skinniettastripper

[skinniettastripper]

REMINDER TO SELF

Hi dear,

This is for you to read in case you ever regret leaving Zbynek.

Your relationship with Zbynek made you unhappy. You fought at least one time a day, you could never give him enough hugs or scratches. You never wanted to watch the same thing, and it always ended up with you sleeping through the movies. This year, you missed out on so many movies you would have loved. He never took you for a proper date, what is the best plan he ever did for you? You pretended to love the Prague tour where everything he took you to was closed and then he told “he spent so much money that day”, you only pretended because you had just starting dating and you didn’t want to hurt. Since the very first month, he brought a new insecurity about “hair volume” into your head. You got sick of hearing how baggy shirts and dress don’t suit your body type even if you absolutely loved the way they looked on you. You didn’t want to spend every night in Draha anymore. And it hurt your back a lot to be washing the dishes for an hour after you’ve waited for him while he was home for three days to clean. 

You never really dealt with the idea that he brought such a huge responsibility, that is Baby (the puppy) into your life and home without asking you first if you were ok with it. In fact, she has just pooped inside because he leaves her home locked in the bathroom to go to party (second, third night in a row?). Why adopt a puppy if you aren’t capable of giving it all the love it needs? -I am really so so sorry Baby- If it were me, I would do a full research before taking you away from a better life you could have had. 

Plus, when you go to visit his family, you feel neglected. He expects you to communicate with them when you don’t understand a work. And then he sits down quietly when you’re being ambushed by his stepmom about when you will get married and if you are using contraception. Really???

Speaking on contraception, it is not like you needed any to prevent a child. Because you barely had sex. And I know you know that during this year and few months you really really really missed a good fuck. How many times have you thought “why is he dating if he doesn’t think I am attractive?”. 

How many times, you felt so unsexy because you know he likes skinny girls and you are too fat for his type. How many times did you (at the start) put on a sexy dress and waited for him to say something but he never did? How long did it take him to go down on you even though you told him you wanted it. And despite the fact that you blew him on the very first night.

Rana, do you remember the times when you were talking to other people and you didn’t feel like you were a team with him? When you were talking to Martina and he agreed so much with her how “everyone should clean after themselves” and how when I agreed, he gave me the smirk like I don’t. Or the time when you were talking about how you used to cut your own hair and the girls hair during erasmus and he belittled you so much with that smirk full of disbelief? or maybe you can recall the myriad of times you told him you hate to be reminded of the night you blew Gabby and how you are ashamed of it and don’t want people to know, but he still said it anyway.

Or how he made you feel like a saint for agreeing to be with you even after you blew his best friend? (even if it was before I met him). 

You love freedom right? That’s why you risked your life to flee from Jordan. But did you really ever felt freedom with him? Or did you feel watched and violated and imprisoned? Do you think it is normal to feel guilty for talking to anyone from the opposite sex who isn’t him? 

Or maybe it’s normal to feel like a bad girlfriend because you would rather go for drinks with your work colleagues alone than with him because every time you took him, he consumed all your attention and energy and it ended up in a fight in front of your friends. No honey, it isn’t. 

You also didn’t like how much money he’s lost on crypto and how he always orders food and even groceries when he can go to the store or cook instead.

He hated his job, but he barely ever went there! I believe, that is at least one basic thing everyone has, a job they go to. Why do you stay in your job if you hate it so much why do you never take action?

Why do you decide to move to Gibraltar or Bali and tell everyone about it then just stay. Or why do you obsess over having a motorcycle or a van or a small weird house and plan is so specifically and spend hours and hours watching videos then do just nothing?

Rana, you can still go on and you know it. However, you have a quote to work on. Anyway, I am glad you had the time to write this and I really appreciate and love you and want you to be happy. 

P.S. the reason you took the time to write this is because you’ve been feeling lighter since your decision. You work better, you work out better, you cook better and you have more free spirited fun. 

You are still young and you gave this a chance. Nothing is forever. Go out and explore and grow and always always always remember to find the time to look after yourself and have a peace of mind.

Sincerely yours, 

Rana on Jan-24-19 

10:42 PM 

[skinniettastripper]

You are the only one who knows what you’re going through. 

Down and then up again. Wordless most of the time. It’s not willpower I need, it’s desire. 

I long for peace of mind, peace of heart. For things to make sense again. 

I am helpless for as long as I can’t let go. 

Everything feels so trivial yet so complicated. And sometimes like nothing at all.

Greedy for pride describes me best some days.

 Others, it is sessions of tearing everything of worth off me. 

You can’t afford to stay in a hotel, oh no what a shame.

Life ain’t so bad kiddo.

27-5-2018

[skinniettastripper]

For zbynek and family.

[skinniettastripper]

“I feel most like myself when I dance”

[skinniettastripper]

What good is nostalgia anyway? Who the fuck has time for that shit?

