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skullposse-blog · 8 years ago

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A Farewell

I’m going to be blunt about this – my muses and I will be leaving NatPark, most likely permanently. I will be re-purposing Wes’s, Lane’s, and Green’s blogs, so please be sure to unfollow after you’ve read this message. I also have a personal Tumblr, as well as a Skype and Discord for any of you who wish to continue to communicate with me after this point. Just please send any of my three boys a Tumblr message (preferably Wes’s, as I’ll be logged onto his on mobile) and I’ll respond as soon as I can.

I’ll have a full explanation for my leaving under the cut, but please be aware that the topics I will address and bring up under the Read More will be highly controversial, especially to those of you who still remain in the group. I will completely understand if you do not want to handle such subject matter, so for those of you who don’t read under the cut, I’ll make my farewells here as well.

The National Park was my first ever Pokemon Roleplay group. It was a group I turned to in a time of deep sorrow and desperation, and when I was lonely and, really, had nobody else. I found a community here that was irreplaceable in their kindness, and made me feel welcome, and as though I belonged, for as brief a period of time as it was. There were moments here between my three muses that I will honestly never forget, and I only hoped you all enjoyed Wes, Lane, and Green as much as I enjoyed playing them. My writing has improved in vast quantity, quality, and speed during my time here (I’d found myself in a creative ‘rut’ of sorts before this group as well), and I find myself more outgoing and personable as a result of all of the one-on-one and group conversations I’ve had exposure to, due to NatPark.

My largest regret that I face will be that I’ll have to lose these loving members of the community, and in part – for those of you who enjoyed my time here – that you’ll be losing me. I want you all to know that you’ve improved my writing, and most importantly, happiness, a great, great amount, and for that, there isn’t a ‘thank you’ that’s big enough to put into words. It pains me to tears as I write this that I’ll have to lose those threads, and most importantly, you all as a result of this, and I can only hope you all can message me sometime in the future and find out what I’m going to be bringing to the table (I have big plans! But they’re not quite public yet…), as I will be continuing Pokemon RPing, just… not in this space here. Again, for those of you reading, know that I’m just… so deeply sorry that I couldn’t stay longer, and that I love you all so, so much.

Never forget that, and until next time, farewell. Ji-Ji ★

The following below the cut will contain highly controversial matter in regard to the reasons in which I find myself unable to stay within the group. I only ask and beg that those of you who will read below will take what I say with an open heart, and open mind. Also please be aware that my explanation into the controvery is extremely long, with the word count for that section alone being about 6000 words. Please try and understand that these are deep-seeded emotions built up across four months, all being laid out in a single post. If you do not wish to continue due to the length, I entirely understand; I myself am upset that it had to come out to be this lengthy. But I do ask that, if you do wish to read past the cut, that you do read it in its entirety, as every topic that I speak of is important in the understanding of why I have to do what I am doing now – in both my leave, and lengthy explanation.

Thank you for your understanding.

I am not lying when I say that this community had made me feel like a part of a greater circle of friends, and family. In the earlier parts, when NatPark was at a peak towards December and January when I had joined, I truly felt as though I was part of this great system of friends and loving individuals. But I find myself speaking a slight lie when I say that every single member has made me feel welcome and loved and important – otherwise I would not be leaving – so such is not truly the case. There has been but one single person who’s forced my hand, and taken me to a place and degree and level that I simply don’t feel comfortable and safe here in this community anymore. Had it not been for the fact that I now feel like a target, I can assure that I would never have allowed myself to leave, simply because of my love and adoration for you all that I’ve come to call my friends (hell, I’ve even debated sitting through the alienation and antagonizing just to stay here, but I figured I wouldn’t allow that torture, even if it meant staying here with some of the people who make the experience so sweet).

I am not a person who likes to cause drama; for those of you who’ve briefly known me and spoken to me, perhaps you’ve known that I’m the kind of person who will be the individual that you can rant to, and vent to, and talk about your day with. It’s always been the kind of person I am – a tolerant, loving, trusting listener of sorts. It takes a great deal of stress and pressure and discomfort to push me to the point that I’ve come to now. I’ve debated for some time whether or not I should explicitly mention names (and even go into detail as far as I have now), but I’ve decided that making such people explicit will allow those who are reading – who are not that individual – to know and be rest assured that they are not the individual who’s hurt me to this point. I’m also aware that I’m not innocent in this matter, and that, in hindsight, there were perhaps things that me and this individual could have spoken about and talked over and that, perhaps, in doing so, we could have resolved some matters peacefully.

