skinnidreamss - Tumblr blog

[skinnidreamss]

Fuck tumblr

I've been scrolling through this blog for the past 2 hours. I don't even know how to feel. I guess the word "nauseous" would come to mind first. Ana tumblr has taken my fucking childhood from me and I gave it away happily.

I was fucking warned and I didn't listen. I would do anything to be able to stop my 13 year old self from ever discovering this place. I wish I could tell her that she really wasn't that fat, but the adults around her were trying to live through her and feeding her lies about how "dangerous" her very much healthy BMI was. I was just chubby. I was just a kid. I trusted everyone around me because they were adults and they were supposed to know everything, but it turns out that they were even more clueless than me.

I guess maybe when I found out that ED Tumblr, a place that is literally based on toxicity shared a few of the beliefs that these people would tell me, I should've been a bit concerned. But I wasn't. And I just fell into this rabbit hole that I don't think I will ever get out of. The things you learn here follow you forever. I can be happy and having a good day, eating something and the part of my brain that developed under the influence of this hell will remind me of some idiotic quote I read in a pretty font at 14. "once on the lips, forever on the hips", or some shit like that. And just like that, my day is ruined.

The truth is, I haven't been on here for a full year. My last post is from february 3rd 2023. It's february 6th 2024 now. I've been trying to heal, sort of. About 6 months ago, I started losing weight in a healthy(?) way. I think. I can't even tell at this point. After all these years, it's impossible to think about weight loss without triggering some horrible memories and starting some old habits again. I've had some close calls, but I haven't relapsed. I haven't starved myself the way I used to in a year. It's getting better.

I logged in today thinking I might delete this account once and for all. I decided to scroll through it and to my horror, I realized that I have repressed a lot of memories about my eating disorder. I had forgotten very big parts of my life and what my diets used to look like. I don't even know how to react and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It's stuff that was happening a year and a half ago. One of the things I regret a lot is not journaling throughout my teenage years. But this blog has a ton of journal entries that reminded me of stuff my brain tried to erase. Like, for example. MY FUCKING THERAPIST TOLD ME THAT IF I TRULY WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT, I WOULD???? WHat the actual fuck??????? I remember being very hurt about that and thinking about it a lot for a while, before getting back on tumblr and finding some crazy diet to do, after a while of actually doing better. If I hadn't found the post I made about it at the time, I would've probably forgotten about it forever. And there's probably so much shit that I will never remember again. The crazy thing is that although I had pretty much forgotten all of the things I wrote on here, they still hurt me somehow.

I am just so fucking angry at everything and anyone. I hate tumblr and everything about ed tumblr. My brain feels rotten from all the shit I learned here. I am getting better, but I've been having a shitty day so I guess I needed someplace to rant. I am angry at the complete lack of attention that everyone in my life gave me when it came to my diet. I used to be scared that they would find out and try to stop me from starving myself. But I slowly realized that I could show as many signs of an unhealthy diet as I wanted. Nobody ever noticed, or if they did, they just didn't give a shit. I was doing stuff that if a skinnier girl did, it would've raised a million red flags to everyone. But because I was fat, I guess it was fine.

I'm not gonna get into any more of my trauma anymore because if I start, I might just never stop writing.

I'll be 19 in two months. Everyone else I know has discovered themselves, bettered themselves, found friends and even love. All I've discovered in the past 6 years is how to lose and gain back the same 10 kg over and over and over again in the most disgusting and painful ways.

But whatever.

Life goes on. I owe it to my younger self to get better. I truly believe it's possible to do this in a healthy way. I will keep trying to be better and hopefully the anger will fade away in time and I will finally be able to heal from all of this. Someday.

[skinnidreamss]

I’m back babyeeeeeee

[skinnidreamss]

[skinnidreamss]

just broke my fast after 3.5 days and it sucks. I feel horrible. I wasn’t even going to break it. I wasn’t feeling hungry at all. But my dad bought food and it was going to go bad so I had no choice. I totally binged. I am going to fast again as much as I can.

[skinnidreamss]

constantly deciding between smoking (which is bad because it destroys elastin and collagen, which leads to loose skin / makes it harder for stretch marks to fade) and not smoking (but having a harder time not eating, because cigarettes curb hunger).

[skinnidreamss]

Day 2: 200 calories

Calories eaten: none

Exercise: walking (269 calories)

workout(236 calories)

Weight: 82.2 kg

Diary: 

So I just looked through my posts and apparently yesterday’s post was just... never posted. IDK why. It’s not in my drafts either. Anyway, to paraphrase what I wrote yesterday, the fast from the first day was actually really easy. I am also weighing myself every day. (I weighed 83.8 kg yesterday). 

I was supposed to eat 200 calories today, but I barely feel hungry, so I decided to fast for another day. I am going to try to carry this fast on as much as I can, because it’s one of those fasts that never seem to make you hungry. From my experience, the first 3 days are the hardest. I wanna see how far I can go. It would be pretty cool to actually do 10 full days of fasting (what wouldn’t be fun would be the aftermath, AKA having to slowly ease into eating normally again. I would have to drink broth at first and slowly work my way up to solid foods, like a fucking baby). I’ve actually done some research and fasting for 10 days is apparently another one of those things that are super fucked up if you post about them on tumblr with tags like “#rexxie” and “#pr0anna”, but okie-dokie if you’re a millennial with a fitness blog. Welp, that’s about it for today. 

I am kinda scared of getting termed so I might make a second account soon.

[skinnidreamss]

that’s it. I’m doing this diet. I need to stop binging. idk what to do. So I am finally weighing myself tomorrow (I weighed myself tonight after binging and I am 2 kilos heavier than before so :/ ). 

I need to get back on track. This is it.