I hated the past so why am I longing for it now when there are so many things I should be grateful for and what is this weird emotion that keeps creeping into my freakin’ mind.

I am done with nostalgia and regrets and fear of the future. I chose my path and I will stick with it with my chin up and grin on. I believe in myself that I can work hard and I can find my way to be happy and successful without the help of anyone. It does get hard sometimes BUT if I will start acting like a robot I will manage.

I just googled how to be a robot and I found this awesome blog and this is what is said in sum:  

“ They don’t think, they just do. They don’t say “just this once.” They don’t feel sorry for themselves. They don’t give up after a breakdown; they get fixed and start working again.”

Now of course, I am not saying I will not think anymore. I am BIG on thinking. I love to think and I take pride in my thinking skills. But sometimes really it is just a waste of time and energy. In everyday situations mostly when dealing with people and work, there is no fucking need to think I should just do.

And I can get fixed because I am a robot.

Miss Robota is emerging ladies and gents!!!! BEWARE.

Good night :D

20-Feb-2018

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT4SojneUhs

[skinniettastripper]

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”

[skinniettastripper]

Always gonna steal your thunder watch me like a dark cloud 🐱‍👤

 Dear friend, or stranger, lets be friends?

That is me contemplating life and whether i should start writing this post or not. 

 It’s really a LONG story. It is crazy how fast life is moving for me at the moment and how much I have changed. I guess I am feeling more good than bad recently. But everything is so different. 

 So, I cannot remember how far updated my blog is, but currently I am still working at Infosys Brno, -for some unknown reason from the gods-. I cannot say I’m unhappy with the job. It is nothing I ever imagined I would be doing, but I know that it could be way worse. I am actually enjoying it and most of the time I don’t feel the time passing because the atmosphere is nice and I enjoy the company of people. 

I have made some good friends like Kamilia, the most unique Arab woman I ever met. She has the sweetest heart, I wish she were my sister and I never felt like I could make a friend so fast like it was with her. And just hanging out with her made me more social and outgoing. And I never met anyone who made me laugh as much as her. I really love her and care about her. 

And all in all, social life is going pretty well. Almost too well, I am always going out and having a good time which is pretty cool and I’m proud of my transformation. 

On the other hand, family life, not so well. I really miss my family. I was missing them so much the other day I started crying at work. I just miss the comfort and coziness of being at home. I miss listening to their silly chatter and to have the after lunch tea with sara nada and sawsan. I miss abood so much I want to pinch his little squishy cheeks!! I was just talking to mum and I am trying so hard to open up and to make them feel better because I want to see them, I really do. I don’t know if I wrote this before but back in september I went for vacation in Jordan and I did not see them at all, it was so weird to see nada at indoor cafe, YES I ran into her we were there at the same time on the same day, what are the chances?!!! I really just wanted to hug her. I am really hoping that maybe if I open up to them they will accept me and like me again. Tomorrow I will call dad and slowly I will make my way back to the family. I will do my best, because I know that anything in life can be mended except for losing family that loves you and cares about you.

 And then, the most significant thing going on right now…..romantic life and dating!!! agghhh! I know right? like who are you and what did you do to Rana?!! 

I really don’t know what’s happening but ever since I became S active, it’s like I’m a magnet to every guy. It is like so easy to get any guy I want and DONT want. I know I sound so narcissistic but seriously, it’s not fun. I mean yes, who doesn’t enjoy some attention? But still if you getting this attention means you are hurting people you care about just because you’re not adult and mature enough to make some choices then it is not good!

I want to write all about this, maybe it will help me figure out. Where to start? 

Well first, it started with this Croatian guy I met at karaoke night, it was a good night. He was singing super well. Next day, I lost my virginity to him and gained much more. Absolutely no regrets. And it is still going with this guy, we are meeting to fuck almost every week. It is fun to see him, it is amazing how we manage to talk for few hours without really knowing much about each other. When I am with him, it’s relaxing and perfect to blow off steam. Because I know, I will not hurt this guy no matter what and he will not. We rock each other’s worlds in bed and then I’m ready to go for the rest of the week. No strings attached whatsoever. So I would like to keep that going a bit longer. 

And then second there was Simone, the Italian guy at work who likes me. And, for the record, whom I like back A LOT, just not in the same way. This guy is amazing, he’s smart, sweet, funny and we really get a long and can talk for hours and hours and enjoy it. However, from the start I knew he liked and I made it as clear as possible to him that I am not interested in him that way. Which I thought he would take well, he is 36 years old after all and should be 15 years more adult than I am. But, first time he sees me kissing a guy drunk, he stops talking to me for a month. It really hurt me. It felt like he only wanted one thing from me, and if I don’t give it to him he doesn’t care anymore. It is a bit nicer now we are slowly starting to talk again, I really hope we can stay friends! But I also don’t like him so much now because him and kamilia, only the best woman on earth are going out and he doesn’t treat her the way she should be treated. She deserves much better. But well, let’s not be meddlers. I am sure they can take care of themselves. 