I find this a stretch, however, as I am not the only victim of hers. I can only speak alone as an individual with my individual plights, but I also know from personal experience that there are several people who have been in my exact situation (in fact, it’s sad how many people have told me ‘you’re not the first’ that this has happened to); to give you a number while not saying individual names, I can count more people who’ve been pushed so far by her on more than one hand – myself excluded.

I obviously cannot and will not (for their safety) speak of these individuals’ experiences, and will only speak for my own, but let it be known that the controversy here is in regards to the Mod herself, Cas. Again, I’d debated whether or not to put her name out into the open, and whether, instead, to ‘vague’ about her the entire time, but I felt it would only be fair for those of you reading this not to panic and worry that, perhaps, you may have been the person who’d done me wrong. I don’t want that room for doubt here. To everyone besides her, you’ve all given me such a positive experience here, but I hope now that those who are reading understand why my hand was forced, and why I have to leave now.

Cas is the Mod of this group; for personal reasons unrelated to my RP skill, prowess, and consistency, I believe she’s come to dislike me in a way I can no longer take back, and also in a way I feel is an unfair reason for her to dislike me. As well as all of this, there have been a few actions, remarks, and goings-on that she has said and disclosed to me during the time of me having personally been her friend (about late December to early February) that, in that short time of about two months, has left me discomforted. Combine that with a falling-out we have recently had, I no longer feel safe in NatPark with her as Mod over it.

As said before, I am not a person who likes to cause drama. Without the attachment of a self-compliment, I’d like to believe that I am a trusting individual, and willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. It is for this reason that I was willing to trust Cas when she had first approached me. It is also for this reason that, especially earlier in our friendship, that I had come to look past some of her more incriminating and cruel words that she would speak very explicitly about other individuals – those in different groups, past NatPark members, and then-current NatPark members – and come to trust her and believe that these individuals that she would speak of would be as she would say they were – in the wrong, and that she was the hapless victim. I further believe that, if you personally speak to her, she will say these same things about me – hence why I find it necessary, despite my dislike of drama, to plead my own case.

While there are many, many examples of how she’s personally come to discomfort me, I simply cannot go into each and every event due to a few reasons. First and foremost, it is due to the personal nature of it all. While I’ll disclose some of the topics that disturbed me, I’ll only speak of the issues which affected me personally; after all, albeit Cas has greatly upset me with the things she may have spoken of, most of what she had told me was during private messaging, where a certain amount of confidence is; I don’t believe it is my place to talk about the things I disagree with that don’t regard me personally. The second reason would be that… there were some things we spoke of that personally disturbed me past my ability to speak of it, and more-so, past my want and ability to put it out in a public space, due to just how sensitive the subject matter is. And lastly, of course, there were many, many things she’d done, even personally to me. Listing all of them, as well as my personal grievances towards them, would just… take up too much space.

I believe it is only fair and appropriate to start my discussion by saying this: there was a point, early on in our relationship, where I felt as though we were close. In that period of time, we had genuinely been friends, and I genuinely cared about her (and yes, I still do), even considering her my closest friend in NatPark. I remember I would oftentimes consider myself lucky that, of all the people I was friends with, it was the Mod. Those days that we were close aligned alongside some of the happiest memories I had in the Park, and I found them only sweetened by her being there. I want to iterate that, while my grievances are undeniable, I still do fully understand and regard her as a multi-faceted human being – with both merits and flaws – who has genuinely helped me to become a better person, and was there for me in times of hurt and personal turmoil, just as well as she’s come to hurt me. To speak of only her negative experiences towards me would be to state falsities; it’s not as though our entire experience together was me living through a living hell. Some of the lessons she has taught me is why I am able to write this message today, with the confidence and with only a nominal amount of fear to be able to put myself out there, and stand up for myself. So believe me when I say, there were some things she has taught me that have been irreplaceable, positive life lessons. Such are how friends are – they help one-another grow into better individuals. But I can say that, now as I reflect on our experiences these months later, that I, perhaps, invested too much trust into the ‘rose-colored glasses,’ so to speak, when it came in regards to her.

This is also to say that I am not innocent in the way I’ve handled myself thus far to Cas, even to this day. There were perhaps things I could have changed, and could have discussed. I was not perfect in how I conducted myself, both while I was close to her, and when I began to drift away, even onto when we had our falling-out. I have no excuses for my actions, and I will not shy away from my guilt; however, I also fully understand that there is nothing that I can do about it now to be able to change it, and I feel personally as though the punishment which I received over such a matter outweighed my conduct – which I felt, even in my moments which were ‘unfair’ – that I was never demonizing nor cruel to her.

