smallshroom

[smallshroom]

i hate writing papers that basically boil down to “what’s your take on x” because they’re always on shit nobody can actually know for certain (they have to be, otherwise you’d just be able to look up the answer and copy the one correct argument). and yes the point is to learn how to make a decent argument, not to be right, but i still hate it

i feel like i’m just lying out my ass, not like i’m making evidence up but i just don’t believe my own argument, like some undergrad is really going to divine why the seneca falls declaration is like that. it really doesn’t matter if we have this or that take on any events, because it doesn’t change what happened and it doesn’t change what we know about what happened. and not only do i not want to do the labour of bullshitting this ugly paper out i don’t want the finished piece of writing to exist in any way because it will not prove anything or be valuable to anyone ever

[smallshroom]

blah idk 

being an adult and seeing adults doing stuff with their lives, and the only difference between them and me being, not that i couldn’t go do what they’re doing, just that i didn’t. t’s still weird, and i don’t think it’s ever going to stop being weird. some things i learned as a child only applied to being a child, and i can’t seem to sort them out. i’m scared of things that are permanent and i’m scared of stepping into roles and not being able to leave them

[smallshroom]

after I made dinner I pretty much laid down and didn't get up for hours and I didn't wash my hair like I really fucking need to but you know what I washed half the dishes and brushed my teeth (didn't floss) and that's pretty good!!!

[smallshroom]

fucked up how, no matter how good and pure your intentions are, people you want to know can’t see what those intentions are and that it’s safe to trust u

and fucked up how, they’ve probably learned not to trust people immediately, from the actions and expriences of other people, and you’re not special and could easily fuck up while trying to get them to feel comfortable with you and be one of those

and fucked up how, while they’re going through all that with you, you’re going through all that with them

[smallshroom]

there is a shitty spot between

‘i know you and am comfortable being stupid and weird and myself where you can see because i know you’ll stick around even if i do something you think is weird or bad or gross’ and

‘i don’t know you and i know i never will again so i can be whoever works right now to get along’

where i have to be honestly myself to make consistent sense as a person to people i’ve had some contact with and don’t want to risk connections with (with them specifically or the communities they inhabit) but i don’t know yet if undiluted me is acceptable

i am in that place constantly on here because i like talking to you all but there’s no coming back if i fuck it up. there’s only one ‘all the car seat headrest blogs on tumblr’ and sure, i don’t follow all of them but if i cut out everyone i do because i was embarassed it wouldn’t be the community i wanted to be in at all

it’s the same when i go to shows, and when i go swing dancing. both the thing and the people are 100% of the scene.

THERE IS NO BACKDOOR AND I AM SCARED OF EVERYONE

[smallshroom]

getting shown around a temple there's an advice Buddha for every day of the week not unlike a horoscope I'm born on a Friday I'm supposed to think before I speak ...haha

[smallshroom]

i need to listen to more stuff than just car seat headrest or i’m going to start sounding like a shittier will from the dimension next door

[smallshroom]

i’m gonna be 72 in 2069

[smallshroom]

guitars going out of tune in the middle of a set = hilarity

[smallshroom]

y tf i don’t have any music friends

[smallshroom]

am i getting good to go to music school or going to music school to get good

hypothetical auditions are scary maybe ill just take private lessons in the summer or something thatd get me closer, too

what semester to start in.

[smallshroom]

me: i'm a normal functioning person

shitposts people with mental illness or neurodivergence made for themselves to cope: haha, i do this thing, it's d e a t h

me, doing that thing right then: fuck

[smallshroom]

i wanna be in a band

i don’t even care if it sucks it would still be fun + good experience and just all around good and good and good and i don’t have the words i just want it

but you need people for a band

ack

[smallshroom]

man I miss summer days

[smallshroom]

i think i’m gonna quit and go to atlanta to see csh

theres like pixies and the shins playing too its lit. like a music festival with bands i actually like/have heard of?? whaaat

ugh i’m gonna be in seattle the same weekend car seat headrest is playing in washington at some festival but i don’t think i could make it out of town in time and plus i’ll be fucking dead on the monday so

i wish i could follow them around and be a recognizable fan .or something?

they’re been on tour for literally years but i hope they announce more dates for the summer/fall or sprinkled some more usa dates in may/june/july for me to attend B)

i just need to get a credit card first. i mean i live at home but i haven’t had $0 since i opened my account so all the info they really have on me should reflect well? idk i don’t know why they wouldn’t accept it but it’s not like i’ve done this before

it seemed straightforward and really it is...just...it’s not lmao

i made a calendar page in my notebook. it’s very organized. i should have 7 weeks of work (partly before and partly after thailand) before atlanta to save up a lil

i’m gonna try not to spend much money... any time i wanna go out, i’ll just play guitar instead. yeah.

i’ve had the thought of bringing my acoustic with me but then it’s big and i have to store it all the time and :/

gaga in august!!! tickets next week!!!

i don’t know how fast you can get a credit card but fuCK i might need to ask someone to buy it for me----------------

ATLANTA

[smallshroom]

trying to fill out applications online at night but half the information the bank already have is wrong about you so you have to call them

1) ew

tomorrow because they’re hella closed

2) i am a creature of the nighT

like i already had to start again twice because they had my old phone number still, but at least i could change that myself

i hope i don’t just think about it in the morning and then go “nah”

i am so flimsy

[smallshroom]

2h8m is a frankly ridiculous album length