smalltittysandpiercings - Tumblr blog

[smalltittysandpiercings]

Here it will only ever be emptiness.

There is another universe in another timeline

Where I am not holding myself on my couch crying

I’m holding my baby girl while she is

And in that universe

I am whole

A wholeness so pure that I can feel it in this one

But here it feels like emptiness

Here it will only ever be emptiness.

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My heart so broke that I could beg for affection

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If you know what it’s like to hold yourself tightly because you think you will otherwise break into pieces

I’m sorry. Im praying for us all tonight.

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Today I saw you happy with her

And I heaved on all fours for an hour

Hoping to be someone small enough to be happy for.

[smalltittysandpiercings]

There is another universe in another timeline

Where I am not holding myself on my couch crying

I’m holding my baby girl while she is

And in that universe

I am whole

A wholeness so pure that I can feel it in this one

But here it feels like emptiness

Here it will only ever be emptiness.

[smalltittysandpiercings]

[smalltittysandpiercings]

Mother’s Day 2021

You are so fucking vivid today.

I could swear I was just in your bed

Just in your chest

I cherished more than I let on

I can remember the heavy inhale I often took in your grip

I can still smell you

I am still mourning you

I know it can only be from afar

But today in my memory I’m holding you

And today where ever you are whoever your with

I hope you feel held

I hope you’re okay

I’m sending the love I never gave up

Wishing it could be more.

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Maybe in a year you’ll be alone again and I can tell you how you killed me in every way I killed you

Not in the same process just the same results

No pool of blood could fade the pain

maybe my curse blessed you too

Maybe you’ll never be alone again.

I am nothing to no one

Always just a bitter taste

God knows me as something else

Or maybe not.

Maybe I am nothing but the cruelty of my father

Nothing but the harshness of my mother

Nothing but the impact I felt at 14 when a man first put his hands on me

And again at 17

And again at 21

He told me nothing I have been through has given me reason to break the things I love

And I know he’s right

But when I hold such beautiful porcelain it’s easy to misjudge my grip

I hold it so tight it shatters

And instead of pulling the pieces from my bloody hand my grip does not loosen

dripping clenching shaking

it is all to easy to think the glass cup is the source of my pain

It is all too unbearable to know I am the source of yours.

He said he is afraid of me

Unknowing he has always been my biggest fear

He feared uncertainty

I feared love.

If I could just go back.

If if if if if if

I cannot.

He said forever was too long to promise

Until it came to leaving

I know I deserve this.

I’m just not sure what that means

Or who I am

Or what I am supposed to do now

Forgiveness has always been a commodity to me

As boys clawed at my sense of self “it’s okay” slipped through my lips one too many times.

I never learned how to feel forgiveness only speak it

I never learned to tackle issues only to forget them

How do you forgive a person you do not know?

I don’t know if I’ll ever be worth forgiving

Or loving

He said he was afraid of me unknowing I am terrified as well.

He could have saved us both but he did not have to

It was never his burden to bear

And he didn’t.

Sometimes I wake up and I reach out for him until I remember I am no one he will ever hold again

And in these moments my head screams at me—

Why am I so weak

I am so fucking weak

He took my home from me. The one place I could always turn to as my safe space

Now when I think of the beach I want to run and scream and cry amd yell

I want to fucking yell at the top of my lungs

But I’m not sure what to say.

I pushed you into this

And despite the saying I don’t think there was meaning in this.

Pain is only pain after a point

Pain is just pain

I should’ve learned this lesson already.

He shouldn’t have learned this lesson

He said abuse. And I couldn’t wrap my head around it

Because I know that word too well

I tried to find the parallels but I couldn’t

But who am I to tell him no

I know how badly I hurt him

I pushed and I pushed but I never punched

Kicked

Choked

Never called you a name that left you breathless on the ground

Never has the word nothing come out of my mouth to describe you

Im stuck.

I think about moving away

But if I were alone right now in a city where no one knew my name I’m not sure what would stop me

If I am only what I’ve been i do not deserve these breathes

She is so much better than me.

I am so much worse than I thought

He showed me, me.

I do not like who I see.

I don’t want to look at her anymore.

Would you cry?

No I don’t believe so

I think for the first time in a long time we’d be able to exhale and relax

Because it’s finally over.

Death is so finalized.

I can’t hurt us anymore.

That’s the only thought that’s brought me peace in months.

Tomorrow the sun will come up amd birds will sing and I will be gone

And the day will be just a little brighter because there is just a little less evil in the world

I always knew my purpose was to rid the world of bad people

I am a bad person.

Some mistakes do define you

Sometimes you can scrub your skin until it bleeds but you cannot get rid of your scars

Some scars are too ugly to live with.

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Black lipstick

May it never touch my lips again

If he may never touch my lips again

The thing that made him see me

May no one else lay eyes upon

I remember how beautiful and strong it used to make me feel

I do not blame him

I do not blame me because I cannot blame a person I do not know

He did not know me

I did not know me

I do not know me

I Only know what I’m not

What I’ll never be again,

A girl in black lipstick,

His.

[smalltittysandpiercings]

Yesterday I carved an optimistic quote into my arm

Blood and ink blended like we

Creating a beautiful piece

But not without pain

I know you couldn’t maintain

All the cocaine and all the joking

I fell short

You felt short

And now we just try to forget

Me through the bitter taste or pills and heartbroken music

You through the taste of another.

This is all too familiar to me

Unfortunately we were not.

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I hope whoever is holding you at night makes you feel like your body I helped to shatter is pieces back together

I pray you feel safe and loved and whole

Because you deserve it. You always did.

I am sorry for the person you met.

I hope I get to meet you one day.

[smalltittysandpiercings]

[smalltittysandpiercings]

You hated horror movies

But they are something that brings me so much peace

To know there is worse pain than emotional

Worse mental deterioration than grief

All the little things that use to give me comfort

I’d never indulge in any theatrical superficial gore again

If I could just watch you sleep one more time.

I pray for you every night. Please god. Send him back.

[smalltittysandpiercings]

Louise Bourgeois, 10AM IS WHEN YOU COME TO ME, 2006 (detail)

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I THINK IT ALWAYS WILL.

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[smalltittysandpiercings]

I am so lucky

I have gotten to love so many beautiful people

I don’t think everyone gets to say that

And even though things may have ended in destruction and pain and heartbreak

How lucky I am to have ever felt such a thing

I am grateful to mourn you m,

You are so much more than worthy of these tears

If I may never get to hear your voice again,

I am so blessed to have once had it be the noise that soothes me to sleep.

You were an entire fairytale all wrapped up in a year

And even though closing the book leaves me feeling a painful emptiness

I am lucky to be able to look over and find our story sitting on a shelf I will visit from time to time

You will always be my favorite story.

You will always be my hardest ending.

You will always be my greatest blessing

I don’t know where I would be without you

I am lucky to be here. I am lucky to know better

To know that pure fucking people like you exist

And to find those people

To know I may find some kind of happiness in the story I’m currently existing in

You taught me that loss doesn’t set fire to the past.

It only gives a light onto the future.

I hope you know how much I still love you

And I will never be able to thank you enough for showing me that how to survive in this life

And that it’s okay to do what you need to to survive

You’re a fucking ray of sunshine that so many people have tried to dull

And I’m so glad no one ever has

I hope I didn’t

I would give anything to be as good as you are.

But I am so lucky to have once held that goodness close

For nearly a year of my life I got to kiss a face so beautiful it leaves you forgetting to breathe

And even so you’re soul was far more radiant

I am so lucky

I won’t forget that.

And I really fucking hope you won’t forget me