sitiaisyahwrites

[sitiaisyahwrites]

vitamin sea

A few years back, when I was stressed after an entire week of mentally exhausting exams, my friends proposed an impromptu trip to the beach to clear our heads of grades, exams and all the other matters that were now completely out of our hands. “Pack your bags.” Shanorma told me, her eyes filled with excitement and mischief. “We’re leaving before first light.” There was truly no sight more beautiful than that of the dawn breaking in the horizon beyond the beach. The dull, beige colour of the midnight beach was drenched in a sunrise-gold glow, as pillars of heaven-spilling sunlight illuminated the dome of the golden beach, signalling the start of the new day. The soft white sand starting glinting with little sparkles, as though faeries had come out to play during at night, and had spilled their twinkling fairy dust for fortunate travellers to discover. The waves of the aquamarine-blue sea were gently rippling against the beach, swirling with seashells, carrying tales of the sirens within it’s sea-song. No longer able to resist the tantalizing allure of the beach any longer, we quickly parked the car and clambered down onto the beach, feeling the sugar-soft sand underneath our scarred feet. We looked up the large expanse of the paradise-blue sky above with its fluffy white clouds, seeming so pillow soft that even Apollo would not be able to resist to caress it’s silky smooth texture. The sound of birds “ the whiff of the salty air as soon as the windows rolled down brought much excitement and smiles all around the sand felt soft against my skin shining like butter-gold decorated with seashells and sandcastles made the beauty multiplied tenfold ” I sat on the flax-gold beach while my friends swam in the warm salty ocean. The sun toasted our skin and the sea air smelled and tasted of pure salt. The sight of my friends reminded me of the grace of the little mermaid, unleashed into a whole new world and thriving, despite pain the fact that it would only be temporary. The waves were creasing and causing swirls in the serene sea, lightly nudged my friends closer and closer to the beach, to where we all started. As I looked around the beach, perma-tanned tourists walked about, skin burned to a walnut-brown by the scorching red afternoon sun. Most of them moved with the languid and louche air of the ‘nouveau riche’, like panthers in slow-motion. They were here to chillax in this rapture-blue gateway of paradise. “ the water glittered under the sun spread as wide as the eye can see the waves softly creasing and gurgling hiding it’s secrets in depths below children were building majestic castles tourists strolled by with tans kites were flapping left and right and youngsters surfing like superman” As the sun started to set below the horizon, our serenity has come to an end. Our footprints in the sand followed us all the way to the car, like the shades following the living in the land of Hades, threatening to pull us back in to it’s beauty but we resisted. The Heavens hideaway had been a transcendental experience, an uncommon occurrence born out of the beauty of spontaneous actions. We resolved to do it again in the near future, to return to the place where the sand sparkled like tiny diamonds of fire, and with skies so ever blue, as though falling into clear blue nothingness. “ unwinding under a luminol-blue sky on this heavens hideaway absorbing all the vitamin sea will come back again some day  “

[sitiaisyahwrites]

Point Danger & Movie World

Getting off of the plane when we landed at Gold Coast Airport was a very visceral experience. There was just something about the air that even your body could feel that you were in a whole different place Gone was the hot and humid tropical weather that was the norm in South East Asian countries, and in its place was the searing hot and relatively dry weather that was commonly associated with Australia. When we arrived, the sun was scorching hot, the temperature around 27 degrees Celsius.

After landing, we were picked up by our local Australian hosts and were given the keys to our rental cars. The first place we headed to was Point Danger in Coolangatta, a scenic lookout point on a large hill overlooking the sea for a quick picnic slash early dinner. The view from the top of the hill was breathtaking, with its large expense of rolling hills covered in paradise-green grass facing the alpine-blue sea with its walloping waves crashing onto the sands of Duranbah Beach.

The winds on Point Danger were cool and pleasant yet strong, to the point where we needed to hold down our hijabs to stop them from continuously flying in the wind. The temperature was much colder up on the Point and despite the sun shining directly overhead, my family still had to bundle up in jackets to stave off the chill.

