smol-venting

[smol-venting]

It’s not fucking fair!

I got hit by a car! She just got fucking knocked around! The door caved in on ME! I fucking saw the bastard coming! I had to brace for impact! That shit fucking hurt ME! I lost MY breath for so long I was so FUCKING SCARED! I was the one having to limp from my injuries that night! I’m the only having flashbacks and nightmares! Im the one scared to close my eyes! Im the one scared to be in a damn car!!!

BUT NO!!!!!!!!

SHE GETS THE ATTENTION NOW!

SHE GETS THE SYMPATHY!

SHE GETS THEIR CONCERN!

EVERYONES TALKING ABOUT HER!

SHES THE ONE WORSE INJURED VISABLY, SO WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ME!!

SHE ALWAYS GETS SYMPATHY BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF AND LIES TO PEOPLE ABOUT HOW BAD OFF SHE IS USUALLY

SO NOW ITS POOR MOM POOR MOM I HOPE S H E S OK!!!!

NO

THIS IS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!

I CANT THINK OF IT WITHOUT CRYING AND SHES GETTING ATTENTION

I WISH I WOULD HAVE FUCKING DIED

EVERYONE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF ANYWAY

AND I WOULDNT HAVE TO WATCH HER GET ALL THE FUCKING ATTENTION FOR MY DEATH

I DONT CARE ANYMORE THAT I LIVED THROUGH IT

I DONT CARE ANYMORE THAT IM OK

BECAUSE IM NOT

WHY CANT I FUCKING DIE ANYWAY

NOT EVEN A FUCKING CAR GET GET RID OF ME

IM SO SICK OF THIS

SCREW THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT LIFE

for once. For once I was happy people gave a shit about me. Gave a shit about how I felt.

Now it’s all back to Her.

Of course, right? Another Fuck You from god I see.

Screw off...

My aunt and dad keep asking if im ok at least. I should consider that something right?

Doesn’t feel like much...

I can’t feel grateful. I only feel hatred and unfairness, like a stupid fucking child.

And I can’t even tell anyone anymore.

...

I really should have fucking died.

[smol-venting]

Random thought

I don’t like choices. When I go out with dad or other people n they say something like “get something you want. Anyway. Price doesn’t matter.”

It makes me feel weird... I don’t like it because it’s foreign to me and im left to immediately start fighting the gross feeling while everyone waits for me to Choose. Im not used to that. Don’t let me chose. I’ll end up wanting to change it over and over and you’ll get annoyed with me... just...limit me.. I’m not used to freedoms yet. Give me time to adjust more...

[smol-venting]

My mother has trained me to need her, but never to rely on her.

[smol-venting]

No fucking apologies. Seriously. It doesn’t matter what cowardly, weak, inhuman abusers say. Your life isn’t theirs; it’s YOURS.

[smol-venting]

The very big and only reason I refuse to have children.

“You will understand someday when you are a parent yourself.”

—

basically every emotionally abusive parent ever

And then the cycle starts again with another round of douchebags raising children.

[smol-venting]

Signs of Emotional Manipulation #7

Your abuser becomes a different person around other people vs. being alone with you.

For instance: a friend might claim they have an abusive parent but when you go over to their house their parent seems overjoyed, friendly, welcoming, etc. Believe your friend. This is common behaviour for abusive people. They tend to isolate the victim and hide their mistreatment very well. It’s pure manipulation.

[smol-venting]

On one hand…

I wanna continuing striving towards my goal of being good at drawing cartoons like their canon appearance is, and impress my friends and make them as happy as the better artists do

But…

On the other hand…

I always feel like giving up. Scolding my natural style, always pushing myself not to stay in a comfortable spot, yelling at myself as I look onto those who make their style consistent and clean and all these other things, “be like them, not you” mentality, and I’m just really never kind to myself..

Idk.

I’m not good at what I do even though I’ve been pushing myself for so many years.. I know I can’t give up now but idk what kind of option is actually the best… I don’t seem to ever get Better. Just still stuck in the same difficulties.

Sorry for my rambling. Im sure no one will see it anyway xD

[smol-venting]

A message to my friends..