 Then comes, the craziest night of my life. Friday night sometime in sep 2017, when I went to kamilia’s place for some drinks before karaoke at trojka. I go there and there is kamilia ira gabby the flatmate and gabby’s friend whom i knew kamilia had crush on, and I was cheering for her to get him. I finished my bottle of wine, we go to trojka, i sing, i drink, i flirt with the dj who has a girlfriend, somehow I end up kissing gabby the flatmate /i would love to forget this ever happened/ gabby thing goes on longer after we move to a club, we make out outside on the stairs and do other super inappropriate shit in PUBLIC. Guys downstairs see us, we go down they offer me weed, I take it, gabby says I’m his girlfriend I get defensive and start kissing t he stranger who offered me weed. Gabby gets mad I’m kissing a black guy and starts screaming. I go back inside, black guy follows me, tells me some shit about how i should be treated better because i’m beautiful, like seriously guy what kind of bullshit is that?! 

Anyhowwww, then I go back inside away from all the guy drama and start dancing with kamilia and petra and then comes kamilia’s crush and asks me if he can kiss me now in a super cute way and of course, when I’m drunk I could make out with a wall. After the kiss, I feel bad, I tell kamilia let’s leave. We leave, gabby is still screaming because i kissed black guy, kamilia shuts him up, seriously, this woman is my hero.

 I say goodbye to kami, gabby, and the crush and start to walk home. Few minutes later, I hear someone following me, I look back and it’s the crush. “why did you follow me” -I say, “I don’t know” - he said. “Do you wanna go to a gay club?”- I said, “sure” he replied. We went to a gay club next to my place, we make out for few minutes and do weird shit. Then I tell him to come with me and take him back to my bed. We have fun. Next morning, he doesn’t remember shit. 

I was worried about kamilia finding out. I told him please don’t tell her anything. She calls me, he picks up the phone. She is super pissed. anyway because she is so amazing she accepts it later on.

 I thought, when I woke up next to this guy that I will send him home and it will be over. But somehow, we started talking and talking and talking and watching weird don’t cry and don’t laugh challenges and eating pizza and watching harry potter and having such a perfect peaceful day. And after that day, I felt like I wanted to spend more time with this guy, his name is zbojnik by the way, or as I call him Kofi. 

Kofi lives in Prague, since that night I have seen him few times, I went to see him three days in prague, he came the following weekend and he is coming next weekend again. We are texting constantly and calling each other. And I actually like him. Not crazy about him, but it’s been a while since I felt like that about anyone. However, he wants me to break up with my other guys which I’m not sure I’m ready to do..so I am taking some more time to contemplate it because I am not really sure if I want to be in a committed relationship right now. I never had a boyfriend, like normal people having normal relationship and it scares me, because what if I get bored, what if they get bored and I get hurt, what if I get too attached? What if it’s too distracting? What if I should focus on other things as my priorities..I don’t know.. anyway for some reason, he didn’t talk to me or text me at all today, I’m not sure why but oh well. 

 For the grand finale…Adam, I believe I have wrote about this guy before as the guy whom I had a major crush on. So, I was obsessed with this guy since I started work, he was this cool cocky smart guy and I really liked how he’s like even though other people think he’s weird. I like how he is and I LOVE hanging out with him, we went out a couple of times and it’s insane how we can talk for hours and hours and have such intense nice conversations. Last night I was out with him, we talked about my family, he knew that I basically escaped from Jordan without me telling him, which is creepy if you think about it, because like how could anyone find out something like that? He basically described everything about me without me needing to say it. And I was thinking about how nice and comforting it is to see that there is someone there, sitting on the other side of the table who understands me maybe even more than I understand myself. He looks like such a tough guy but with me he is so sweet, he packs a blanket, a bottle of wine and candle in his backpack and plays Jane the Virgin for me, and brings me chocolate with cats on the packaging each time we go out. 

 The problem about Adam is that I care about him THE MOST. I know this guy and I can have an intense connection, a connection that I cannot easily have with anyone. And I really really really do not want to hurt him or lose him. But I don’t know what he wants, he never said anything yet, I love how he is taking it so slow. I really like him and I have no idea what I want or how I would react if he expressed any feelings to me..it’s the hardest thing for me to figure out. Should I tell him I want to be friends? would he accept it? I know I want him and I’m attracted to him. But I don’t know if he would be ok with us having something that is not serious. Anyway, I guess we will see what’ll happen..but last night we also talked about family, and the things he told me, I used today, I talked to my mum and I actually talked, and it’s because of him and I felt better. I know for sure I want this guy in my life, I just don’t know in what way…

 I have to go pee and sleep now! That was a long post, but I know you will enjoy it some time later and cringe at how high-schooly dramatic your life is at the moment. 

