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SNL did that™

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I had a dream abt weed

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Realistically as a super hero if you hear “the hulk is on a rampage” and your super power is something simple like flight or invisibility, you really gonna go try to stop him? Or will you just turn your phone off and fake like you were asleep the whole time?

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How Bert snapped

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Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.

Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.

Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.

Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

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omgggg

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BBQ

blease be quiet

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When he finally says those words you wanna hear 😍😍😍😍

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My husband and I are surprising our 6 year old by taking him to Disney for his b-day tomorrow. We’ve been in the car for 4+ hours and he still thinks we are on our way home from school. He keeps saying “looks like we’re almost home!” 😂

Bless his heart.

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it still fucks me up that humans lay eggs

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I really try to challenge Canadian stereotypes at every opportunity but today I was walking down Young St. in Toronto and a firetruck honked very loudly and I clutched my chest and said “MY WORD” and as it drove past, a fireman leaned out of the window and apologized to me  so I just don’t know