I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry… I know im terrible at this.. I really do try not to be…but I simply have lost control of myself and I am so sorry. I know I’m emotional. I know nothing I say makes sense. I know everything I feel or do conflicts with what I’ve done or said before. I know I cry too much. I know I pitch massive fits over things that can’t be helped. I know im irritatingly desperate for your attention. I know I’m really illiterate and sound like a child. I know I can’t remember 99% of things you’ve told me or that I’ve said so I repeat things often.. I know I frustrate easy.. I know my personality doesn’t make sense.. I know it’s not right for me to ignore you when im upset but..I have to or I’ll say things I know are wrong…. I know im impulsive and do anything and everything I shouldn’t… I know I say the wrong things all the time… I know I’m doing wrong…and I know I’ll lose you at some point… but please…

Please just…hold onto me a little longer…I wanna remember you..you’ve made me so happy so often and it means so much when happiness is hard to find in my normal life… I try to thank you any chance I get so you never forget how important you are to me… because I’m so extremely scared for the day you’ll go or the day I mess up again and scare you away… I treasure every moment with you and soak it in as much as I can because you’re simply amazing. You deserve better than how I treat you but please try to remember that I’m truly truly sorry I am how I am… I’ve been trying for so many years to change and I keep getting worse. My emotions are awful and I just can’t control what comes from them and I’m so sorry you wind up caught up in it…

Just please keep me a little longer…? It will mean so much to me. And I will do anything to make up for anything wrong I’ve done. So please know, as I sit here in tears at 8 in the morning, that im so sorry im like this, but I can’t thank you enough for everything…

[smol-venting]

I feel so awful and guilty...

R

So, I have plans. Tomorrow I stay at my aunts to babysit her dog until later when Kaylas gotta go door to door selling chocolate.

Then Thursday I’m finally gonna have the long awaited day with my friend for her birthday and I get to live it up. I have a cosplay ready and I had this planned for so long and my BIGGEST pet peeve that will set me off into a major fit, is when plans change, especially when it’s plans I was looking forward too.

So

Imagine how I reacted when I saw a paper from salishan management in my door.

And it said “your manager and someone else will be entering your unit to inspect it either on Thursday or Friday, to ensure it will be cleaned up before the “big” inspection on May 11th”

I

Cried.

I panicked and absolutely knew this meant mom was going to force me to stay home and not see Kae and not babysit the dog and I was going to have to clean all day and night and I just panicked.

Mom was in the car so she didn’t see it so I had to choose...

Let her know about it.....or....destroy the evidence....

I’ve never done it before but....I flushed the evidence.... I just tore it and panicked a lil more and never told mom...

I knew it would have ruined our night too. We rented the new Jumanji movie and we’re gonna relax and eat a family meal to unwind from our already extremely stressful day....

But...

Now I feel so guilty and sick to my stomach. Two very important people will be stopping by our now messy again house to inspect it, mom will have no clue and no matter what, I will have to come back from a great day with my friend, and have to clean clean clean non stop until may 11th IF IM LUCKY and they don’t give us yet another paper on that day saying “oh. Well now we elongated the big inspection day because we didn’t finish soooo. You got another week to clean”

Mom is NEVER satisfied and she will continue to be absolutely mean to me because I haven’t been cleaning all this time since our last inspection and she’ll make me clean all day and never see it as “done”. And im just so stressed and I know this is gonna affect my dreams cuz I’ve already been having a bunch of nightmares lately and I hate myself for being selfish but im so sick of things interfering with something I want to do and I don’t wanna keep letting these situations bully me. But also im awful and bad for lying about something this big... but I just wanna soak in my last bits of relaxation before it’s all over yet again...

And all this, topped with our electricity might be cut off because moms fucking awful with money and blew our bill money so now they’re threatening to shut us off and mom can’t figure out how to pay it (theres a company that might give us assistance, but they might only pay half the bill) and there’s a party we work this Saturday that she doesn’t even have enough gas to get to or enough balloons for the predicted 100+ kids that are gonna be there.

It’s just....never ending stress...I can’t take this....

I want it to be all over....I wanna relax...

