slimschance

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i've cultivated such a good routine recently alomg with become comfortable enough with myself to not freak the fuck out and have a mental breakdown but like. now that i'm genuinely pissed off, unhappy and in pain i just like have nothing, nothing to turn to to ease myself. don't really want to play fortnite. just ate so don't need to binge eat. no interest in much on my phone so only spent 8 minute on it. don't know what to do with myself i'm just fizzing over and if i leave it i think the tension will stay for days and that can't happen i've been doing so well at being productive.

what am i meant to do for the next few hours i'm actually dreading it. am no tired so can't go to bed.

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my chest is hurting? i think heartburn or indigestion as i ate semi recent

but

i thiiink this is a honeymoon period. 💓

speaking of periods i started today with no warning? i take injections but they don't work, but what was more a surprise was my energy and happiness the past few days. i have pms or pmdd we aren't sure, so it's so out of order. but yesterday i was the happiest i've been all year (not saying much - it's jan 13) and also did a similar amount of exercise. super weird but no complaints.

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actually i wanna be 44.6kg. that means i'll be 10kg down since i started <3 that would be a really sweet roundabout moment. and an okay accomplishment for 7 months and starting bmi 20.6, recently bmi 17.6 - and hopefully going down more with this weeks appointment.

i'm happy with this all thus far and honestly besides the setback at christmas i've been bettering myself consistently and have also learnt a lot about nutrition and stuff. asides from a few packs of crisps i've done this as healthily as i can, multiple meals most days never had to do a fast that's over 24hr and i have no regrets. this year it's time to do worse tho. you can only get better if you hit rock bottom first. idk someone pull me up a tyler durden quote he says this shit all the time.

oh ya i'm reading fight club it's pretty great - i'm nearly finished already as it's just over 200 pages long. the pacing of the writing style - jumping between topics and repetition of certain things - really helps set the scene and get into the mind of the narrator. must say though, i'm glad to have the context of the film because i'm sure i'd have to reread it otherwise to get the full picture. though i'll definitely reread it anyway i love picking up a book again after a month or a few. would recommend. i think the only reason i could fathom that i'd prefer the movie to the book is purely brad pitt's styling. like hello? genuinely want his wardrobe asap. i love watching interviews with the stylists and stuff, hearing the reasoning of their choices + seeing possible outfits they never used.

ribs still hurting months in... (maybe a good thing, it means my bodys shrinking & my ribs are tryna keep up) but good news, am getting weighed this week, doctors appointment <3 the last time i was weighed was october and i was 47.2 or 47.3kg so if i'm not at least 45.5 i'm lashing out and i'm *redacted*. a lot of chocolate and a little of alcohol was consumed over christmas/new year so i either flatlined or gained a tad that week, and idm that because it helps me encourage my little cousin to eat (very fussy), so that's why i'm not expecting a lot of weight loss. i'll be happy and shocked if it is more though. but it has been months. idk.

bonus update for some days i've been doing a few 5 - 10min stretch/warm up type workouts throughout the day on my samsung health app alongside doing Just Dance & sometimes walks with family also. It's a fun combination that feels like you're not really exercising, until you're like 40mins of dancing in and finally fed up of standing. tbf you spend so long making playlists and doing goals and shit that an hour session takes 2 hour. - anyway gonna buy some wrist/ankle weights to use while doing JD, if i can wear them without visibility i might wear them on walks also. i've also considered weighted vests or backpacks but don't want to risk my ribs anymore, not to mention these things are like £50 upward. i don't have money like that.

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idk how to feel discovered i have cellulite on my hips too. had some on my arse but didn't care about that, it's normal and makes sense but my outer hips? not getting the textbook skinny summer anymore. but nvm cellulite is just in the female genetics i couldn't have prevented it, at most delayed it with good full body skincare.

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ribs still hurting months in... (maybe a good thing, it means my bodys shrinking & my ribs are tryna keep up) but good news, am getting weighed this week, doctors appointment <3 the last time i was weighed was october and i was 47.2 or 47.3kg so if i'm not at least 45.5 i'm lashing out and i'm *redacted*. a lot of chocolate and a little of alcohol was consumed over christmas/new year so i either flatlined or gained a tad that week, and idm that because it helps me encourage my little cousin to eat (very fussy), so that's why i'm not expecting a lot of weight loss. i'll be happy and shocked if it is more though. but it has been months. idk.

bonus update for some days i've been doing a few 5 - 10min stretch/warm up type workouts throughout the day on my samsung health app alongside doing Just Dance & sometimes walks with family also. It's a fun combination that feels like you're not really exercising, until you're like 40mins of dancing in and finally fed up of standing. tbf you spend so long making playlists and doing goals and shit that an hour session takes 2 hour. - anyway gonna buy some wrist/ankle weights to use while doing JD, if i can wear them without visibility i might wear them on walks also. i've also considered weighted vests or backpacks but don't want to risk my ribs anymore, not to mention these things are like £50 upward. i don't have money like that.