Where I find myself discomforted by Cas is on three fronts which are displayed by several examples – which I will attempt to my best ability to keep concise and brief; however, even as I had come to understand and think through exactly what made it so displeasing and upsetting, I found myself having to explain much of it to myself to justify it, so please bear with me.

I must disclaim that some of the subject matter I will speak of will contain some very NSFW content – solely because of the fact that the subject has come up several times, with or without my wanting of it to happen in such a way. That being said, it leads me to my first topic of disagreement and friction.

As many of you might know, Cas and I, in a way, developed Lane together, mostly as a complement and fanboy of Guzma. I know this because many of you enjoyed their dynamic, and Lane’s crush on him. For a while, yes, I, too, believed it was cute because, at the time, Cas and I were close, and I trusted her. The topic that I speak of is rather small in comparison, and in truth, it is difficult to say who is to blame, in the fact that I did not speak up over the matter as much as I perhaps should have.

I do not mind engaging in NSFW headcanons, as well as images, discussions, and roleplay over it. However… it came to an odd sort of point where conversations involving Guzma and Lane would seemingly only turn to NSFW content, even in moments where I would personally ask her to make it lighthearted and fluffy. Nearly every conversation we would end up having in regards to Guzma and Lane would end up sexual in some way, whether I had wanted it to go down that path or not.

I must admit, at first, I did enjoy such headcanons, and engaged in them openly with full enjoyment. It is not even as though she had ever made me uncomfortable in regards to these NSFW headcanons; it is simply that… after three months of speaking about our characters, still, she could only ever focus on Lane in a sexual way, and in that regard, I felt discomforted. I felt as though Lane was only ever being perceived, not as a muse and an individual, but an accessory to Guzma, and a sexual object for his pleasure – Lane, who I would like to emphasize, is my least sexual muse. At the very least, it all became tiring, in that every scenario we would ever come up with, I knew, would eventually – in some way shape or form, and no matter how unlikely – would become sexual. But I feel as though to say that would just be a personal gripe.

Again, this is the topic in which I felt as though I could have done the most to have prevented my own discomfort; however, I will go on to explain why I also, paradoxically, felt as though I could not.

The term that could best summarize what I could consider Cas would be a ‘gaslighter,’ with gaslighting being “a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target’s belief. (x)”

When I was first approached by Cas, as stated before, I had trusted her and come to believe her words; such is the way I am. For example, if you today were to tell me about somebody who had upset you, I would immediately jump to your side for the sake of comfort, and for the benefit of the doubt. I obviously do not know this other person’s story (who had upset you), but you are my friend, and fellow NatPark member, so I would be willing to listen and sympathize, and empathize. Such is how I was with Cas (and still continue to be as a human being). However, the people she had discussed to me as people who had upset her were people who were, at the time, very current members of the Park, and as well, were people who I’ve now come to learn and understand their stories from their perspectives.

What you have to understand about my knowledge of how Cas portrayed herself is that she displayed certain individuals in a way that made them seem vindictive, horrible, and almost inhuman in their cruelty. She displayed these people as backstabbers, liars, and traitors, trumping up the wrongs – that I would like to emphasize that she had only perceived to be wrongs – where some of their actions were simply that of… taking up a muse in another group. The way I would always understand and read Cas’s comments as would be that of a victim, unable to take responsibility for any wrong (even wrongs that she may have committed alongside another), and that the other individual was the one who was to blame, nearly every single time, and that she was to be owed an apology of sorts, or was justified a disproportionately-large amount of anger, and retribution, over these conflicts.

Because of her bastardizing portrayals of others, one of my largest discomforts that I ended up finding, along with this victim complex, was how she had approached me over the matter. The earliest recounting of an experience she had with another group was within two weeks of me joining. At the time, I was quiet and impressionable, but also extremely trusting, and wanting to belong, and over the months I had come to know her, she had told me a great deal of gossip and personal beliefs regarding other individuals (as mentioned before, in a cruel, vindictive way). I, myself, as a result, had come to believe these people to be the way she had portrayed them. I, myself, had been twisted into becoming a vindictive person, just as she was, thinking rudely of others, and believing them to be horrible individuals, when I truly had no justification for doing so.