 Remember always that I love you and that even thought you can be silly and dumb and reckless and superficial. You are more or less an OK person. So you should like yourself and believe that everything will be ok at the end, if it’s not ok it’s not the end hhhhhh.

 Love you!! Night night 

XOXO

 10/27/2017

23:40

[skinniettastripper]

Felt like this is tumblr material and that I would like to go back and watch this some time. 

[skinniettastripper]

15-july-2017

I just took the Pottermore sorting quiz and this time I’m a slytherin! They are cunning, ambitious and determined. It’s strange because when I first took it I was gryffindor then I was Ravenclaw and now I’m a slytherin. At the same time, it makes sense because when I was younger it suited me better to be brave, I needed a lot of bravery to get out from the place I was in, to face all the obstacles in my way and be my own person. After that, I needed to be wise, careful and have a lot of knowledge. Now that I am on the right path, I am becoming more like myself everyday, my ambition needed bravery and wisdom now I need determination and to be cunning and believe that I can do this. I started my job at Infosys in Brno a month ago and I am loving it. I am the youngest in my team but I don’t feel like it, it makes me feel better about myself to be at the same level as people who have had a lot of experiences. I like the people at work and the atmosphere and I know it was the right choice for me. I don’t know if I will go back to Jordan and finish my degree. Last month was super stressful for me but it was also such a turning point in my life, I changed so much. I had to go through the dreadful visa process, find a new place I can afford, get out of the erasmus situation where if I stayed in Europe after erasmus they would ask me to pay my scholarship back. And now I’m past all these problems, I could work my way through it on my own. My mum texted me five days ago saying many things one of which struck me the most, she said “even if you think you are strong enough and you can make it without us, you can’t”. I told sakki about it and she said “But you are strong and you can” and I believe it. I believe I can be independent and make it without my family. I love my family, I never want to hurt them but I realize that their lifestyle and the lifestyle they want me to follow is toxic for me and that I would be miserable for me if I just lived like that. Now I have 15 days left at my place which I lived in for ten months and in August I will move to a new apartment where I’ll have four flatmates and one roommates, I’m completely clueless how living with a roommate would be but I’m excited to try it, also it’s much cheaper so why not. Yesterday it was Noura’s birthday, Noura is my friend from Jordan who is working with me now, she is the most responsible person I ever met, she’s intelligent, mature, caring and sweet. I made her a chocolate cake and we surprised her at her room. It was a good night. On the way back Sakki and I smoked a joint and walked for an hour and had some good talks. I feel good about things these days, Sakki is my french-indian friend who is staying with me right now and it’s crazy how well we are getting along, we did yoga and swimming together, she has so much energy and she is making me like healthy food which I never thought would happen. At work, I’m having a major crush on one of my colleagues, Adam. He is so mysterious and always on guard. For me, it’s a challenge, I want to get to know him, I want to see his vulnerable side and know all about his life and his family and experiences. Today we were supposed to go swimming together and i was so nervous because it’s weird for me that he sees me in a swimsuit and he was supposed to teach me to swim which means he would be not only seeing a lot of me but also touching it. However, luckily for me weather is bad so we cannot go. I hope we will get to do something together though because I like him so much, he is sweet and funny at the same time super smart and cute, when he laughs my heart just melts. Yesterday he told me what my name means in Slovak and he was smiling so sweetly I was so distracted thinking about it the whole day. I am not sure how I feel about having such a strong crush on someone. I like the adrenaline rush when he’s around and to steal glances at him during training and to use it as an excuse to stare at his eyes when he is asking a question but at the same time I feel weak that he has such strong influence on me and I am afraid he doesn’t feel the same about me and I don’t want to be rejected, I mean who does? Sakki is now bothering me and asking me to get ready to go grocery shopping and trying to read my blog so I guess i’m gonna go. I want you to know that I love you, admire you and care for you so much. You are maybe not the best person on earth, maybe you’re not such a good selfless person but you are doing just fine. Please, promise me, you will stay strong, ambitious and determined. Life is weird but you can handle it because last night you had a dream that you forgot people in the washing machine and they died because they have no oxygen but when you took them out they were alive so Rana, you totally beat life when it comes to weirdness , trust me. 

It just makes no sense that in Harry Potter people get sorted when they are 11 and then they stay in the same house forever. Because people tend to change, a lot and in no time, maybe not all people but at least you do. So, i guess this would be the topic I discuss with JK Rowling when we have our first buddy to  buddy conversation. 

Gotta take a shower now. Take care, peace out.