Standing proud on the top Point Danger stood the Point Danger lighthouse with it’s tall, modernistic white walls, also doubling as the Captain Cook Memorial. The lighthouse is used to indicate the border between the states of New South Wales and Queensland, that has two different time zones. Dozens of tourist line up to stand between the line indicating the borders and taking pictures in the almost sci-fi-like area where you get to literally travel between the future and the past with a simple small step and to be in two places at once at the same time.

The next day, we all journeyed to Warner Bros. Movie World, one of the many theme parks that can be found in the Gold Coast area, though this specific park was located in Oxenford region. The theme park featured some of Warner Bros. most popular movie properties such as DC Comics themed park rides and rollercoasters, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory themed candy shop and Harry Potter themed merchandise stores.

We arrived relatively early, intending to beat the crowds but the lines of people queuing and waiting for the park to open were already insanely long. When we finally stepped through the gates of the theme park, we were struck in awe at how large the park really was, as it stretched as far as the eye could see with the tall and scary-looking theme park rides with varying themes and structures drawing the most attention.

We first headed towards the Main Street area that was shaded by expansive white domed roofs that was closest to the entrance of the park. The street was surrounded by various movie-themed restaurants, cartoon-themed buildings and concession stands, several popular chain stores such as Ben & Jerry’s and the most impressive of them all was the theatre with its bright neon signs and lightbulbs, reminiscent to what a movie theatre would look like back in the 1960s.

We visited a lot of the park’s attractions, taking turns to go on exhilarating roller coasters and other rides – though it had to be noted that most of the attractions seemed to be DC Comics themed. Certain examples of the rides include One of the most notable rides include the Arkham Asylum roller coaster, designed to look like a shabby, vandalized mental asylum as it was portrayed in the comics. The ride was also quite frightening, as the tracks were designed to look very lopsided and poorly constructed to fit the theme of the ride, which instilled even more fear into the riders.

Movie World also has a lot of photo spots with statues of popular characters and aesthetic photo spaces sprinkled all over the park for those interested in getting Instagram-worthy pics to post on social media later. Though, you have to pay at certain popular photo spots such as in front of a statue of Batman in front of the Batmobile, the average costs being 10 AUD for a phone picture and 30 AUD for professional prints by a nearby photographer.

One of the theme park’s biggest highlights was the big parade held at Main Street during the afternoon. Park employees dressed as characters from different Warner Bros. properties flooded the Main Street in floats and on foot, interacting with the children and taking multiple pictures with the park goers. Fan favourite characters such as Batman and Justice League as well as the Joker and Harley Quinn had dozens queueing to take pictures with them, though we avoided the ones that required is to pay because 30 AUD is far too expensive for just a simple photograph, especially for a Malaysian tourist.

Because of the lack of affordable halal food options at the park, we decided to pack our own lunch cooked of noodles and fried chicken that we cooked at the homestay we were staying in University Village. There are prayer rooms provided in the park that make it easier for Muslim travellers to perform their prayer. We also decided to treat ourselves with a scoop of Rocky Road’s ice cream from the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shop that was also previously halal certified as well.

[sitiaisyahwrites]

Betty’s Burgers & Concrete Co.

In the heart of the Robina Town Centre in Gold Coast, Australia, lies a classic, crowd favourite burger shack that is renowned for their tender, juicy burgers and their frozen custard ice cream desert – Betty’s Burgers & Concrete Co.

With its polished wooden furniture, white panel walls, decorative ceiling plants and fairy lights, Betty’s Burgers radiates the ambience of a classic 1950s restaurant with a modern aesthetic twist. When customers order at the counter, they are greeted with the sight of the employees in the customary white shirt and light blue apron uniform, as well as a glimpse into the kitchen that doubles as cashier counter decorated with red and white checkered tile walls, giving it that classic 1950s diner look.

This particular outlet of Betty’s Burgers is located in the middle of the Robina Town Centre mall, which is a popular shopping district in the Gold Coast area. It’s located right next to Cole’s department store, making it a popular eating spot for hungry shoppers. However, it’s quite some distance away from the main entrance of the mall so be prepared for a short walk.

Betty’s Burgers is also a convenient eating destination for Muslim tourists as the restaurant’s chicken and beef suppliers are halal certified, and employees will thoroughly clean the grills and equipment used during food preparation upon request. Compared to the other food options existing in the Robina Town Centre, the food at Betty’s Burgers is not only halal but also fairly cheap which should put the minds of Muslim diners at ease.

