slithersnakecurvespleh - Tumblr blog

[slithersnakecurvespleh]

it’s 1 am and I’m rambling here because it’s 2022 and LiveJournal is dead and I have no substitute

Oh, why would I join the most dramatastic of communities and then go in and give a response (in tired/wired/inspired format, no less) to an inquiry as to whether having racial preferences in dating (i.e. “no Black women”) is racist?  Why would I ever join a comm where that is a discussion that is being had?  And I know why I said something, it’s because no one else was saying anything reasonable and I wanted the people who were sitting there reading this shit and potentially being hurt by it to see someone saying something about it, but people in the comments who have been like “uh maybe it could be construed as a little racist by some people, from certain angles?” are getting called the woke police/white people trying to score woke points, and the main reason I know I’m not a white person trying to score woke points is that this reeeeally would not be the venue to try to do that if it were in fact my goal, but -- actually that’s gonna be my answer when I get told that.  Look around this community and then tell me that you think I came here to score woke points.  Anyway about 80% of the time when I make an angry or controversial comment on the Internet I delete within the first five minutes, but this community is super super anti-”dirty deletes” and so unless I leave the community, which I DEFINITELY SHOULD DO but probably won’t just yet lest I seem to have been chased out, that comment is there to stay, and my comfort level with this is zero.  Zero level.  I don’t like dogpiles that I can’t make go away. For someone who likes arguing so much, I really really prefer arguing with people who can’t hear me. 

[slithersnakecurvespleh]

fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says "actually works" does actually work.

hate exercising and realizing i've let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i've overturned my fight-or-flight response.

hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i'm less anxious and i have more energy

hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i've actually started healing about something once i'm able to externalize it

hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently

hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love

horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i'm gonna do it tho

[slithersnakecurvespleh]

"I want to be de_d," I think, as though the words mean something. "I want to be de_d," as though that presents some sort of answer. I think it even as I know that if someone broke in and held a gun to my head I would be terrified, even as I know that I've had the chance minute after minute, night and night to do something about it and I never, ever do. I don't know if there's a part of me that feels that maybe I'm sad and pitiable, or at least impressively mentally ill, when I think about suic_de all the time. I don't know why I keep winding up in this situation where I obsess over the thought of suic_de like a bird beating its wings against a cage, all the while knowing that if anyone opened the fucking cage I'd sit there, flutter a few feathers, and then stare.

I don't know what to do to help myself. Ketamine would help but we can't afford it. Amy F. is always trying to get me to take walks and I have no interest in doing that but maybe I should try doing it, if only to prove it doesn't help? (It would obviously be better if it did help but I refuse to get my hopes up about it)

I think about wanting to be de_d all the time and I don't actually want to be de_d and it's suuuuch a dumb situation. Or, at least, I don't want to ki_l myself. I think I'd probably be cool with just winding up de_d. But I don't have any actual desire to ki_l myself, so I'm kind of just living in the hopes of out-of-control buses or something.

I don't even remember why I started this sideblog, though I think sleep meds were involved. But I just felt like talking to no one. Not a journal, which has its own weird associations. Just... say words to nobody at all.

[slithersnakecurvespleh]

I'm getting through the days okay, but the nights are for wanting to kill myself.

I think what I am trying to say to the world is I am unsustainably miserable and I need someone to fix it. I know I can't actually kill myself. It sucks to be having to keep living because someone else needs you, but it's even worse to want and want and want to be dead and yet to know on some level that no matter how awful you feel you never really would kill yourself because living is a very thoroughly ingrained habit and you don't deal well with change. The fact that K needs me is convenient actually because I can say, oh, I couldn't do that to my family. It keeps me from having to acknowledge that nope, I don't have the balls to do it anyway. Because "I'm miserable" is a valueless statement. If you want anyone in psych/healthcare to pay any attention to you you have to be suicidal. Misery doesn't matter, just lawsuit potential. But if you can frame it as you're fighting against suicidality for the sake of your family, like your superego is fighting hard to keep you alive but, you never know, the id might win out and off you, people will take you seriously enough to try to help.

Anyway I'm never gonna kill myself but sometimes it seems like I'm also never gonna stop thinking about it. I'm tired of this, of going over the same shit every night. I don't see a way out.

[slithersnakecurvespleh]

Othello sayhello ohellosayhello say

Doot

Doot

Do

We decide as we go and we do what we will. That is what we do.