snowbunnysadventures

[snowbunnysadventures]

2022.08.24

It’s been teen years since the senior year of high school. I recently thought about those past ten years a lot. And almost every time I did, I cried. Mostly because of regrets and what could’ve beens. Other reason is anxiety about what might come.

It had never occurred to me the possibility of me being an artist or doing creative work. I had always been too shy, too insecure and afraid of failures. And I didn’t have the courage, the consistency to start doing things and keep doing them.

Except for Japanese. That was the only thing I persist in doing. Up until now I have always thought that was a responsible thing to do. That I tried to keep doing what I started.

There were times I tried switching to art.

The first time was when I was in 3rd year of university, hardly keeping up with it. My parents kind of not opposing to the idea. But I thought, I need to finish university first. Then find another way out. I also searched for art colleges in Japan. However, the fees was high. And I asked someone who went to study design in Japan for advices. And he said the Japanese designing style was so distinct that if I learnt design in Japan, I could only work in Japan but no where else. So I was taken back. I didn’t fancy the idea of working there or living there for a long time.

Then I searched for outside courses. There were not many proper design courses at the time. I found one at Monster Lab, and did consider going there after finishing university.

However, after 4 years of university, I still couldn’t speak Japanese, despite it being my major. I was so ashamed of myself. And I felt like if I couldn’t finish the thing with Japanese the right way, I will always be a failure.

That’s the reason why I chose to go to Japan, but not for design or anything art-related program. I just chose a Japanese course at a university in Tokyo. It all went by so fast. There were hard times and fun times. Here I am, living and working in Japan for 4 years now, but in Customer Support, not design or art-related.

The irony of the one person who couldn’t speak any Japanese after 4 years of university, now working in Customer Support.

I would love to end this here with some high notes, of how I didn’t give up and pursue my choice until the end and became professionally good at Japanese.

But if that was the case, I wouldn’t have been crying.

Because of wanting to improve my Japanese and my social skills, I threw myself at service related works. Cashier at a big supermarkets, and now Customer support.

I have improved greatly from when I started. But the truth is, I’m still below average. There are many times the customers ask to change to a Japanese native speaker for support. There are many times co-workers couldn’t get my points.

And I’m just tired. And angry at myself for not trying hard enough. For not focusing on Japanese more.

And I feel like I would never be good at this nor fell in love with the job. But the money was okay, and it was corona time so I couldn’t go back or find another job anyway.

I met my boyfriend online two years ago and we were keep doing the long distance relationship thing pretty well, despite his complicated family background. Not until this summer had I met him for the first time. It went well also.

He is one of the main reason for the decision of going back to Vietnam next year. The other reason is that I want to be close to my family. And one of the big reason that If I do not plan on living in Japan for a long time, I should go back soon to start over.

Here I am at the crossroad once again.

I’ve been thinking of a major career change.

And the art-related option come up again.

UX-UI design is one of them.

I researched and asked my friend, who’s also switching from Japanese IT communicator to UX-UI job recently in Vietnam, at the same company. But she got the perfect chance. If I go that way, there will be endless of difficulties: learning from scratch, highly competitive market, kinda short career path?…

There is another much safer way, Japanese IT Communicator. I had working experience in Japan and also Japanese skills so it seems to be a better path. And going into IT seems to be the right choice right now.

[snowbunnysadventures]

2021/1/14

It feels like I’m saying good bye to everything around me every second passes. And it’s been breaking my heart cause I know I would never be this young and free again. And the biggest fear is that this might be the happiest and most care-free time of my life.

Of course I love my family, I would like to go back to Hanoi and meet everyone. And meet my boyfriend for the first time.

But I’m scared. I’m scared to death for all of the things that I’m not sure I will ever be ready for. Starting all over again in Vietnam. Facing my fears of working there, of meeting new people and worsely, of becoming unwantedly attached to the people that I want have nothing to do with.

First career then marrige. It will be simpler to just go back, live with my family and slowly find my way there. If it’s that way I will still be as free as I have always been.

However, the marrige talk has been coming up in our chat from very early on. Since we have not yet met, of course there are no certainty but there is a promise for an answer in 2023. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.

I’m so scared.

Of things go wrong. Of making bad decisions. Of not being good enough. Of being selfish or not self-aware enough. Of hurting people. Of disappointing myself. Of being disappointed.

However, I know that I have to face all of the fears and find my way back anyway.

Hope that I will have enough strength and determination, patience, practice and kindness to deal with them all.