There are over 10 types of burgers and 6 types of concrete custards available on the menu, though their speciality lies in their famous burgers – particularly the Shroom Burger and the Crispy Chicken Supreme burger.

The Shroom Burger is a twist on their Betty’s Classic Burger, replacing the traditional Angus beef patty with a crispy fried Portabello mushroom patty The mushroom patty that was stuffed with marinated breading and deep-fried in oil results in an extremely savoury and juicy patty, that bursts with an explosion of flavour and dripping juices the moment you bite into it. The burger is paired with Gouda and Gruyere cheese, contrasting the burger’s juicy almost-meaty tenderness with a slightly fruity taste. The freshly crisp lettuce adds to the texture of the burger, giving it that extra crisp factor as wells as adding some acidity to the flavour. To top it all off, the burger is served with a helping of Betty’s Special sauce made from a mixture of mayonnaise, Thousand Islands dressing and sweet pickle relish. The sour and saltiness of sauce round off all the flavours to complete the perfect bite of the burger. The Shroom Burger is a great alternative for those who are trying to cut back on red meat or are tired of traditional meaty burgers but still crave that juicy tenderness.

The Crispy Chicken Supreme is the restaurant’s second most popular burger amongst the customers. The burger consists of a patty-sized fried chicken cooked and fried in traditional Southern-American style seasoned batter and spices. Compared to the fried chicken traditionally found in Malaysia, the fried skin coating on the exterior of the chicken is much crispier, though the meat of the chicken still remains very juicy and is fall-apart tender, giving it a very good and contrasting mouthfeel. The burger is paired with the traditional cheese, lettuce and tomato combination and also with crispy, salty bacon strips – though I had to opt-out on this ingredient due to my religion’s food restriction. Though our local Australian host who was showing us around town verified the bacon as being top-quality. Served with Betty’s Special sauce, the sauce completes the unique Betty’s Burger experience with its slightly tangy saltiness.

The Shroom Burger costs 14 AUD while the Crispy Chicken Supreme is slightly more expensive at 15 AUD. Though it should be noted that these burgers are specialities and signature dishes, therefore much more expensive than the traditional burgers on the menu such as the Betty’s Classic burger which is priced much lower at only 10.50 AUD.

All in all, these are some of the best burgers I’ve tasted and certainly the best tasting Muslim-friendly foods in the Gold Coast area that I’ve tasted so far. Certainly, a must-visit food spot for Muslim travellers looking for an affordable and delicious food option for a quick bite.

[sitiaisyahwrites]

Of Frogs and First Loves

# Based on an actual real-life experience.

I was 8 years old in the Spring of 2006 when I first discovered my first love. We were in primary school and at the awkward stage where little boys and girls were beginning to see members of the opposite sex as more than just playmates and starting to notice the inherent differences between us.

Girls would group together and talk in hushed whispers, occasionally erupting into fits of giggles or blushing as they threw glances at the boys on the other side of class. The boys were still pretty slow on the uptake and were still quite immature, but I’ve seen a couple of them start to straighten out, dressing a lot neater in their school uniforms and actually making an effort at taming their unruly hairs.

It was a time of innocence and childish excitement. A time where complicated divides such as race, religion and politics didn’t exist between us. A time where we were free to be who we wanted to be, and we could like whoever we wanted to without having to consider anything else other than our own growing feelings.

On one particular day, I remember how the sun was a dazzling circle of gold in the clear blue skies, shining brightly down on the grass of the parsley-green school field. I remember basking in the rays of the sun, enjoying the feel of the velvet soft grass and soft windy breeze as I watched my laughing and screaming classmates who were embroiled in what I can only assume as a very intense game of tag.

It was recess time and a handful of my classmates decided that they’d like to spend the last 10 minutes of our short break outside, so we all decided to head to one of the smaller school fields to play together.

Usually, I would be among the other kids who were running around and chasing one another but I was in a particularly foul mood that afternoon. I had just gotten reprimanded for my behaviour by my form teacher in front of everyone in class earlier and was in no mood to enjoy myself. At the same time, I didn’t want to seem like a baby about the situation to my friends so I decided to follow them to the field and sulk on my own.