[smol-venting]

Im not ok

Im not ok im not ok im not ok im not ok im not ok im not ok im not ok oim not ok im not ok im not ok this is fucked up and im supposed to fucjing sit back and care right im not ok this is not ok how dare she I thought I’d be happy to say she’d never fucking do this to us

Ow dare she

This is not ok

Im not ok

Im

Not

Ok

Idont care if she’s in a mental state ive been so I should sympathize cuz I fucjing do not

Ho. HOW DARE SHE

9:10pm MARCH 14

What a fucking selfish stupid asshole I cannot believe she dared to use that

How god damn dare she

I hold no respect for her ever again

I don’t even want to look at her

I will fucking smack her if she gets near me

I am so fed up with this bullshit

HOWS ME NOT WANTING TO BE A THERAPIST MY FAULT

OH IM SORRY

MayBE I DONT WANNA BE UPSET

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER

im just so done...

[smol-venting]

My day was absolutely horrible.

But

It has a happy ending

Until tomorrow.

~

Today we walk into this lady’s house named sarah. She talks super slow and drunk like, yet doesn’t drink or do drugs. So she’s just weird. I guess she broke her ankle so now she can’t clean her house herself and asks others to do it for her. She asked these 2 girls (married) to come clean but they did a tiny amount of work and tricked her into paying early then bailed. $80. So mom offered our help so we could pay tabs on our car (but mom changed it to paying electricity bill).

So the mom of sarah, a shaky old woman who freaks me out and says weird stuff, smokes. And im sorry but smokers have the dirtiest houses. Walls n stuff are always black cuz of the smoke. Hate it. So mom and I start cleaning. Mom does dishes and I vacuum. No problem right? Of course. Mom stops midway to say how “faint” she feels, then tells me to finish dishes. Whatever ok. So I do it, then mom continues standing and sweeps. Now she’s whispering tome how she’s feeling sick and out of breath and bla bla bla. So I tell her to just sit already.

I knew wtf she was fucking pulling right away.

We all force her to sit, as she battles us by saying “oh but I wanna help~” and I say I’ll just do it.

Boy was she happy to hear that. She sat the rest of the time, swapping stories with sarah while I cleaned.

I wouldn’t have minded so much, if I didn’t go upstairs to clean the kids room.....

And found large dog poop.

Ew. I found it UNDER kids clothes.

So the old lady comes n cleans it then I look to my left and see 5 MORE PILES OF HARDENED/OLD LARGE DOG POOP

SomE SMEARED ON A TOY!!!!

I gagged. She cleaned them but I still smelled it and was too disgusted to really work. I just pictured those being there so long, kids played with it IDK!

So I continued cleaning up the toys and eventually burned out. Used all my spoons up. So I started becoming fussy n frustrated I had to keep going.

I was asked to collect some clothes from a pile in the hallway to bring down to wash.

Guess what I saaaaaw~ 🎵

MORE POO!!!!! 2MORE PILES I N THE CLOTHES!!!! Insert more gagging and starting to cry.

Then mom left with sarah to Walmart and idk where old lady went, but I was alone to fold nasty clothes I didn’t feel comfortable touching. I started crying, in between pacing around having a one sided pretend argument with mom about quitting this. I just was too burned to even move. So crying turned into, somehow, me falling asleep sitting up. Light sleep tho.

Luckily my little sister came back from her adventures with friends and came to console me and talked me into standing up to mom and leaving. As I started to go, mom came home and said it was time to go. Lol. Good timing.

But with all that happened, and my reports to mom, im still being forced to come back tomorrow to continue cleaning. Mom was paid $80 and will be paid $20 tomorrow. For all her hard work, ya know. 😞

All mom could say to my experience was “im sorry”, but Sorry doesn’t cut it. I draw the line at hardened dog poop.

I don’t wanna go back.

Luckily mom took me to dad, afterwards, n I got my squishies and he promised to pay me $50 to do some art stuffs he wanted. ^^; but im still too low on spoons to do much yet.

Luckily my paci and stuffies n tumblr made my night all the better.

I just worry about tomorrow.

Im sorry for such a long vent... im also just documenting my days so I don’t forget.

- March 11, 2018

[smol-venting]

It’s funny. I don’t understand how anyone could dislike age regression. Well, to be more specific, why would anyone be upset at what I do?

I just had an extremely stressful day of crying and yelling and you know what helped me?

A nice pacifier, cuddling stuffies, drinking water from my smol bottle, and playing with toys.

Literally none of that is harmful to anyone.

