sleeplessregret

[sleeplessregret]

i'm so scared. why is it always like this. won't stop shaking. should be already asleep. but how could i. it makes no sense. it's not even a new environment, not even new people. still, i'm so afraid. afraid of fucking up every possible scenario. bothering with nonsense, asking stupid questions, not being able to meet expectations. conversations, small talk. what did i do. what did i learn. how did this work again, and this, and this. memory leaks. always the same. need to sleep. need to calm down. watching chill anime didn't work. comfort stream doesn't work. being overtired would be a desaster. already made me trouble last time. not learning from it would make me look really bad. don't think adrenaline could get me through the entire day. don't wanna test it. fuck. why is it always the same. why can't i be normal. maybe it is normal. then it just sucks. please don't be embarrassing. please don't be disappointing. please just don't fuck up. it's only for nine days. no, eventually it'll be for longer. for years. already damaged my reputation. can't afford to let it get worse. need to act differently, be more engaged, more interested. try to fake it, if i must. don't overdo it. find a balance. how? no idea. fuck. COULD I PLEASE STOP SHACKING FFS. need sleep. one more episode of comfort. but could i even calm down. anxiously awaiting the end of it. minute by minute. this would be even more stressful. i can't. i just fucking can't. why am i so weak. so frail. i always thought to be a rather rational person. yeah, fuck that. this is just stupid. meaningless and dumb. my feet are cold. they are never cold.

[sleeplessregret]

crying won't help and yet it's what it always comes down to. as if it would make up for what i am, for what i do. as if it would make me change myself. it's just a disguise, a veil i lay upon myself to make me look like the victim rather than the reason for all my grievances. pathetic. just thinking about it makes me sick. just writing this makes me want to punch myself till i forget all of it. i tell myself that i'm writing these words for myself, but am i really? lying to myself became such a habit, that i'm struggling to identify my own will in all of this. and since i rarely can be sure, just assuming the worst seems like the logical conclusion. i'm not doing this for myself - at least not yet. i want people to care about me, to emphazise with me, to pamper me if need be. at the same time i'm not willing to invest even the slightest bit of graditude, of care, of appreciation in these few social encouters i'm currently experiencing. i'm weak. i can't control my emotions, my behaviours, my biases. i'm hurtful to others while expecting to be treated well. i'm pathetic. it can't go on like this. but why can't i keep this mindset up. because i need a reason. more than just myself, because i just can't appreciate this person enough to care. changing for someone i care? i guess that would work, but who would currently want to get invested in me and my life. obviously. losing myself in self-pitying again huh. pathetic. i need to change. i am thoroughly aware. when i wake up those thoughts will be far way until i come back here after midnight. i need to punch these words into my skull. burn them in my flesh. don't let those tears of mine deceive me. don't let temptations and desires lead me astray. and not just writing these words down but actually acting upon it. if i can't even do that then what am i even expecting in return.

[sleeplessregret]

can't think. can't feel. although recently this lack of feeling anything makes me tear up more often. it feels like something inside me is crying, desperately trying to escape this hellish prison it is trapped in. meanwhile i'm staring at my screen, without thinking, without feeling. things i used to enjoy just seem like a farce. it's like even those games, those shows i once adored yell at me to change. to leave them behind and find new things. get a new perspective, new impressions, something to get me out of this downward spiral, i am currently strapped tight to. scream, i want to scream. and i want to cry. i feel so empty. i don't know what to write. i want to write something, but i just cannot form a single straight thought. god this is awful. empty bottle. i should drink more.

[sleeplessregret]