[snowbunnysadventures]

28.12.21 0:53

It looks like I have it easy

Because you can’t see me with my hands over my head on the bus

Or when I suddenly burst into tears on the way home

Or my sleepless nights

If I ever have it easy

The aching pain in my chest, it wouldn’t be this hurt

It hurts

it hurts

it hurts

[snowbunnysadventures]

25/9/2021

Being overthinking and oversensitive is doing me no good.

Thoughts and emotions, they just come in waves, catching me off guard, washing over me, drowning me out.

But the worse part comes after them.

When those dramatic waves of emotions are gone,

in the shore, I was left, all drained and empty.

[snowbunnysadventures]

“Lying on my side you were half awake

And your face was tired and crumpled

If I had a camera I’d snap you now

Cause there’s beauty in every stumble”

I don’t know how my mom does it. She always makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. As anxious as I am, I’m constanly fighting with my fears and trying my best to avoid anything out of my comfort zone. She somehow knows how to make all of them go away.

I'm still confused about who I want to be.

But there is one thing I'm sure about now is that I no longer wish to be this girl or that girl, I just want to be my mom’s daughter. I know I cannot be like my mom. I'm imperfect, anxious, emotional, but as my mom’s daughter, I will carry myself more proudly, finding out my way in the big, big world.

[snowbunnysadventures]

30/4/2021

I don’t know why but suddenly it felt so hard to breathe and then I started crying nonstop....

I just want to get better...

[snowbunnysadventures]

めっちゃお久しぶりの自転車乗る

[snowbunnysadventures]

23/4/2021

何のため頑張ってるのかという質問が答えにくいことではない。

逆に理由が多過ぎる

家族のため

助けてくれる人たちのため

自分のため

答えがよく分かるけど、なかなか動けない

自分の中にある壁

なかなか乗り越えない

「頑張りたい・改善したいという気持ちが強く感じられるけど、その気持ちがずっと続けられなく、3週間後だんだん減って行くことも感じられました。」

それは言われても反対できない

正し過ぎて、痛い。

いつも少し外の世界に出て、少し頑張ってて、怖くて疲れちゃって、自分の安全な世界に戻っちゃう

その世界の中に、動けないうちに色々意味がないことにつて考えてて、悩んでる

このまま続いたら、外に戻れなくなるかも

ずっと探してて、何かを

いつか見つけれるって思ってたが

探せば探すほど、もっと分からなくなっちゃった

逆に、自分がだんだん亡くす？変わって行く？ということ気づいてきた

前全然考えなかったこと、今考えてる

前愛は全てだと思ってたのに、今ずっとお金・キャリアなどのことばかりで悩んでる

自分もずっと独立になりたくて、自分の足で立てられるようになりたいけど、

ずっと周りの人に頼り過ぎる

どうやったらいいのか？

バランスってどう取れるのか？

そいう質問に対して、まだ答えられない。。。

[snowbunnysadventures]

xa

mình không biết cách tin tưởng 

mình không thể lý giải nổi sao lại có người chọn mình 

mọi thứ bắt đầu đảo lộn và thật đáng sợ khi tiến đến quá gần và những vết nứt bắt đầu len lỏi trên bức tường dày công xây dựng bao lâu 

khi bức tường ấy sụp đổ có phải mình cũng sẽ vỡ tan theo hay không?

[snowbunnysadventures]

4/2/2021

Mình đang rơi rơi rơi rơi thật nhanh

Trên con dốc này mình đã thật thẩn trọng bước đi, từng bước, từng bước, rón rén và cảnh giác, chỉ trực quay đầu, thu mình bất cứ lúc nào

Như thể một cú trượt bất ngờ làm mình rơi

Và như mọi cú rơi, điều đáng sợ là bỗng chốc mọi thứ vụt khỏi tầm kiểm soát

Và thứ hãi hùng nhất là, ở dưới cú rơi này, có điều gì giữ mình lại không, hay chỉ là hố sâu thẳm đầy gạch đá chực làm mình tan vỡ thành nghìn mảnh

Là mình bỗng trượt chân và rơi, hay vốn dĩ đã tự từng bước trượt dài?

Thứ cảm xúc hình thành từ những ngày tháng 5 ấy nảy sinh và lớn dần như một mầm non nhỏ.

Lý trí mình vẫn nhận diện được sự tồn tại của nó, và làm đủ cách chèn ép nó bằng đủ hoài nghi và lắng lo

Chẳng hiểu sao nó vẫn lớn lên, những nhành dài xanh mơn mởn cuốn quanh mọi suy nghĩ bề bộn, làm trái tim thắt lại nhoi nhói mỗi khi vươn dài thêm chút một

Mình sợ nếu cứ rơi mình sẽ vỡ tan

Và mình sợ nhành cây cứ lớn cứ lớn cứ lớn

có ngày nó sẽ làm mình đau

[snowbunnysadventures]

So this is the first time we fight.

