sleeplucy - Tumblr blog

[sleeplucy]

i lost it yesterday, but not for money. the man i was supposed to meet and get 300 from stopped replying after i said i wouldn't do anal. i was all dolled up and prepared so instead of just giving up i went on a sex site and chatted with a man there. he was much older than me, and it was stupid and unsafe, but i was determined to finally lose my virginity.

when i got there he was very badly dressed, in sweats and an old t-shirt, and he had a nervous energy. he wasn't good-looking at all, which i expected, but still. his flat smelled like stale cigarette smoke, and he had football scarves hung up on the wall which were covered in grey dust.

we went into his bedroom. the tv was on. it was a reality tv show about the police, but mostly it was just ad breaks. he started kissing me and it was very sloppy and wet and i didn't like it at all, but i did it anyway. he started touching me between my legs, but it didn't feel good, not close to how i do it. he was very harsh and i squirmed in pain, but he thought it was from pleasure. i told him to be more gentle, but i don't think he understood what i meant. i was sore after. i still am a bit.

i touched him too, but he didn't seem interested in that. he was just interested in me. then we tried to really do it, but he couldn't get it in me. we tried many positions, but nothing worked. he was small and soft. i sucked him a bit to get him hard. it was a weird sensation. not nearly as difficult as i'd expected.

he finally managed to get it in me. reverse cowgirl. i barely felt it. i didn't have it in me to fake an orgasm, so i just got off of him a bit after he had finished.

we talked after. he told me he hadn't been with a girl since may, and that his father beat him as a child. he seemed nice enough and assured me he wouldn't talk to me if he saw me on the street, if i didn't for some reason initiate conversation firt. he told me he thought i was very beautiful and that i should walk tall and proud because of it.

i made clear i didn't want to acknowledge him in public if i saw him, and tried to politely ensure he knew this was one time only. he said he understood. but now he's messaged me saying he can't stop thinking about me. i haven't opened his messages. i don't know what to say. in a way i wish he'd die or disappear somehow. i want him to forget about me. blocking such a lonely, hurt man seems cruel, though.

[sleeplucy]

i'm losing my virginity tomorrow.

i've been talking to men on sugardating websites. i'm meeting one at a hotel at 4 pm after school. he asked me what i like to do in bed. i haven't replied, because i obviously don't know. i don't want him to know that i'm a virgin, because maybe then he won't sleep with me. i'm going to lie and say i've done it a couple of times before, but that it was long ago.

i wish it wasn't this way, but i'm so sick of my virginity. it makes me feel unwanted, unattractive and childish. i'm 19. i'm too old for teenage romance, i missed that train. i've been to a few bars too, but no one paid any attention to me whatsoever. i know i'm reserved and serious, but is that it? or am i just too ugly? these middle aged men call me beautiful, but i guess they say that because of the circumstances.

i am terribly lonely in every way one can be, except for that i have a family i like. but they're getting in the way. i smoke in secret. get drunk nearly every day in secret. i've got weed from denmark in my drawer that i've not yet tried because i'm trying to figure out how to deal with the smell so that i can hide that i've been smoking it from them. they would be devastated if they found out.

i am a very promising young woman. i always have been. i'm good in school, good at work, and scored highly on the intelligence test that the military does (due to the conscription or whatever it's called). i'm motivated and ambitious. my goals have kept me going – having them has saved me. but i could so easily throw it all away. i see it now. the alcohol, the weed and now the men. my actions the last year make it seem like i want to ruin everything and just wallow in my pain and loneliness, instead of continuing on in this purgatory waiting room type place that i have been in for the last 8 years or so, just hoping that my life will start soon. it hasn't started. will it ever?

i can't tell anybody this. no one at all. if this experience scars me or ends badly, which it very well might, i cannot tell anyone. i will have to carry it alone. i do not think i am prepared. but i will do it anyway.

at least i know that you know.

[sleeplucy]

i saw "the center will not hold" today, and when joan didion explained how unhappy she got in nyc and why she had to leave, she said something about how suddenly she had heard everything everybody said before, and i was almost stunned, because that's the way it's always been for me, something that she mentioned as a kind of painful abnormality...

i feel like i could burst! i am so desperate to listen, and to hear something new, but for that to happen seems like an impossible fairytale! to at all even expect to find anything of interest or value in the people you meet is just totally implausible, like going against some law of nature, i feel.

so that joan discussed it as almost something unnatural, made me jealous and angry at her in a way, but it mainly made me horrified at my own situation.

that she used it as a clear example of suffering felt nice, though. because i sure have been.