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Smiles and Existential Crises.

There are days when you just stop. You stop thinking, you stop working. You just don't feel like existing anymore. You look at the sky and just stand there, not taking it in; your mind empty as your bedroom.

And there are days when you think so much that your brain physically hurts, but still you don't do anything. You keep on thinking about things that never happen, about things that always happen, about far away lands, about mythical creatures, about the end of time, universes, happiness. And you find solace there.

You see time in a different manner, its no more a thing that just existed. It was tangible, it was there, and it was confusing, but it still meant something. Something that you felt like you could touch, you could feel. 

You see the people around you so different, you see a person and suddenly you see yourself in whatever they are doing. Its not empathy, its much more complicated than that single emotion. Its just finding yourself in everyone and everything.

You are the young girl talking to her barbie, imagining a completely sane conversation; you are the middle aged woman running around in work clothes, with the permanently furrowed brows; you are the angsty teenage boy who experienced something terrible; you are the kitten down the road, jumping so unwittingly and eagerly to her death. You are the tree swaying in the wind; you are the sky; you are air; and suddenly you are everything and nothing in this world. 

And then you can find your mind physically expanding, a light feeling in your chest, the breath through your lungs go ever so slightly cold, you feel a bubble expanding where your heart is, you lose just a bit of sensation in your limbs, and suddenly that is the best feeling in the world.

Because if you are everything, there isn't going to be anything to afraid of anymore.

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Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but ‘Mom’s’ probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.

Kalyn RoseAnne (via extramadness)

goddamit. 

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We are the demons.

I fell in love with a demon once.

His eyes as black as coal, his skin as hot as the fire burning in the fireplace.

He saw me and kept on looking, until when I looked at him, he turned his head in shame, afraid that I would leave when I saw him for what he was. And I did see him. I saw his rough scarred hands that held me so gently when I was asleep, I saw the black, infinite eyes that I could drown in, I saw the red, glinting bloody lips that kissed me oh so sweetly when I needed him.

But he saw something else.

He saw the lives that his hands had taken, he saw the terrified faces that saw his eyes, he heard the screams that cursed him when he gave them the kiss of death and led them down to hell.

He could never go to Heaven. He would always be stuck between Hell and Earth, not knowing where to belong. But he knew the closest he came to tasting Heaven, was me.

Or he said so.

But he knew I would never go to Heaven as well. It is frowned upon, favouring the company of the Devil’s children. But maybe the people in Heaven do not know, that there are paradoxes everywhere and that he was the ultimate. That the Devil may be whatever our small minds can conjure up, but he was far more than that. That he was an enigma that we failed to comprehend.

But still, I understood. He says I am much more like him than I care to admit, a mystery to him since he saw me, which I dare not ask when, but I think not.

He felt pity for the mortal girl in the shadows, about to be consumed by her own thoughts and he was the dark angel that pulled her out and showed her that life might not be flowers and sunshine, but you could still like darkness.

And oh, did I love the darkness.

The darkness was when he came. In the darkness he held me, his rough, prickly hands, gliding so smoothly down my side, his heavy, burning breath on my neck that made me realise I wasn’t as alone as I thought, his smell, that smell of burning flesh and hair, that smell which ought to be horrifying, but since him, it seemed so comforting.

His eyes that shed blood when he said we couldn’t be together. His voice, that rasped like he was silent for a million years when he said he will destroy me if we stay together, his bloody smile when I screamed at him saying that I didn’t care, because either way, I was destined to Hell, so why not go because I did something I love.

Oh, he showed me the darkness and made me love it. And I showed him that he was not destined to be alone for all of eternity. We showed each other that there is a life in all this misery, and somehow, even in all this darkness and evil, love would prevail.

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Beauty in the Ordinary.

As a dark-haired, brown eyed girl, I was always envious of people with different coloured eyes. Blue eyes, Green eyes, Grey eyes, they all look so fascinating, so mysterious and inviting. And what about this plain old brown eyes? It basically looks like black and you can't see any details whatsoever that distinguishes it.

At least that’s what I believed.

A tiring day takes a toll on you. And after one such disappointing day I was standing in front of a mirror, wiping my face. There was sunlight streaming into the room from the left, the hot and blinding kind of evening sunlight, with that pale yellow tint to it. The sunlight was becoming unbearable, my skin was starting to burn. But then I looked into the mirror and noticed something.

The sunlight gave life to my eyes. My usual dark, plain and bland eyes seemed so much more enticing and detailed. I couldn't stop staring, drinking in all the minute little details. Who knew that what I thought was a plain brown circle, hid so damn many secrets?

