sleepingchurch

[sleepingchurch]

[sleepingchurch]

This last week, plus, I have been so focused on trying to do well at work and make time to talk to my boyfriend that I haven't really focused on my dieting. When I binged about a week ago, I gained 9 lbs. I went up to 176.5lbs overnight. And I have been trying to eat less and trying to eat healthy foods but I'm still at 172lbs as of 5 mins ago. I haven't been able to make my coffee so I haven't been able to go poop, which is maybe okay since I have to clean in people's homes all day. I am hoping that the cleaning will at least snatch up my waist and tone my arms and ass you know? Idk. I just want to be skinny. I want to be tiny for him. I really do, even if it's cliche. I always do this

[sleepingchurch]

I was probably doing so good. And then my dumb ass ate so much food after work yesterday. I just kept eating. I'm so bloated my fingers won't fold all the way. And I'm afraid that I ate myself back out of my progress. And until I finally go poop I can't even try to weigh myself. I'm so upset. Last night I remember thinking I don't care. I fucking care now. The mediocre pizza and shitty sweet treats were not worth erasing my progress. I'm so nervous tbh. I will fast for the next 2 days excluding cucumbers. I'm not even kidding. Anyway. Back to sleep.

[sleepingchurch]

Finally getting in the shower. Ate a 210 calorie cheezit packet. Drinking a peach crush at 190 Cals. And today I had a $6 meal deal from McDonald's. God knows how many calories were in that. But I just weighed in at 168.7lbs. After chugging a whole glass of water and crush and eating cheezits. I really need to stop eating so much bro. At least this job will have me snatched in no time at all because it's essentially going to the gym all day. Anyway. I'm tired. Shower time. I still have to fill up my humidifier

[sleepingchurch]

I will once again be up way too fucking late because after working 10.5 hours cleaning houses I had to come home and find my house had been fucking trashed by my step mother and brother so I fucking cracked and lost my shit and fucking had a fucking anxiety attack or some shit more like a rage attack like my pupils are fucking huge right now. I'm so warm. My feet literally feel tingley from how fast and how much I was moving because I had to clean the fucking house. After 10.5 hours of cleaning other people's houses I had to clean my own fucking house. And now, I can't even go take my shower because both my step mother and brother took showers while I cleaned their fucking messes up. So now I have to fucking wait for the fucking water to get fucking warm so I can take my fucking shower. Which mean I have to wait till nearly 1035-1040 minimum. And hope there's warm water ready. That means I won't be getting to bed till 1130 minimum. And that's not including doing what I need to get ready for sleeping I'm just pissed. Like how can no one have any respect for or want to help me. I mean no one? Really? I called two people. Gabby, I'm so fucking dumb to think they'd do anything but flip it somehow into it being my fault. Apparently they're always fucking right and they told me to call mom and I said no it's way too late and they repeated that shit over and over how I should call mom call mom call mom and I lost it. Begged them to end the conversation for nearly 10 minutes before hanging up. Called mom. She said she was trying to help me find gratitude by saying I should be grateful to get a pen with my tip money. After I had just explained how I can't do this life long term. Because the outlook is so bleak that I don't want it. I literally don't want it. In the absence of anything good, I'd like to leave. I'm so tired my eyes just did the roll thing to stay open. Anyway. I've calmed myself down by writing it out. I also paced pretty hard-core. I want a cigarette but I have no interest in speaking to anyone or to be eaten alive by bugs. So idk. And I just know my brother is making a mess in the kitchen. I can hear it happening. I can't. I want to physically hurt myself for a release of this rage bro. I'm so fucking angry. I can't stop crying I'm so fucjing pissed. I have no idea what I weigh but I ate fucking McDonald's for lunch so I'm probably a major fatty. I've also barely shat in the last 3 days due to lack of caffeine intake. I'm going to kill myself.

[sleepingchurch]

I was 168.7lbs on wed.18.

And then I binged. So idk. I can't even call it a binge but more like a slow paced constant procession of food into my fat fucking trap.

I'm not letting others convince me to eat good anymore.

My bf said something about his last partner being too skinny to carry children. And idk how I feel about it.

Anyway it's late asf and I have to get up for work in 5 hours? So.

