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9/15/22

hi, 

It has not gotten better. 

I just cried on the bus while listening to modern lonniless by lauv because i dont know. 

I feel alone, I am alone. My mom how i love her so but shes broken me in many pieces, and talking about that in therapy is brining up past memoeries I didnt want to remember. 

I feel empty and I feel numb. But maybe I am not because I feel sqadness, I mean I can feel it in my stomach. Maybe its good I can feel the sadness because then It would be mean part of me still cares. 

Ive been scared lately of the things that ive done, I havent c0t in a long time but Ive been having these thoughts. that just make sense to me. I dont know. 

I am so tired, I told my friends yesterday that I am struggling 2 of them called to what I assume is check up on me but I could answer. I can answer the question whats wrong because there is nothing wrong, I am just sad. Im tired, Im unmotivated, im alone, and I feel lonely. i dont want them to worry. 

I love my friends, and I know that they love me. i know that if i needed a shoulder to cry on it would be theres. thank god for my friends

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Sure, 

Ill post it here. 

I am so tired of feeling tired, and sad and depressed and just awful all the time. I feel like i just exist. That I am just here. 

I am tired of having no motivation. 

I can not stop thinking about isaque and how his birthday is coming up soon. I feel almost a layer of dread on my body. I am not sure how to describe it. All i know is that I miss him. It does not feel right. Its been so long since he died that i feel like i should be use it to by now. 

not to add that last night I had the first urge to cut. I had flash backs and visioned my self sitting on my carpet ripping over a razor to get the blades out, and c0tting. Its been so long, while I was having my breakdown over a dumb ipad i realized I was verbally saying out loud the my feelings were valid, I had just worked A 12  hour shift, I was hungry, and I was tired. When I broke down I started to cry and all I could say to myself was its ok what you are feeling is valid, you just worked so so long and for so much. Its ok

Then it got me thinking that everyone always invalidates my feelings, and makes me to be the one thate takes things to personal, to this or to that that I have to tell myself that what I am feeling is ok. they are normal human emotions. That I am not overreacting, That this is okay. 

After I cried, and got it out of my system I sat almost emotionelss. I remember what it was like to be numb, and I almost miss it. 

today is a little better. I am not doing homework although that is what I am suppose to be doing currently. I am not being lazy, I just have no motivation to get through today. I am just going through the moitions. in slow motion almost. 

talk later. 

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and i almost do

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lenny kravitz and lisa bonet (1987)

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You ever do a mental evaluation of your life and realise how depressing it really is..

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Dear Mom,

It’s not your fault.

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I had tears running down my face, for a person that didn’t give a fuck about me.

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It could be possible that Earth is just the North Korea of the Universe and thats why we never see any aliens