It becomes an even more discomforting situation when I had chosen to suspend my judgment of these individuals when I was speaking to them face-to-face. I have the ability to not allow what others have said about another affect how I address that other. It was due to these personal conversations with those that Cas had insulted that I was able to find out, for myself, their sides of the story, and the larger picture of exactly who Cas is, and I can only ever find myself ashamed that I had ever thought so ill of them in the past.

Where the criticism comes in is the way in which Cas handled her telling me this information. Where I will not tell you, for the sake of these individuals’ privacy, the names of who she insulted so harshly, Cas had, in fact, dropped names. As a Mod, I would have believed her to attempt to be free of judgment, or at least, to not let it influence her decisions; however, I can only ask that you follow the implications of this.

The National Park is supposed to be a group that is a community of cohesion, love, and understanding. The Mod of said group who preaches these morals had explicitly stated to a new member, wide-eyed and trusting, her hatred of her fellow members within her own group. I, as that new member, found myself dividing up the group into the goods and the bads. I found myself labeling individuals as Cas had labeled them – those who she hated, she wanted me to hate; those who she loved, she wanted me to love. And as I came to the disillusionment of finding out from the other individuals, that she hated, their side of the story, and became more neutral and understanding of my viewpoint, I found myself speaking to her without the vindictive passion that I once had over these individuals when she would bring them up.

My neutrality bothered her. My willingness to see both sides began to upset her, and when she would then speak of the “horrible” experiences she faced because of these individuals and would not go into detail, she would become upset when I would ask for an explanation for the sake of clarity and understanding, stating that it was not my place to know. For context, she had called a then-current member an ‘asshole,’ and when I had asked what had constituted calling said person such a thing, she refused to tell me. My immediate reaction over the matter was, “why should I believe said person is an asshole if you’ve given me no reason to believe it?” I had come to reflect that, in the past months, this exact thing was something she employed of my emotions. She had given me no reason to hate these individuals besides one overdramaticized experience from her own perspective of scorn, and I sympathized with that. And I sided with her over that.

In all of the experiences she’d told me of, in regards to people who had hurt and scorned her, she would always emphasize how much it had hurt her, and how betrayed she felt, and that this other individual was horrible, disgusting, and vile for doing this to her. I know, because I have experienced her saying these things about other people, but I myself have also been found to be in her crosshairs. I remember vividly, times where I would give her constructive criticism (especially to that of the way she portrays her muses), when she would ask me specifically to give her constructive criticism about them; however, once I had pointed out a note of criticism, she could only ever emphasize that she felt horrible because of what I said, insult herself, and continue to emphasize that she had felt horrible – because of me. I need to remind you all that she had asked this of me, and that, at no point in time, had I slandered the way her muses were played; I had never said ‘they’re horrible,’ ‘I don’t like them,’ ‘they’re disgusting’ – or anything along those lines. I had offered her constructive criticism that perhaps this aspect was something she could consider for her muse, because in the canon dialogue, I had noticed the character does this certain aspect that was not presented by her muse. She chose to say that she wanted said muse to fit her characterization, regardless of canon. Of course I, who was being asked to compare and criticize this character, had used canon as a source of reference. At the end of the day, however, she became what I felt was defensive, and would not listen to the words I had to speak, only emphasizing her own pain and own upset, asking an apology of me over something, that I reiterate, she asked of me.

Likewise, to be brief, I had an earlier experience with her that made her feel ‘slighted’ (as she put it) – as though I was minimizing the effort she put forth to comforted me. In reality, I was attempting to be lighthearted, but my explanation does not matter now, in that she made it very explicit that, in being lighthearted, I had made her feel slighted and upset, and wished for a very lengthy apology from me. The following induced a panic attack in me. That is not the topic in which I am upset about, however, as she did not know the following would induce that in me.

What did upset me was her conduct in which she spoke to me, as I was clearly stating that I was panicking. Instead of taking the moment to comfort me from my panic attack, what she focused on her want of the lengthy apology, which I can only believe she felt I owed her more than my own ability to be coherent enough to even think outside of my own panic. While she did apologize to me over the course of the rather unnatural exchange of apologies (they were very business-like, and according to this link which she wanted me to model my apology after), at no point did she choose to comfort me in my panic. Instead, I had to write paragraph after paragraph to the point of emotional numbness, and only then did I recover on my own.

