slowlygettingonboard

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I figured by this point I might feel less like an imposter.

My actual first reaction to this cruise job offer was disbelief: “why me” and “someone else would be a better choice”. Basically, since even before day 1 of the job, it has been challenging my core belief that I’m not good enough. I haven’ even been to the Arctic, I’m a white archaeologist from Toronto - why should anyone want to listen to what I have to say?

It’s been interesting sitting with that feeling for 2.5 years, since the initial offer to  now, 4 days away from stepping on board - after months of preparation, hours of billable time, and probably going above and beyond in many ways - I am still not “ready”. 

I am able to allow myself at least to believe that while I don’t have the BEST knowledge, or the MOST experience, I still have other things to bring to the table than tenure or direct expertise, but, like a lot of highly specialised disciplines (I imagine), I feel defined by what’s on my C.V. In my mind, I’m in constant comparison to others with other expertise. I mean, I’m following on the heels of some of my mentors doing this job!

I think that probably not until after I finish the first itinerary, I won’t feel like I truly belong. Luckily, doing nearly identical journeys but in reverse gives me an interesting opportunity to try it again on the second itinerary! it’s been so many years now since I was truly challenged with something so out of my comfort zone - both professionally and personally - that I know, in the spirit of my Turbulent Explorer personality type’s motto of “constant improvement”, this IS good for me. It’s a reminder of who I can be when I step outside of the perceived safety of what I have become used to, the predictability and familiarity.

[slowlygettingonboard]

July 26 Day Trip to Islay

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Ballinakill Country House <3

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Day 1 and 2 Edinburgh and the drive to Kintyre through Loch Lomond.

[slowlygettingonboard]

Hello blogosphere, it’s been a looooong time since doing this. 

I have already embarked on an over two months long journey - part vacation, part break, part work, and part pilgrimage.

For 2.5 years I have been holding space for a sailing aboard the MS Fram through the Northwest Passage. For 2.5 years I've been waiting for the go-ahead. This offer came to me in late February of 2020, which I thought must have been spam or at least a mistake: “Archaeologist needed for two cruises in Nunavut”. I opened the email: “ I am writing to see if you would be interested in joining us on two cruises this summer on our ship MS Fram. The ship takes about 200 guests. This will be Fram’s fourth season in the Canadian north and we have a great relationship with the communities and with the Government of Nunavut. You would be a member of the expedition team responsible for the archaeology program including presentations, guest interaction, supervision of landings at archaeological or historical sites and other duties including submission of permit applications and reports. It is a paid position including days on board, travel days and permit application/report writing. Travel costs are covered by the company.” My Masters thesis supervisor had been the one to provide Hurtigruten, the cruise company, with my name and contact, after working with them in pre-pandemic years. I couldn’t fathom doing the entire thing at the time, so I agreed to the second sailing and they setup someone else to do the first trip. Apparently it’s hard to find archaeologists willing to do this since it’s peak field season. of course, the following week after my acceptance, we all went into the first form of lockdown in response to the global pandemic. Obviously, the trips were cancelled. 

December 31, 2021, I received another email asking if I was still interested in doing the two trips for the 2022 sailing season, since Transport Canada lifted the ban on cruising in Canadian waters. Departure was August 17 in Reykjavik, traveling to Greenland and through the ‘northwest passage’ in Nunavut’s Arctic archipelago ending at Cambridge Bay. The second trip went back the same route except instead of ending in Iceland, we would cross the Labrador Straight from Greenland to Red Bay, then Newfoundland, and eventually end in St. Pierre on September 21.

It was maybe not as straightforward as one might think for me to answer this time - so much had happened in our lives and in the world since March 2020, and I was so much more anxious and afraid. I’ve struggled with panic, anxiety, depression, and existential dread throughout my life, but the pandemic really ramped things up, among many other unrelated upsetting life events for both Greg and I. There was almost no way I could envision anything adventurous for myself on that dark winter night during the longest lockdown the world had yet seen. I worked through it over the next month with Greg and my therapist and received so much encouragement. I knew that I would be so disappointed with myself if I didn’t do this. I recognised how much hard work I had been doing non-stop, isolated, and at home, while struggling, and realised I desperately needed a change. I also recognised how much progress I had been making. When I asked my former thesis supervisor why she thought of me for this job, she said a lot of complimentary things about my personality, but mainly that she said that she thought I would really enjoy it. This was a gift. I didn’t know I needed that answer above the rest - I do deserve nice things and that I am enough.

A fun twist for the 2022 acceptance was knowing that Greg’s sister Steph was getting married in Scotland on July 21 and that we had been planning to make a vacation out of it. Steph brilliantly suggested I just stay on at their flat in Edinburgh until leaving for Iceland to reduce flying home to Canada then back across the ocean within a two week window. This would mean I would have to ask for 9 weeks off work, to take vacation, a leave of absence, and then work another contract job. Fortunately, and very much coincidentally, my workplace was increasing my vacation allowance which meant I would have the gap covered before being paid by the cruise. Work was also very accommodating and excited for me, with my boss reminding me these opportunities are important to take advantage of when I can, even if I feel like an imposter. All in all, I was ready for a break from regular life.

It’s been very challenging, and it’s only just been the “vacation” parts so far: traveling stress; traveling at all for the first time since 2016; being away from my perceived safe space/safe people; doing new things every day; spending time in close quarters with tons of people; family dynamics; preparing to perform a very specific job for which I feel I don’t have enough direct experience; adapting to a change of pace in my daily rhythms; Greg and I both getting COVID while abroad; and now, ultimately, being apart from Greg for the next 6.5 weeks.

I am using my next week to gain more confidence in the lectures I will have to give on board the ship and to continue familiarising myself with the subject matter. I also need to try to enjoy snippets of Edinburgh so it’s not all work. Mainly I keep reminding myself to reflect on everything I already have done to be prepared, to know that I am a whole person, and to feel ok in this moment with all of my life experience being what it is.