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smilecancure · 1 year ago

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smilecancure · 1 year ago

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NANA (2006)

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smilecancure · 1 year ago

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February 26th. 2024.

There's so much I wanted to write, to say, to get things out of my chest these past few weeks, but I dont have the energy to do it. Or when I do, my brain decided to turn blank and I will end up not knowing what to write. Like now. But I guess, i'll just try my best.

Anyway, I found my old blog and the latest post was in March 2nd, 2019. It was about how I could not believe I was currently in medical school, revising my Pharmacology notes on antihypertensive drugs. The last few sentences were me comforting myself that more tough things will come but I will survive, and the post ended with;

"Hang in there, buddy. You got this."

Oh, look at you, having your own back since day 1.

So this is 2024 Awatif telling you, 2019 Awatif, that things did get tough. Hell, it was so tough and rough, it left you crying yourself to sleep, in the shower. You started to have countless self-doubts whether you'll make it or not, your circle of friends will disappoint you and gave you heartbreaks, you talked less and grew quiet among the people you once felt comfortable with.

But one thing for sure is that, it gets better. You know better. You deal with those problems better. Big news: You graduated!! You passed all your theory papers in year 5 and also your final Professional Exam!! Which was a big deal! You graduated medical school within 5 years and God knows how much you struggled for it.

You did survive medical school. And I am so proud of you. Really.

And not just that, you had so so so many blessings came your way. Too many to count, indeed. You didn't get the chance to go to Bangkok, but God has different plans for you, you went to South Korea and Japan instead!?

As of now, you just resigned from your first job ever! Heck girl, you even got a job! Though it was only for 3 months, but it was impressive cuz you thought you would just survive for one week lolol. We are now waiting for HO placement--which you still havent decided the place for you to do at--and i guess, we will definitely be meeting tough times again.

But hey at least, we know that we have each other's own back. Like we always do.

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smilecancure · 3 years ago

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December 5th

just finished my first eop for my first year 5 posting.

ya allah

i hate it.

i hate how im so mad at this situation that nothing can change the situation i am in.

i hate how the one that should be every daughter’s first love is the one who makes me feel like im unworthy of love.

i hate how i found myself slowly becoming like him.

full of anger. except that it’s unsaid.

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smilecancure · 3 years ago

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Nov 3rd.

Just finished my exam 2 days ago and now im home. Been having a lot of thoughts these days so i need to write them down asap to get them out of my chest.

I remember this time around last year (sep-oct), i was so depressed and mentally unstable. and this year’s october was no difference as well. spooky october indeed.

I dont remember since when do i allow so much negativity inside my life but it’s been there for quite some time. and it’s not going to leave anytime soon. Im in the phase where i am currently questioning everything in my life. Why? Why is it everything is going smoothly and fine with everyone else but me? Why is everyone seems to get their shit together? Why?

I tried so hard and put a lot of effort but i failed my exam. It was hard at first, when i received the news. I questioned a lot of things. When I looked at my friends who passed, the thought of ‘I think i work harder, but why can they pass while i didn’t?’ or ‘I think I work harder than her, but why do I failed along with her?” came to me. And I hate this thought so much because who am i to judge. What did I know about them. Who am I to underestimate the efforts that they put. And to make it worse, they are my friends. Which I shouldn’t feel that way towards. That took me quite few days to sit down and finally accept and move on. of course, with a lot of tears. To add to the problem, my parents make it harder for me to accept. Like i’ve heard the word ‘ooo dia pass semua eh. pandainya eh diaa’ for the 1000th time from my dad alone. Like ok i’ve heard you, you dont have to repeat that again and again to remind me that im dumb you know. I already know.

That’s one thing. The other thing was, we planned for a trip to Bangkok, which we paid for the flight ticket already. Using MY own money. Long story short, the result came out a bit later, and since i failed, i couldn’t managed to go since the date clashed with my study week. Yes. I couldn’t manage to go for a trip which i already paid for using my own money. The date clashed with my study week which i have to go back to college and also obviously because i don’t feel like going on a vacation while my future is at risk. What makes me feel worse is that how at first, we both bought the ticket using our own money until that one night, my friend texted me saying her dad agreed to pay the total amount for her ticket after she asked her dad to pay for it. Now, i’m not saying than i’m jealous she didn’t have to pay for her ticket (ok fine maybe a lil bit) but that didn’t really bother me not until i found out i have to turn down the trip. Like, great, not just that I can’t go, but I burned my money for nothing and then there’s my friend who.. idk everything was on her side. and everything was not on my side. I know. I feel so bad for having this kind of feeling to my own friend, but anyone in my position would feel the same way, at least a bit if not all.

Im a human, after all. Im not that perfect of a person who immediately sees the positive things when things continously dont go your way. :( it’s not about her so much la sebenarnya, it’s more about me. Im questioning about my life sebenarnya.

But thats what these past few days have taught me. That rezeki is not my place to decide in the first place. It’s not in my hands. It’s in Allah’s hand. What misses me, isn’t meant to be mine and what’s meant for me will find it’s way to me even though it’s beneath two mountains. Learnt it the hard way and still learning. Currently trying my best to leave everything to God and trust Him to do the rest. I believe there’s something in the future that Allah wants me to receive and that all this pain will be worth it. Looking forward to that day. Till then, i will still try my best to be better and have faith.

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smilecancure · 3 years ago

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i still remember the feelings i had when i wrote this 3 years ago. and tonight, the similar feeling resurfaced. the way this doa is still relevant until this day.

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smilecancure · 3 years ago

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today i was heartbroken. again for the thousandth times.

not to some strangers. but your own family.

and they ask why i always choose to be at college instead of being at home. because to some, family is their home. but to me, home isn’t home.

i grew up my life wanting to get out from this house as soon as possible. wishing for somebody to wife me up just for the sake of getting out from this house.

also to prevent myself from adding more to my sins by hating the presence of some of them, the longer i live in this household.

God knows how many times i try to refrain myself from talking back, defending myself, how many times im trying to be patient by surpressing my anger and feelings, how many times i cried in the shower or in my room alone because i was terkilan, was hurt by their words and actions. dont know if i will ever heal from this.

is it difficult to think about my feelings first? to not adding more salt to my wound? to read the room and understand what im going through at the moment? to talk nicely without having to raise your voice? if you cant help, at least don’t make it worse by saying those words. because it hurts further.

do i want to feel this way? no. them, out of all people, are the ones i needed comfort from the most. the ones that i wanted to share the problems i had the most.

isn’t that the purpose? of having a family? isn’t family a place where you can always come back to, to seek comfort, from the cruel things life thrown at you? a place that allow you to finally breakdown and still have your back? why dont i have it? why dont i have it when i needed that the most?

I was broken inside. not by some strangers. but my own family.

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smilecancure · 3 years ago

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