From my personal experience, Cas’s judgment and, truly, sense of entitlement, showed itself in other ways as well. I can recall clearly she would insult other then-current members over their writing styles, writing lengths, and how they portrayed their muses. Such was extended to me as well. A small example I can bring up was in regards to Green. I found myself very insecure about Green for the short while between reserving him, and creating his first ever post on NatPark. It reassured me greatly knowing so many of you enjoyed him for his flamboyance, and his grandiose, simply for the fact that Cas, at first, had questioned his sexuality. As I submitted the blog for her to review, I remember distinctly her saying she felt ‘disappointed’ that Green was gay, and asked me why he was. In my mind, there doesn’t need to be a justification for a character’s sexuality, and her asking that of him has many implications in my mind, many of which were negative. It would be as though to ask ‘why is Clair straight?’ Is there a deep-seeded reason for such a thing that requires explanation?

This further extended to my insecurity of Green’s mental illness – borderline personality disorder. I had felt very passionate about this disorder in regards to him, simply for the fact that I am borderline, and understand his actions and worldview through this lense. Cas could only make me feel insecure about giving him the disorder, as I was ‘projecting;’ however… who does not project onto their muses? It was also a disorder that she, like many others, had only just now learned about, and yet her feelings and opinionated words towards the disorder were rather negative, and absolute, over a disorder that she has known for only a matter of minutes, whereas I had lived with it, understanding and diagnosed, for over five years. It is as though to insult somebody over their depression, and that they should cheer up and not let it affect them. Such is the similar way she had spoken to me about my BPD, and Green’s, and I found such a way of speaking of it horribly insulting.

My last point comes from a place of deep disturbance. I had known about her qualms with different RP groups from as early as December; however, at the time, looking forward to early March, I had already hit the muse cap of three within the Park, and it was my want and desire to expand out with many muses and many threads, with many people. I am the type of person who can carry many, many muses with many backstories, and I had had an itching for a particular character. With my knowledge of Cas’s qualms of other groups, I had sent a particular group a reserve, with the specific request to make the ask private. This is to say that, at the time of the reserve, nobody would know who had reserved said character besides the Mods of that group, and that my personal blog and name would never, at any point, be reflected on the group’s hub page.

However, on the night my character had gotten accepted, I had spoken with Cas. The very first subject she spoke of outside of simple introductions asked if I was enjoying my time on this other group – this other group, which she had no way of knowing that I was a part of, unless she was to click onto the link of my muse’s blog, and would have seen my name in his Starter Call (where I always make brief introductions, including my name). The implications of this, I find disturbing, being that she compulsively checks on this other group’s RP blog hub on a regular basis, checking through each and every individual member’s blogs, and possible members themselves. I am told that this is not the first time that NatPark members were asked personally about their joining other groups, with or without private reserves.

Continuing even still, after she had asked such a question (when, personally, I felt she had no right to know without becoming a bit… obsessive), her warm welcome was cut short with warnings about the evils of said group, and went on, again, about how they had personally hurt her, and about her vindication over the matter, calling out specific members within the group. The implication that I could perceive was that of divide once again, similarly to how she spoke to me early on in NatPark in regards to its own members – as though she wanted me to be specifically avoidant or act different to these named individuals, despite her earlier well-wishes, and that she had wanted me to find a hatred in my heart going into the group, as well as a wariness to never get close to them, due to either the fact that they had hurt her, or because she wanted to spite them through me with what would have possibly been my exclusion of them from my threads, or both.

At this point, however, I had come to understand both sides of the story regarding Cas’s vitriol regarding said group, and from my impressions of both known and unknown members that I do not believe – at the time of her ‘warnings’ to me – she was aware of. Still, I find her attempt to deter me from a group, and/or certain members of that group that I had recently just joined to be… unprofessional, to say the least.

I also want to emphasize that had a falling out of sorts earlier this week. It is because of this falling out that I feel I must leave now, as all of this buildup and understanding of Cas’s scorn for individuals she does not like will only ever lead to that member’s ultimate alienation – and in this falling out, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with RP, I feel as though things will not be the same, and that rumors about me will spread to others, just as she had spread rumors of others to me so easily.

To put it simply, Cas asked of me if I was ‘even interested in continuing our friendship,’ after stating to me in just the prior response that it ‘honestly it feels as if you’ve withdrawn fully an that our friendship meant nothing.’ This was after a month of disillusionment for the perception of others that Cas had built up in me, and my language to her appeared different because I had come to understand what kind of an individual she truly was; however, while minimizing our three months prior of friendship felt rude and extremely assumptive, as well as diminishing, I decided to give her the honest answer of ‘no.’