At first, I thought it was just a little stupid thing that was not worth pissing off about. I just brush it off as usual. But somehow I was still bothered. And then I talked to my friends. And their reaction caught me thinking more into how I was feeling.

I know they were just being protective and concerned.

I also know the other side of the story. That they were not meant anything bad.

Still somehow I still wondered did I take this too lightly? Should I show him more of what I felt? Or should I just hide them as usual so I could be this cool unbothered understanding girl?

Still he asked. And I decided not to hide.

I know he was just explaining and being sad.

But I couldn’t help but feel he was defending.

And he kept saying it was just a little stupid unworthy problem.

Still, somehow it made me feel that I should not have felt what I was feeling.

And that made me sadder than the thing that caused this ‘fight’.

[snowbunnysadventures]

A  July Sunny Day

Since that Sunny day, when I sat on the familiar 203 bus to work, I have felt that something had changed. 

Maybe it’s the way the sun light shines through the window somehow become more sparkling and purer. 

Maybe its the way the wind blows somehow become more tenderly 

Maybe it’s the way the sky look bluer and higher

Maybe it’s how the lyrics of every song now somehow make sense and I can start to hear the music again

Maybe because I got started knowing you.

[snowbunnysadventures]

I was forced to delete everything that we’d shared together. Every conversation. Every comment. Every picture. Even the captions that are merely my one-sided feelings.

I have deleted them all.

But one thing that I couldn’t delete that day, is the part of my heart, that has always been for you.

Thinking of you, I always recall one of the most important, difficult time of my life, the year I, no, we had to graduate highschool and took the University entrance exam, the year we turned 18.

Thinking of you, I recall the summer heat, the bright sun shined on my shoulders while I was cycling to classes.

Thinking of you, I recall our stolen moments through sneaking phone calls. How you sang for me. How we sang together.

And today I heard your voice again. It still made my heart skip a beat. And it made me remember everything about us all over again. And it made me realize how I have always chasing after you all this time.

How it makes my heart happy and sad at the same time.

How I know, deep down inside my heart, that we were not meant together.

But how I still long for meeting you, once more time.

This time I wish we could have a little more time, for us to talk a little more. And for me to look at those pretty gentle eyes of yours a little more, to hear that soft voice of yours a little longer.

And I also wish I could bring with me a little more confidence, a little more love for my own self, and something to believe in myself, so I could face you properly.

I honestly shouldn’t wish for our encounter, since you have had your girl and maybe when I had my chance to go where you are, you guys might have gotten married.

Still I couldn’t help that part of my heart, the part that I had tried to erease but failed, longing for a chance, not to be with you, only to meet you once more.

[snowbunnysadventures]

Just another day wandering Sugamo

It was very chill wandering round Sugamo with familiar faces and talked about silly things. I felt happy at times. But, well, when I talk about happiness and sunshine and rainbow and such, there is always a ‘but’.

But there is a grasping pain in my chest that just couldn’t seem to go away. When we returned to the dorm to attend the monthly meeting, when there were no more tender winds and small lovely houses and sunset sky to comfort me, the aching pain got worse. I wanted to scream and shout and cry my eyes out at times. Things seemed to pile up in me, since I dont know when. Somehow I still hold it in. Like I always do. I just done with oversharing my feelings and thoughts. It tires me out and also bothers others. It also doesn’t really help. I guess I gotto deal with it on my own somehow.

I don’t blame anyone. I also done blaming myself. After so many times hurting my own heart, I came to realization that only me can understand and save myself. I also done with expecting things from others. People are people. I can’t change them. I also done changing myself for anyone else. Its not worth it at all.

I feel it’ll be the best to just be friends. We don’t expect unrealistic things from friends. We become friends because we like to hang out with each other. Simple as that. There are also tons of things we dislike about each other but we accept and help each other grow. No pressure to be perfect.

It still hurts this way but I refuse to apologize when I didn’t feel like I have to just to please somebody.

I’m more stubborn than I thought. And I’m fine with it.

[snowbunnysadventures]

Lại một ngày buồn đời khác

Chẳng làm hết được bài kiểm tra hôm nay. Thật là một cú giáng vỡ mặt vào sự lơ đễnh chểnh mảng của mình. Sau vụ việc kì thi tháng 7 mình đã có kinh nghiệm xương máu là đừng có tin đứa nào nói là “Tao chả làm được bài. Tao toàn chơi” các thứ các thứ. Làm mình cũng yên tâm lơ đễnh suốt một khoảng thời gian dài.

