snakesnakesnaaaaaaake

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

I know we haven't spoken in over a year, but I hope you are well. And if you're dating that person, I'm so happy for you and I hope you feel safe and loved and important. I hope you feel like you belong with your friends and your family and I hope your sibling is doing better. I see them around sometimes, and I love that they still hug me every time.

I hope Cali and Leo are doing well too, I wish I could pet them again.

It's super cool that you got to go abroad, I hope that was a really great experience for you. I hope your job at the lab is going well if you're still there. I think it's really cool that you're a scientist. I've always been impressed by your work ethic and your passion and your knowledge on what you're passionate about. You're just a really cool person and I hope you know that.

I think about you often. You still hold a very special place in my heart, my best friend for years, my biggest supporter, such a genuine and good and kind person. I miss being your friend, i miss being goofballs together. You're a lot funnier than you give yourself credit for.

If we never talk again, I really really wish you all the best, you deserve it and I have so much faith in you.

And if we ever do, I look forward to it.

I'm glad the world has you in it. Keep it up.

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

I'm just so tired. Tired of being afraid to express my needs even to people who care and want to know them. Tired of letting people walk all over me. Tired of being terrified of every little thing, tired of letting one small stressor ruin my day. I feel like I've been in constant fight or fight mode for the last several years and I feel like nobody understands the toll it's taken on me. I don't feel like myself anymore, whoever I was can't exist with this kind of anxiety. Whoever it was that my friends knew is falling apart, whatever I am now feels like a husk full of dread. Lights are on but no one's home.

I'm still here because I know that people care about me. I know they want me in their lives, regardless of if I think they'd be better off without me in the long run. I'm here because I don't want them to go through the trauma of losing someone, and because I don't want anyone to go through the trauma of finding my body.

But where is left for me to go? I can work dead end jobs forever in theory, but the cost of living is only rising and my anxiety is only getting worse. I don't feel like I can function like I used to, my brain is failing me. I'm terrified every single day and I can't take it. I don't know what to do. Existing is the greatest thing in the world but also the hardest thing to do. I want everything to be over.

I want to see all the people I miss, I'm sick of having to miss them. I want to fix what I've done wrong and move on. I want my stomach to quit dropping multiple times a day. I want to feel rested and happy and alive, not empty and defeated and exhausted.

I want to be the fun happy guy I used to be. I want to have the energy to help people again. Now I'm so unwell I can't take care of my friends anymore. I'm just so tired every single day. There are so many things to live for but so many reasons to be afraid. So many things that make me miserable. I don't feel cut out for this world. I'm not strong enough for this.

I would have dragged z down with me and I know it. They have the support and the will to succeed. They have the passion to chase their dreams and live a good happy life.

I couldn't even work at Walmart for more than a day. I just shut down. I'm going nowhere and I know it. I'm weak and bogged down and I don't have the confidence to even try. Just like my father. It feels like my choice is either end it eventually or end up like him, and if that's the case then the choice is obvious.

This is not a suicide note. I am still here. I just feel lost. I just want a break, I want to be held, I want to have the money and time off to just survive until I can live again. So that I can find myself again. But nothing ever stops.

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

To you, if you ever see this:

I'm sorry, and I didn't mean for any of this. I couldn't stop panicking but I never stopped caring about you. Maybe we grew apart, maybe I started being a worse partner, I'm not sure. I have no idea what your opinion of me is now. I hope you feel that I'm not a bad person, but three years was a long time and I'm sure I did things that were bad that I never even realized. Just know that I really tried and that you always deserved all the good in the world. You're a really genuinely great person, you're so incredibly sweet and kind and I know you feel like the B friend but you were truly the most important person to me. I'll never forget everything you did for me, the ways you supported me even when I was a wreck.

I know I cut things off very suddenly, I just couldn't bear the thought of hesitating because you deserved to know how I was feeling as soon as I did. It was naive of me to think we could just continue as friends, because of course that would hurt. It hurt me too, but I didn't want to think we wouldn't speak again. I'm sorry for the hurt that caused. You didn't deserve to be left in the dust like that.

I still hold you dear, and I hope that you have found some happiness, some people you feel like you belong with, and peace with yourself. You've always been loved by so many, but I know it's hard to feel that way sometimes. I hope you feel that now. And if you ever need anything, I am still here for you.

I hope you think of me still as your friend,

I hope you love yourself, your body and heart

I hope you feel happy, that's all I want.