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forgot to post thdi (wrote days ago) but take the floor faye. 🫴

my asexuality does not stem from sex repulsion but my extreme aversion to vulnerability + need for reassurance and clear definition in any relationship (because otherwise i won't define it). the biggest thing, i don't see sex or sexual thoughts as a demonstration of romantic nor sexual attraction but of vulnerability. for one, this is way more in line with sex + sexual thoughts in scenarios such as intrusive thoughts, sexual assault, sex addiction and sex without attraction. but second of all, i've never been capable of feeling sexual attraction in strangers, be that in personal life, celebrities or online, even if other attraction is felt, because the concept of being vulnerable with someone i don't know is in my eyes, a bad and difficult thing. some scenarios, the person/people being strangers can help you in being vulnerable, which is why i find it easy to understand those who feel sexual attraction more freely than me, and equally helps me know my feelings are not set in stone.

another point, i feel i couldn't allow myself to have sex with another due to the far too common need to label things. even calling it a fling is still labeling it. sex should not have to be divided into labels in categories of either not in or in a dedicated relationship. i struggle to even label a friendship as friendship just because communication struggles are so prevalent that it's far easier to never label or address it rather than alter the already (great) existing relationship you've had this far without the label. no label doesn't mean we don't mean anything to one another, it just means our relationship is so important + natural enough that i wouldn't want to alter the dynamic. my self-sabotage always comes into play when relationships are defined anyway so despite hating not knowing what we are - if anything - knowing what we are might just kill the relationship.

all this to say, i don't understand why more people aren't having sex with their friends rofl

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i want someone to notice i'm wrong, and cling to the idea of me rather than reject the idea of me. even better, physically cling to me. notice how i'm skittish to touch, how my bones protude, whats in my pockets, the texture of my hair, me.

this year i'll take someones notice.

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this year i will be someone's angel, bringing only positivity to their life. you only get what you give so i have to break the cycle - be that depression, generational curses, personal curses, reaction to others, scarcity mindset, anxieties... i have to do it.

i've been waiting 7 months now to do this exact thing. fate is working against me, i have to intervene however i can.

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We're so back, my uncle just said i've "gotten thin", last time I saw him was like 6+ month ago before i started dieting so... <3

i was a taddd thin then but i'd been stress eating through 2 years of school, fizzy drinks and crisps unless i found a pesto pasta or salad on sale most just due to convenience as i couldn't afford £5 everyday. i had £8 to spend over 5 days and there's no way to make that healthy unless you're cooking from scratch and i had no spare time after school cah i would just crash out and lash out emotionally or sleep. or avoid home so obvi can't cook on pavement.

think he's worried, he did say i shouldn't be eating cabbage as a meal just before he said i'd got thin, i then went on to deny any maccies and have a 45cal chicken noodle soup

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'intuitive eating' my ass. i tried it the past 3 days, following a week of regular eating at my bmr that ws fine, and i was sick every day. needed to throw up a lot on the first day + couldn't stand or move my arms for a long time due to weakness and shaking from it. (never purged it happens when i eat too much food, be it volume-wise, calorie-wise or both) constant stomach problems. drowsy and depressed (that may just be me). breaking out to all fuck despite having healthy meals. greasy hair. nightmare.

didnae even eat anything that wrong most days my bulk of food was lots of steamed or stirfried veg and i had 1 - 2 meals because thats how i like to eat. clearly should've kept to 4 - 6 small meals cause my stomach can't take any lesser. i'm guessing thats where i went wrong but i ws been 'intuitive' crap. the one other thing i did wrong was the konjac noodles, should never have eaten them. the reason they're so low calorie is because the main ingredients aren't digestable to us. kinda like how vapes have calories but you'd never take in calories when using them cause they aren't digestible. so eating them noodles is like the equivalent of eating a rock. except the rock would have metals and ions or some shit thats actually good probably; eat rocks not konjac noodles x

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literally been so ill and depressed the past 3 weeks, so much change in my environment, doing so much everday, no chance to recharge and eating crap because i literally can't cook a proper meal most days, and on the days i'm home for more than a few hours and functional enough to cook, it's whatevers quickest to cook cause i'm so slugish and unmotivated.

essentially i haven't had the time to settle into my new environment as stuffs constantly being moved in and out so the only time i get to spend in my room, i spend it constantly moving and doing stuff, i haven't had the time to actually use my wardrobe or sit at my desk or remember where i put stuff, just sleep. i haven't done any crafting or anything creative in 3 weeks wheras most weeks i do at least a few projects just to recharge. it should be alarming for all those around me but no ones taking that seriously. maybe i should actually make a point of it so i can just have a day off. it's fine for my uncle to travel across the country or come home early on a whim to 'recharge' but when i want a dedicated space i can access to do crafts for just a few hours thats way too much...?