[skinniettastripper]

[skinniettastripper]

21/05/2017

I don’t know what I want or who I am or who I want to be I don’t know how I feel I don’t know what I need I don’t know who I want but I feel like nobody wants me I feel like I don’t want to be here but I want to want it I’m very thirsty, I haven’t spoken to anyone today (except mum but that doesn’t count). I am very tired. I am sad and bored and scared and confused. So there you go, I just sorted my feelings out I don’t know how to make myself feel better I was always so used to being alone but now when I spend some time alone it makes me weird and uncomfortable I don’t know how to enjoy my company anymore. I used to love reading now I don’t read, I feel like I am doing things that I don’t like just because I want to fit in, I don’t want people to think I’m different because of different cultures or something idk at the same time I’m enjoying myself but I don’t always feel good about it. I don’t know if I wrote this but I was asked out in the street by random guys like four times this semester. I kissed two other erasmus guys that I don’t like just because I was so drunk. I kind of brought to myself the slut reputation or something. A lot of times when I’m out with friends I feel different and I feel like they feel I’m different. I had my last erasmus party last week, I was the drunkest I’ve been and I went home with one of the guys whom I kissed because I was drunk, however, I don’t remember anything I don’t remember how we ended up together that night, I don’t remember how we left why we left and why I left with him and why I went to his place and why we were both naked when I woke up in the morning. I remember that he wanted to have sex of course he does why else would a girl go home with him, I was almost passed out and I remember he took off my pants and touched me and I said “no I just want to sleep” and he said “come on it’s just fifteen minutes” and I said no and I don’t remember him being naked but when I woke up he was sleeping naked next to me. The next day, I didn’t know what to do, I felt ashamed and embarrassed and disgusted at myself, I didn’t remember what happened and whether anything happened or not, I didn’t know if I should ask him or not. He told his friend that “we fucked” then he told my friend that he didn’t remember anything. I decided to confront him then I saw him and I couldn’t go near him, I  could bear seeing his face or listening to his voice. Yesterday I was out with a huge group of friends and he was there, my friend promised me she would keep him away from me, but I was alone for a moment and there he came and he started talking to me, he probably thought I was drunk again and gonna go home with him or something, he said hi and asked what’s up and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything back I felt so uneasy and violated, my friend saw us and she came and so I just went with her and ignored him then I went to the restroom and cried. I didn’t know it meant so much to me or that it mattered. I talked about it to my friend but I don’t want to be overreacting or seem like I’m seeking attention. After that night, I felt terrible I let myself get out of control so much, and I remembered what you used to say to me that I hate not being in control and that I always have to do things on my own terms and I realized that I don’t even know who I am anymore, I thought that I liked myself now i thought that i was becoming more confident I have so many friends I am always going out and travelling but I never read anymore, I don’t feel passionate about school anymore except I actually do I have some awesome classes this semester but still I was never someone who cared so much about attention or having lots of friends or people liking her, I was the outsider and I was ok with it but I guess now there are people I actually like and want to hang out with so it’s fine but at the same time I feel like I need to sort out my priorities. It is so scary Pavan, I am so scared of just thinking about how much has changed I am so fucking scared of just look back to how I was then and how I am now. I have absolutely nothing  and no one certain in my life right now I don’t know what’s going to happen I can’t think of anything or anyone in my life that I can say they’re still gonna be there iin two months for sure.

I was writing this on my blog but I realized I needed to say this to you. I could never say this to anyone else.

[skinniettastripper]

April 05 2017

Ok so LET ME GET THIS OUT. Actually it’s now April 9 but I just wanted to write about April 5 so quickly because I’m so fucking tired i just came back from Cesky Krumlov, beautiful city! ok so basically the reason i wanted to blog on fifth was because it was an interesting day, I bought weed for the first time from a drug dealer and it felt so cool i was waiting for him in an empty place he came and when i opened my purse to pay he shoved the weed in it, so lovely!! Hmmm what else oh I went to the teahouse with Luca and Maelle, (cute girls i am spending time with during this semester) and we were playing a game and maelle asked who do you think slept with the most guys and they both pointed at me,,,what?!! also she asked who do you think can seduce a guy the fastest and it was also me for some reason.!? i mean i must say i’m flattered but I guess they think I’m a slut or something..ahh i have to wake up early tomorrow to do homework! I will blog about Adam later, i’m gonna go take a shit now, ciao xxx

[skinniettastripper]

13 March 2017

Away from my parents and siblings, I have become the best version of myself I have ever been and that surely means something. Sometimes your family can be toxic and it is not such a terrible idea to cut them off. It does not make you selfish. You do not owe them an explanation. My family ruined me and filled me with insecurities and self doubts and a feeling of inferiority and now that they are not there I have become a much better person. That does not make me ungrateful or a bitch and if it does well then let it be because I finally feel normal and I do not intend on letting go of that anytime soon. 

If you think me dressing as I want or showing hair or having a picture of me on whatsapp is me disrespecting you then you have got problems that you need to sort out away from me. shew.... 

[skinniettastripper]

I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE THE NEW ED SHEERAN ALBUM SO FUCKING MUCH I LOVE LITTLE SHEERAN I JUST WANNA KIDNAP HIM AND HIDE HIM IN BED AND SPOON WITH HIM FOREVER AND EVER.......AND EVER.