I closed my eyes to bask in the feeling of the sun of my second for what seemed like only a minute before I felt the sunlight being suddenly blocked.

Frowning, I opened my eyes to see the mischievous grin on Tan Jun Kook’s face as he towered over me.

“What do you want, Jun Kook?” I grumbled as he took a seat next to me.

“You missed out on the game, Aisyah.” Jun Kook said indignantly. “You never miss out on a game.”

I sniffed. “Maybe I just didn’t feel like playing today.”

He made a face at me as if he didn’t believe me for a second but I ignored him and quickly looked away, hoping that he wouldn’t notice the blush on my cheeks.

I considered Tan Jun Kook as one of my closest friends ever since he first came up to me in class when I first transferred in earlier this year. I was never the most talkative of children, especially considering the fact that my very Malay parents had enrolled me in a Mandarin-speaking primary school where I had only a very basic and rudimentary grasp of the foreign language. Despite that, he still managed to break through my shell pretty quickly, asking me to play hopscotch during our break and introducing me to the rest of the other kids in class.

Jun Kook was very charismatic and he knew it. He got along with everyone, and even the teachers loved him. There was just about that charming grin and his way with words that had everyone eating out of the palm of his hand. I always admired that about him.

But lately, I’ve started to notice that my admiration towards him seemed to become more than just a simple feeling between good friends. Though, I would never admit it out loud back then.

“That’s a lie. You always play.” Jun Kook argued, poking me in my side. “Come on there’s still a bit of time left. I know you really like to win and Hidayah really sucks at being ‘it’”.

“I can’t. Miss Huang already scolded me earlier. If she sees me running around, she’ll get even madder and I’ll get into more trouble!” I whined, nervously tugging on the skirt of my black pinafore.

There was no one in school that scared me most than our strict Chinese Language teacher, Miss Huang, who also had the thickest cane among all the teachers and carried it around with her at all times.

Jun Kook looked at me curiously. “What did you even do anyway? She only said that you were being naughty and disobedient.”

I looked down at my white Pallas shoes sheepishly. “She caught me trying to catch baby frogs near the water tank behind the school building yesterday. I was only curious because I’ve never had a pet before! I wasn’t really going to keep them.”

“All this trouble for frogs? Really?” He raised his eyebrow, chuckling slightly.

“It’s not like I managed to catch one anyway.” I confessed, feeling pretty stupid. “It was such a small thing but she still scolded me in front of the entire class. I was so embarrassed.”

There was a momentary silence between us before he suddenly broke it with quite a shocking statement.

“I hear from my mom that Miss Huang doesn’t like Malays.”

“Jun Kook!” I gasped in shock, hitting him on the arm. “You can’t say things like that!”

“It’s the truth.” Jun Kook shrugged, completely unfazed by the controversial piece of gossip. “She’s always harsher on you Malay students than anyone else and you know it.”

“Still, she’s our teacher. And an adult.”

Jun Kook frowned. “That doesn’t mean that she’s always right. You shouldn’t be treated differently just because your skin is different.”

That was another thing I admired about Jun Kook. He always had a strong sense of right or wrong, and he never allowed his opinions to be swayed by adults like the rest of us were.

I was about to respond to him when we were unceremoniously interrupted by the sound of the school bell ringing, signally the end of our recess period. We quickly got up and ran as fast as we could back to our classes before we were late.

The next day, I was in a much better mood as my earlier embarrassment was almost completely forgotten. That was the best thing about your kid. All your problems seemed to go away as soon as you woke up from bed the next morning.

I had some matters to settle at the school administration office during our break, and by the time I was done, recess was almost over but there was still some time left. There was no way I’d let my class go without their best chaser two days in a row so I quickly made my way over to the field that we regularly played in near our class.

When I reached there, however, I didn’t see Jun Kook anywhere which was really strange. He was usually the ringleader whenever we all went to play together. I was pretty sure I saw him earlier in class this morning so he certainly wasn’t sick or anything.

“Aisyah! Psst! Over here!”

I turned towards the sound of the voice that was calling me and was surprised to see Jun Kook standing there with his hands hidden behind him, his usually crisp white uniform rumpled and slightly muddy.

