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[smolstabastard]

Ask Memes ;; Sass Edition

You can’t fight me, you’re miniature. 

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. 

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

I hope karma slaps you in the face before I do.

You know, it only takes four muscles to just extend your arm and bitchslap the twat. 

Congratulations on being an awful bitch who’s completely oblivious to the fact that everyone hates you. 

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

My business isn’t your business; so unless you’re my thong, don’t be up my arse. 

I may look calm, but in my head I’ve killed you three times already. 

I would retaliate against your snotty remark, but since you resemble a garden gnome, I’d say the joke is on you. 

I thought I saw your face on my newsfeed but it turns out it was just a picture of a potato.

You want to walk out of my life, there’s the door. Hell, I’ll even hold it open for you. 

I don’t do fashion, I am fashion. 

Somewhere out there there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breath. I think you owe it an apology. 

I’m only single because I’m too sassy for everyone.

Bitch please, have you seen me? I’m a princess. 

I think, therefore I’m single.

Life’s too short to bullshit.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

When in doubt, freak ‘em out.

I’d rather die my way than live yours.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

[smolstabastard]

“Fuck if I know. I’m not a monster hunter. I was specialized in killing humans, and monsters were typically the thing of legend. But if you’re so desperate for death, ditch the parasol anyway. Unless your interest is only shallow?” Maybe he shouldn’t taunt her, but he didn’t appreciate her sudden shift in attitude. It seemed mocking.

smolstabastard‌:

“Every monster has a weakness, something that can kill it. Werewolves can be killed by silver, vampires by sunlight or certain weapons. What are you?” He’s sure he can figure out how to kill her if he knew what she was.

Flandre almost laughed- he clearly couldn’t tell what she was, even though he had just said it. She managed to hold her tongue, but just barely. 

“Well, I’m not going out in the sun without my parasol, no matter what happens. That’s too painful. I think it would take too long, as well.” Between her fangs, red eyes, and the nature of that answer, she was pretty sure her species would be obvious now. It always took her off-guard when people couldn’t tell her vampiric nature, to be honest; she knew her wings were different to say the least, but come on!

“Tell me, what weapons are you referring to? Crosses? Those things are dumb. Do hunters still use those?”

[smolstabastard]

“Every monster has a weakness, something that can kill it. Werewolves can be killed by silver, vampires by sunlight or certain weapons. What are you?” He’s sure he can figure out how to kill her if he knew what she was.

smolstabastard‌:

“That’s a long question. I can direct you to some reading materials that would be better.” Though already he was sizing up the young woman, trying to figure out how best to take her down. Old habits die hard. “Humans die easily, but not easily at the same time. Physically, the human body wants to live. It’s designed to keep itself up. You can bleed out for one reason or another, which depending on your injury can be slow and painful, or quick and painless. You can drown. The human body actually shuts down if it’s too hot or too cold.”

“As for that, humans believe in an afterlife. They believe life goes on after death. Some people believe that they either go to a paradise for their good deeds, or to an eternal punishment for their crimes. Those that have done wicked crimes often fear punishment.”

“It’s so strange. Humans break so easily, but somehow they keep going even when you’d think they would have broken a long time ago, too. I don’t understand how they manage to do both.”

She sighed softly, muttering under her breath. “…there’s a lot I don’t understand about humans.” It was somewhat painful to admit, as even though she knew she didn’t know a lot about the world at large, she didn’t like admitting that humans had more depth to them than she had once thought. It was easier to think of them as either drinks, cruel, or both.

“Anyways, you seem to know a lot about human death, but what about youkai death? We don’t obey the same rules humans do, y’know.”

[smolstabastard]

“That’s a long question. I can direct you to some reading materials that would be better.” Though already he was sizing up the young woman, trying to figure out how best to take her down. Old habits die hard. “Humans die easily, but not easily at the same time. Physically, the human body wants to live. It’s designed to keep itself up. You can bleed out for one reason or another, which depending on your injury can be slow and painful, or quick and painless. You can drown. The human body actually shuts down if it’s too hot or too cold.”

“As for that, humans believe in an afterlife. They believe life goes on after death. Some people believe that they either go to a paradise for their good deeds, or to an eternal punishment for their crimes. Those that have done wicked crimes often fear punishment.”

smolstabastard‌:

“You can come up with an excuse for your 24 hour disappearance and she would never need to know.” Not that it mattered to him. He shrugged and continued his explanation on death as a concept. 