what am i even doing here? dunno, doesn't matter i guess. just wasting time away. wasting time i could spend sleeping, learning japanese, educating myself. but who am i joking. trying out stuff like this to somehow change my life. the life, that i'm living for years without being satisfied, but also without feeling a great enough urge to change. to actually do something. sometimes i want to call my state of mind "suffering". but i usually refrain of doing so. i mean i don't wanna sound like those edgy kids. and i know people who probably do worse. so who am i to complain. and since all this "suffering" is somewhat self-inflicted, there is no way I actually could complain. so here i'm sitting. deep in the night, trying out something i'll be abandoning by tomorrow but who knows. i guess it could be some form of therapy when done correctly. but how could you even do something like this "correct". so here i am, just writing down everything that comes to mind in my broken and flawed english. a language i am getting sonicated with more than with my mother tongue but still not able to speak properly. embarrasing ain't it. searching for elemantal words, anxiously typing words into translators to confirm my thought of what they mean. but whatever. weekends over, nothing achieved, nothing new for me. the biggest achievements nowadays are finishing anime shows. actually watched/finished a couple great ones recently. especcially "rain town" - a ten minute short movie. really made me feel all sorts of emotions. just a beautiful experience. and since anime is currently my main way of experiencing positive feelings, it is more of an escape from the real world than ever - at least so it feels. and well, interacting and spending time with a single person is currently the only other way of actually feeling anything. i'm very greatful for that time, although i can't really show these sort of emotions, which is quite a burden to me. especially when it comes to family. so many things i am truly grateful for, but cannot express these sort of emotions make me feel like a horrible person. since i'm so rarely able to pay them back. makes me feel like i'm really not deserving these kind of people around me. and since i'm already losing these close people slowly, i wouldn't be surprised if at some point noone is left.

man what a stupid human being am i. what does it take, that i will actually change something. losing weight, finding interests, getting in touch with people. so many big goals, but i can't even start with the little things. i'm failing at the literal first steps as if it doesn't affect me. like if everything is already fine and all those things are just nice little extras. but they are fucking essentials. but its just the result of my current lifestyle. the result of always telling myself that everything is fine. that everything somehow will work out. and the worst thing is, it mostly did. it's not like a level in a game, where you can't continue unless you learned a certain trait, unless you accomplished a certain something. life just goes on. and you can proceed with very little skills, with a weak mindset, with little people close to you. with an unhealthy lifestyle. no one is holding you back. and that is exactly my demise. i work better when i get instructions. when i get told what to do and in the best case punished if i can't do it. what sounds pathetic is exactly that. i just know, that the current circumstances are seemlingly not enough to flip a switch inside of me. doing stuff for myself is always harder, than when doing it for someone else. and since this someone doesn't exist for me, i wonder if something will ever change.

just listening to a chill stream right now and hearing the streamer ask chat if they had some special skills. while obviously not receiving serious responses, i couldn't even think of a serious one. at least of nothing, that i'm not tired of myself yet. like yeah, i can calculate big numbers in my head...wow. nice to show off, but nothing of worth. being considered smart by others, but that is a simple illusion for people, who think a good result in a common iq-test means, you're actually smart. playing tennis on an insignificant level for half my life, but not really being able to play at all in the last years. or i guess i could, but me not living at a place for more then six months because of studies doesn't really help with settling down in a place and building some sort of foundation for my life. but even if i had this opportunity right now, i couldn't pull it off anyway. so again, i'm just trying to escape into excuses, why i apparently can't do anything about something like this. finding excuses is a vital task for me in general, because once i run out of them, i can't even justify my actions to myself anymore. a truly horrifying thought. actually getting confronted with responsibilities without having reasons to procrastinate is something a person like me fears at least as much as those responsibilities themself. but yeah, writing about it helps, right? i don't feel like it. i'm not really getting as emotional invested in this as i imagined - maybe hoped. nah, i didn't expected anything from this in the first place. and since i most likely won't look back at these texts anyway, those a just words left to rot in a distant corner, where i'll never take a glance back at them anymore. is this how you say it? probably not. whatever. not really feeling myself thinking about this stuff right now.

i mean, at this point i already did a solid job anyway. that's what i'm telling myself. talking about my problems is generally known as a good thing. and i just did that. so that was already a good thing. an illusion, i'll use for now, so i can feel some sort of satisfaction. and since it might actually be a good start i'll just prevent any further debate about this in my head. i know it's not enough. i know that i probably won't continue this anyway. because this is something i do solely for myself. and these things don't last long. never did.

it's nearly 3am now. wasted another chance of getting enough sleep. but who am i joking. even without writing this, i would still be awake, drowning myself in distractions so i can get the feeling of experiencing things. things more important than sleep. which they aren't. but it's too late for being rational anyways.