“Jun Kook? What are you doing?” I asked in confusion.

“Just come over here for a second, will you?” He gestured with his head, getting more and more impatient.

Curious, I walked over to where he was standing with his signature mischievous smile on his face. I gasped when he finally revealed to me what he was hiding behind his back.

It was a small plastic container with holes poked in the lid, and inside of it was a tiny baby frog hopping merrily.

“Oh my god! Where did you get him?” I exclaimed, quickly grabbing the container out of his hands and cooing at the baby frog inside.

He laughed gently. “I caught it just now during our break. Don’t worry, Miss Huang didn’t see me.”

“He’s so cute.” I couldn’t help but be in awe of the tiny creature in my hands. I’ve always loved animals for as long as I could remember but sadly, it was not meant to be. “But I can’t keep him. My parents would kill me if I brought him back home with me.”

As always, Jun Kook already thought it through. “Don’t worry, you’re just only keeping him for the rest of today. You can play with him under your desk when the teacher isn’t looking. We can let him out after school together.”

In the grand scheme of things, it was a small gesture but it was still very sweet. My 8 year-old-self had never had anyone put so much effort just for me outside of my immediate myself. I remember turning red and stammering out my thanks, my admiration of him skyrocketing even higher.

That was the moment that I realized that I really, really liked him as more than just as a friend. The way men and women on television liked each other. The way Starfire from one of my evening cartoons liked her teammate Robin and how he liked her back.

So this was what being in love felt like, I thought to myself then.

As promised, he accompanied me to the water tank after school to let the baby frog go. I was sad to see it hop away back to its natural home, but I still appreciated the few short hours that I was able to have with it. He even pointed out to me the spot of the grass under the water tank where he caught the baby frog in the first place.

“If you ever want to play with one again, just let me know. I’ll always catch one for you.”

I remember the two small spots of blush that appeared on his cheeks when he made his offer as I grinned to myself.

First love is a time of innocence. A time where your heart seems to beat faster when that special person walks by you and your hands get all sweaty. A time where you get irrationally jealous when you see him talking to another girl in a friendly way. A time where he could sometimes annoy you that made you want to him in the head, but you still liked him anyway.

But, like all first loves, mine eventually came to an end.

We stayed good friends for quite some time, though I don’t think he ever really knew that I had a crush on him. The next year, I moved to a different class after scoring really well on my final exams the previous year. It doesn’t really seem all that bad, but in primary school, moving classes was akin to moving to another country.

We would smile at one another or nod at each other when we passed one another in the school hallways, but then we would turn away to chat and play with our new friends.

As first loves go, mine was very juvenile and fairly innocent. But the fond memories of my firsts remain with me to this very day, the nostalgia making me smile and reminding me of the simpler and happier times of before.

[sitiaisyahwrites]

Leaving

“Kakak, pack your bags. We’re leaving.”

My eyes widened at my mom’s commands. The words that I had wanted her to utter for what seemed like forever shocked me to the bone. My mom was actually leaving my dad? I mean, I’ve fantasized about this for so long, but it’s always remained as fantasy in my mind. Now, it was starting to become frighteningly real.

To say that my parents’ marriage rocky was an understatement.

One of my earliest memories was of them arguing about something when I was in pre-school, still an only at that point. I remember my mom crying, saying that I didn’t need to go to pre-school that day and my dad pulling on my arm, sending me to school anyway. It must have been quite traumatic for the younger me because the next thing I remember, I was breaking down and crying at school, telling my preschool teachers what I saw at home. Well, as coherently as I could as a 3-year-old anyway.

Ever since I could remember, things always seemed so volatile at home. My dad was at risk of lying into a rage at any time, so the rest of us tried to be cautious but it was pretty inevitable. Whenever my parents argued, my mom would protest by ignoring him for 3 days, sleeping in the kid’s room, refuse to cook or do any chores, and generally just avoid him in our small 500 square foot house. Then, he’d cave in and apologize to her and the cycle would repeat, over and over again. 