Other people “my age” do really weird things to destress that are either expensive or just plain boring. I do not Want to act my age. My aged people absolutely suck. My aged people drink and take drugs and party and have intercourse and a plethora of other depressing things to “ease stress”.

My destress is calming, affects no one else and is colorful and fun and I just don’t get why anyone is upset. Liking these things has made me much happier than the alternatives I had to try, to fit in. So, if it works for me, then why complain. I’m finally happy with something I never realized I was allowed to do. I don’t want anyone taking this away from me.

[smol-venting]

Lastly

(March 8th 2018, 10:43pm)

Ariana, my half sibling I connected with in January I think, is just too much. I physically cannot deal with this anymore.

I’m all for helping someone depressed, because im there now and I’ve been so so so much worse. So I semi understand what people her age and mental status need. But it’s too much.

Nothing positive or advice wise I say gets through to her, and it’s just an endless “pity me” cycle. I’ve tried too hard, at the risk of my own mental health, to give her advice I learned growing up, or even just trying to say “i understand and im sorry”. Doesn’t matter. It’s just endless.

So she started showing me a picture of a x-acto knife (very very thin bladed thing usually only used on paper or, I suppose, other things needing careful cutting) and talked about her urge to use it on herself.

This was immediately triggering. I cannot handle seeing things like that anymore.

I’ve used that blade, a knife, scissors, boxcutters, a razor blade, and even glass. My right leg and left arm are Permanently damaged and will forever show my weakness. I regret them all and unfortunately I won’t ever forget the reasoning behind each individual scar.

So

Hearing this bs if her contemplating cutting set me off. I ranted to her about simply how I had it bad with that habit and still struggle with it and wish she wouldn’t do the same.

Didn’t matter really. Her response was (after apologizing for loosing my cool a bit) “im not mad. But it gave me an idea to write and symbolize my depression so others understand”

😒 ok. Sure. Thats....a better alternative? Go for it.

Hours later she comes back saying “my mom and therapist saw my writing and want it to become viral so others understand depression too”

😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒 um........no. Sorry. They only said that to make you feel better. 😞

So she lets me see this long rant about how her depression basically manifests as a female that’s a total abuser n other really confusing stuff that unfortunately beared a slight resemblance to how I once described Jenn and Stephanie. Back when things were haywire. So.....

There came the flood of memories of my struggles to maintain stability.

Such a simple thing, turned into flashes of memory that made me feel sick.

Ugh. So she then asked me to seriously blast her long ass poem thing to all my friends to try and make it viral.

I said No.

My friends and family would absolutely not care about this unless it was a pity thing. And none of them would make it viral. All my “friends” are losers too. Anyway, I said no and she seriously seemed offended. It’s not my damn job to do anything you say, Ariana. Find friends and fucking do it yourself.

And since you claim your therapist and mom finally understand you, maybe you can get help from THEM. Not me.

But overall I feel guilty for seeming so heartless. But I’m starting to see where I’m supposed to have My mental health take precedence over someone else’s if I can’t handle it. It’s an interesting feeling but guilt easily seeps in telling me im supposed to put her first because I could lose her if she gets mad enough that im not feeding into her games.

Sigh... idk. Life’s seriously taking a toll on me. Im staying as strong as I can, especially with being in smol space that relives some of the pressures, but...they’ll only continue piling up... how much longer am I supposed to keep pushing through before I collapse under the weight of it all..?

Ew....im starting to sound like Ariana....

Anyway, I think that’s all for tonight.

My finger hurts from tapping my keyboard xD

[smol-venting]

Another quick thing to mention is I was asking Kayla if she remembered a cute thing she used to do called The Kayla show! She made cute posters and Kayla news, and put on lil shows for us, and made cute tickets a few years back. She doesn’t remember it but you know what she Does remember?

Mom was angry Kayla didn’t wanna read the news she made so mom fought and fought her until she forced her to or she’d have to go to bed early.

That.

That’s her memory of a really cute, creative time in her life.

It really says something, doesn’t it.

But no no. Our house is great. There’s no possible reason we’re depressed and call it emotional abuse. Nope. Can’t imagine why we’d do that. Ha.