It is Saturday and I have absolutely no plans today. I feel good. I was just dancing I danced for like an hour and took videos of it and I actually like how my bum looks like heheehe... And now I am listening to Hearts Don’t Break Around Here. I am just feeling fearless recently..It is crazy how much I changed and how little I noticed it. I have become such a positive person (relatively) I have realized that I am now someone people describe as “talkative, easy going, smiles a lot”.

I am currently dating someone, his name is Menke, he is 31 and Dutch. He has two cats and plays the piano and he is super sweet and such a good kisser (even though he always taste like food!!!pfft). Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to be exclusive and I mean I don’t know..there are reasons I do not want to be exclusive. First, I am an Erasmus student, I want to go to parties and make out with boys whose names I don’t know, also girls. Second, I am not over Pavan yet, a lot of times when Menke is holding me or kissing me or even during an intense makeout session my mind would wander off to think of Pavan, I am always trying to not think of him but sometimes I cannot help it, I am still very much in love with him and i have this notion that I would never be happy unless I end up with Pavan or someone EXACTLY like him, like identical. Which is weird because Pavan was not even such a good boyfriend, he was my perfect man but he was not good at being in a relationship and he was always too busy. And now I have someone who treats me as a priority and surprises with the best gestures; like on our third date he played one of my favorite songs for me (she had the world, pan!c at the disco) on his piano, he learned it just to play it for me, how sweet is that?? I don’t deserve it really. And, he got us tickets to go to the opera because i said I liked how people dress up to go to the opera and he is such a good listener I really do enjoy spending time with him, I do not know what is wrong with me but I know that eventually I am going to push him away.

The other day I was walking in the street and some guy followed and stopped me and started speaking to me in Czech, I said “hi” to let him know that I don’t speak Czech so he started talking in English and he told me that he just saw me and thought I was beautiful so he wanted to say hi. Now on normal terms I would think that he is creepy BUT he is super cute and tall and really good looking so I just talked to him, we talked for ten minutes then he asked to add me on Facebook and to see me later and I agreed and we went out and it was terrible, he is boring and very childish and not a good kisser AND when he found out I had a cold he wouldn’t even get close to me. However, he did tell me how to get weed so that was good. He asked me out again I said “we’ll see”, maybe I will give him another chance when I am bored.

This semester is turning out to be better than I expected. At first, all of my friends left and I was worried that I am going to end up alone and not find any new friends but then I met this Jordanian guy from my university back home and he brought Aga with him, a Polish girl I had met before in the first semester and then Aga asked me if I wanted to join her going out that night and I did and I met new people and now I have some friends and I know the new people and I got to quiz night and parties and it is all good.

I registered for ten classes at the beginning of this semester, then it felt like too much. I really don’t feel like being constantly stressed in my last semester here. I want to have fun and experience things and make friends and travel and see the world and improve myself as a person. I want to become more confident and responsible and positive about things and social, I want to learn to be more accepting and to not take things personally and to believe in myself and ultimately to love the person I have become. I want to get over my obsession with becoming skinny and having thin legs and it is happening I believe..I am happier now. I feel like I finally have friends I actually like. And I am not afraid of what the future holds, I know I am strong and whatever happens I can overcome it. It is MY life, my family does not own me, I do not owe them and eventually I will make sure they realize that and no matter how lost and confused I get now, I will find my way in the future so I am going to relax and enjoy and live in the moment for now.

Today I made my own peanut butter and it turned out to be tHE BOMB. I am so happy with it because I eat so much peanut butter usually in my oatmeal every morning so I spend a lot of money on peanut butter and the other day my flatmate told me “do you know how to make peanut butter” and I said “You can do that” and so she told me how and it is actually pretty simple so I made it today and it is really really good even better than the one I buy so I am going to be saving a lot of money yyaayy.

I am thinking of going for a swim today, I got a nice swim suit so why not. I am now going to have some lentil soup (which I made yesterday) and it is really good so yeah, oh and I finished Gossip Girl, it sucks but the finale is nice and I was super happy Blair and Chuck ended up together and have you seen how adorable their kid is?!!! I love babies at some point I have to admit that..

The classes I am taking this semester are pretty cool. Three of them are normal linguistics classes but the other two are interesting, one of them is called Gender Perspectives in social work and it is basically about feminism so YAY. And the other is called Islamic Political thought and the classes are super boring but I am hoping I can learn something from it.

I decided to stop wasting my life on TV shows (after Switched at Birth season 5) and to start reading and writing more. So yeah..

That is all I got to say for now I guess..will update you later.