i've been so ill on and off, i was throwing up and unable to stand saturday and i'm still recovering now, regulating that is more than enough to overwhelm, and we've been upkeeping so much other crap it's just gross

first non-passive ideation in a longg time. anyway yayy need to shower then organise 5 massive boxes that usually take me days to sort then walk into town without bawling then do some sort of interview education thing where a lot of trust is being put on me and it's not even public knowledge so i'm like the only person who knows about it and then i have to get my hair cut and talk to my hairdresser who digs for gossip and personal details and has a son who i went to school with & always talks anout her relationships and then her non-existent one with her ex-husband and my scalp is grim i can't wash it thoroughly and my hair is so split that i can put my hand 10cm from my head and still feel the split ends floating out and then i have to come home and not freak the fuck out and just be happy i'm living in chaos and change and not be rude to my family in any way despite them disrespecting my very basic wishes on a daily basis now. and then watch tv despite being able to see my tele at all or being allowed to use the one downstairs and i just have to magic it up. and thats if i'm not near throwing up at that time as i have done for days.

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trying not to demonise my dad because he's one of the only people i genuinely like but gosh

sunday he calls me a bitch at ikea while demanding and laughing. he didn't get a lid to match the pan he bought and wanted me to get it, i said he's lucky i don't call him worse (i would've but mum was there) (to be clear she did say he shouldn't have ever said that) he walks off quite fast after that to get the lid but without remorse, he's actually giddy. he'd been shouting rude comments really loudly in the showrooms, comments about what i was saying i was looking for.

tuesday (today) he leaves us all a written message in the kitchen

for my brother -

"im really happy your happy

love dad x "

(the grammar is atrocious, but sweet, right?)

for my mother -

"a thousand words cant diskribe what you mean to me, but three can, i love you x"

(think he meant describe)

for me -

"please empty the dishwasher thanks

love dad x"

how demeaning...

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when you restrict so you're already dressed for Halloween before putting your costume on; prominent bones, hollow cheeks and dark sunken undereyes

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another year of not celebrating my favourite holiday... on the plus side i've made a gorgeous meal, pumpkin soup alongside boiled cabbage and chestnut & cranberry stuffing - and i'm wearing a lost boys tshirt. it's completely coincidence but it's cute, the halloween motifs that slipped through despite not celebrating; that being pumpkin & vampires (lost boys).

it's a pity but it's not the worst. me and dad may still watch a horror and all the halloween stuff will be steeply reduced the next few days. theres also enough soup and cabbage to have a large serving tomorrow

time to eat my 3rd bowl of cabbage xx

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reading this in 5 years could be REALLY interesting

bye this is like my 4th new account i've made on a social media this month and immediately i have, again, been assigned autism

like is my phone sharing data with these apps or summat, telling every app what i have and don't have?

i'm hoping for an adhd diagnoses soon but damn

anyway it's funny how many times this happens, almost every account i've made for a few years follows this pattern

my last (toxic, mind) friend group all said i definitely have summat and two have immediate family that are audhd and the other friend has the aspergers diagnosis to show for it so !! don't know what to say to that. whilst i can relate to a lot of autistic traits, there's a handful that i definitely don't, and i really don't think it all consults in a diagnoses, i believe it's just overlaps in traits from presumed adhd / 'gifted'-ness / depression / anxiety

anyway, counting down the days until my feed DOESN'T immediately diagnose me with autism, it's a scarcity

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bye this is like my 4th new account i've made on a social media this month and immediately i have, again, been assigned autism

like is my phone sharing data with these apps or summat, telling every app what i have and don't have?

i'm hoping for an adhd diagnoses soon but damn

anyway it's funny how many times this happens, almost every account i've made for a few years follows this pattern

my last (toxic, mind) friend group all said i definitely have summat and two have immediate family that are audhd and the other friend has the aspergers diagnosis to show for it so !! don't know what to say to that. whilst i can relate to a lot of autistic traits, there's a handful that i definitely don't, and i really don't think it all consults in a diagnoses, i believe it's just overlaps in traits from presumed adhd / 'gifted'-ness / depression / anxiety

anyway, counting down the days until my feed DOESN'T immediately diagnose me with autism, it's a scarcity

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i really have no direction now, wow

education actively does not want me, i can't cope with 35+ hour jobs without being a risk to myself, i've broken contact with the only friend who's reached out (my mum said he was just being nosey and fishing for information and now i'm paranoid)(i can't even open snapchat let alone his message), i'm regressing in literacy (can't even explain my basic thoughts anymore without difficulty or assistance, and my pronunciation and word mixups/mashups are worsening) and i'm so used to disappointment and disappointing that i feel no need to try.

the future looks so bleak idk how else to say it