Tất nhiên là chẳng blame được ai ngoài bản thân cả.

Gần đây mình nhận ra mặc dù mình khá ì ạch và thường bị dựa dẫm cảm xúc vào người khác quá nhiều nhưng thực ra mình cứng đầu và thèm khát tự do hơn mình nghĩ. Dù sự mặc cảm đã làm mình ì ạch và mất một thời gian khá dài khổ đau dằn vặt giam mình trong một mối quan hệ rõ ràng chỉ làm đau khổ cả hai. Dù mình hoàn toàn tôn trọng anh nhưng những gì xảy ra vẫn luôn in đậm trong tâm trí mình, hình thành một nỗi sợ khắc sâu, khiến mình tự động bật nút phòng vệ khi có bất cứ dấu hiệu dù là nhỏ nhất tương tự xảy ra ở bất kì ai mình gặp sau đó. Mình vẫn ì ạch, nhưng có lẽ đã lớn lên đôi chút. Chẳng biết cái sự xù lông nhím này là tốt hay xấu nữa. Nhưng thấm thía một điều là cái gì ép buộc thì đều đau khổ, chẳng đáng chút nào.

Cơ mà hôm nay, sau một thời gian dài lơ đễnh, mở manga ra đọc thấy bao nhiêu truyện ra chap mới, mình lại nhớ những cuộc nói chuyện không đầu không đuôi với anh về truyện tranh, có lẽ là điểm chung lớn nhất giữa mình và anh.

Mình thì đang đi lạc và khô cạn dần, chẳng còn hứng thú với mọi thứ như trước. Việc bận rộn chỉ là cái cớ, đầu óc chộn rộn đến độ làm những gì mình thích cũng là gánh nặng phải lấy cớ nọ kia trì hoãn. Dù mỗi tuần một chút thôi mình cũng mong có thể bắt tay vào làm gì đó đã từng làm mình hạnh phúc khi là một đứa trẻ ngây ngô ngáo ngơ.

Vu va vu vơ, chắc vết sẹo khó mà xoá mờ để quay lại, nhưng nếu được quay lại như lúc ban đầu, nói chuyện về mọi thứ, về truyện tranh, như hai người bạn, cũng không phải một ý tồi đâu nhỉ.

[snowbunnysadventures]

2019.08.28

Its a been while since I got this aching feeling again. It feels so familiar somehow. The familarity makes it less painful. How predictable. Deep down my heart always prepare for this kind of pain.

I could’ve once again held all of my feelings in for the sake of pleasing someone else. But I just have had enough of it. I know too well that I feel too much, that I always overthink things and I always hesitate to take proper actions. But that’s just who I am. This time I try my best not to throw my negative feelings on to everyone passing by. But that doesn’t mean my feelings don’t matter at all and I have to pretend it doesn’t exist for others’ sake and shit.

And in the worst time of it all somebody just decided to throw tantrum at me for the first time. Perfect timing. I’ve been hurt enough by boys and their sudden outburst. I take no responsibility for their feelings when they just always stomp over mine. It’s true that I didn’t do my job right but I’ve got my reasons and he knew that. He chose not to care. If this happened another day I would’ve held my feelings in and apologized and such. But on.this.freaking.day I fucking refuse to do so. Just go and think badly about me I’m too exhausted to care. This reminds me of my ex and that makes things even worse. How can I trust anyone with my feelings ever again?

I’m kinda got used to this heartache. It truly feels familiar. The familiarity does make it less painful. But it also makes the disappointment worse this time.

[snowbunnysadventures]

2019/07/06

Tình cảm đẹp nhất là khi nó chỉ đơn thuần là tình thương thôi. Thương vì chính bản thân con người nhau. Thương vì cách mình ở bên nhau. Thương những nụ cười, những nỗ lực, những cử chỉ dịu dàng, những câu đùa ngốc nghếch. Thương những nỗi lo sợ, những tổn thương, những thất bại, những góc tối. Thương từng giây từng phút được ở bên. Thương cả lúc cách xa nhưng vẫn nghĩ về nhau.

Thương là thế nhưng rồi sẽ cách xa. Cái tình thương đong đầy quá mà biết chắc sẽ phải chia xa thật xa và có khi chẳng bao giờ gặp lại này, thật làm trái tim đau thật đau, nhưng cũng hạnh phúc, rất hạnh phúc.