“Death is a terrifying thing to most humans. They fear the unknown, of being punished for their past crimes, of life having no meaning. They fear pain. Depending on how you go, it can be painful. It can take days. Months. Years to fully die. If you’re lucky, you die quickly, near instantaneously.”

As an assassin, he had too much experience with death.

“Physically, it’s different even more, depending on what’s killing you.”

“Huh… what are some of the most painful ways? And most painless?” The flood of curiosity wasn’t going to stop now, especially given that she was brainstorming ideas of what excuse she could tell Remilia if she were to go through with this. Something told her that her sister wasn’t going to buy it for very long, though…

“It’s strange that they’d be afraid of being punished, though. How can you be punished if you’re not feeling anything, right?” Flandre was more than aware of the concepts of Heaven and Hell, but frankly, she didn’t particularly care about either one. She felt like she had no reason to fear death, or even expect it anytime in the near future unless it was by her own choice, so it didn’t matter to her. 

“Years aren’t even that long.”

[smolstabastard]

“The people on this island just get dumber and dumber. It feels like the gods are scraping the bottom of the barrel with these latest kidnap victims.”

[smolstabastard]

“Logically speaking, of course there’s something past the haze. Physically speaking, we cannot explore it until they give us permission.”

“I wonder if there’s anything past the haze that’s around the island. I mean, I walked through it earlier, yet I kinda had a feeling that I should just turn back instead.” Technically, he went to explore the haze a few days ago, yet walked just a little too far. All he could remember was waking up in his bed the next morning… Of course, it wasn’t going to stop him from doing something stupid again.

[smolstabastard]

“You can come up with an excuse for your 24 hour disappearance and she would never need to know.” Not that it mattered to him. He shrugged and continued his explanation on death as a concept. 

“Death is a terrifying thing to most humans. They fear the unknown, of being punished for their past crimes, of life having no meaning. They fear pain. Depending on how you go, it can be painful. It can take days. Months. Years to fully die. If you’re lucky, you die quickly, near instantaneously.”

As an assassin, he had too much experience with death.

“Physically, it’s different even more, depending on what’s killing you.”

smolstabastard‌:

“Both. Depending on how you die, it’s either painful or peaceful. If you die in your sleep, it’s peaceful. If you get stabbed in the chest with a giant sword, it’s painful as fuck.” He knows from experience and rubs his chest absent mindedly where he was one impaled. “Simple. I can kill you. You won’t stay dead, this island revives it’s residents. But I can kill you so you can find out what it feels like.”

There was a long pause, Flandre apparently giving the suggestion some serious thought as opposed to shooting it down immediately like she probably should have.

“…I don’t think big sister would be very happy with me if I agreed to that.” The words were spoken with a tone that almost sounded… disappointed, which given the context, was beyond bizarre. 

[smolstabastard]

“Both. Depending on how you die, it’s either painful or peaceful. If you die in your sleep, it’s peaceful. If you get stabbed in the chest with a giant sword, it’s painful as fuck.” He knows from experience and rubs his chest absent mindedly where he was one impaled. “Simple. I can kill you. You won’t stay dead, this island revives it’s residents. But I can kill you so you can find out what it feels like.”

smolstabastard‌:

“A terrible experience. Though if you wish to know, I can help you find out.”

“…so one person has told me it’s peaceful, and another has told me it’s terrible. Who is right? How can you help me find out, anyways?”

[smolstabastard]

“A terrible experience. Though if you wish to know, I can help you find out.”

“What does death feel like? Humans die so easily, so they must know, right?”

[smolstabastard]

Damian started tapping his foot impatiently, confused and wondering just why she was talking to him about this nonsense. Stories and plots and such. As if he were just a character in a book.

“Your words mean nothing to me.” It was nice to hear that someone was proud of him for his own accomplishments, but he didn’t want to hear it from a stranger. His father, his siblings, his teammates. Any of them. But not a stranger. Even if those were the words he craved to hear. 

“Who are you?” The question sounds like an accusation, though it doesn’t help that he’s glaring at this woman.

DAMIAN.

