smalalslmq - Tumblr blog

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[smalalslmq]

and now the doctors say he only has weeks left, karma is real

only positive thing in my life rn is that my abuser has had some karma thrown at him recently, but it isn't enough.

i just wish he would suffer even half of what i did. im just so full of rage and anger towards that coward and yet, i cant do anything about it.

i just feel like i'll never get my justice

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what is it where is it

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i want to be fresh snow.

i want to be fluffy soft cotton.

i want to be a blank canvas.

i want to be baby powder.

i want to be a wispy cloud.

i want to be dandelion seeds.

i want to be milk.

i want to be a skeleton.

i want to be a marshmallow.

i want to be a pearl.

i want to be a ghost.

i want to be soap.

i want to be lace.

i want to be a dove.

i want to be sugar.

i want to be a wedding veil

i want to be a lamb.

pure sweet innocent untouched.

but i’m red red red red red red red red. tainted. a flower forced to bloom by cruel hands forcing petals open.

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bpd things

money? yeah, you’re gonna spend it all on useless things like excessive amounts of food and clothes in hope of making yourself feel better. then you’ll regret it five minutes later

 you hate yet love everyone and everything. hate. love. hate. love. it’s a never ending, exhausting cycle of intense emotions. there’s no in between

someone doesn’t respond to your message in ten minutes? it’s time to make dramatic assumptions. do they suddenly hate you? are they dead? 

you’re slightly inconvenienced? it’s time to commit suicide

all your relationships fail and you just can’t seem to figure out why

 you feel like everyone is the same. you see the same pattern over and over again in your relationships and your friends

you feel happy for once? well guess what, in about seven minutes you’ll feel like throwing yourself into traffic because Johnny didn’t want to share his pencil with you

nothing is worse than the overbearing feeling of emptiness that follows you daily and haunts you like a ghost

you’re constantly angry. just the idea of someone breathing in your vicinity is infuriating 

baths? did you mean: self-harm hours? 

everyone is against you including yourself

who is that in the mirror? is that me? Why do I look like that? I can’t recognize myself

 i’m sorry, what did you say? repeat yourself again. and again. sorry, i didn’t hear you. again. repeat yourself for the fifth time, i wasn’t paying attention i guess

you’re useless unless you’re perfect

therapy? no

 oh, is that a character I relate to? let me obsess over them for the next nine months

 you’re the most evil and horrible person you know, yet simultaneously the most pure and naïve person you know

you feel like the devil when you say no to someone

how about I split on my best friend for the eighth time today for absolutely no reason!

am I abusive? am I like my abusers?

 they said something that seemed weird to me… are they going to leave me? Is this the end? Is this all there is? Should I leave them? Maybe I’ll just disappear

you hardly remember anything from before the age of 10

nothing is real. we’re all going to die. nothing matters.

maybe if I get high I won’t overthink everything!

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i’m unwanted no matter where i am.

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what’s it like to be happy?

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fun fact. it literally doesn’t matter if your trauma “wasn’t THAT bad” compared to other peoples. its still trauma and it will affect you the same way. it doesn’t matter how “bad” it was, its something you went through and are continuing to live with the aftermath of, and, no matter what, everything you feel is completely justified.

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Even if there was no penetration

Even if they were younger than you

Even if they were physically weaker than you

Even if you wanted to do it at first

Even if you can’t remember every detail

Even if they were “family”

Even if they were in a relationship with you

Even if you trusted them

Even if it only happened once

Even if they had a mental illness

Even if they also were children

It was abuse

You have every right to be mad or traumatized

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you don’t have to love your family. you don’t have to love anyone. love isn’t a fucking obligation.