smearedinredsugar

[smearedinredsugar]

grief is weird in the way that when i’m lay down getting ready to sleep, every now and then i can hear my nan’s voice asking if i’ve gone to the toilet before bed.

grief is weird in the way that on those nights, no matter how warm and cozy i am, i will get up and go to the bathroom anyway, because my nan taught me to go before i fall asleep.

[smearedinredsugar]

i was not made for hookup culture, i was made for the most soul crushing experience ever. i was born to feel everything entirely and endlessly. i was made to feel everything deeply

[smearedinredsugar]

I am so so soft and yet no one is cuddling me close like a teddy bear

[smearedinredsugar]

I don’t want a weighted blanket, I want a girlfriend to lay on top of me for the whole night while we cuddle and I feel safe

[smearedinredsugar]

currently in my desperate longing for love phase again, ‘oh weren’t you just in that?’, yeah actually it’s constant. i’m always here, always wishing, longing, pining, yearning for the love that i may not need but i want, oh how i want it anyway.

[smearedinredsugar]

Every time, I feel like my life is starting to work out and I start to feel the smallest feeling of general overarching happiness for my life I get the urge to re-read Art Heist, Baby! or Crimson Rivers, TCOPTP, or All The Young Dudes because I don't quite feel right if I'm not suffering and agonising over something.

what can I say, I need my heart ripped out and stomped on to feel okay :)

maybe that's just me 🤷‍♂️

[smearedinredsugar]

I will never not sob over Eli saying “What are you sorry for Marlene Mckinnon? I’m gonna see my Alphard again.” in Crimson Rivers.

Not only is there the relationship between Eli & Alphard that we get mentions of, but in Sirius’ pov in an earlier chapter, he thought Eli didn’t even know Marlene’s name because he always called her “girl”. But he does know her name.

Initially, all the audience sees of him is that he is an alcoholic who didn’t care to do his job as Marlene’s mentor. And that is still true, but !! This scene shows how despite that, and all he’s gone through and done to deal with it, he truly cares about Marlene. He knows her name.

[smearedinredsugar]

so i took a nap (bad idea)

and now i’m sleepy (bad feeling)

but it’s only 6:22pm (bad time)

and i want to go back to sleep (bad idea, but good feeling)