It was a rare sight that someone would recognize Damian Wayne as Robin without his costume. It just didn’t happen often, unless they were family or someone he had worked with. He had stopped when it seemed this woman was talking to him, but what she said made no sense. A look of irritation flashed across his face, and he wondered just what she was talking about. 

“Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not from a story. And no one is proud of me.” Save for Dick, maybe. 

“Technically, you’re not wrong. You’re from multiple stories, although somehow all the same ones in a way.” Technicalities didn’t matter to The Lord; whatever She wanted to see, She would see it. She wanted to start again from scratch, so She wiped the board clean with a flood. She wanted an incentive to do good, make a Hell for those who don’t. “Maybe not people you see, or particularly know. But the ones who made you, who continue to use you for plots and other things…”

“There’s not many self aware creations. I don’t blame you.” After all, creations being self aware didn’t always sell. Of course, there was Deadpool and the likes, but The Almighty understood storytelling was unique. Characters like Wade were not easy to write well, at least for mortals. “If you must hear it, I am proud of you. You have plenty of accomplishments, in no big thanks to your father. I mean you, yourself.”

[smolstabastard]

[smolstabastard]

@luthortm yeah its... pretty bad tbh. thats not the kind of thing damian would joke about and its kind of annoying they made that a thing for the movies.

[smolstabastard]

Damian Wayne lecturing his father in Batman: Hush (2019)

[smolstabastard]

Advice on Writing Thieves, Assassins, or Other Stealthy Characters

I’ve put a lot of research into this, and I’ve seen a lot of great rogue-like characters, where the author was clearly unsure as to how they perform their criminal activities. If you feel the need to ask why I know this stuff, my main writings are for a book series called “A Thief’s War,” which should be more than enough explanation. I swear I’m not personally a thief.

Anyway, here we go:

Lockpicking:

I’ve seen some stories where characters grab a paperclip, and boom, no lock can stop them. I’ve also seen some where master thieves take a hammer and smash the lock.

A lock has a series of tumblers in it, each of which need to click into place for it to unlock. A key’s design is usual exactly what it must be to get these tumblers into the proper position.

There are a wide array of shapes and sizes for lockpicks, and if you’re going to go around picking locks, you’re going to need more than one. There is no universal lockpick. Furthermore, for some reason a lot of people don’t include the secondary locking tool: a lock wrench. This is used to turn the the lock, and to keep the tumblers in place once you’ve appropriately placed them with the lockpick.

A lockpicker will know that a tumbler is in place when they hear it click, but the noise is usually quiet, so they’ll often have their ear close to the door.

Can you pick a lock with a paperclip? Yes, but it’s hard as hell, and a paperclip won’t fit into all locks. Not to mention it’s a pain turning the lock once the tumblers are in place.

 With code locks, a lot of movies or books show someone pressing their ear closely to the lock, whilst turning it, and listening for a click when it hits the right number. This actually works. These are the most useless goddamn locks in history.

Now, if you’re writing modern day, with smart locks and various other such tech, I’m afraid I can’t help. I haven’t studied that as much. Though, the previous advice will help for most locks, and that information still applies to basically all types of lock that aren’t incredibly expensive.

Sneaking:

The dashing rogue slips through the shadows, his cloak billowing behind him, and somehow none of the dozen patrolling guards walking right by happen to notice him.

Yeah, that’s not how it works.

Sneaking involves a lot of remaining very still, knowing your surroundings, and holding your breath.

A thief infiltrating a house will scout it out, usually for weeks in advance. Sometimes they’ll pose as various businessmen, and try to get the owners of the house let them in for a while so they can study the ins and outs of it. Cracking open a window isn’t quiet, and you need to know what doors will creak and what doors won’t.

If you’re trying to sneak, you need to try and stick near furniture and heavy objects. The floor isn’t nearly as likely to creak when you’re near these. Furthermore, you need to step lightly, and wear the appropriate footwear. Usually some cloth wrapping’s around one’s feet will help to be quiet, but avoid any shoes that might make clacking noises, or sound like they’re peeling off the floor when they move. A thief will also never scuff their feet, if they’re any good at sneaking.

Black clothing only helps you sneak if it’s dark, and your surroundings aren’t bright coloured. If you’re in a city of white buildings and marble, you’ll want matching attire. This is just for if you’re skulking about a city, though. Just make sure you don’t stand out. However, dark clothing will greatly help you not be seen from a distance when it’s night.

