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AN-TI-BO-DIES

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Star Trek (1966–1969) Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987–1994)

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Btw this post inspired two chapters in the fic I'm currently posting. Next chap (which I'll post in the next aaah 48 hours, it needs a proof read) is fake married for medical care :)

Spones fake romance subplots that make me want to write normal star trek episode scripts (can you imagine?),

Spock is required to battle some alien thing, and spend the night beforehand alone under alien observation. He was injured so Kirk is desperate for McCoy to get access to him. Kirk finds out that spouses are the exception and insists that Spock and McCoy are married. They have to act married with absolutely no chance to set boundaries or communicate what they're doing beyond a hasty whisper

On some planet and they do something together that the culture accept as a proposal (walking through an archway, getting excited about the same xenobiology thing, whatev) and no matter what Spock and McCoy say the aliens believe they're newly engaged and insist on throwing a party in their honour. Kirk tells them to play along please, they're so excited and it's making things easier. Also it's hilarious.

They need to travel through alien space that requires all people in their space be married (cultural thing about single people being half a person, not able to hold a job). Spock and McCoy team up cos neither of them want to, but at least the Vulcan privacy customs will mean they don't have to PDA. Unfortunately, they keep having to attend diplomatic dinners and Kirk insists they at least compliment each other occasionally, ffs

The enterprise is in trouble for some fuckery and everyone is on their best behaviour. Spock and McCoy get caught fighting somewhere inappropriate within starfleet because they weren't paying attention to where they were walking. While getting a dressing down Spock knows the admiral telling them off is a romantic so he says that he and McCoy were kissing. McCoy, head in hands, cannot disagree or it'll make things worse. "Yep, we were making out." So they have to play a couple from then. Kirk loves it. He involves it in their trial defence.

Classic hiding from the cops on some planet behaviour and in order to give themselves an alibi for being found in a cupboard they make out. They then have to, individually in their interrogation cells, try and guess what romantic backstory the other would be spinning and do their best to match it. They do a terrible job

They go to a conference together and get cheaper tickets by applying for the travel as a pair. They put themselves down as colleagues on everything, but when they get to the cruise they're in the honeymoon suite and an attendant politely advises them to play along or they'll be bumped to the next ship. McCoy finds a way to deeply enjoy every moment until things actually get a little bit romantic and then he's super uncomfortable. Spock appears unaffected (he's very affected).

McCoy starts addressing Spock by Vulcan pet names to be a shit stirrer and some diplomat overhears it and deduces that they're secretly dating. Lots of the diplomat finding ways to leave the two of them alone, but Spock and McCoy are none the wiser and just enjoy a squabble. Ep ends with the diplomat winking at them as they all stare blankly, before being transported away

Similar, but post Katra some Vulcan assumes that Spock and McCoy were married and asks all these questions about it over dinner, but doesn't outright say it so everyone's just answering the weird questions as honestly as they can. Nothing they say makes it clear that they aren't dating until like the end of the dinner. McCoy loses his shit about it

Spock is required to mindmeld with McCoy for some plot reason, the aliens they're with think it's awesome and are like!! Can you do that on everyone!!! So cool! So Spock is like, "nope, only McCoy. Because... We're... Married?" And McCoy will always support Spock in a consent thing, and mind melds are v invasive for him, but even so. They're only on the planet for the first like fifteen min, the rest is them on the ship with McCoy making endless fun of Spock over it

Someone is hitting on McCoy but he's not keen. Lets her down easy by saying he's seeing someone. Spock wanders by as this convo is wrapping up and due to convoluted shit pretends he's the someone. McCoy is grateful, but very annoyed about how it all worked out really. But when they have a fight the lady shoots her shot again so McCoy gets like romantic about it to keep the story alive

Actually hell yeah, what's your favourite?

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Kirk: as we know the alien species only accept petitions from people who are dating

Kirk: it's a cultural thing

Kirk: so we need a couple to go into the alien congress and speak on our behalf

Kirk: Spock, Bones, are you up for it?

Spock: I believe the doctor and I could sufficiently convince them that we are dating, yes

Bones: Spock, we are dating

Spock: just like that, very good, doctor

Bones: what's he on about? Spock, what are you on about? We're dating!

Kirk: hmm, Spock has a point

Bones: I clearly missed it when he made his damn point

Spock: we may be dating but we will have to act like it too

Bones: I act like it, thicko! Just cos you're allergic to PDA

Spock: it is out of respect to our colleagues that I do not like to-

Bones: strange kind of respect you-

Spock: I behave perfectly well, any failure in our relationship is-

Bones: you aren't going to pin shit on me, darlin', you're -

Kirk: maybe anyone else should do this

Fake dating except they're actually dating they're just so bad at it they also have to fake date

[sleepymccoy]

Kirk: as we know the alien species only accept petitions from people who are dating

Kirk: it's a cultural thing

Kirk: so we need a couple to go into the alien congress and speak on our behalf

Kirk: Spock, Bones, are you up for it?