She then asked me why, to which I explained to her the above reason regarding this other group. Despite the fact that I had come to list this example as ‘first and foremost’ (to imply that there was more than one reason), she came to dismiss the notion and grow defensive about it as though it was the only reason I could possibly muster. She also came to blame me for not speaking up about it, despite now knowing I was shocked, confused, and rather terrified of the notion. I would like to believe a fair Mod and friend would be concerned that their friend is scared of something they had done, rather than get defensive and blame them for not speaking up; instead, I would’ve liked to think she could reflect and think ‘why were they creeped out, and what could I have done differently?’ But I have accepted the fact that these are not the sorts of thoughts that Cas relays to me, and to others. Instead, she blamed, and that I should have said something, despite my emphasis that I cannot change the past, and could only move forward.

From the end of that conversation, she dismissed any more reasons and qualms that I may have had with her, which had resulted in my want to end our friendship, silencing my voice, and many of the experiences that she could have been privy to. Now that I reflect, however, I can only imagine that each situation would have ended with the same argument – that I should have said something, and the fact that I did not absolved her of any personal reflection or introspection after the fact. That, truly, if I would have wanted her to change, I should have been able to tell her concisely what I was feeling at the exact moment of the stressful incident, or else otherwise she has no reason to discuss it.

From that moment on, upon my removing her from Contacts, I have no longer felt like I am safe from whatever sort of biased judgment she now might place on me – and perhaps, what she may have said to others in regards to those final events between us.

I would like to close this lengthy farewell by emphasizing the extent of her pettiness and power by showing this example. On the National Park hub, she will only ever post that my muses have been dropped. I know, because I had come to an agreement to mutually drop my muses as a group with Trev, and Sparrow (and they have agreed that I may use their names to tell their mutual parts of their stories that they shared with me, in the dropping of their muses and thereafter). We had all sent in our requests to have our muses dropped; however, she did not publish our asks. It was only after Sparrow and Trev had published their own goodbyes, as I am doing, that she had finally come to drop them in posts that did not display our true feelings, and silenced our voices. I feel now that writing this farewell (length aside; I know it’s long) is the only way that she will even make a post signifying the dropping of Wes, Lane, and Green. I find this highly disrespectful, and rather terrifying in its implications.

With the power to disregard our asks, she has the power to disregard our voices. She has the power to create a smoke-and-mirrors world in which criticisms are deleted, and only praises are published. She creates a world where, had I not written this post here, many of you would only believe that I have dropped due to inactivity, and could only ask, ‘what happened to Ji-Ji?’ and you would never receive your answer. It is a world where she can lie to the members of NatPark over the statuses of their fellow members – that members who should long be dropped (and free up those muse slots, besides), are being clung onto until an appropriate Activity Check date, where they will be dropped without explanation, even when one is clearly given.

I want to emphasize that we did send our requests to be dropped – Sparrow, Trev, and I – on March 26th; however, she will not have processed my ask until after I make this post public, on March 30th, despite her activity with Mod asks consistently every day since.

This was the ask I had made in question:

I’m messaging to inform that I will be dropping my boys from the Park. I only regret that my thread partners will be losing either one or more threads due to this, but there was and still is a certain part of this community and system that makes me feel unsafe, and rather unwelcome. Maybe perhaps, one day, I can return, but that would only be if that aspect of the Park has changed for the better. I can only hope and pray it does. Until then, I’ve decided I should move on to greater, better, and more accepting places. I bid NatPark farewell, and I only hope and wish for the continued safety and happiness of those who remain here.

Due to length, the actual post had to be trimmed as the following:

I will be dropping my boys from the Park. My only regret is the thread partners who will lose me, but there was and still is a certain part of the Park that makes me feel unsafe and unwelcome. Maybe later I can return, but that would only be if that aspect of the Park has changed for the better. I can only hope and pray it does. Until then I’ve decided I should move on to greater, better, and more accepting places. I only hope and wish for the continued safety and happiness of those who remain.

Sparrow’s ask was the following:

I think I can no longer stay in the Park. I’d like to drop all three of my muses: N, Jeanne, and Selene. I met excellent people in my time here, but I’m no longer comfortable in this group, and don’t think that will change.

Cas creates a dangerous world, and a hostile environment where all appears quaint and pleasant simply due to the fact that nobody is allowed to speak ill of her.

But I am here. And my voice will not be silenced. This is my own farewell, and not the quiet, slow, ambiguous death that Cas could only ever wish of me.

To those of you reading this, I only ask and beg that you keep yourselves safe, and perhaps look to alternatives where the authority is not authoritarian, where the lights are not gaslit, and where you can freely speak your mind without harsh criticisms, demonizing, and closed doors. For those of you who wish to remain in NatPark, know I have no judgment over you; I don’t think of any of you as terrible people, even once you read this and you understand my qualms. I only pray and beg that this same misfortune will not befall any of you, and worry so greatly that it will, as it did with me in this short period of only four months. And, above all, I only pray that you will all be safe.