If a thief suspects someone is nearby, they should always try to locate a nearby hiding spot, and remain perfectly still. Do not move, and hold a thief will hold their breath if they start getting anxious, as heavy breathing could easily give someone away.

Many stories also don’t seem to account for the fact that various rogues and criminals have shadows, too. Even a quick and subtle movement of a shadow might be enough to give away one’s presence. It’s really, really hard to actually sneak up on someone due to this, and several other factors. Most people will actually feel tense, and usually catch wind of it if someone is sneaking up behind them, as even very quiet sounds and movements like breathing will subconsciously register to people if you get too close.

I’m a master assassin, and I carry a goddamn greatsword:

There is a reason they would use daggers. Assassins didn’t usually sneak into the king’s bedchamber in the dead of night, without being seen once. There are guards. A long hallway with two guards standing in front of the door at the end, there is absolutely no way to slip past that.

They would usually have to get into the building during the day, disguised as a servant, or even another guard. They’d have to wait for the perfect opportunity to sneak into that nobleman’s bedchamber, midday when he was absent, and then wait in there for hours.

If the assassin is sneaking in at night, they rarely go through the interior of the building. Just like a thief, they’ll get the layout of the building, and then they’ll usually enter through a window, or wherever is closest to the target. If they don’t have those guard patrols memorised, they’re screwed.

But you know what’s not subtle? An assassin carrying around a scimitar, or some flashy crossbow. If you’re going to sneak past people, you need a weapon no one will see, and that you can probably hide if someone decides to search you.

Fingerprints:

This is mainly relevant for modern era stories, and I just wanted to say that I’ve seen a few shows where a criminal isn’t wearing gloves throughout the whole thing. You always wear gloves, you never leave the murder weapon. If you touched something without gloves, you may as well take it with you to avoid risk.

Slipping out of Handcuffs:

This usually requires dislocating your fingers. Ouch. But, if the one cuffing or tying up the thief isn’t paying too much attention, you can keep your hands at an appropriate angle that the cuffs will not go on correctly, or the ropes not pulled tight enough, and you can probably slip out of them.

Who needs masks when you have shadowy hoods?

Guess what the easiest facial feature to notice in the dark is? If you guessed eyes, then you’re right. But, if you’re blending in, and your eyes are veiled by the hood that’s somehow not obscuring your vision while you crane your neck downwards to ensure that it covers your face, then people are usually still going to be able to see your lips, which stand out the second most of any feature on a person.

Yes, a hood is good if you’re trying to blend in. But it’s not good for making sure people don’t see your face. Wear a damned mask.

This is all I’ve got, for now. Hope it helps someone!

[smolstabastard]

CURSED EDITION PERSONALITY ALIGNMENT

“A feral baby with some hint of cursed, huh?” 

[smolstabastard]

It was a rare sight that someone would recognize Damian Wayne as Robin without his costume. It just didn’t happen often, unless they were family or someone he had worked with. He had stopped when it seemed this woman was talking to him, but what she said made no sense. A look of irritation flashed across his face, and he wondered just what she was talking about. 

“Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not from a story. And no one is proud of me.” Save for Dick, maybe. 

@smolstabastard || ✗

“There are so many renditions of you, I barely care to keep up,” The Lord says dismissively, sipping on tea that She had bought from a vendor not too far off. Nothing much different to Her own creations, though even She knew that there would always be a better version available for a greedy price. No matter; those who were so blatantly greedy could burn in the Hell that She had so finely crafted and allowed the Fallen Angels to do with however they pleased.

“Not including the fan renditions, of course. That’s only natural with such a following. But your creators, they’ve told your story in so many ways, somehow managing to keep it the same.” It wasn’t any great feat anyhow. God had always been better, always will be, but it’s still interesting to follow the line of thought that the humans were so adamant on executing in some way. “It’s not a multiverse theory, though. Rather, common sense.”

“Humans are so proud of you, did you know that? The actual ones, not the ones featured in your story.” Of course, The Almighty wouldn’t know what it was like. It’s part of being a deity; if She knew what it was like to be a fictional creation, then She wouldn’t be God. “Arguably, though, the ones in your story could say that too.”

[smolstabastard]

“People think I’m aggressive because I used to kill people, but I think Superboy is more aggressive. How many fights has he picked already??”