The sunlight had made my eyes amber, somehow it reminded me of melting fire and the name hazel and chocolate all in one. And on closer inspection, I found out that I could actually see my pupil dilating. And that was a magnificent experience. Yes, I’ve seen videos where it is shown even more clearly and precisely, but still, its something to see on your own.

I wanted to relieve that moment, that single moment of infinite curiosity and fascination. And I tried to do it again and again. But as biology students and basically anyone with common sense knows, you can't . Its an involuntary muscle.

But that didn't make me stop trying. I tried and tried and tried. Until my eyes began to water. So I stopped trying. But still, it made me realize something. 

There is something beautiful about everyone, and sometimes, even you yourself can't control it.

You are it.

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Me.

I Like You

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To the Abyss without you.

How can love be so unfulfilled? Like, both of them know in their hearts that they love each other to the core, but afraid to open up. And then it ends. Everything ends one day. Their lives end one day. But they never have told each other that they love each other SO DAMN MUCH. IF they had, it would have been a fascinating love story. One that people would sing ballads of centuries later, one that would shape the people in the years to come, one that would make us believe in the universes, one they knew would leave everything in ruins, one that their children's children would look up to and wonder, does love like that exist anymore? But no, they lost their chance. The world lost it's chance to encounter a reality-altering love.

All because they were afraid. And before they die, do they think about this and regret? That they could have been happy for their rest of their life, but they lost their single chance at happiness? And just before their final breath, they see them again and in both of their eyes, you could see the love that was forever there, but hidden. And they both recognize it. They both see and understand the familiar craziness in their eyes and they suddenly REALIZE. And then the final breath passes by. They both leave, so unceremoniously. When people find them, they see two cold bodies. With their arms outstretched towards each other. Nothing else. They don't know the stories, they just see that the arms never reached each other.

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Everything’s a risk. Not doing anything is a risk. It’s up to you.

Nicola Yoon (via quotemadness)

Even being alive?

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Not cool, man.

This might seem like a privileged young girl problem, but lemme tell you, I am a normal post-teen (Is that even a word?). 

You ever feel like you are not enough cool to hang out with the cool guys, but you are seen as too cool to be around the other people?

No, please don't mistake me for proud little a-hole. I meant as, you are  somehow assumed to be cooler than them, BY THEM. But all you say in your mind is like, ‘No guys, come back. Im not what you think I am. I am just another awkward 19-something girl who doesn't know how to interact’. 

And when you try to blend in with the higher ups, you just feel SO out of place and clumsy and suffocated and all you want to be is anywhere but here.

So in the end, you just decide, its better if you don't mix with either of the two social strata constructed by this evil society and you will be good alone.

But the problem there is that you never have anyone to talk to. Ever.

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The Rain says Hey.

I don’t know how many of you people have experienced this, but back in my place, there is a specific time before it rains, when all the grey thunderclouds gather up ominously in the sky, roiling about, looking all scary and just about a minute or two before it rains, there is this eerie silence (well, IF you are living in an area that doesn't have noise pollution) and if you listen closely, you can hear the rain, far out in the horizon rumbling towards you. 

I have always found myself listening to that strangely calming, yet anxious sound. 

It creates anticipation. Like I am waiting for something. Waiting for the rain to come and drown me.

And in that two minutes of that wonderful music, I find my peace.

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Seeing the world in bright colors didn't exactly mean this.

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To make or not to make this a story? That is not even the question 'cause I am way too lazy. Maybe I will see this in about twenty years from now and then I will draw the second panel, but until then, let it be whatever it wants. Or whatever you want. Anything. But I guess that makes this everything then. So be it. This is everything (until further notice).

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Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Be curious.

Stephen Hawking

Get his book ‘A Brief History Of Time’ (UK link)

Hits right you in the feels.

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I made a thing.

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me.

when the story is just not working, but you keep writing anyway

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Random thoughts

Have you ever had your heart beat fast for nothing? Like, there is absolutely no exciting shit happening, but your heart just hammers away. Its almost stupid. You somehow get cold feet and fingers, your palms are sweating, and all the while, you ask yourself, what the hell is my body doing?

Well, lemme tell you something about this phenomenon, its one of the best ways to fuck up. You don't know what the heck is happening to you, but you won't care about whatever you are doing else, either. Making a smoothie? Eh, lets fuck it up. Reading a book? Keep on reading the same paragraph 6 times for 17 minutes.

And in the end, when everything goes back to normal and that little pseudo-scare your heart gave you is done, you will look at whatever you have done and go -

WTF?

[sneakersandstarlight-blog]

So basically I am here to share. But the stuff I have to share may not be worth much. They may be only thoughts and concepts. Everyone has a quirky questioning side to them. Mine is just way more dominant. And that's what I am here to do. To raise questions about things we never think about twice in our life. And yes, to share.

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No idea what I am doing here.