[sleepingchurch]

I was 169.8lbs on mon.16

I ate a total of 760 calories outside of my dinner. So I can only imagine how much I'll weigh tomorrow. Especially when I just got under for the first time in over a year. But yeah. I hope it's not bad tomorrow.

[sleepingchurch]

172.2lbs sat. the 14th.

I budgeted everything out a little more harshly to see a real representation of worst case scenario, and it'll take me 3 months to pay everything off while supporting myself.

I'm fucked.

I think that I'll take any tips we get and save them for those 2 weeks in fall. Everything else will be a pay in full until then. I want at least one full paychecks worth of money for when he comes out here. That'll break down to about $100 a day and I want to spoil us. I don't want restrictions.

Wish me luck I guess.

[sleepingchurch]

173.2lbs on Thursday the 12th.

So it's $15/hr, $450 a week, that's about 30 hours. So if I want more I can have more, ifi can handle it. And yes I have opportunity for a raise very quickly if I do good work. I have to be available from mon-fri 8-5 pm but again, they typically don't work that long.

My step mom said something about keeping my first check for me. But what she doesn't understand is that I need to pay her back in full as much as possible so that when I need stuff/ want stuff I have to ask her for it which will lower how much I intake of everything because I don't like asking. That way I'll pay her back faster. Thats the payment plan.

But if I do well here then I'll be able to save up 2 paychecks for when my bf comes out to see me in the fall. That'll be nice. I need to tell them I can't work those 2 weeks. But yeah. I start Monday. Wish me luck

[sleepingchurch]

I was 172.3lbs on Wed. The 11th.

I have a second interview for the cleaning place tomorrow morning at 830 am. I'm really nervous it won't be enough money to support the actual work I'll be doing. But it's okay, I just need to go and see what happens.

I'm really hoping it works out. I really really need a job. And something is better than nothing right now. I haven't gotten any responses to my applications for weeks. So this might be my only option. I might have to really bite the bullet on this one. As long as they give me my days off in the fall it'll be fine I think.

So it breaks down (according to their application ad) as $450 a week, they say it's starting pay and it's full time. So we can assume that's 40 hours. $450÷40= $11.25/hrs. And they're saying in the first interview that everyone is at about 30 hours right now. That's $337.5 a week, and $675/ paycheck. She also said that I might not be starting for a couple weeks which sucks tbh because I need money like, 2 months ago. With taxes coming out, that gives me a $540 paycheck. $540 dollars for 30 hours of physical work and using my own car to drive? Mmm.

I put on my application that I would want $13/hr. If that gets honored, $13×30=$390/week. That's $780 before taxes, about $624/paycheck after taxes. That's a little better but not much.

Now, what they say on the application, $450 for one week at full time. If the full time they mean is 30 hrs a week with $450 then that's better than good. That's $15/hr. But I'll bring it all up tomorrow in the interview. I hope it goes well. Because yes $11.25 isn't enough. I can compromise with $13. $15 would be great. Unless I'm getting my full 40 hrs 100% guaranteed every week then $11.25 doesn't work.

And I need to ask about mileage reimbursement. Because I need to know ifbits worth the use of my vehicle.

Anyway, wish me luck.

[sleepingchurch]

I was 173.5lbs on Tuesday the 10th.

My ex bought me food so I'll probably fucking going but it's whatever. I shouldn't have given I'm. They would've let it go. I'm weak. I need to lose weight. I need a job. And I'm failing at both.

[sleepingchurch]

Yesterday I blew up. 175.6lbs. Today I'm back to 173.4lbs. Whatever.

[sleepingchurch]

I woke up to being 173.5lbs on Friday. June 6. It's technically sat the 7th so I wanted to actually mark it, I just didn't get to it till now. Hopefully tomorrow I'm even lower. Tomorrow I talk to my boy about, stuff. Alot. I'll do a more in depth post here soon.

[sleepingchurch]

174.1lbs today. I could be doing better. I really could be. Fuck.

[sleepingchurch]

Holy fuck my fast yesterday did wonders. 176.9 bitches! Now to just lock it in today with high volume, high protein, low calorie foods. Looks like in stuffing a whole head of lettuce in my mouth. Anyway. One step closer.

By October.

[sleepingchurch]

I hope I've lost weight. I feel embarrassed for how big I still am. I just need to be skinny and get a job and have money by October.

I have to. I will.

[sleepingchurch]

"I like u!!"

bro wait im not skinny enough