skept-i-cal-blog
~ don't paint me black when I used to be golden ~
A collection of my thoughts.
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Sometimes we store pain in our hearts for so long that we forget where it's gone, until it's completely filled up and tips over.
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What's the point of trying when all there is, is pain. No matter what I do I'm hurting. There's no way out.
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Everything hurts and I feel so empty
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The people I love the most hurt me the most and then I just end up resenting them and feeling this strange dissonance when I think about them and i know no ones perfect I’m the best example for that, but I really try so hard to please everyone and make the ones I love happy, and it’s never enough. I always end up with this hole in my chest that never has time to heal because next thing you know I’m getting hurt all over again and I don’t know what to do. It’s disheartening and makes me sad and I don’t know what to do anymore. I hope things do get better when school starts
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When drama appears and you just gotta pretend like everything is going perfect lol
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I want to make life worth living. I don’t believe in your perception of what life should be. If I’m unhappy it’s not worth living.
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All my life I’ve struggled with body image, with anxiety, suicidal thoughts, cutting myself, burning myself, making myself hurt. I never once complained to you. I never once used my illnesses and my problems to make you feel bad even though I’m certain you helped cause some of them. Even though you knew about some of these issues and did nothing to help me. All you did was continue to make fun of me and mock me and scare me. Yet I always try to help you out because you’re a fucking mess. Even so, it seems like nothing I do is enough and everything wrong with you just continues to get thrown back at me. Fuck you, don’t you dare try to call yourself a dad because you’re irresponsible, you only care about shit when I push you and make you mad, you mock me, you make me feel like shit, and you’re never there for me. You make things worse and talk to me like I’m some sort of burden to you. Fuck you. I’m done with your bullshit.
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I feel so different now. Pain changes people. I never thought it did until this past year. I've grown up so much but at the same time I've become more distant from people. I need to focus on me. I need to care about myself before I care about others because no ones going to care for you. The heartache I've felt this past year has been unbearable. What doesn't kill you changes you. I don't know if it always makes you stronger but it does change you. The fact that I've accepted it all as is and that I know that's how life is doesn't really help either because now I feel like I've learned to expect pain. When I'm happy I know It isn't going to last or I know that there's going to be a catch. I need to make myself happy through hard work and determination. I need to achieve my goals with no catch. I'm going to work hard toward my career and making myself look better so I can feel better about myself. No ones gonna make me feel better but me. No ones gonna help me unless I seek the help and am able to help myself first.
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This is going to take some getting used to. It's hard to believe. Part of me is still so terrified. I've been hurt so much in the past, I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to be happy for once. I know a guy isn't going to make the pain go away or make me whole. I'm me and I'm fine on my own, but having someone there makes it all a little less lonely. Just having someone there gives me strength and confidence. I just feel so different now though. I can't just bounce back. I'm going to take a while to adjust and finally grasp that this is real. If it is real. I hope it is.
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