new countertops and his place was a mess. But this is the city! Things like that happen all the time!

But now, I don't know what to believe. See, it started like this:

So, Alex told me to dress nicely because he wanted to go out to a fancy restaurant on a date. I was all for that! It'd been a long time since we'd gone out on a fancy dinner date to an upscale restaurant. Some place where there weren't paper napkins and t-shirts or jeans were definitely not allowed. I had bought a new dress just a few days earlier, and I was looking forward to getting all dolled up and having a romantic night on the town. I usually hated putting on makeup, but this was a special occasion.

The restaurant itself was exquisite. I couldn't begin to imagine how he could afford to eat in such a place, but I felt radiant in my slinky black dress, and he looked positively ravishing in his suit. He really cleaned up well! I was so used to seeing him in ratty old clothes and shoes that were just on this side of falling apart. Now, though. He looked amazing, and I fell in love with him anew.

The food was heavenly, and I knew I'd never forget it for as long as I lived. The most delicious steak, and a buttery lobster that felt like it melted onto my tongue and exploded in flavors I'd never tasted before, or since. And the wine! He bought us a 300 dollar bottle of Merlot that tasted like the finest Ambrosia from Mount Olympus itself.

As our plates were being cleared, Alex looked deep into my eyes, like he was staring into my soul. I stared right back at him. I loved his eyes, a soft brown color akin to a cup of hot chocolate and just as warm. He placed his hands on mine, grasping them lightly and caressing the back of both hands with his thumbs. "Charlotte. Have I told you lately that I love you?"

I smiled and nodded. Every day we'd been together. And I wasn't about to get sick of hearing it, either. "That doesn't mean that it doesn't bear constant repetition, Alex," I replied with a giggle.

"I'm glad to hear that," Alex said, his face with that mock serious look he used whenever he wanted me to take him seriously. "I brought you here tonight because... I can't stay. I've been called back home, and I can't ignore that summons. Zeus has no patience for gods who can't obey his orders. But..."

"I'm sorry, Alex. But, did you say Zeus? As in, Greek mythology Zeus? And gods? Are you feeling alright? Have you had too much wine to drink? Because you're not making any sense."

"Charlotte, I've been harboring a deep secret from you. You see, my name is not Alex. I wasn't born here in New York, or even in the United States. My home is a atop a mountain in what you call Greece."

This was getting to be too much. A god? And a Greek one, at that? How gullible did Alex think I was? I couldn't help but laugh at him and how ridiculous he was sounding. "Okay, Alex. Ha ha. Very funny. Is it April? Did I sleep through all of winter already? Come on, now. Let's be serious."

Unbelievably, his voice began to change. It was slow, and barely perceptible at first. But, the more he spoke, the more I started to hear an echo evident in his voice. "I am not lying to you, Charlotte. I am one of the many gods who make their home on Olympus. Zeus is my father. I was born many thousands of years ago, before man ever walked the earth. My name is Janus."

I shuddered as I remembered my Greek mythology. Janus, God of choices, doorways, and beginnings. He was always depicted with 2 faces, both facing away from one another so it appeared that he could look in 2 different directions at once. A gift given to him by Saturn when he offered sanctuary to Saturn in Italy after the Titan war. It was said that he frequently posed as a doorman in New York City... A door...

"Alex? You're scaring me. You can't... I mean... We.... Oh.. My... God..." I said, realization blossoming inside as I began to understand that everything he was saying was probably true. Still, it was a lot to swallow in one bite. "Why are you telling me this, Alex? I mean, why now? I thought things were going well between us? And now... A god? I mean, what else do you wanna tell me? That your sisters are gods, too?"

"Goddesses. And yes, they are. Believe it or not, Charlotte, I am Janus. And... I have to say this is . I've grown to love you, Charlotte. More than I ever thought I could. And I realize that I can't live without you. But I can't stay here. I have to return home to Olympus."

It was too much, too fast. How could he be a god? He was just... Alex! The man she'd met one day while trying to decide whether or not to quit her job. He'd helped her by talking with her and she made her decision because of his recommendation. I mean, it was odd to take advice from her doorman...

"Doorman! Oh my GOD! Alex? Are... You... This is real? You're really a god?" I couldn't hold in my outburst. If it was true (and I still wasn't sure about that) then that meant I had been sleeping with a god for the last few months!