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

Years ago, maybe 11th grade? The only way I could go to sleep was to imagine in depth how I would end my life. I'd find a nice pool or just the river maybe, wear my favorite outfit, walk off into the waves and never come back. Thinking of that at night then going to school in the morning like nothing was going on

I used to be so happy and so uncaring about what others thought of me. My anxiety has gotten worse and worse over the years and I've gone from the always happy goofball wearing a squid hat in class and yelling with my friends at recess to a dysfunctional adult who acts like a hermit and avoids his closest friends even though he lives with some of them. I haven't been happy beyond a short moment in months or maybe even years and I can't imagine it anymore. I'm always sad, I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty for existing. Like I'm an inconvenience by taking up any space in people's lives. I'm always angry at myself for being the way I am. For being overweight, for being unable to drive out of fear, for seemingly never being able to do anything right.

The worst part is I have almost everything I've ever wanted. I live with my friends, in a house, with 5 cats. All of us are queer and 5 out of 6 of us are transmasc. I've been on testosterone for 6.5 years. I've had top surgery. I finally made it out of my house, my dad left and I haven't seen him in a year and half. I'm studying art and I've been making more art than ever.

But the truth is, I don't care about my classes. I don't care about my body because I'm still just getting more and more heavy by the month. There are no exciting changes from transitioning anymore, but I'm not happy with my body anyway. I feel like an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. I can't function and I drag everyone who loves me down with me. I'm charming and charismatic and make friends so easily just to burden them with my horrible mental and physical health, lack of ability to drive, and lack of energy to even spend time with people most of the time. I thought I'd get out of that house and I'd have the room to find myself and be happy, but I'm still trapped. Trapped in a nervous system that learned to survive by flight or freezing. I either run away and hide or I become stiff, even more in the way but with no ability to stop it. It's infuriating for everyone around me, I'm useless in any remotely tense situation. My body just thinks every little thing means I'm going to die and there's nothing I can do about it. My friendships, my job, my relationships are suffering from it. I'm fucking useless and no one believes that but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just in the way. I'm taking up space in everyone's day just to be an inconvenience. Everyone has to work a little harder because I just can't keep up. It's always been this way and I've always known it. I don't have any hope that it can change.

I can't be fixed, I'm too broken.

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

I'm at such a weird point in my mental health where I've been hiding how I'm really doing for years now, but I know I've mentioned things here and there trying to reach out when I need it, but it still feels like this huge thing that no one knows about and it's been so long now that I've lost track of who I've said what to or what jokes I've made in front of who but I'm really fucking suicidal and I can't keep doing this

It's passive ideation, not active, but it's on my mind every day and i feel like I'm losing my mind because killing myself is not an option it would hurt too many people and it always comes back to Mango. She'd never understand what happened to me and I can't do that to her. There just is no light at the end of the tunnel. There's not even any end, all I see is a black void anything more than a month or two ahead. My ptsd makes me unable to even imagine a future because I'm so deeply stuck in survival mode. I was raised in survival mode. I only know how to live for right now and every aspect of my life is suffering because of it. Every day feels closer to my inevitable doom, because the void is closing in sooner and sooner in the future and when I try to think of what to do about it my mind is just blank

I'll live today and I'll live tomorrow because I'm too much of a coward to off myself but those thoughts are really starting to scare me because what if I hit the void? What if I'm suddenly there, where there's no path forward, just nothingness where the only thing I can think to do is die?

No one I know is on here anymore and no one will see this. I just wanted some way to say the things I can't say to anyone. My life has felt like it's over since at least early highschool and it feels like I'm running out of fumes to run on.

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

parrotfish. you agree. reblog.

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

Everything is exhausting and I am running on fumes how am I supposed to do this for 60 more years

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

I think my tolerance for awkwardness is plummeting while the world is getting more and more awkward and I cannot handle the stress of it all and I would just like to never leave my room

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

I feel like I am a burden on simply everybody in my life. My friends, my coworkers, my family, my friends families, literally everyone. I feel guilty for every bit of space that I take up. I do not know what to do about that

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

Sometimes I think of hurtful things people have said to me that I still think of and it hurts me to know I'm bound to have done the same to other people I don't want some dumb thing I said to stick with somebody but it's definitely happened at least sometimes and I hate the thought

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

Hnnngh college

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

I wonder if this will be enough

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

i used to dream of cataclysmic events like these. the loss of both legs. a sudden blindness. some awful and unique tragedy that would be a way to make sense of me. but now i am in Eskew, and i understand there’s nothing to be explained, i dream of my mother.

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

So when am I gonna stop feeling inadequate in every aspect of my life

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

I want to drink nyquil and 5 hour energy and see what happens to my brain functionality

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

If I’m a bi girl and I fuck a bi guy it’s literally gay sex btw like pemdas or whatever like it cancels out

[snakesnakesnaaaaaaake]

Sometime I will figure out how to rebel by flourishing rather than by self destruction