I love you all so much, and I only hope to see any and all of you again soon.

Until then, Ji-Ji ★

#((saved over here too))

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skullposse-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Just the sound of the man’s sneakers wracked shudders throughout Lane’s entire body. He gave a sharp gasp, his eyes restricting and shrinking down smaller, smaller, smaller still as they focused in on the sight of him, clearer, until it was undeniable – those same bloody red eyes peered out from the shadows cast by the sun beating over the sunless dark alleyways, his scowl clenched between jaws like iron. He was furious as his eyes captured Lane’s, stayed with him, glared at him through his heart and into the very soul of his fear shivering his body stiff and terrified. He remembered that look well; it was the same look that bore down on him the night Lane refused him. It was the same look that bore into him when his eyes had shrunken down in his hatred of Lane, when he’d pushed him up against the wall, gripped his fingertips like vices around his shoulders that he’d kill him – he’d fucking kill him for getting him fired that night two months later. It was a look he’d only seen in the briefest flashes of the moments where Chad was at his worst – where he was so close, so close, one swift motion and one single grip around Lane would’ve left him helpless, helpless, gasping for air until the life would’ve been choked out of him – and this was certainly the third of these incidences.

But he was far away now – far, far away – keeping his distance at the end of the alley, the faintest of light trickling across his back and casting his face in an unreadable shadow, his eyes wide and lip twitching slightly at the sight of the two of them. And what a sight it was, familiar and all, just as the night was when Chad was thrown out – his expression, the same; Lane’s fear and his cower, all the same; Plumeria, standing tall as a wall of protection between the two of them, the same. All the same, as though they were still in the same Po Town foyer where it had all happened the very, very first time. Chad kept his distance, so it was only Plumeria now who would close it, and how she did – of course she would – walking straight up to the man with the same unshakable resolve that she was always known to have, standing tall and standing proud, invulnerable, as Lane was never able to be.

And it was that sort of power, that pride, that stance, that Chad despised. Lane’s vulnerability – his fear, his terror, his tolerance, his kindness – that was exploitable; that was easy for him. But Plumeria would not falter; she wouldn’t quiver under his gaze nor his size. She stood right up to him and puffed herself up bigger than him, stronger than him. It wouldn’t matter how much Chad would fight and fight against her – she would fight back, and keep fighting, just as Lane would not. That sucker punch of his was sheer instinct alone; fear alone. It was the fight of his fight or flight – a fluke, and nothing more. Plumeria, though? She would fight because she’d want to beat him down; she’d want to punish him – and it was that sort of power in herself that made Chad back up a step, then another, then another. He skinned his teeth. He looked away. He muttered to himself, cursed to himself, but his demeanor was finally different. In those months before, it had been Plumeria who tore Chad away from Lane; her power beside, her strength was obvious. She could take him if she tried; Chad may have more muscle, but Plumeria was scrappier; she was faster. Chad hit harder, but Plumes knew where to hit. She had enough grip and enough will to dig her heels in the hardwood floor and keep Chad in his fucking place when all he’d wanted to do was claw his way out of her grip and go for Lane’s throat until Guzma had shown up. And if he hadn’t? She would’ve beaten him down anyway, without Guzma, in her own way.

His demeanor was finally different; he was terrified of her. He gave his hardest glare back to match her own, but something was weak about it. The foundation of his strength was crumbling when someone could finally matching him, pound per pound. His glare skipped over her – over to something easier – and he flexed his gaze at Lane, his eyes watching back at Chad cautiously, carefully. He still shuddered at the sight of Chad, but something about his own demeanor was different now. Lane was among people now – people who cared; people he could talk to. Just as he was with Skull, around his brothers and sisters who he could talk to and laugh with, he was stronger now. Despite his cower, his involuntary shudder, Lane could’ve fought Chad himself – right then and there. Chad was weak now; Chad was cowering at the sight of them. He gave a ‘tsk,’ looking between the two of them, giving a grumble and a roll-of-the-eye.

Fuck this.