Spock: I believe the doctor and I could sufficiently convince them that we are dating, yes

Bones: Spock, we are dating

Spock: just like that, very good, doctor

Bones: what's he on about? Spock, what are you on about? We're dating!

Kirk: hmm, Spock has a point

Bones: I clearly missed it when he made his damn point

Spock: we may be dating but we will have to act like it too

Bones: I act like it, thicko! Just cos you're allergic to PDA

Spock: it is out of respect to our colleagues that I do not like to-

Bones: strange kind of respect you-

Spock: I behave perfectly well, any failure in our relationship is-

Bones: you aren't going to pin shit on me, darlin', you're -

Kirk: maybe anyone else should do this

Fake dating except they're actually dating they're just so bad at it they also have to fake date

[sleepymccoy]

"Guy" and "man" have different connotations with adjectival nouns. Like "tree guy" = arborist but "tree man" = he lives in a tree, or maybe he is a tree.

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FARSCAPE | 2.15 WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN

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aos spones reacting to tos spones happening in front of them

McCoy opened his mouth to ask Spock about how comfortable those sleeves could be, but Spock spoke first.

“I believe we should have sex,” Spock said.

“Oh, God,” McCoy groaned. He shifted around to check the room was empty, which it appeared to be.

Spock was just staring at him, not even looking all that focused.

“Because of my devilish charm and fine forearms?” McCoy asked.

Spock blinked. “Because our counterparts finalised their marriage and I am curious about what- ”

“I am ignoring that Doctor,” McCoy interrupted. “Not going near him or it. Not planning on going near you, either, Mister.” He looked back out at the planet below. Surely that would be the end of this damned fool conversation.

But, “We may be well suited,” Spock said.

McCoy whirled towards him. “What do you- do you like anything about me?”

“That is not my motivation.”

McCoy grit his teeth. “Alright, ‘preciate the honesty.” He breathed in sharply, then nodded his head towards the exit. “Out you get.”

Spock had the shame to look surprised. “Excuse me?”

“Go on, get out,” McCoy snapped. “Don’t bring this up again.”

Spock hesitated, then patted his pants flat and stood fluidly. “Very well, Doctor.” He bowed lightly. “Good evening.”

“Unbelievable,” McCoy complained as Spock left. The door shut. The planet spun slowly beneath him. McCoy drank.

“Why the fuck am I saying no to that?”

Watch the disaster unfold, here's a fic

[sleepymccoy]

Miss Congeniality (2000) dir. Donald Petrie

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Apparently there was some kind of race scheduled at a local park or something so I've been trying to avoid the main trail but a little while ago when I had to cross near it I overheard the following shouted exchange

Higher feminine voice: woo, look at you go! You're jogging! Keep it up!

Lower masculine voice (panting): you know it! Last place is still a place, baby!

And goddamn if that didn't rewire my brain a little bit.

Last place is still a place, baby.

[sleepymccoy]

If you are watching a TV show, it can be live action or animated.

But not when you're reading a book. Much to think about.

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i think what’s on a person’s nightstand is very telling so reblog this and put in the tags the things you have on your nightstand

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they used to make smackable technology. you used to be able to hit your tv when it didn't work good.

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Reblogging would be a great help, but don’t feel pressured to

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(Spock Prime is pov, McCoy Prime is referred to as Leonard, the aos trio are here too) (here's the full fic, this is the last chapter (spoilers!) and I'm posting it as a teaser cos I'm now releasing a sequel from the aos pov) (the tos one is really good tho you should read it) (if you like spones) (even if you don't actually)

“What’s the plan, Ambassador?” Kirk asked. 

“Yes, Ambassador?” Leonard asked. His had traveled down slightly, resting just above Spock’s arse. Spock blinked once, steadying himself, and found the few remaining threads of his restraint. 

“I might,” Spock said, hesitantly, “perhaps, retire my commission. Captain, would you facilitate a conver- ”

“What?” the other Spock asked. 

“Yeah, what?” Leonard repeated. He tapped Spock’s arse gently. “They told me about Vulcan, Spock, you’re working there. Good work.” Leonard’s frown was genuine, no glint of secret pleasure in it. He grimaced at Spock and addressed Kirk. “Ah, he’s just confused, ignore that.”

“Ambassador?” Kirk asked. 

“Take some time off,” Leonard cried out. He let go of Spock. “Shit, call in sick. I’ve been thinking about this longer than you.” He bent and fished his walking stick up off the floor. Spock went to pick it up first, but by the time he realised that Leonard was on the way down he’d already nimbly stood back up. “On that note, Doctor Me,” Leonard continued, waving the stick in the air as he stepped towards the trio, “how do you feel about having an older you running around? Well, caning around.”