[skinnidreamss]

So today was definitely not better. It was bad. Like, really really bad. I had my biggest binge in like 3 months. I feel horrible.

Today was also the final confirmation that I really need to hit the brakes on this diet. I know I had only one week left to go, but I’d rather not finish it than to repeat days or keep binging. I think it’s just too much for me to handle. I did my best between days 13 and 24, when I was between 950 and 650. I am going to make my own calendar for the next 2 weeks and then I’ll do the sweater weather diet. That’s about it. I think I need to take more slowly. I also didn’t weigh myself today, I just didn’t feel right. I will weigh myself again next week. Until then, I’ll do my own diet, which I will make and post tonight. 

Day 29: 700 calories

Keep reading

[skinnidreamss]

Day 29: 700 calories

Food log:

65 grams olives --- 65 cal

2 boiled eggs --- 160 cal

103 grams blueberries --- 59 cal

490 grams greek salad --- 495 cal

187 grams nectarines --- 82 cal

extra --- 75

TOTAL EATEN: 911 calories

Exercise: none

Under budget: ❌

Days since last binge: 2

Current weight : didn’t weigh (last time: 82.5 kg)

Starting weight:  88.9 kg

Kg lost since beginning: 6.4 kg

Diary:

Today was shitty. Everything was good until my parents decided to go out to eat and I got a greek salad that I didn’t even want, I would’ve much rather stayed at home and eaten nothing. And when I got home, I ate a bit more... Anyway, I am going to be well from tomorrow on. No more going out, no more binging and I am going to get enough sleep from now on.  I am weighing myself tomorrow and I am pretty sure that I gained a bit. If I did lose, it’s probably something like 200 grams or so. I need to do better. I can be better.

[skinnidreamss]

[skinnidreamss]

Day 27: 750 calories

Food log:

300 grams tomato sauce --- 72 cal

65 grams olives --- 65 cal

45 grams yogurt --- 57 cal

300 ml orange juice --- 126 cal

220 grams sandwich --- 438 cal

TOTAL EATEN: 758

Exercise: walking --- 96 cal

Under budget:  ✅

Days since last binge: 1

Current weight : didn’t weigh (last time: 82.5 kg)

Starting weight:  88.9 kg

Kg lost since beginning: 6.4 kg

Diary:

Today was great! I finally got enough sleep and I woke up feeling refreshed. I was also noticeably less hungry (which I guess could be because of the two days of binging, but I’m pretty sure that sleeping helped a lot too). I ate ok and had energy too. Not much else to write about. The last two days were bad, but I know what triggered those binges now and I plan on being better.

[skinnidreamss]

Crazy how if anyone that I know irl stumbled onto this account, they would immediately know that it’s me because I constantly overshare, both here and irl

[skinnidreamss]

i’ll start 2023 with my ugw or d34d💀

[skinnidreamss]

okay okay here’s the plan: I made a list of “safe foods” (just low cal foods that I love), and the plan is to only eat the foods in the list until the end of this year, without counting calories, plus working out whenever I can. how about that? would that work? will I stick to it? let’s find out

[skinnidreamss]

ah yes, euphoric feeling that keeps me engaging in self destructing behaviors 😻 come to mama

[skinnidreamss]

no bcs I am obsessed with the idea of being skinny. Like, I know that it’s what we all do here, but I just wonder what it’s like to be skinny your whole life. To have an ok relationship with food.

It is actually really hard for me to understand how there are some people out there who have a good relationship with food and who never had to starve themselves. I have been so obsessed with starving myself and I have suffered so much because of my body that the concept of a normal life, of looking in the mirror and thinking “huh, I look ok today” is completely alien to me. You’re telling me that some people look in the mirror and aren’t immediately triggered by what they see, either into binging or starving? Logically, I know that this is actually what a normal life looks like and that most people don’t experience my type of pain (except for maybe a few moments when they re feeling down) every single day.

There are people who can go 24 hours without thinking about their body. Without thinking of starving or binging. I don’t even think I have gone one hour of my time awake without thinking about my body in the past few months and I definitely haven’t gone a full day since I was 13. 

[skinnidreamss]

Binged again. Re doing day 27. I am not going to be fasting again anytime soon, clearly this was a mistake. 

I have also realized that the reason why I have been so hungry in the past  few days is most likely because for about 7 days in a row, I have slept less than 6 hours a night. I am incredibly sleep deprived, which is definitely the reason for my high appetite and my lack of energy to exercise. I really need to figure out a better sleep schedule (I slept so little because I have a new schedule at school, which means I have to wake up at 5:30 every single day. I was used to going to bed at like 2 in the morning during summer break and my body hasn’t exactly adjusted to the new, much earlier bedtime that I need in order to get at least 8 hours of sleep). In the meantime, I’ll just try to stick to the diet, maybe add 200 or so calories on days when I feel really weak (seriously, I almost considered skipping first period today because I was so weak in the morning, that I genuinely thought that I wasn’t going to be able to get up and get dressed). The last thing I would need right now is to faint at school, or even worse, when I’m out by myself. I also need to meal prep, I think, so that I won’t just eat uncontrollably when I feel weak. Even if I end up going over my limit, it’s still better to be able to control it and to eat a moderate / filling amount of food instead of binging on high calorie stuff that I don’t even like.

Anyway, bottom line is that I need to rest more so I can feel more energized (what a shocker!). Maybe I’ll start taking some melatonin every night. I will eat under my calorie limit next week, but never too much under and I won’t start exercising just yet. I really hope I haven’t messed up my weight loss from last week with these two binges... This binge was a lot milder than the one from yesterday though, so that’s good I guess. I remember writing that I would weigh myself tomorrow, but now I really don’t wan to. Maybe once a week is often enough after all. Either way, I am weighing myself on Monday, and I’ll see what I do later. Going to bed now.