He gave his weakest, hard glare he could at the two of them, meaningless and pathetic – an attempt to save face, before turning around and disappearing into the swallowing darkness of the alleyway. And Lane stood there, his fingers clenched into the fabric of Plumeria’s crop top, stunned. Chad – did he just… leave? Yes… Yes, he must have; left, and wasn’t coming back, so long as Plumeria was there beside him; so long as somebody was there beside him. Yes; it was just as last time, and the time before. Each time, Lane had been saved by the presence of somebody – anybody – coming along and telling Chad that enough was fucking enough. Anyone, anyone, had more power in their step and their voice than Lane ever would, and anyone’s passing glance would make Chad shudder. He was… a coward, Lane realized. A goddamn fucking coward – and he wouldn’t be coming back. Not anytime soon.

He loosened his grip on Plumeria’s clothes, stepping out from behind her to catch the last glimpses of Chad’s shadow, fading, fading away. It wasn’t coming back. He wasn’t coming back, and even if he was stupid enough to, Plumeria’s sucker punch would be faster than any sort of hook or jab he could try to throw out as a fucking cheap shot. No – he was… gone. Lane breathed a sigh of relief, shuddering as he was, choppy and ragged against his quelling panic. Silent tears fell down his eyes. He buried his face in his hands, his broken-up voice spilling out between the gaps of his fingers, indistinguishable between a sob or a gasp as he let himself fall to a squat.

But he was laughing. He was laughing. He wrapped his arms around himself and he laughed and he laughed and he took in deep gulps of air to keep on laughing, smiling till his cheeks hurt and stung, till his chest hurt, till he took in big sniffles and was able to laugh and sound like laughing, giggling in his voice so sweet and gentle. “Thank you, Plumes…” he could finally murmur in a voice that sounded like himself, “thank you… so much… fer that… y-y’saved me out there, sis. Y’saved me. H-Here, here, lemme –” He gathered himself up from his squat to pick up the bags Plumeria dropped, offering them to her to make up for it. Once he returned them, he scratched the back of his head, awkwardly. After all, he hadn’t seen Plumeria in months – not since Skull dissolved. Not since it all fell apart and he had to leave the happiest moments of his life behind. “Sorry I… I interrupted… whaddever it was you were doin’... b-but, um… how ya been…? It’s… been a while. Too long, I’d say.”

moonlight mother / plumeria & lane

As she’d thought, it was Lane. Of course she would recognize him; she’d sat down and had meals with the boy, laughed with the boy, they’d talked multiple times. She knew, just a bit, about his crush on G. She was intuitive like that. The way Lane had followed their boss not just with his eyes, but with his big big soul …

And here was was in her arms, and oh, oh god, the boy was shaking. He was terrified.

Instinctively, she cupped his head with her hands and brought him close to her chest, embracing him protectively. She could feel his trembling beneath her. This boy who’d been a stupid, adorable fool during dinner was trembling in pain and fear. The poor boy’s words were wracked with shivers and it was difficult to understand, but Plumeria could tell exactly what he was saying.

Her arms wrapped around Lane, hugging him tight, a thick barrier against any evils in the alleyway. “Is that boy nearby?” Her voice was low. Anger for her was sometimes explosive, but sometimes it simmered. It was simmering now. “I said, is that boy nearby. What kind of fucking fool does he – ”

Plumeria caught sight of a shadow behind Lane, further down the alley. She let go of Lane, gently, still letting him cling to her, and she held his hand. She was still here for him, but she needed to punish –

She marched forward to meet him. Chad was exactly as she remembered him. He’d always had a brain like arbok piss, and it showed in that dumb, dumb expression of his, eyebrows furrowed with anger that he couldn’t understand himself. Plumeria drew herself up. She wasn’t small by any means – perhaps a bit smaller than Chad – and her righteous fury drew her up like a blaze of fire. She looked… big. Despite that he was taller than her, it seemed as though Plumeria were looking down upon him.

“You fucker,” she said in a menacing voice. “Didn’t G tell you to buzz off our crew? Don’t you goddamn think you can show your face around here, just cus he ain’t around. I’m still kickin’. I’m fillin’ in while he’s away.” Walking closer, her hand slipped from Lane’s and clenched into a fist that she positioned threateningly right below Chad’s chin, just above his adam’s apple.

“You’re not a part of nothin’ no more. Not after you pulled those disgusting stunts. You’re no teammate. You’re no friend.”

There was venom in her voice as she spat the statement out. She wasn’t equipped for a battle at the moment, but she was always equipped for a fight, and a fistfight was the least of it.

“You’re just a disgusting pig. Leave Lane alone, you ugly piece of shit.”

#Moonlight Mother | sisbane #((ehhh i just didn't want chad to have a speaking role sorry plumes didn't get to punch him))

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