Doctor McCoy laughed breathily, then frowned more seriously. “I’m not threatened by you, Doctor.” He nodded to the side, as if agreeing with Leonard, although Leonard had said nothing. “It is a bit strange.”

Leonard hummed doubtfully. McCoy broke the eye contact first, grimacing at Kirk. 

Leonard spun on his heel, using the walking stick to balance himself. When Spock had left the stick was new, now it acted as an extension of him. He had known Leonard would continue living, and had felt the grief of not knowing him. Seeing just how he had done so was simultaneously heartbreaking and joyous. 

“I could take your name,” Leonard said.

Could he possibly mean- ? Spock smirked. “Take it where?” he asked.

Leonard grinned. Spock’s heart jumped. He was definitely resigning his commission, he would not spend another moment separated, but they could discuss it later. 

“Cute,” Leonard said. His eyebrows raised high, his forehead creasing with wonderful age. “That marriage proposal still on the table, Mister?”

“Ah,” Spock breathed. He felt his counterpart’s eyes on him. “I never proposed to you.”

“Ooh, don’t be tricky now, sugar, I’m exhausted.”

He was leaning rather heavily on his stick now. “Of course it is, Leonard,” Spock whispered.

Leonard’s grin grew. “Ambassador and Doctor Spock!” 

Spock went to him, taking his elbow. Leonard heaved a sign, resting his weight on Spock’s hand. He had new sun spots on his cheeks, greyer hair, deeper wrinkles. But his eyes were precisely the same.

“Captain,” the other Spock muttered, “is this the best solution for- ”

“Quiet, it’s their choice,” Kirk said.

“Also,” said their McCoy, “three Spocks is hilarious.”

Leonard pulled Spock in for a kiss. He was alive and intimate. Spock was dizzy with this all. 

“I don’t wish to marry for function,” Spock said, lips dragging against Leonard’s. 

Leonard kissed him again, just quickly. “I got romance a’plenty for you, love.” He turned, throwing his head back to Kirk. “Can we leave?” He face Spock again, his hair mussed. “Do you have a ship?”

Spock smiled to himself, enjoying how Leonard’s eye caught the quirk of his lips. He positioned Leonard, directing how he stood, so that they both faced Kirk. Leonard winked at him and did not resist being moved.

“Yes, certainly,” Kirk said, with barely a beat of hesitation. He addressed Leonard. “We’ll beam your luggage aboard.”

Leonard nodded, patted Spock on the arse obviously then raised his hand to wave his farewell. He made his way steadily onto the transporter pad, muttering to himself. 

Spock addressed Kirk with a small bow. “Thank you, Captain. Means more to me than you know.”

Kirk put his hands up. “I was just the taxi driver, he did all the work.” He nodded warmly. “Good afternoon.”

“Sir,” Spock farewelled his counterpart. He met poor McCoy’s uncomfortable gaze. “Doctor.”

“Ambassador,” Doctor McCoy said stiffly. 

Spock accepted the farewells and followed Leonard. Leonard winked at him again. Spock’s heart fluttered, and the transporter took them. 

Spock still had his eyes on Leonard as they arrived on his ship. Leonard touched his own chest and abdomen, checking his wellbeing. 

“Do you require anything?” Spock asked quietly. 

“Ahh,” Leonard groaned, “it’s hot in here! Thank God, they keep that ship very cold, don’t they?” He tottered off, leaning on his cane and inspecting the walls. “I wonder how trim and stern deals with it.”

“Trim and stern?”

“Is this alright, Spock?” Leonard asked quickly. Spock wasn’t going to find out who trim and stern was, then.

Spock stood straight. “You had a whole life without me,” Spock said.

Leonard nodded. “I still do,” he said. “I said my goodbyes. I knew what I was doing, love. I’ll find something to do, probably on New Vulcan with you, they’ll need to start mixing up the gene pool to- ”

“Leonard,” Spock snapped, almost scolding him. He didn’t want to hear about work.

“Sweetheart.” Leonard hesitated, rubbing his hand against his mouth. “Listen, Spock, I don’t need you. I just want you.” He met Spock’s eyes slowly and licked his lips. “I want you every night, every morning. And I do what I want, damn it, so I’m here.”

Spock breathed out slowly. 

“Is it good?” Leonard asked, his voice tense. “I hope it’s good, my dear, I can’t take it back.”

“Very good,” Spock said, desperately quiet. He held his hand out, two fingers extended.

Two sharp cracks sounded as Leonard came to him immediately, his cane loud as he stepped. His fingers paired up and joined with Spock’s, as they finally, truly, kissed. 

[sleepymccoy]

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