It was in my home that I learned about the realities of neutrality and that of playing both sides. You couldn’t risk picking only one side or you’ll risk alienating the other. I tried my best to keep the peace by pretending on both of my parents’ side, listening to them rant about the other during one of their tirades and agreeing with both of them to their faces. As an 8-year-old, I didn’t know that what they were putting me through was wrong, that a child shouldn’t be subjected to having to choose between their parents or have to learn to lie and listen at such a young age. I just wanted the fighting to stop.

The fights used to be about their personal arguments and issues. We were never really in the line of fire because we were too young to understand, Sarah and me. But then I started to get dragged into the fray of things.

One day, when I was 10 years old, my dad made to decision to personally groom me and taught me everything he knew. He taught me about computers and domain hosting, how to do PowerPoint animation, how to manage a website etc. My dad told me he was teaching me all this because it would be my responsibility to handle all this one day, once he’s old and starts to become forgetful. I was still a kid at that point and now that I’m offered a way to please my dad, I listened to his instructions eagerly and learned as much as I could.

Fast forward 12 years later and I am now 22 years old, a university student pursuing my Bachelor’s degree and my relationship for my dad has hit an all-time low. Things were pretty much the same as it was back then, only this time we were all older and made more mistakes, which gives my dad more ammunition to use against us during his temperamental rages. And this time, I was directly in the line of fire when it came to arguments.

I was pretty much his unpaid tech intern, the person he considered responsibilities for handling all kinds of technology and website-related matters ever since I started learning about them years ago. My knowledge was still pretty unofficial and was rudimentary, especially considering I didn’t major in IT in college, but he expected me to have all the answers and to solve all his problems no matter the situation. I would get yelled at over the phone when I was in university for not solving a problem or finishing his assigned work fast enough, despite my heavy course workload. At home, he’d undermine me constantly saying that my college education was irrelevant, threatened to not pay my school fees even though it was my mother who paid them as well as saying that he would expose my ‘unsavoury’ behaviour to everyone I knew to shame me.

It was later that I found out that I had now become a big topic in their arguments, and how my dad seemed to blame my mom for me ignoring him and not following his every order. How every time I messed up or forgot to do something, my mom would also be inevitably dragged into the argument and he’d then fan the flames of his own anger further by bringing up every single mistake my made has made since before they were married.

It was in my home that I learned that everything you say can always be used against you. Every single accomplishment I’ve told him about, every little thing school-related that I talked about with my family would always be used against me during one of his tirades against the rest of my family. He would belittle any accomplishment that we felt proud of, taking the credit for himself as he claimed that he was the one who taught us and taunts us about how pathetic we were for being satisfied with our small-time victories and achievements. It took me a while to learn my lesson, but eventually, I stopped telling them about the comings and goings of my life. I couldn’t risk telling my mom either in case she told my dad anything during one of his good days so I just… stopped.

Home became a living hell for all of us as it was constantly filled with tension. It felt like there was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode at any time. ‘What would get mad about next?’ was a game that I constantly played in my head. For some reason, he’s starting to become more and more dissatisfied with everything in life it seemed, and he was taking his anger out on us constantly. He bitterly complained about how he made us his heartsick for not listening to him, dredging up our all old faults once again that dated back from when we were primary school age even and even undermining his wife and her family to his children.

Despite all his faults, he was always a pious man and constantly preached about the word of god. He never missed a prayer and always did a lot of sunat prayers. He reads the Quran constantly, and always encourages us to do prayer together. He’s never cheated on my mom, never did drugs, doesn’t even smoke and he never physically beat us.

People always preached that by maintaining your relationship with God, that by being religious, you would also find it easier to preserve and maintain your relationship with other humans.

So why did it feel like his relationship with us for fraying every single day as time goes by?

The day it all came to ahead initially started great. It was Father’s Day and my mom had made my sister buy a cake earlier that morning because our cousins and auntie and uncle were coming to visit. I remember thinking that it was going a good day because we haven’t seen one another in so long, and it would be a real treat to chat with one another again.

Both families celebrated the occasion together once they reached our house, taking pictures and eating the spread that my mom stayed up all night to make. Sarah’s friends also made an unexpected visit that day, so they joined in the celebration as well. Because they had come all the way from Perlis to Cyberjaya to visit her, she decided to go out to spend the evening with them.

It was after we said our farewells to our cousins that things really started to fall apart.

