skunklookalike

[skunklookalike]

My son, Beans

[skunklookalike]

03.12.2024

12:35 I am unable to work. I am watching an hour-long YouTube video essay about the "Flightless Bird situation" where a woman documented her husband's manic episode on TikTok, but it all turned out to be overdramatised and faked (to a degree). It is an hour long, and I have not only already watched a video about this a few months back, but I have completely forgotten most of the story. I dislike how little information I retain. I dislike how I consume long-form content as through it is short-form, unimportant humming in the background. Perhaps it truly is as overstimulating as long-form content. I realised yesterday I never get silent moments often, and I fill the lack of academia in my life with fast-paced long-form lecture-like videos over trivial matters. Maybe if I pretended like I was aiming to write a textbook of my lectures, I would be better. Maybe if I pretended it was a YouTube script...

13:55 I have completed my basic reintroduction to my calculus course. I am so far behind... I still have so much to learn and do... Why did I let myself ever be comfortable in procrastination?

21:58 Today was horrible. I have no self control. I spent the remainder of my day reading licensing agreements and setting up some self-hosted media player that uses my local files. I need to work on university. This is ridiculous.

[skunklookalike]

[skunklookalike]

02.12.2024

I have done nothing for weeks. I am behind on school work despite my methylphenidate dosage being quite literally quadrupled since early-to-mid October.

I am fortunate in the fact that I do not have any exams until the end of next month (January), but I am still anxious that I will not be able to study during the month of December and cannot take my methylphenidate out of the country due to fears of my family finding out. I have only passed two courses this year, and the lack of academic work has been making me more anxious and stressed, and therefore I appear more bitter and nervous to those around me. It has become easier to overstimulate me, and anger and executive disfunction plagues my day-to-day existence. I hyperfocus on the smallest of things, things that are entirely non-essential, and get annoyed if my days are not planned down to the minute.

But this will change. Tomorrow I will be better. And the day after, I will be better still. I must. I cannot allow this self-pity to dictate my entire existence.

[skunklookalike]

Who am I?

My name is Alden, but you can call me Al! I am into dark academia, and studying Life Sciences and Technology with a focus in Medical Pharmacy. My favourite meal is espresso and dark chocolate, and I have a son in my snake named Beans.

My pronouns are they/them, and I am 21+. I do not want minors to interact with me. 

What I am interested in:

I enjoy reading, cooking, brewing coffee, lab work, quiet walks in the sun, and horror as a genre. I adore ultra-long YouTube videos, and usually find myself watching Twitch VODs (my current favourite is AstralSpliff), and creators akin to PhilosophyTube. Ironically enough, I much prefer shorter stories when it comes to reading. I am currently going through little books of philosophy, with my current read being Critical Theory: A Very Short Introdcution. I also enjoy fictional works akin to Vonnegut and Tolstoy. I am relearning chess, and am currently reading both Logical Chess - Move by Move and Bobby Fischer Teaches Chess. I dislike technology in general, and try to limit the amount of dopamine received from hyper-addictive sites. 

I also collect vinyls, and actively sob out of love when listening to classical music (specifically Spanish guitar as found in the works of Albeniz), and jazz! I used to play the flute within a classical big band, though I am severely out of practice. I also am very interested in relearning how to code!