You know you love me XOXO

Your favorite frog

March 4 2017

[skinniettastripper]

Feb 13 2017

Hello hello hello, I AM FINALLLLLLLLLY OUT OF MY CAST. Yes, I broke my ankle while ice skating and I could not walk for six freaking weeks, fun times indeed. So, I am now a single pretty independent lady, I am sitting at Starbucks at the moment, all alone BUT waiting for my date. I recently joined this dating app and so far I have met with three guys (one was 45..could I get any creepier?) (answer is yes) Anyway, I don’t know why I am nervous I mean all the guys I met with were intimidating when texting but super shy and awkward is real life which  i guess explains why they need a dating app to date but then again I’m super cute and funny and on the app so...I don’t know why I have to always be so unconventional and do things unconventionally like why rana why. I like me. I just thought, you never know unless you try and I want to know and dating through a dating app is not something I would ever do in Jordan so I might as well try while I am here...I am soo cold right now, don’t why the heating sucks in Starbucks, I was planning to just go home and buy some kfc on my way back but then Paul texted saying he will meet me in 30...cool, i guess? I have  become a person who goes on two dates in one day. Yep, I’m going wild because why not? Everyone I know in Brno left so I need to keep myself occupied in order not to be sucked back into my hole of emptiness and gloominess so far I have not met anyone interesting though. I guess what I really want is another Pavan, a pavan who lives here. I was today reading the short story that Pavan sent me the first time we talked, when I read it today it felt much more emotional than when I read it two years ago because it felt like it’s a person I know very well and care deeply about and that person feels that way. I also realized how amazing he is at expressing himself with words, I guess the thing I’m going to miss the most about having him is his love notes and what they did to me, I will always feel lucky to have been a person who received love and love notes from Pavan. I don’t know how this blog magically became about Pavan. Lately i have been obsessed with having sex (said a 21 year old virgin). No seriously like I feel like since I am now not committed to anyone I need to find the right guy to lose my virginity to and thing is, I want to have enough time to lose it and then be experienced, I wanna have had enough sex and to have tried kinky stuff before going back AND to have had slept with more than one guy (maybe not more than three though) lol who knows. I have been feeling better about myself, my looks that is, I mean yes I am still curvy, I still have cellulite and a belly and small boobs I still have an eye on a different level than the  other eye, I still have frizzy hair, I still have “Fat legs” but it just feels like as long as my mum and dad aren’t there to criticize me and bring me down, I am fine. So, the first guy I went out with was  not so bad, he’s not super hot or super funny or anything, he’s dutch BUT he has two cats so that’s a big bonus for him. Second guy was 45 and he was so cool until I actually met him, he even looked so much better in pictures lol I feel sorry for him though, he seems lonely and he has no one.. The third guy I met today looks better than both he’s tall and has nice eyes but he is sooooooooooooo shy and boring like ok he’s obviously smart and we might have things in common but I think his obsession with Japanese culture and his lack of humor stand in between us.But he is also nice and they all texted wanting to meet again so I feel bad about having to turn them down especially since I ended all meetings with “So, I hope we will meet again!”. Why do you put yourself in these situations Rana? I wonder. But i mean I’m not gonna turn myself into a charity case, what I want is to find a guy attractive and smart enough for me to sleep with and also fun people to hang out with who are not super shy. I mean everyone digs confidence right? Even though maybe what I am looking for is not what I should be looking for, I mean aren’t I shy and geeky and boring? No, definitely not boring, never. I am perfect. True. oh oh oh, I am currently watching Gossip Girl and I L O V E I T. It is so fucking dramatic and I think I could do with some drama right now. Blair Waldorf is my idol, everyday the time I spend watching (worshipping) her I become a better person. Much better at coming up with mean, witty replies. I don’t know how I survived without her before. She is a goddess.Anyway, I am gonna go to the restroom now to pee and fart and fix my hair before my date arrives, lets hope this one is not super boring. Bye bye. You know you love me XOXO. Rana

[skinniettastripper]

26 Dec 2016 3:29 AM

'm suddenly starting to regret this again,  why didn't I just stay. It was comfortable.  It was all for sure.  I was me. The person they know.  I miss my family so much. I miss my dad and mum and sisters so much and I need them but I lost them forever. Here,  I am not myself,  I was not myself back home either.  I have no idea who I am or who I am supposed to be. I thought leaving would be the magical solution that will fix everything but no. Maybe my family was never the problem and the only problem I have is me. I want my dad I want to tell him I have a broken ankle and to see him worried about me and to check on me,  I want my mum to take good care of me. I want my sisters to sit around me like they did when I broke my leg in forth grade.  Here, people are nice and they take care of me but I don't want it.  I just don't know what I want. Or maybe I know that what I want what I really want is just not possible. I don't know if I'm real or not. Everything feels so pointless right now.  I just hurt my family,  I hurt people who care about me,  all for nothing. I am just selfish. I am this terrible selfish being who only cares about herself and her happiness. I left behind all the people who care about me. I left them and hurt them and now my dad is unhappy because of me. He has been through so much and he thinks he is doing the best he could and he is suffering because my own little stupid silly rebellious mind. I could have just stayed. I could have just dressed like they wanted me to. I could have submitted. Graduated from college. Got myself a guy.  Lived like everyone else. Because maybe that would have been the closest I will ever be to happiness. I'm past believing in happiness at this point of my life but I am thinking I went too far. I don't know.