I was in my room taking care of our baby sister Khadeeja, but I could already hear his angry mutterings and complaints starting, signalling the start of another of his infamous temper tantrums.

He was complaining about how we were always doing things he didn’t tell us to do, and we somehow only always tried to please others. He even called to yell at Sarah about leaving the house, which resulted in her having to come home early instead of going out with her friends even though we’ve all been cooped up in the house for weeks.

Nervous, I went upstairs to ask my mom what was going on when I saw her crying angrily in her office. It was only later that I knew that he had gotten mad at her for posting a picture of their celebration on the family’s Whatsapp group. That he began accusing her of only trying to please others, but that she was showing off.

I could see that my mom’s patience and resolution starting to break. He had forgotten all about Mother’s Day and also barely acknowledged her birthday months prior, and despite all that, she still took the time out of her busy day to prepare a celebration for him. But of course, he could never appreciate his family’s efforts. Nothing we do was ever enough.

And then all hell broke loose.

The next thing I knew, they were arguing heatedly and then mom went downstairs to my room and told my sister and me to pack up all our things. It all happened so fast that it feels like a blur. Sarah and I began to half-heartedly pack up or things into suitcases, not thinking that she was seriously going through with this. But just in case, we tried our best to keep things light and only carried our most prized possessions and other necessary items like clothing and certificates.

“Once the kids and I leave this house, we’re never coming back.” My mom had declared before picking up the rest of her things and walking out the door.

I remember the betrayed expression on his face when we walked out of the house with our suitcases and my baby sister in hand. I remember him holding onto my mother’s arm, indignantly asking her why she had to go.

But I also remember him saying that we didn’t need to leave, that he’d go back to his hometown to visit his sick parents of he was the source of stress in his house in an emotional voice. And then suddenly all my sympathy faded just like that. He had never bothered about his parents or mentioned wanting to go back before this, had always considered them an afterthought but now out of the blue hr brings them up? It was at that moment that I realized that he was manipulating us. I should know. I learnt from the best, after all.

I could see my mom wavering and my usually brash sister hesitating at his words. I was in tears at this point, but I also knew that bridges were already burned and that nothing would ever be the same after that. He’d try to weasel his way back somehow; I was sure of that. I also knew that he wouldn’t leave without a fight and I really didn’t want to hear his constant bitching as he packed up his stuff, if he even packed up at all.

“This proves that you don’t get it. This situation isn’t something that can be fixed just by you leaving for a few days!”

I’m pretty sure those words weren’t verbatim as I was still sobbing when I choked them out. But it was clear enough that it got the point across.

“Then why are you leaving then?” He countered.

What happened next was a mixture of tears, incoherent words as I tried to tell him exactly what I thought of him. I remember being angry at myself for not being to form words coherently, for not being able to think straight and for not being able to tell him exactly how much he’d hurt us all this time.

Eventually, he gave up and we quickly made our way to the car park and got the hell out of the building. Mom didn’t want to go to grandma’s house as she originally said and risk my father finding where we were, so we spent a week in Melaka moving from one Airbnb to another.

It’s been weeks since then, and my mom has been teetering on the edge of whether to go through the divorce or not. My sister, on the other hand, was rejoicing her newfound freedom from our dad’s oppression and was encouraging their separation. We’ve avoided all communication with my dad and haven’t talked to him since.

However, things aren’t so simple on my end. I’ll admit that since then, I’ve started to come to terms with his actions and behaviour, and how wrong he actually was to treat us that way. I’ve come to terms that what he was doing was irrational, that it was born out of a place of deep-seated insecurity that then encouraged this egotistical personality to form which seemed absolved him of consequence in his own home.

Unfortunately, the feelings that I have towards my dad isn’t so easily resolved. I‘ve often heard from my friends and family about how similar the two of us are both in appearance and personality ever since I was a kid. How my attitude and disposition was exactly like his. I also knew that I was secretly hoping that my mom wouldn’t go through with an official divorce and would agree to separation instead, because despite the emotional and verbal abuse, I still loved him and I can’t help but remembering his ‘good’ days and the rare moments where he was actually a good dad to us.

It left me wondering if I could ever truly free myself from his influence, if cutting him out of my life would also be like cutting out a part of my own self.