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nowhere to go. trapped.

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bite my hip

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via

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TW: RANT//POOR MENTAL HEALTH//JOURNAL ENTRY

I don’t entirely understand what’s driving me to write this. I just feel a huge loss and a huge mental weight on me that is eating me alive and turning into hate. I feel the need to share. In case others may be living as socially suffering lives as me. to make myself feel less crazy, to see if I’m the only one.

My mental state has declined and has been very stagnant since my highschool years. Finally leaving and turning 18 has shifted my perception of life as well as the dynamic of my social life shedding everyone I once knew off of me, feeling random sense of liberation, having complete tunnel vision for what I want to do for me.

but unfortunately part of my inconsistent mindset is the emphasis of these random senses of liberation, these random thoughts of “making this work” or “turning this into a positive thing”. The “this” in question would be exactly what slowly kills me, my social life. The morality behind love is a deadly thing. To me because with discussions of love comes these extreme expectations as well as different definitions of loyalty. When I think of love I think of a never ending, pale and weak silk fabric traveling through the wind everywhere, around the world. It’s not allowed to stop because it’s beautiful. It’s not allowed to stop because the wind is driving it, it cannot stop because it is weak. That’s what love looks and feels like to me. A never ending force being pushed by a wave of standards and expectations you are too weak to fight or put a holt to. These expectations are definite social qualities and standards like “loyalty”, “loving people for who they are”, “adapting to change”….. in essence the ideology that I cannot put a stop to it because it’s beautiful like silk traveling through the wind.

I tended to heavily consider myself and what felt like I was ripping away during this process. As often as it is for unstable people, no emotion can stay it’s own without manifesting into a defensive yet protective emotion like anger. Continuously experiencing these harsh dynamics of love make me question the sole purpose and authenticity of it as a whole. I only know what I experience and what I experienced is something equivalent to dying in the hands of a cold murder. It is obscene, it is traumatizing but worst of all, it is isolating.

What would make something so beautiful if there’s harm being done?? Just because it is ongoing?? What if I put a stop to these fabrications of love?? Answering my own question just hands me the emotions left with the events of nothingness. bleak and dismal emptiness. What once was a captivating, elegant, forever going piece of silk is now ripped, torn, stuck to the ground with no one there to pick it up- for any reason either? a refusal to turn it into something even more beautiful because it didn’t fucking matter in the first place. They wanted to watch it flow- everyone around the world. They were curious on how far it would go, what would happen but when it stops?? It stops.

and this is exactly how these putrid dynamics of love feel. when the force is gone, all of the “reasons” why it should keep going is put to a stop- you are left there to rot if you are not providing other people with something beautiful. I’ve gotten down to what makes these elements beautiful and it is nothing but ego. You cater to the world then they leave because they don’t owe you anything. They’re too good for you after bruising yourself and traveling through harsh wind. Again, nobody is going to pick up this fragile peace of silk they once thought was beautiful because it was moving gracefully through the wind, now it is not.

In essence there is no natural emotion without beauty and captivation but what makes this more vile is being held to a standard to keep it. If I am not catering to peoples ego, I’m nothing. If I am willing to be stripped of my pride and self worth, I am nothing. I think these epiphanies turn into hate, fear and misanthropy. What is there to love about the people around you if they’re unreachable, too high up to observe? all they do is watch then walk away when they’re done. I think that sets the tone for how I’m justified to feel, how I’m giving in to insanity. I cannot in fact, handle this any longer. I don’t think I’ll break but I cannot move forward. I am stuck on the ground like this piece of silk. Until I am proven wrong, until I feel authenticity- I will forever down in hate, violence and sorrow. You start to feel yourself become stiff and Separate from those around you as they are consistently dumb founded and intimidated by this ideology. I cannot force myself to be blind. I cannot force myself manipulate my perception of what love is because after being raped and robbed of my pride, my individuality. I have now learned that love is transactional. love is a facade. It is nothing but an easy fix for ego.

And I don’t really know where to go from here. I feel like a scared little girl trapped in a room with her abusers. There’s weapons all around me. I’m cornered, I’m in shock, I despise physical touch or any contact with anyone. You cannot be rid of trauma, mockery or ridicule. You can only use it. My problem is that I do not use it for good, I use it for the worst. I do nothing but cater to my fantasies of mass murder and silence. I want everything and everyone to stop. I feel as though I cannot move forward until that happens. and just like love, I feed into this imaginary world in my head. You all pretend you’re in love when you’re not. I have to pretend everyone around me is dead when they’re not. It brings me more pain to express myself but none of this is equivalent to what I’ve felt for the past 18 years.

I’m just waiting for this sound in my mind to finally “tick”.

-decayher

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American Psycho (2000)

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cr4ving d3ath

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do you bleed easily? (flirting)