[skinniettastripper]

Brno Blues

Nov 21/2016 

Yesterday I spent the day at Sanaa’s and Oraib’s room, the Jordanian girls who are studying here as well. I pulled an all-nighter and then I went home, had breakfast, changed and headed to Starbucks, on my way, I went into the bookstore and I was thinking about how nice it is to just walk into nice bookstores that are five minutes away from your home and how free I felt and everything was so groovy I was truly truly happy and gay. Then I got to Starbucks, I wrote half of my homework (Which is a lot!!! I felt really motivated). Then I closed my eyes for a while because I was tired (duh?!) and when I woke up from my very short nap I was thinking about my family and how much I miss them, I really miss my mum, I don’t necessarily love her or even like her but I miss her, I miss her presence, I miss her walk, her perpetual complaints, her silly remarks, her everyday grocery shopping, the way she talked to Farida, I just miss it all so much. And I can’t believe that at some point of my life (pointS, to be more accurate) I wished she was dead. It’s crazy. I am a terrible person. I know. Does me knowing make me a less terrible person? Or just a more terrible person who is trying to look not so terrible by saying they recognize how terrible they are? hmm I’m not so sure but doesn’t matter because it’s me and I don’t know, I don’t know how terrible I am. I just know that I was SO OVER THE MOON and then I was all melancholic and I want to be home right now. I want to hug my mum, my dad, my sisters, and even my brother. I want to be lying on my bed and for sara to come sit next to me for her studying break and ask me to make her popcorn. I want Nada to ask me if I’m hungry at the middile of the night so we could go to the kitchen and eat together. I want Sawsan and Abood to be there and for Sawsan to keep nagging on us to make some tea and go drink it in the backyard. I want my dad to ask me to make him some tea or some espresso that isn’t actually espresso and then thank me like he always did. I miss the way my dad entered the home from work singing when he was a good in a mood. I want Muhammad to ask me what movie we can go watch and to look at my books and ask me about what I’m reading and ask me to make him lasagna. I want Farida to come scream at my window at dawn and wake me up. I want mum to wake me up on friday saying she’s going to buy hummus and ask me if she should get falafel even though every time she asks I say yes and then when I say yes she says ok then get up and make the tea and prepare the table until I come back. I think I will never know the feeling of home again. Even though, during my last years with them I did not feel safe I still felt home and now I abandoned that feeling forever. I abandoned the people who loved me, I abandoned the me that they loved but the me that loves them, she’s still there, she will always be but the me that is there now and that loves them, they will never get to know, they will never accept let alone love. Oraib today was telling me about how it was when she said goodbye to her family before leaving and it just hurt like hell because not only I didn’t get to say goodbye but the day I left (also the whole week before that) I looked at them like monsters that I should be super careful and quiet around. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to think about how much I’ll miss them. And worst of all, I don’t know if I will ever see them again. I know for sure I will never have that feeling of home again because they will never look at me the same anymore because I disappointed because they never saw it coming because it is not their fault but I made them feel like it was because I never let them know why I did what I did because it is all just so much more than I could handle, you know? I had to choose between facing them and telling them the truth and then getting the harsh judgment and cruel reality that they will never accept me. Or I could just run, and running sounded so much easier. Way more selfish, yeah but god it seemed way too easier. “They can’t look me in the eye, it’s like they’re scared of me” “but they don’t recognize me now in the light of day” that’s in Adele’s Million Years Ago and that song right now speaks to me. That is how it would be if I go back to them. “I wish I could live a little more, look up to the sky not just the floor” that is also me because I think my only option would be to end my life at the end of this year. “I only wanted to have fun, learning to fly learning to run...” also me when I decided to do what I did. It’s just all so me, it’s like this song was written about me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel bad I did what I did to my family because they don’t deserve it. And maybe I should have just stayed and had a bad life instead of leaving and then living with guilt. I don’t know, I’m just scared. Because maybe I only have a few months to live now. And I still don’t know the first thing about myself. I still haven’t had ANY of the experiences I know I should have, because I don’t know what comes next, or if anything does come next at all. Is that it? Could this be it? But why? Why did I exist at all if this was it? Why is my mind like that and why does my mind not fit in its fucking place. I don’t want to blame the universe. I am reckless but a lot of times, other people’s emotions and humanity just skips my mind, I ridicule it way too much and I forget that not everyone is like me. Not everyone looks at something that’s a big deal and thinks “ah, whatever”. People have feelings, people think a lot. People CARE. And people cared about me and I did not care about them. I let them down and I made them sad in order for myself to be happy. In order for my temporal happiness I am letting my parents die sad. What kind of person does that?!!!!!!!!!! fuck religion, fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it