"Yes, Charlotte. I am. And I want you to come and live with me on Olympus. I can't bear to leave you behind, and I want to be with you. Forever."

I almost shrieked in glee. It sounded so much like Alex was proposing to me, but what he was proposing was so much more than marriage. I'd have gladly accepted THAT proposal. But this? To live on Olympus amid the gods and goddesses of the old days? How could I pass that up? If he was telling the truth, that is. If he was lying to me... Heaven and Earth wouldn't be able to protect him from my Wrath.

"Oh, Alex. How could I let you? Of course I'll come with you!" I took his hand once more, as he'd let mine go in fear that I'd reject him. Or something like that.

"Before you decide, Charlotte, you need to understand. No mortal can set foot on Olympus without losing their wits. In order for you to join me, I have to bestow immortality upon you. And that is a choice best made of sound mind and judgment. Do you join me in Olympus, you can never return to this life. You will be a goddess yourself, with all the responsibilities that come with. You can never leave Olympus again."

I waved that thought away with my hand, as if that simple gesture was enough to push aside those concerns. "Alex. If it means I can be with you for the rest of eternity... Well, how could I say no to that? I love you, and I will follow you to the ends of the earth, if I have to. Mount Olympus can't be that bad!" I smiled at Alex again, squeezing his hand and staring into his eyes. I was looking to see if there was any doubt or deceit there. But I couldn't find any there. As far as I could tell, he was sincere.

With a nod, he dropped a sizable amount of money onto the table and took my hand. "Come. Let's go to the roof. It'll be easier there." I didn't know what that meant, but I trusted Alex. He'd proven himself worthy of that trust in the past, and if I was uncertain now, I had to listen to that trust and allow him to lead me to wherever he was going. And that, apparently, was up a flight of stairs, into an elevator, and up one more flight of stairs until we were standing on the observation deck of a skyscraper in lower Manhattan. It was a cool November evening, but I'd remembered to bring a jacket and was wearing it now. It helped cut down the biting wind blowing in from the bay.

"Take my hand, Charlotte, and close your eyes. Listen to my voice and find your center." I didn't know what that meant, but I did what I was asked. With my eyes closed, I focused on searching my memory for everything that reminded me of myself. Every memory of my youth, and of my time in the city. When I graduated from college and took an internship at a broker's office. When I stood in Times Square and counted down the seconds to the new year. The day I met Alex.

The wind died down suddenly, and Alex began speaking a language I didn't quite understand. It sounded... Hauntingly beautiful, the echo in his voice more pronounced than ever, and I felt a warmth growing in my chest. Impossibly, I felt the wind begin anew, only this time, it was a hot, dry wind instead of a cold, moist one. My head began to spin, and I felt like I was about to pass out. And then, with a loud, echoing clap, everything stopped. The warmth in my chest was gone, as was the wind that had buffeted me. In fact, I couldn't feel anything weather wise anymore. I wasn't cold anymore, and I wasn't warm.

"Open your eyes, Charlotte, and take in the majesty that is Olympus." Alex's voice was a whisper in my ears, his breath absent from my skin, defying my expectations. Slowly, I opened my eyes and gasped loudly. I was in a vast palace, its walls covered in gold and jewels. The ceiling stretched high above me, coming to a point far above me and appearing not unlike many of the old cathedrals I'd seen in pictures from places like England or France. It was breathtakingly stunning, and I felt tears welling in my eyes at the exquisite beauty of the palace. There were no windows I could see, but it appeared that we were in some kind of anteroom or foyer that led into the palace proper. Maybe they were farther in. "Come with me. I'll shoe you to your quarters. I have to report to Zeus."

I followed Alex... Janus... Whoever he was. He led me down a series of hallways and past rooms more numerous than I'd imagined. Until he came to a door and stopped. "These are your quarters. I will come for you later." And Alex walked away, headed for whatever meeting he was late for. I grabbed the twin door handles, surprised to find that they were neither cold, nor hot. Slowly, I opened the doors to my new home and stopped short. Inside, there were no less than 6 other women, of various ages and ethnicities, sitting and smiling in my direction.

"Welcome, sister, to the harem of Janus. We're so glad to see you. We've been expecting you."

That son of a bitch....

A god fell in love with a mortal woman. “I cannot bear to live without you,” he told her, “so I will grant you immortality.” So he made her a goddess and took her to dwell with him in the realm of the gods, where she met all the other women he couldn’t bear to live without.