[smol-venting]

Jamie:

So, I care about my sister. A lot. And I know she’s struggling in school and despite how much I wish school didn’t exist, SOMEONE has to help her through it and CLEARLY mom has no interest. She just blames Kayla for not trying hard enough or tells her not to care about her work so mom can go do *insert seemingly helpful that’s actually selfish thing here*. Then some rare times, mom will offer to help Kayla with work but moms short temper gets in the way Every time, and they butt heads all night until they give up and hide themselves in their rooms.

Idk. Its a mess.

So today, I had the option not to attend the conference. But I said I would because I know her teacher understands our situation and I need his help to help Kayla. I told mom to please just go this time to show interest in her schooling but she refused because she simply didn’t wanna hear the same old same old. “Kayla is missing too much school and is failing in math”.

Huh. Maybe something needs to change then, perhaps????? Whatever.

So I go and he reminds us to please try to get Kayla more sleep, make math fun, he taught me and her some math tricks to help learn multiplication, and said he’s going to call mom and make a one on one conference with her to firmly address her attendance issues.

Why did I bold that? Thats a big deal. I would LOVE to see him FIRMLY tell MY MOM to stop letting Kayla stay home.

Problem. Every absence is backed up with a doctors note, that usually we lie about in order for the doctors to even make. Usually Kayla skips because she’s tired from staying up too late watching shit with mom, genuinely feels sick, or mom wants to do *fuckin Whatever thing* and coaxes Kayla to skip school.

And the teacher knows this. I fuckin told him. ÙwÚ hmph.

So with all this info, I expected to go home and give mom the news and see her act shocked. Nope. She said “yeah yeah I know all this. Was there anything Positive he said?”

“.....no? The conference wasn’t for that.”

With a big, stupid smile, she turned back to reading stupid stuff on her phone. Well now im pissed. So i decided not to keep it a secret as I wanted to, and said “WeLL Mr. Hinson is gonna call you about her attendance-“

“He can’t. Her absences are all excused with doctors notes so he can’t argue shit. That’s harassment.“

Son of a bitch, what do you mean HARASSMENT???!!!

So she literally said he is harassing her if he calls.

He said he’ll take things on with the principal if mom has any issues with this subject.

So

A brawl will surely ensue.

I’m going to the school tomorrow to warn him of her crying “harassment” if he’s not careful. It’s pathetic I have to go through this shit. It’s sad I have to put him through this shit. It’s sad Kayla has to deal with this shit too.

I’m gonna try my hardest to help her through school. I’m gonna find math apps and do everything I can to help her because my mom is absolutely useless.

It’s funny, mom actually saw her teacher this morning before class, and all she did was brag about how much she’s been “helping” people lately n all her other self glorifying bs. He saw right through it luckily because he used to have parents just like her. Worse but mostly the same. It’s exhausting.

[smol-venting]

6:03pm, Sunday, March 4th.

Today has been hell in just a span of maybe 30 minutes. It’s still not over so I have to type fast.

Kayla was offered to join me in dressing as a bunny for parties. She was fine with it but as she tried things on, and mom asked to take a picture, Kayla said no.

Moms been throwing a huge fit since.

Mom doesn’t realize Kayla would be fine with pictures from other ppl but not mom. It’s just how it always been. This always upsets mom but today shes more irate, saying “how can I trust you to let people take pictures of you if you won’t even let me” so mom sat Kayla down on a bench by the Walmart doors and talked down to her, telling her about compliance and obeying her. She mentioned that from now on, mom would no longer ask for a picture, she would demand it. I strongly disagree with this but we as kids get no say.

As mom continued getting increasingly angry at Kayla fighting back, we moved onto getting Kayla a new coat since the one she loved is ripped and really dirty. Kayla kept refusing to rid of it because nothing could replace it.

On an earlier date, Kayla said she wanted a blue or green coat replacement. Today we found a black, pink, grey, or blue replacements. Kayla wanted black but mom said no because me and her have black and it’d get “confusing”. Me and Kayla verbally disagreed and let her know we would simply put her coat somewhere else but mom got so pissed and said “fuck you” to Kayla and left, only to come back, take Kaylas slightly torn coat, and tear it to shreds in the middle of the whole store. It’s been discarded now.

Moms now talking about her parenting skills and so on and it’s giving me such a head ache. Kayla is acting unaffected, laughing at this situation and im forced in between them to keep peace.

I absolutely hate this… what kind of life is this for us…